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Original poster

Devastating news and friends responses

260 replies

Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 18:18

I've had some very bad news.

Texting friends I've had the following replies:

Not good but could be worse
Go to Citizen's Advice. They'll help you.
That sucks. Sorry xxx

I feel utterly let down and can't help but recall when I've been interested, forthcoming, empathetic and emotionally present for these friends.

My plan is not to contact them again.

What is going on here?

OP posts:
whiteworldgettingwhiter · 15/01/2022 19:53

Oh, op, I'm so sorry to hear your news. Both those things together are very upsetting.

Do you have a treatment plan in place?

And will you get redundancy?

(Your friends' responses were shit. I'd be upset too.)

Huntswomanonthemove · 15/01/2022 19:54

People do say the wrong thing, when you're diagnosed with cancer. The very worst thing for me was for someone to tell me to stay positive. When I had just been diagnosed with cancer, having someone tell me to stay positive made me angry. How dare someone tell me how to feel?

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 19:57

@LessTime

Sorry about your news OP.

I would have texted back a longer and more sympathetic reply. If I was busy I wouldn't have called especially as you said in your text that it wasn't urgent. I'd wait until I had time for a chat.

If you have texted at a time they were busy or distracted then that might explain the clumsy replies. I wouldn't necessarily dismiss them as uncaring though. The fact that they asked questions which you said you clarified surely shows that they care??

You've blocked your sister and called them all heartless. I don't think you are doing yourself any favours acting and thinking like that. You want them to call you but you told them it wasn't urgent. It's completely understandable but I don't think wanting to cut them all out of your life is going to make you feel any better.

Wait a few days and see how you feel.

Good luck with everything.

This was a few days ago though.

So I waited to see if after 2-3 days they would ask how I was.

Other friends - D, UA and J - picked up the phone. We chatted about their lives and indeed their pasts before tackling my news.

One has messaged right now saying, about work (he is the friend who still has cancer and perhaps best understands there is nothing to say about that):

Can't stop thinking about how the treated you. Makes my blood boil the bastards xxxx

Don't worry about me blocking my sister. She won't message me again until she wants me, by which time I will have unblocked her. I just couldn't deal today with her "It happens" then her "Not great but could be worse" in the middle of which was a question about the "financial compensation from the government" I would get.

OP posts:
WendyYourExcellency · 15/01/2022 19:59

I’m sorry I haven’t read the whole thread. I just wanted to say when my dad was dying, and I was going through divorce and single parenthood I found my friends lacking. I realise it wasn’t their fault, they just lacked the skills needed to support me. I was able to keep these friends, acknowledging their shortcomings as they do with mine I’m sure, and made some new friends who were more mature and able to sense what I was going through.

I am now able to support others going through hell; cancer diagnoses, homelessness and domestic violence, I couldn’t do that before my own experience as I wasn’t emotionally mature enough, and I let down a good friend while her mother was dying. Her father recently died and I was able to make much more effort, and felt a lot better about this.

I hope you get some great advice re job, and get something new and fulfilling soon.

Closebrackets · 15/01/2022 19:59

I was going to say it can be tricky over text, but I see you have asked to talk and none can make the time, that's really shit I'm sorry Flowers. I would also be disappointed if they were close friends, and be questioning the friendship. I don't think you have much to loose by saying you're upset by it, although I agree they shouldn't have to be asked to be thoughtful, perhaps they don't realise. Are you usually the advice giver rather than support taker?

peachesarenom · 15/01/2022 20:01

I'm sorry you had such a shit response, I think some people don't digest texts very well. It only hits them when you hear someone speak. I would call them or arrange to meet to chat. I hope you get the emotional support you deserve xxx

Mich1986 · 15/01/2022 20:01

So sorry they have responded like that. If my friend told me she lost her job and cancer i would drop everything and be at her door for a hug and chat and asking what she needs x

LavenderAskew · 15/01/2022 20:01

Wow, they are cold responses.

I honestly don't know why some people respond the way they do. I don't know what the right response is. A friend of my was diagnosed with cancer and my response was to call her and pretty much say 'fuck' and 'shit' a lot in between asking what happened and how she was.

I was concerned I would be able to help before I called but then thought I can't help (as in change things) and I was incredibly awkward (as outlined above) but felt I needed her to know I thought her situation was terrible and had to make myself call her as I just didn't know what to say.

Maybe, just maybe your female friends just didn't know what to do or say and wanted to help but failed horribly by removing all emotion.

But fuck @Yummypumpkin what a hell of a lot you have on your plate. Utterly shit situation. I'm so sorry.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2022 20:01

@Rabblesthecat

To be honest stage - bladder cancer does suck.

It could be worse at stage 4

And if they’ve sacked you because of it - citizens advice is not a bad thing

If my friend told me the same news I’d probably say some sort of combo of the above and we are best mates.

I certainly wouldn’t go oh wow the world I falling down because stage 1 cancer Should be easily curable

WOW!

Glad you're not my friend.

In fact, after that response, you wouldn't be any longer.

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 15/01/2022 20:02

@WendyYourExcellency it is this sense of compassion I hope to develop and what I hoped for from the thread.

OP posts:
sanbeiji · 15/01/2022 20:02

Sorry to hear that news OP!
IMO the only response to this sort of news is to pick up the phone! That would be my first response and anybody without any sort of issue should do that. Autistic DP would just give 'not good' (but he struggles with conversation at the best of times so not a good example).
If I had to text it would be 'how are you feelig', 'do u need anything' etc etc.

Unfortunately the majority of people are like your friends I'm sorry to say. It's hard to find true friends.

Sorry to hear your new and I hpoe you have other people to talk to

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2022 20:03

@Mich1986

So sorry they have responded like that. If my friend told me she lost her job and cancer i would drop everything and be at her door for a hug and chat and asking what she needs x
^^This.

A friend phoned me once and said 'I have to talk to you'.

I knew immediately the sort of news it was. My only question was 'When and where?'

peachesarenom · 15/01/2022 20:04

Sorry OP just read your updates xxx

dafey · 15/01/2022 20:04

Good luck OP Thanks

sanbeiji · 15/01/2022 20:04

Also I agree with @WendyYourExcellency sometimes people just don't have the skills.
It's not anybody's 'fault' in particular but it IS rather unfair for those of us who are emotionally mature, to keep pouring from our cup. But not getting refilled.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2022 20:05

@Yummypumpkin

I wasn't sacked because of the diagnosis.

Work do not know.

I don't think they think I'm lying. I've always been very healthy and had a good career so it would be a sudden change in character.

Two male friends have been super.

It's my female friends who haven't.

Perhaps the poster who said I've asked for support too much in the past is right.

Thanks.

I have another friend who is going through something pretty bad (not illness)

She can have as much support as she needs from me. That's what friends do.

I'm sorry about your news. I hope the year does get better for you.

stripeyflowers · 15/01/2022 20:05

In times of trouble you find out exactly who cares about you and who doesn't. They don't sound like good friends OP Flowers

DementedPanda · 15/01/2022 20:05

I'm sorry, that's shit of them. I sent a message to friends and family detailing how I felt during lockdown 2. I got a message off one of them... don't you feel its time to go to the doctors? Ams that was it. I'm now in max dose anxiety/anti depressants. People can be shit at supporting others, especially if you are always the strong one.

You sure not being unreasonable and I wish you all the best in your treatment. Please keep reaching out to close family and surround yourself by those who care xxx

LessTime · 15/01/2022 20:06

OP, do you have a partner and close family (other than your sister) who your friends might think are supporting you?

Do you genuinely think you friend don’t care about you? Have they showed they care about you before? If not then why are you suprised that they don’t care or appear to care now? If they have shown they care about you before then why are you assuming they have stopped?

I know my friends care about me so if they sent a text that could be seen as unsympathetic it wouldn’t cross my mind that it was anything other that a thoughtless moment.

TonkinLenkicks · 15/01/2022 20:06

Some people don’t know how to deal with news like that. Take my FIL. He’s a problem solver, his response would be similar, he thinks of practical solutions to problems and just can’t deal with things that are out of his control and emotional support is out of the question. Some people just struggle with it although you’re reasonable to feel upset by it.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2022 20:07

@Toanewstart22

You were sacked?

Why?

Read the OP's posts
SnipSnipMrBurgess · 15/01/2022 20:10

@Rabblesthecat

To be honest stage - bladder cancer does suck.

It could be worse at stage 4

And if they’ve sacked you because of it - citizens advice is not a bad thing

If my friend told me the same news I’d probably say some sort of combo of the above and we are best mates.

I certainly wouldn’t go oh wow the world I falling down because stage 1 cancer Should be easily curable

What a horrible person you are.
Plumnora · 15/01/2022 20:11

Oh lovely I’m so sorry for the diagnosis and about being made redundant. I don’t think the time of year helps anything either - grey, cold and bleak outside and no one has any money. I think your friends’ responses suck, personally and, as I always say to DD, if they don’t make you feel good, then they are t friends. Friends support; they feel like home. These are not friends. Can you access support groups via the hospital? Do you have nicer friends who can just give you the hug you need without trying to offer advice? I guess when you hit the floor the only way is up and once you’ve had your treatment you can can focus on finding a new job. X

liliainterfrutices · 15/01/2022 20:13

@Yummypumpkin

I'm glad it has amused you DarlingDarwin.

I have stage 1 bladder cancer and have lost my job.

YANBU. I am so, so sorry. And I’d be really hurt by those responses Flowers I think it’s possible the first one was trying to be positive, but it would have been nice to follow it up with even a virtual hug.
NotQuiteHere · 15/01/2022 20:18

Texts are not appropriate here. They should have called you.