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Original poster

Dealt with a guy serving me in a shop who made me feel like shit, and later realised he was a wannabe PUA

179 replies

parchedjanuary · 05/01/2022 01:49

I'm actually so angry about what happened in the shop that I currently am incapable of explaining it here!!!

Arghhhh!!!

I will try and write a more coherent post tomorrow.

Basically, a local shop that sells very specific items. I went in last week. The guy that owns the shop served me. He was very helpful.

I went in again a few days ago. A new employee was working and the owner wasn't there. The new guy was incredibly rude, didn't help me at all, but equally told me how pretty he thought I was, asked me way to many personal questions, which I was so shocked about I stupidly answered. Did constant negging followed by weirdo complements. Then being really nice and friendly. But equally unhelpful. I felt terrible, couldn't wait to get out, kept thinking wtf???

I got home and remembered the thread on MN about women being approached by men/boys practicing their PUA (pick up artist) game.... and looking into it a bit more, I think this might have been what he was practicing.

I'm still so angry I can't even express what happened!!!

I do intend to go back in to the shop and hopefully see the owner and tell him what his employee is up to when left alone.

Sorry this post makes no sense at all. I'm just so sad and angry about it!!!

I will attempt another post with a better explanation when I'm a bit more calm Confused

OP posts:
Marmelace · 05/01/2022 09:34

@patkinney

Can I just say something on this, as a man..... what the heck is the world coming to?

I live in fear these days of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, looking at a women slightly the wrong way and this thread really resonated with me, as to why.

So a guy in a shop complemented you on your attractiveness, be flattered. If offended - say you are attached or married, or tell him to f-off. But there is really no need to come on here and moan about being 'angry', nor should you try to get the guy sacked for being a bit forward. At the very least have a quiet word with his boss about how he deals with customers, but don't get him sacked - he might really need the job, he might even have SEN things going on to do with knowing where boundaries are or maturity issues, that you were unaware of.

I'm sorry but I class this as wokeness and really it is getting a bit crazy. Soon the only way people are going to get together are via arranged marriages and internet dating, is that really the way to go?

You only have to look at the recent James Bond films to see I'm onto something here (sorry I know this has been discussed elsewhere on mn). In Skyfall (2012) Bond sneaks into a woman's shower and well, she seems quite happy about it. But in the recent one just a decade later (I saw it at the weekend) he is practically sexless - he dare not even try to flirt with the Bond women, for fear of causing offence or being politically incorrect. Now I'm not saying we should go back to the 1960s/1970s; Benny Hill and all of that, but there has to be some middle ground and I fear we have gone too far the other way..... or am I just out of touch because I'm middle-aged?

Get back in your cave ffs
Seeline · 05/01/2022 09:34

@patkinney

I wouldn't go round basing your approach to life on what you see in Bond movies! They have been out of touch for decades with regards to how women are treated.

And no, most women do not go to the shops to find a meaningful relationship. If they are looking for that, they will go to a bar or club. Women do not want to be chatted up everywhere they go. Particularly in the manner described by the OP, which you obviously haven't bothered to read.

Basically women want to be able to get on with their lives without being harassed. I am also middle aged, and it has always been this way, and if anything is getting worse.

Original poster
parchedjanuary · 05/01/2022 09:36

@JinglingHellsBells don't want to give myself away. It's very similar to Brighton. Not Brighton, but very like Brighton.

It's a good area, but very strangely we don't have a shop here. It's really strange we don't have a shop!! Very densely occupied with mostly new build apartments. Sainsburys are opening a shop for us this year...everyone is so very excited! It's an area that has undergone massive regeneration and due to its transport links it's expensive to live here. The immediate area is safe, but you can't go to the main road after dark. I use deliveroo etc, everyone here does.

It is an affluent city. But extremely divided in terms of wealth and poverty. I guess like some parts of London in that way....you can find very wealthy areas next to very very deprived areas. I would say most people don't walk around after dark if they can help it.

I have ordered what I needed online but it hasn't arrived. It's apparently been sent first class but I haven't seen a postman for weeks....covid I guess?

OP posts:
OldWivesTale · 05/01/2022 09:37

@patkinney

Can I just say something on this, as a man..... what the heck is the world coming to?

I live in fear these days of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, looking at a women slightly the wrong way and this thread really resonated with me, as to why.

So a guy in a shop complemented you on your attractiveness, be flattered. If offended - say you are attached or married, or tell him to f-off. But there is really no need to come on here and moan about being 'angry', nor should you try to get the guy sacked for being a bit forward. At the very least have a quiet word with his boss about how he deals with customers, but don't get him sacked - he might really need the job, he might even have SEN things going on to do with knowing where boundaries are or maturity issues, that you were unaware of.

I'm sorry but I class this as wokeness and really it is getting a bit crazy. Soon the only way people are going to get together are via arranged marriages and internet dating, is that really the way to go?

You only have to look at the recent James Bond films to see I'm onto something here (sorry I know this has been discussed elsewhere on mn). In Skyfall (2012) Bond sneaks into a woman's shower and well, she seems quite happy about it. But in the recent one just a decade later (I saw it at the weekend) he is practically sexless - he dare not even try to flirt with the Bond women, for fear of causing offence or being politically incorrect. Now I'm not saying we should go back to the 1960s/1970s; Benny Hill and all of that, but there has to be some middle ground and I fear we have gone too far the other way..... or am I just out of touch because I'm middle-aged?

Oh thank you so much for explaining to us all how we should feel about this and where we're going wrong. Where would we be without men like you to help us out?
AngelinaFibres · 05/01/2022 09:40

It's the whole 'treat em mean keep em keen' of our youth but with a new , horrible twist. The original way only worked if you were confident and good looking. You could only do it if the person actually fancied you in the first place. Throw some crumbs, reel them in, then push them away. Repeat, repeat. This PUA stuff presumably allows entry to the keep em keen club for the previously excluded , awkward, not so good looking young men. Here is a script, here are your fellow inadequates, we will bond over this. They can find their tribe.

sheroku · 05/01/2022 09:40

Oh yawn a man is here to tell us we're all being hysterical. I've dated guys I've met on the tube, on the street, in bars. I'm no wallflower and I've no problem with mutually flirty conversation. What we're talking about are the sexist pricks who study techniques for making women feel insecure and vulnerable in order to get in their knickers. If you've no idea what we're talking about then maybe that's because you're lucky enough to be of the sex who isn't constantly harassed and pestered by the other one.

StarCat2020 · 05/01/2022 09:40

yes I live in an affluent city in the south of the uk
In Hampshire?

AlbertBridge · 05/01/2022 09:42

OP, what did he actually say? Can you give examples?

patkinney · 05/01/2022 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MsJaneAusten · 05/01/2022 09:44

In Skyfall (2012) Bond sneaks into a woman's shower and well, she seems quite happy about it. But in the recent one just a decade later (I saw it at the weekend) he is practically sexless - he dare not even try to flirt with the Bond women, for fear of causing offence or being politically incorrect. Now I'm not saying we should go back to the 1960s/1970s; Benny Hill and all of that, but there has to be some middle ground and I fear we have gone too far the other way..... or am I just out of touch because I'm middle-aged?

Fucking hell. You think the problem is that we’re all woke, and that it would be better if men were allowed to sneak into a women’s showers?

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 05/01/2022 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

Thelnebriati · 05/01/2022 09:45

parchedjanuary Can you leave a factual review online? ''the owner is great and very helpful, but the new assistant uses PUA techniques and negging on female customers.''

HyggeTygge · 05/01/2022 09:46

Oh, he's here to goad.
Carry on women, just step over the dirty puddle and don't get derailed as I very much did Grin

Original poster
parchedjanuary · 05/01/2022 09:47

Oh my god!! The postman has just arrived!!! My package has arrived! I don't need to go to the shop up the road anymore!! (I will go to make my complaint! But never been so happy to see the postman before 😂)

OP posts:
Tillsforthrills · 05/01/2022 09:49

@whitewashing

She has reflected that she shouldn’t have. She’s researched what happened as she knows it was wrong of him to ask in the first place. So why are you focusing specifically only on that point? What can she do about it now? She has admitted she feels stupid over it. So yes, that comes across as victim blaming hence why you’ve called yourself out already.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/01/2022 09:49

I'm trying to understand how he actually got into a conversation with you.

In most shops, unless you are asking for shoes to be brought out, or wanting to try on clothing, why is there any need for chat?

If it's just food, you just fill your basket and take it to the till.

If he was trying to talk to you and it felt inappropriate, couldn't you just say 'I want to pay for my shopping, now please. Will you sort the payment, thanks.'

And then just not talk back if he tries to talk to you?

What exactly were you shopping for that needed him to chat to you? Maybe ciggies or booze and stuff that's behind a counter?

I genuinely don't understand as I've not been in any shop for years where anyone talks to me! (Unless it's make up counters and I'm asking for help.)

JinglingHellsBells · 05/01/2022 09:49

@parchedjanuary

Oh my god!! The postman has just arrived!!! My package has arrived! I don't need to go to the shop up the road anymore!! (I will go to make my complaint! But never been so happy to see the postman before 😂)
What did you need to buy at the shop?
Sonex · 05/01/2022 09:50

I experienced this many years ago and it really stuck with me. In hindsight it would have been literally after that horrible book came out. A guy on a course I was doing used to say things to me like "you'd be the best looking girl on this course if you were taller" or "you're up there on the top 3 or maybe 5 girls that everyone likes on this course, if you were a bit taller you'd have the best body" etc etc. I always thought it was weird and just went right, ok, mainly because he was short, fat and unattractive but I now see it for what it was. I remember being puzzled and almost impressed at someone who was clearly unattractive spent so much time rating young women on his course.

Tillsforthrills · 05/01/2022 09:52

@JinglingHellsBells

Another post querying the OP on her specific shopping/ why she spoke to someone. Wtf.

At our smaller local shops and delicatessens etc, there’s lots of young women/men that chat to you, help you.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/01/2022 09:52

Maybe it was stationery? Paper for a pc or ink?

Honestly, OP, if odd guys start talking to you in a shop, it's best to just not reply. A glassy stare over your mask is all you need to do!

JinglingHellsBells · 05/01/2022 09:53

@Tillsforthrills Sorry but context is everything.

I don't agree with you but I'm not going to prolong an argument.

Tillsforthrills · 05/01/2022 09:54

@sonex

Sad that men resort to those kinds of programmes designed to confuse/interest/intrigue/take women off a pedestal kind of BS.

Tillsforthrills · 05/01/2022 09:56

@JinglingHellsBells

Yes, the idea that she has to specify her shopping items to you so that you can subtly decide whether she is to blame or he is is ridiculous.

Here’s the context: male worker is inappropriate with a female shopper.

Tillsforthrills · 05/01/2022 09:57

Or specify what she was shopping for so that you can decide whether shes lying or not or can be caught out.

You could have just given your advice about the steely stare and left it at that.

AdamRyan · 05/01/2022 09:58

stranger in a shop can’t surely think they’ll get a woman into bed, a total stranger, by this kind of thing?
I don't think they so it for that, it's practicing their skills so it comes naturally when they do find a woman they want sex with.
The whole situation is so fucked up, I also feel sorry for young men whove been brain washed into thinking this is how to find a relationship. It's like a cult.
The book "men who hate women" is very interesting about how the "manosphere" and movements like men's rights activists, pick up artists, incels and mem going their own way work (and what they think of each other. There is lots of in fighting).