I was raped by my boss, no idea what to do

[ily0x]

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to post this,

A month ago I was attacked by my boss. I was working late, I work in a small office and it was only the two of us in the building. As I was leaving he approached me at the door and said he wanted to speak to me about something, he pulled me away from the door and forcibly kissed me. I was in shock and just froze, I didn’t push him off as I was intimidated by him and the whole situation. He then did the same thing again and this time I did try and push him off. After that he grabbed me by the throat, pushed me to the floor, ripped off my clothes and raped me on the floor.

It was the worst experience of my life and I’m still in shock and traumatised by it. I didn’t go into work next day (I didn’t have speak to him luckily) I pretended to have been exposed to someone with covid. I was off for ten days and naively thought if I furiously looked for a job in that time I’d be able to find one and leave. It didn’t happen and I’ve had to go back to work.

Every day is hell. He doesn’t share an office room with us but I still see him every day. He either ignores me or tries to act all friendly with me and I have to be nice to this man who has ruined my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. The only person I’ve told is my boyfriend but even with him I’ve not told him the full truth, I told him it was a client and not someone in my office.

I’m not in a position where I can’t quit my job. My boyfriend lost his in covid and mine is the only income. I just need to vent as I’m in hell right now and I’m not hopeful about finding another job, with Covid and the job market being terrible. I don’t want to go to the police as I have zero physical evidence and the conviction rate is absolutely abysmal so I’m not going to put myself through that when I know he’d never get charged. I also need to keep my job.

The man is the owner of the businesses son so there’s no one higher up I can go to about this. I just cannot believe someone who I liked and thought was a reasonably nice person could do this to me. For what??! This man is married with kids, has a tonne of money thanks to his Dad, he has everything. Every time I see him I get this tightness in my chest and I feel so fearful and disgusted. And add to that I have to act like nothing is wrong. I hate it. I’m so miserable. I used to enjoy my job and now I’m so irritable and depressed all the time, I try to hide it but people at work have noticed, one of them even complained about something I’d done wrong at work to HIM.

I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend.

something2say

^If professionals encourage survivors to report, what actually happens is they get hauled over the coals more than the accused does.

Why is this, when she did nothing? Is this the best we can offer traumatized survivors?^

I think they both get 'hauled over the coals' during the investigation & court process. But the law at present is - innocent until proven guilty, so they will always be a need to 'cross examine' the evidence put before them.

If you can think of a better way to establish an outcome - we're all ears.

@Felix125

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse

Files to CPS don't just 'sit on the shelf' for months at a time. They have a 28 day turn around to either have a charging decision or send it back to the investigation team for 're-work' or further evidence. That then has a return date.

Victim's phones are not routinely seized - besides, victims can forward relevant text messages or the police can down load the phone there and then if needed. Suspect's phones can be seized and often are. There has to be a specific reason to seize the victim's phone.

Suspects are sent to court the next day if they are remanded - if both parties are known to each other, then there will be a greater chance of a remand to protect the victim. The file which will submitted to CPS will be a pre-charge file. If its a remand case, it will get instant charging decision.

Victim's can talk to their 'councilor' or support services about the incident - its a confidential support service. The ones that specifically talk them through the judicial process is the witness liaison team.

I don’t know what area of the country you work in. In my 30 years as a Police officer, 15 of those as a detective specialising in rape, child abuse and public protection. I was a first responses and abe officer. I regularly dealt with rape cases and child sex cases.

Nine times out of ten the evidence was submitted on an advice file. This is generally because most of the enquiries will be done prior to the file being submitted to the CPS, such as the victim being video interviewed, any witnesses or first account witnesses will be statemented. The offender will be generally not be arrested as the necessity criteria has to be met, but he will be asked to come in for an interview. Certainly in a historical rape this would be the case. If there has been contact between the two parties on a phone then it would be seized. It wouldn’t be sufficient to just say ‘forward me the messages’. Some forces are better than others technology wise in terms of downloading phones immediately.

Suspects are rarely remanded on a historical job. You wouldn’t remand someone on a pre charge file. It’s impossible. You have to have been charged to be remanded. This is not something that varies from area to area.

Files absolutely sit on a CPS shelf for months waiting to be allocated. I’ve experienced it many times with jobs of mine.

We clearly don’t work in the same county. Our experiences seem quite different. I prefer your experience where things seem to be done quicker. Sadly this isn’t the case everywhere.

The police needs sorting out.

Two officers arguing the toss over what happens to women who are victims.

Hardly helping the poor OP who won't know who to believe.

I don't , and my mind is not muddled with the trauma.

@JinglingHellsBells

The police needs sorting out.

Two officers arguing the toss over what happens to women who are victims.

Hardly helping the poor OP who won't know who to believe.

I don't , and my mind is not muddled with the trauma.

I think what it proves is that the service that victims receive differs over the country. Yet another reason why I wouldn’t blame anyone for not reporting.

I couldn’t give a monkeys whether you believe me or anyone else. I care that the system is totally broken and victims are being let down left right and centre. It needs reviewing urgently.

I said nothing about not believing you @EmmaWoodhousestreehouse

Sorry if anything I wrote suggested that but I didn't say it.

My comment was that it makes it very hard for any victim to know what the best way forward is for them when there are clearly very different ways of dealing with rape.

@JinglingHellsBells

I said nothing about not believing you *@EmmaWoodhousestreehouse*

Sorry if anything I wrote suggested that but I didn't say it.

My comment was that it makes it very hard for any victim to know what the best way forward is for them when there are clearly very different ways of dealing with rape.

No worries. I agree it’s confusing 💐

I practise in this area in court if there is any information I can usefully share with you just ask.

However I am concerned that we have a lady here who doesn't need to hear this, she needs strong women around her to listen to where her head is. Only by listening will any movement thro the trauma happen. She has the right to that process.

THIS ^

And regardless of whether she reports to police, she will still need to find support and to go through the healing process.

Even with a conviction, victims of rape still have to process what was done to them. A conviction is nice, but it doesn't erase what happened.

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse

I'm in the north - might be different up here so to speak, but CPS have a 28 day turn around on all cases now - they either return it with an action plan or a charge/NFA. Serious cases, such as rapes, tend to fast tracked too.

We don't tend to use advice files, as all the evidence can be gathered for a charging decision rather than just advice - again, might be an area thing.

Historic cases etc, may be done by a voluntary interview - in which case you can't obviously go for a remand. But custody cases, such as DV cases usually look to remand to protect the victim, most custody sergeants are supportive of this and it depends on how good you word the remand application of course. In this case, CPS will do charging advice as the normal CPS direct process (over the phone). If they come back with a charge, then you can look at remanding. If you're not looking to remand then obviously the suspect will be bailed with conditions awaiting CPS decision within the 28 day period.

We still can't seize the victim's phone without their consent or a court order. I'm not sure what power you could use. S19 PACE can be considered, but you would need to be lawfully on the premises in the first place - such as a S18 search. Besides which we normally use CycComms applications with a quick turn around or local application to just download their phone at the station - but we still need the victim's consent. We use a link system now where phone data, text messages, CCTV can be sent to us via an app and it drops straight into the case file as a playable/viewable format. (handy for shopliftings etc)

like I say - may be a regional thing. Where about are you based?

JinglingHellsBells

I think you will find that we agree on a lot more than we differ to be honest. The whole process is a complicated and convoluted one - and as I said before if you can think of a way to improve things, I'm all ears.

Hi everyone, thank for your your suggestions I haven’t gotten around to reading all the comments but I will.

She's not choosing to stay in her job as such though - she is trying to find a new job and struggling. She's only staying because she cannot live with no income.

Yes exactly I have bills to pay like most people I don’t have the luxury of no income. I don’t want to get into debt on top of everything else, trust me if it was an option I’d quit straight away.

I had to deal with him again today asking me in front of everyone what I’m doing for New Years Eve. Whenever he tries to talk to me if I’m alone e.g when I’m coming into the building, I completely blank him, so he knows to talk to me in front of people deliberately so I have to respond. He kept asking me what I’m doing for New Years Eve and I had to act normal. I can’t even explain what hell this is, as soon as he left I couldn’t stop crying, it’s like he’s doing it deliberately to get a reaction out of me and upset me and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of getting upset in front of him. I honestly just feel numb and dead inside, I have NO idea what I’ve done to this man to make him hate me so much. Like he can’t just leave me alone he has to make things even worse for me.

@ily0x

Hi everyone, thank for your your suggestions I haven’t gotten around to reading all the comments but I will.

She's not choosing to stay in her job as such though - she is trying to find a new job and struggling. She's only staying because she cannot live with no income.

Yes exactly I have bills to pay like most people I don’t have the luxury of no income. I don’t want to get into debt on top of everything else, trust me if it was an option I’d quit straight away.

I had to deal with him again today asking me in front of everyone what I’m doing for New Years Eve. Whenever he tries to talk to me if I’m alone e.g when I’m coming into the building, I completely blank him, so he knows to talk to me in front of people deliberately so I have to respond. He kept asking me what I’m doing for New Years Eve and I had to act normal. I can’t even explain what hell this is, as soon as he left I couldn’t stop crying, it’s like he’s doing it deliberately to get a reaction out of me and upset me and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of getting upset in front of him. I honestly just feel numb and dead inside, I have NO idea what I’ve done to this man to make him hate me so much. Like he can’t just leave me alone he has to make things even worse for me.

His actions are two folded. 1.he has "witnesses" that he's behaving normally and friendly and all nice and you're interacting with him.

1. He gets off on it. The power he has and the position he's putting you in. The fact that you're stuck.

I mentioned it before. I don't know if you're comfortable doing this and whether it would be safe, but I'd tell him(face to face,by phone,message,email whatever) "Don't talk to me, don't look at me , as far as you're concerned I don't exist and I won't say anything."

That's what I did but I had the "advantage " that the people involved were actually worried I'd talk and they'd get in trouble. It worked for nearly the whole period I had to interact with them. They did get cocky and started again near the end , but just a couple of months and then I was free.

@BigGreen

Jesus Christ this is horrifying, what a monster.

I hope you are able to find some support. Could you talk to your GP? thanks

I haven’t but I will after New Year’s Day 😬

I think it needs to be said to you, dear op, that he can go fuck himself right now.

You have the power to change his life as he has changed yours.

I am enormously concerned that you are having to deal with him. Fuck him.

What do you think of the idea of phoning a DV advisor and getting them to help you get signed off for three months? Never ever have to see him again? I realise it's a shock and why should you, but I would be very concerned about you having to go in day after day. You could for example never go back ever again and that's ok, and more - its appropriate.

I mentioned it before. I don't know if you're comfortable doing this and whether it would be safe, but I'd tell him(face to face,by phone,message,email whatever) "Don't talk to me, don't look at me , as far as you're concerned I don't exist and I won't say anything."

I couldn’t face having a conversation with him, I’ve never acknowledged it to him since I got back, a week ago I had to have a meeting with him and another manager (about something else work related) and even just being sat in front of him I couldn’t talk and was completely frozen and was just trying not to cry. I wish I could just confront him but I can’t even imagine doing that. The most confrontational I’m being is deliberately ignoring him when no one else is around when he tries to talk to me.

You don't have to go back. Xx really xx

@something2say

What do you think of the idea of phoning a DV advisor and getting them to help you get signed off for three months? Never ever have to see him again? I realise it's a shock and why should you, but I would be very concerned about you having to go in day after day. You could for example never go back ever again and that's ok, and more - its appropriate.

The only thing stopping me from doing this is when I go to apply for a new job and I’ve had a lot of time it could effect my chances of getting a new job. I know for the company I work for now and it’s a instant no when an interviewee has had a lot of time off.

@SirVixofVixHall

OP I know you feel that everyone likes him, but my strong suspicion is that he is a repeat offender, I don’t think it is likely that a man leaps suddenly from well behaved family man to violent rapist, and there may well have been other women who left suddenly
You can’t keep on working there, you really can’t. Do you have parents who might help you out financially for a while ?

No my siblings and I aren’t really close with our parents they aren’t the kind of people you can go to crisis, they’re pretty dysfunctional. I don’t know if he’s done this before. I obviously hope not but he probably has.

Oh I just wanted to let you know, if you get signed off sick from office, there are live in care jobs, you can be 1 week on, 1 week off, no experience required as they do the training, which is usually a couple of days. Then you can look for whatever job you want, in your weeks off. Also with live in care, there’s usually a lot of downtime in the day so you can continue applying for other jobs.

OP, your mental health cannot take the continuous trauma of being around him, you will have terrible cPTSD. Would you consider care work, temporarily?

@FlowerFlour

Many of the people commenting here saying "Report him to the police immediately!" are clearly speaking from an idealistic position of ignorance; lucky you. I have been raped, have reported to the police, and would never try to guilt a woman into reporting. Reporting is horribly traumatic. If conviction rates were better, and you knew that the man would definitely go to jail then yes, great, everyone should report. But that is not reality and no woman should feel forced to go through all that additional unnecessary trauma for the 1% chance that a man will be punished.

Yes and the 1% rate includes women who have evidence, I have zero evidence so my odds are closer to 0.001%

OP You can't continue to work there, it will destroy your mental health. Please go on the sick and speak to a rape counsellor. Your boyfriend needs to find a job, any job. He can't expect you to go into work every day to support him when he knows (roughly) what happened to you there. I'm actually a bit horrified that he's ok with that. You are only responsible for yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get back on your feet. Your boyfriend can shape up or ship out quite frankly.

He is trying to find a job and he has supported me financially before so I don’t have any hard feelings towards him, he is looking for a job and I’ve been applying for jobs for him, it’s just market is crap right now. If I tell him the truth he’ll freak out and on top of my own feelings and stress I’ll have to deal with him aswell, I will tell him when I leave.

@JinglingHellsBells

I know you don't want to go to the police and the conviction rates are low, but even putting your boss in the spotlight and knowing he's been reported is surely the right step?

It's probably too late now, but did you keep any underwear (unwashed) or anything to show you have been raped- torn clothing etc that would have his DNA on it?

No I didn’t, I threw everything out

I'd tell him(face to face,by phone,message,email whatever) "Don't talk to me, don't look at me , as far as you're concerned I don't exist and I won't say anything."

A hard NO NO NO NO to this.

On no account should you do this or anything like this.

This is terrible advice.

Do not threaten him or try to get anything from him or his father. They will go nuclear.

After you've spoken to [[https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/ rape crisis]] and your GP I would tell your boyfriend the truth. At the moment it seems to me you are carrying a very heavy burden alone.

@ily0x

Can you sit your DP down and tell him you need him
1 - to listen closely and carefully to you,
2 - not go go ballistic,
3 - to simply support you in every way you ask,
4 - that it is really important for you now to feel in control of the situation (and that this is the reason you have not told him what really happened until now)
5 - and tell him what actually happened.

It is very, very hard to let this information go out into the world where you have no control over other people's responses, but I think you need to:
1 - spell out exactly what you want from your DP
2 - ask him to find a job, any job, two jobs, three jobs - supermarket, deliveries, anything, cleaning public lavatories - because going to work every day and sitting face to face with your rapist is going to kill you.

Tell him you expect him to support you in this way, that this is what you need from him right now, and if it's proving hard to find a job he needs to widen his search area so that you don't have to return to the scene of this horrible crime against you ever again.

Even if what you told him were the truth and it was a client who had raped you, there is no way he should be comfortable with you getting up every morning and returning to the place where you were raped.

Sorry, link fail.

rape crisis