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Original poster

I was raped by my boss, no idea what to do

285 replies

ily0x · 30/12/2021 21:55

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to post this,

A month ago I was attacked by my boss. I was working late, I work in a small office and it was only the two of us in the building. As I was leaving he approached me at the door and said he wanted to speak to me about something, he pulled me away from the door and forcibly kissed me. I was in shock and just froze, I didn’t push him off as I was intimidated by him and the whole situation. He then did the same thing again and this time I did try and push him off. After that he grabbed me by the throat, pushed me to the floor, ripped off my clothes and raped me on the floor.

It was the worst experience of my life and I’m still in shock and traumatised by it. I didn’t go into work next day (I didn’t have speak to him luckily) I pretended to have been exposed to someone with covid. I was off for ten days and naively thought if I furiously looked for a job in that time I’d be able to find one and leave. It didn’t happen and I’ve had to go back to work.

Every day is hell. He doesn’t share an office room with us but I still see him every day. He either ignores me or tries to act all friendly with me and I have to be nice to this man who has ruined my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. The only person I’ve told is my boyfriend but even with him I’ve not told him the full truth, I told him it was a client and not someone in my office.

I’m not in a position where I can’t quit my job. My boyfriend lost his in covid and mine is the only income. I just need to vent as I’m in hell right now and I’m not hopeful about finding another job, with Covid and the job market being terrible. I don’t want to go to the police as I have zero physical evidence and the conviction rate is absolutely abysmal so I’m not going to put myself through that when I know he’d never get charged. I also need to keep my job.

The man is the owner of the businesses son so there’s no one higher up I can go to about this. I just cannot believe someone who I liked and thought was a reasonably nice person could do this to me. For what??! This man is married with kids, has a tonne of money thanks to his Dad, he has everything. Every time I see him I get this tightness in my chest and I feel so fearful and disgusted. And add to that I have to act like nothing is wrong. I hate it. I’m so miserable. I used to enjoy my job and now I’m so irritable and depressed all the time, I try to hide it but people at work have noticed, one of them even complained about something I’d done wrong at work to HIM.

I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend.

OP posts:
DeckardK · 31/12/2021 10:36

OP I'm sorry about some of the PP, I think some people believe life is like a film with their blackmail plots and tape recording fantasies. These people must not have been through anything like what you are going through, I'm so very sorry this has happened to you.

I believe you and you do not have to go the the police if it isn't right for you, at this point or any.
If you can cope financially with SSP then this seems the best way forward for you, until you can find another job. If you can't, can your partner walk you to/from work and meet you for lunch if he isn't working? This might make you feel protected.

I'll be thinking of you OP and sending you the strength you need to get through this, I hope you can leave there asap.

SazCat · 31/12/2021 10:38

@Felix125

LumosSolem

Do you have any idea what goes on when a rape is recorded?
Do you know that your phone/laptop/tablet is taken for forensic examination? Any clue when you get them back.
Do you realise pre covid it took about two years to get to court if it even gets to court?
Do you know in that time you are not allowed counselling for the rape?
Serious uninformed advice from you. Suggest you look into the stats and find very few rapes are even reported, taken to court, get a conviction

These are not true

Your phone, laptop etc are not routinely taken - only if there is a specific reason to do so

2 years to get to court is not the norm and depends on the length of the enquiry. First court appearance can the next day after charge.

You are always allowed counselling and support for rape, right the way through out, from the point of reporting.

I agree, this certainly wasn't my experience. Mine happened in the March and got to Crown Court in the October (although the case was thrown out the first morning due to lack of evidence of course...) Neither my laptop nor phone was taken. I was also encouraged to get counselling straight away, I didn't have to wait.

But regardless, the OP has no 'responsibility' to report, she should do what is best for her.

So sorry this happened to you OP xxx

VenusClapTrap · 31/12/2021 10:40

Op I have no advice to add, just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and I hope you can find a way to leave this workplace very soon.

It makes me so sick and angry that men are able to get away with this because the justice system is so awful nobody feels able to report sexual assault.

NaughtyNata · 31/12/2021 10:41

Rape victims still face police phone trawl, says commissioner www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-57738550

That's only from earlier this year.

And a PP posted heartbreaking details of experiences with her 13 yr old DD.

It's well known how awful the process can be for victims which is one of the many reasons why nobody should be telling someone to report if they don't want to. And OP outlined quite clearly the reasons why she doesn't want to.

UniversalAunt · 31/12/2021 10:46

@ily0x, to update a comment I made in the earlier hours to be

‘ Support & counselling with a trained professional will help you release & process those difficult feelings in a safe environment

In the instance of rape & sexual assault, a fully accredited counsellor specialising in this field is an absolute. The Rape crisis centre would help you with a referral to someone like this. They may also have useful advice about how to lodge sickness absence following rape or sexual assault in the workplace & may advise/signpost your GP to relevant DWP guidance, so that you are covered for sick pay & employment rights purposes.

It is important to take the time you need to process all of what has happened to you, & have a bedrock of support to see you through.

Without doubt, you cannot be in that workplace & you will get another job, but you may need some time to resolve what has happened, otherwise you may find your new workplace not so easy to settle in.

Whilst the UK workforce rebuilds after Covid, you may find a period of time away from the workplace is very much to your advantage & you can get back into paid work once you are on an even keel. There are no absolutes about this, just bear it in mind.

Had you been in a terrible car crash & traumatised, would you not take time out to get better? Please don’t let the nature of the crime against you & attitude of your attacker towards you distort what is best for you to survive this.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2021 10:49

This man can still pay the price if his wife and colleagues know. Conviction is not the only worst outcome for him or the best for the OP.

@ily0x How did your boyfriend react? Many men would be furious and go and confront your boss.

Did you tell your boyfriend as soon as you arrived home? You must have been in such shock, you poor thing, as well as bruised and your clothes all messed up.

Did your boyfriend offer any advice and is he supporting you in all of this?

Terfydactyl · 31/12/2021 10:54

@Felix125

LumosSolem

Do you have any idea what goes on when a rape is recorded?
Do you know that your phone/laptop/tablet is taken for forensic examination? Any clue when you get them back.
Do you realise pre covid it took about two years to get to court if it even gets to court?
Do you know in that time you are not allowed counselling for the rape?
Serious uninformed advice from you. Suggest you look into the stats and find very few rapes are even reported, taken to court, get a conviction

These are not true

Your phone, laptop etc are not routinely taken - only if there is a specific reason to do so

2 years to get to court is not the norm and depends on the length of the enquiry. First court appearance can the next day after charge.

You are always allowed counselling and support for rape, right the way through out, from the point of reporting.

This probably depends which force you report to but I can assure you what I posted is correct in at least one area of the UK. It took 18 months to retrieve electricals and after all that there was no court case. Of course well before 18 months was up a new phone and stuff was sourced, but that requires money. If you have fuck all money what can you do? It's not like you dont need a phone these days.
Terfydactyl · 31/12/2021 10:56

@JinglingHellsBells

This man can still pay the price if his wife and colleagues know. Conviction is not the only worst outcome for him or the best for the OP.

@ily0x How did your boyfriend react? Many men would be furious and go and confront your boss.

Did you tell your boyfriend as soon as you arrived home? You must have been in such shock, you poor thing, as well as bruised and your clothes all messed up.

Did your boyfriend offer any advice and is he supporting you in all of this?

You should read OP properly, she said she told her boyfriend it was someone else, a client not her boss.
DeckardK · 31/12/2021 10:58

@JinglingHellsBells

This man can still pay the price if his wife and colleagues know. Conviction is not the only worst outcome for him or the best for the OP.

@ily0x How did your boyfriend react? Many men would be furious and go and confront your boss.

Did you tell your boyfriend as soon as you arrived home? You must have been in such shock, you poor thing, as well as bruised and your clothes all messed up.

Did your boyfriend offer any advice and is he supporting you in all of this?

A lot of people don't want or need their rapist to suffer or pay for what they have done - though this may come later. They just want to be able to rebuild their own lives. And many men would focus on their partner's needs and not think about 'confronting' a rapist.

The OP has been clear with her reasons and it must be hard for her to read these posts which basically question her reaction.

ldontWanna · 31/12/2021 11:02

@Felix125

LumosSolem

Do you have any idea what goes on when a rape is recorded?
Do you know that your phone/laptop/tablet is taken for forensic examination? Any clue when you get them back.
Do you realise pre covid it took about two years to get to court if it even gets to court?
Do you know in that time you are not allowed counselling for the rape?
Serious uninformed advice from you. Suggest you look into the stats and find very few rapes are even reported, taken to court, get a conviction

These are not true

Your phone, laptop etc are not routinely taken - only if there is a specific reason to do so

2 years to get to court is not the norm and depends on the length of the enquiry. First court appearance can the next day after charge.

You are always allowed counselling and support for rape, right the way through out, from the point of reporting.

Advising against counselling was a thing, that only recently got changed. I knew this to be true as my friend went through it but here is a link anyways.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/rape-victim-therapy-ban-court-trials-a9644676.html?amp

FlowerFlour · 31/12/2021 11:03

Many of the people commenting here saying "Report him to the police immediately!" are clearly speaking from an idealistic position of ignorance; lucky you. I have been raped, have reported to the police, and would never try to guilt a woman into reporting. Reporting is horribly traumatic. If conviction rates were better, and you knew that the man would definitely go to jail then yes, great, everyone should report. But that is not reality and no woman should feel forced to go through all that additional unnecessary trauma for the 1% chance that a man will be punished.

OP You can't continue to work there, it will destroy your mental health. Please go on the sick and speak to a rape counsellor. Your boyfriend needs to find a job, any job. He can't expect you to go into work every day to support him when he knows (roughly) what happened to you there. I'm actually a bit horrified that he's ok with that. You are only responsible for yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get back on your feet. Your boyfriend can shape up or ship out quite frankly.

I would report to the police, just to have it all on record while it's fresh in your mind. You don't have to press ahead with the charges, but at least your statement will be there on file in case you want to come back to it in future, or can be used by the police to build a bigger picture in case another woman comes forward.

Please take care of yourself. Flowers

JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2021 11:05

@DeckardK But everyone has suggested she leaves her job which is the main reason she is keeping quiet.

So, that advice is surely sound?

No way can she carry on working there with daily reminders of it and seeing this bastard.

anon12345678901 · 31/12/2021 11:10

All the people should about going to the police, have you been the victim of rape? If you are, did you go to the police? Unless you have a victim of rape, do not comment about what someone should do in this situation. You have absolutely no clue how hard it is. The conviction rate is low and you can get torn apart when giving evidence, and it could be thrown out of court. To go through all that and still have it thrown out is absolutely crushing.
It is not the fault of OP, nor any other woman who has been the victim of rape, if he goes on to rape again. The only person responsible for the rape is the rapist. It's not on the victim. For anyone to try and place blame on a victim is disgusting.
There is no responsibility for the OP to report him if she doesn't wish to. I didn't report mine and wouldn't if it happened again, if he did rape someone else, that's not on me. That's on him being the rapist he is.
OP I didn't have to see mine most days so I can't imagine how hard it is for you, I only saw mine a few times after and from a distance, I was a mess when I did too. You are incredibly brave to continue to go to work and I hope you find another job so you can leave ASAP.

DeckardK · 31/12/2021 11:15

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@DeckardK But everyone has suggested she leaves her job which is the main reason she is keeping quiet.

So, that advice is surely sound?

No way can she carry on working there with daily reminders of it and seeing this bastard.[/quote]
But what does that have to do with your post about the rapist 'paying the price'? The focus is on the OP getting out of there and being able to concentrate on her own recovery.

Terfydactyl · 31/12/2021 11:16

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports/a29338866/rape-statistics-reporting-police/

A link to several peoples rape reports and what happened? Very few convictions even with witnesses. And right at the end it says cases can take two years to reach court.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2021 11:18

@DeckardK The OP has had 2 reactions: not reporting this and emphasising she wants to stay in her job. Posters have commented on both. If you think it's her choice not to report it (which it is) then the same applies to her choice to remain in her job (which most posters say is the wrong thing.)

JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2021 11:20

@Terfydactyl So Cosmo is the expert ? One journalist's feature? You'd believe that more than the post here by another woman who said differently?

VanGoghsDog · 31/12/2021 11:21

I would report to the police, just to have it all on record while it's fresh in your mind. You don't have to press ahead with the charges, but at least your statement will be there on file in case you want to come back to it in future, or can be used by the police to build a bigger picture in case another woman comes forward.

This is not true, if you report a crime it's up to the police and CPS whether charges are brought, not the victim.

The idea of a victim "pressing charges" is way outdated.

You can withdraw as a witness, or withdraw your statement, though I think in the latter case the police can still use it, and you can be summonsed as a witness anyway, but you cannot prevent the case going ahead if it is going to.

VanGoghsDog · 31/12/2021 11:23

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@DeckardK The OP has had 2 reactions: not reporting this and emphasising she wants to stay in her job. Posters have commented on both. If you think it's her choice not to report it (which it is) then the same applies to her choice to remain in her job (which most posters say is the wrong thing.)[/quote]
She's not choosing to stay in her job as such though - she is trying to find a new job and struggling. She's only staying because she cannot live with no income.

Maybe posters can help with that rather than arguing over prosecution statistics?

Terfydactyl · 31/12/2021 11:25

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Terfydactyl So Cosmo is the expert ? One journalist's feature? You'd believe that more than the post here by another woman who said differently?[/quote]
Jesus, are you always this fucking spiky?
I reported in my first post about a real experience and what rape victims can expect. It's TRUE because I lived through it. I then Google to find a realistic example to prove I'm not making it up and because Cosmo was the first one that wasnt bland, anodyne report and it will all be just fine, it's not good enough?
Did you even read it? The exact same thing as lots of us here are saying and a lot of them wish they never reported and some are grateful because it went well for them.
It's a lottery as to whether CPS will take your case further and without knowing the odds why put yourself through it when actually all that matters is the rape victim.

DeckardK · 31/12/2021 11:28

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@DeckardK The OP has had 2 reactions: not reporting this and emphasising she wants to stay in her job. Posters have commented on both. If you think it's her choice not to report it (which it is) then the same applies to her choice to remain in her job (which most posters say is the wrong thing.)[/quote]
Wow. OP please ignore posters wishing to argue on your thread.

As I said previously, it's such a hard place you are in and if SSP isn't possible, perhaps your partner walking you to/from work and meeting you for lunch (as they are currently not working) would make you feel safer in the short term while you look for work.

Fish0Puff0er · 31/12/2021 11:38

Sorry this has happened to you

I wonder how many other employees this has happened to you at your company & how many more it will occur to in the future ?

Your boss needs to be outed

anon12345678901 · 31/12/2021 11:44

@Fish0Puff0er

Sorry this has happened to you

I wonder how many other employees this has happened to you at your company & how many more it will occur to in the future ?

Your boss needs to be outed

That isn't the OP responsibility. Her only responsibility is to herself.
Dragongirl10 · 31/12/2021 11:45

so very very sorry this hapened to you, he is a disgusting, vile excuse for a man.

I have no useful advice beyond what others have said, I am afraid and my heart goes out to you.

Personally it would become my mission to expose and destroy him, at all costs, but l understand why you may not want to do this.

UniversalAunt · 31/12/2021 11:47

My general question: is it possible to report a rape to the police & then not take the matter further? To just lodge a report of rape or sexual assault.

Would the police force take the report as just that, file it as intelligence that may help at some time to establish a pattern in ongoing or future investigations?

Or would a charge process have to be followed, e.g. formal interviews, evidence capture ?, & then the victim choose not to press a charge?

I have only a slight notion of police procedure, mostly gleaned from TV documentaries.

Beyond what has happened to our OP & to expand the subject out to the general.There does seem to be some uncertainty here about what is/is not possible in the report of rape & sexual assault. Do rape support or legal services publish any general guidance about this?

I would be surprised if a serious allegation could made about someone & that to sit unproven or untested as data record about someone?