I was raped by my boss, no idea what to do

[ily0x]

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to post this,

A month ago I was attacked by my boss. I was working late, I work in a small office and it was only the two of us in the building. As I was leaving he approached me at the door and said he wanted to speak to me about something, he pulled me away from the door and forcibly kissed me. I was in shock and just froze, I didn’t push him off as I was intimidated by him and the whole situation. He then did the same thing again and this time I did try and push him off. After that he grabbed me by the throat, pushed me to the floor, ripped off my clothes and raped me on the floor.

It was the worst experience of my life and I’m still in shock and traumatised by it. I didn’t go into work next day (I didn’t have speak to him luckily) I pretended to have been exposed to someone with covid. I was off for ten days and naively thought if I furiously looked for a job in that time I’d be able to find one and leave. It didn’t happen and I’ve had to go back to work.

Every day is hell. He doesn’t share an office room with us but I still see him every day. He either ignores me or tries to act all friendly with me and I have to be nice to this man who has ruined my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. The only person I’ve told is my boyfriend but even with him I’ve not told him the full truth, I told him it was a client and not someone in my office.

I’m not in a position where I can’t quit my job. My boyfriend lost his in covid and mine is the only income. I just need to vent as I’m in hell right now and I’m not hopeful about finding another job, with Covid and the job market being terrible. I don’t want to go to the police as I have zero physical evidence and the conviction rate is absolutely abysmal so I’m not going to put myself through that when I know he’d never get charged. I also need to keep my job.

The man is the owner of the businesses son so there’s no one higher up I can go to about this. I just cannot believe someone who I liked and thought was a reasonably nice person could do this to me. For what??! This man is married with kids, has a tonne of money thanks to his Dad, he has everything. Every time I see him I get this tightness in my chest and I feel so fearful and disgusted. And add to that I have to act like nothing is wrong. I hate it. I’m so miserable. I used to enjoy my job and now I’m so irritable and depressed all the time, I try to hide it but people at work have noticed, one of them even complained about something I’d done wrong at work to HIM.

I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend.

Ah, my post just crossed with @VanGoghsDog.

@UniversalAunt

My general question: is it possible to report a rape to the police & then not take the matter further? To just lodge a report of rape or sexual assault.

Would the police force take the report as just that, file it as intelligence that may help at some time to establish a pattern in ongoing or future investigations?

Or would a charge process have to be followed, e.g. formal interviews, evidence capture ?, & then the victim choose not to press a charge?

I have only a slight notion of police procedure, mostly gleaned from TV documentaries.

Beyond what has happened to our OP & to expand the subject out to the general.There does seem to be some uncertainty here about what is/is not possible in the report of rape & sexual assault. Do rape support or legal services publish any general guidance about this?

I would be surprised if a serious allegation could made about someone & that to sit unproven or untested as data record about someone?

No it’s not possible to report it for recording purposes. They will still ask the offender to come in to be interviewed. There’s no way of reporting it without the offender knowing.

It’s ultimately up to the CPS not the Police whether someone gets charged, although the evidence does have to pass a threshold test to even get as far as CPS.

@LumosSolem two years for a rape case to go to court is not unusual at all. A rape file can sit on a shelf at CPS for over six months waiting to be allocated. Even once it’s allocated it will take months for the evidence to be reviewed.

The victims phone would be seized and to not do so would be remiss, especially in a case where they work together so are likely to have had text conversations. It takes months for phone evidence to be produced if there’s evidence on there from an initial reading. There’s always a massive backlog of phones waiting to be examined.

The cases where an offender is charged and at court the following day are not common. Most rapes are committed by people known to the victim. These kinds of cases are dealt with by way of an investigation, then advice file submitted.

Victims are not allowed to talk about the actual incident with their rape counsellor. Police direct victims to an independent sexual violence advisor who will assist and advise them through the judicial process. They don’t talk about the actual offence in case they say anything that could undermine the case.

It’s an absolute minefield and under the current system I wouldn’t blame any woman for not reporting a rape, especially if the offender were someone she knew.

Victims are not allowed to talk about the actual incident with their rape counsellor.

That would be unworkable and no one would know as all counselling is confidential.

Jesus Christ this is horrifying, what a monster.

I hope you are able to find some support. Could you talk to your GP?

@JinglingHellsBells

Victims are not allowed to talk about the actual incident with their rape counsellor.

That would be unworkable and no one would know as all counselling is confidential.

CPS can request the files, not just that but also share them with the defence if needed.

Regardless, up until last year victims were advised against and sometimes actively discouraged to seek counselling or if they go, to not talk about the rape by police,CPS,support services etc.

@Idontwanna How does that sit with a counsellor's professional code of ethics of absolute confidentiality? I know that in certain legal situations they have an obligation to tell the police (eg a client confessing to a serious crime that has or may harmed others.)

Also, a counsellor may not have a 'file'. Conversations can be by phone or off the record.

@FlowerFlour

What you have said here is not at odds with what I posted.

What I said was that it's not your choice whether to "press charges". You can not feel strong enough to proceed, and the police and CPS will decide whether to move forward with the case with an unwilling witness/victim.

Given that many rapes are without third party witnesses, if the victim is an unwilling or weak witness it's 99% sure they would choose not to go ahead.

No, you cannot report to the police just to "log" something.

Also, yes, witnesses DO get summonsed to court, but not by the police. By the court. Usually required by either the defence or the prosecution (CPS) but sometimes just by the court. It is most definitely not a "thing of the past".

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Idontwanna How does that sit with a counsellor's professional code of ethics of absolute confidentiality? I know that in certain legal situations they have an obligation to tell the police (eg a client confessing to a serious crime that has or may harmed others.)

Also, a counsellor may not have a 'file'. Conversations can be by phone or off the record.[/quote]
Professional counselors always keep file notes, and they review with their supervisor.

I'd be extremely concerned about a counselor who didn't have notes of sime sessions.

OP I know you feel that everyone likes him, but my strong suspicion is that he is a repeat offender, I don’t think it is likely that a man leaps suddenly from well behaved family man to violent rapist, and there may well have been other women who left suddenly .
You can’t keep on working there, you really can’t. Do you have parents who might help you out financially for a while ?
When you leave, could you tell female colleagues why ? Tell his wife ? The people who work with him might have had suspicions for ages but dismissed them as “everyone else likes him”.

I don’t think it is for us to tell the OP what to do - we can only advise.

However I do feel reporting it to the police, even if you tell them and say no further action to be taken it would mean his name is on records, and it is recorded as a crime. Otherwise the assaults against women are so under recorded we are never going to get improvements.

I’m so sorry OP. women should be safe at work. It is tragic x

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse

Files to CPS don't just 'sit on the shelf' for months at a time. They have a 28 day turn around to either have a charging decision or send it back to the investigation team for 're-work' or further evidence. That then has a return date.

Victim's phones are not routinely seized - besides, victims can forward relevant text messages or the police can down load the phone there and then if needed. Suspect's phones can be seized and often are. There has to be a specific reason to seize the victim's phone.

Suspects are sent to court the next day if they are remanded - if both parties are known to each other, then there will be a greater chance of a remand to protect the victim. The file which will submitted to CPS will be a pre-charge file. If its a remand case, it will get instant charging decision.

Victim's can talk to their 'councilor' or support services about the incident - its a confidential support service. The ones that specifically talk them through the judicial process is the witness liaison team.

Oh no love how HORRIBLE. Awful awful.

I'm an ex DV advisor.
First things first, can you contact the Nat DV Helpline? Look online.
A lady advisor will be in touch.

The main thing is, you absolutely dont have to go back to work.

You could confide in your GP who can sign you off while you look

Me personally I'd be ringing the boss directly to tell him he will be smoothing the way for me....

But just for now, get a proper support xxxx

Victim's can report it to police and refuse to take any further part in the investigation; so they will not need to provide a statement or go through any medical examination etc.

They will still get access to the support services and victim support. The incident will still be crimed and investigated.

The victim is unlikely to be summonsed (unless there is a specific reason) as the court know full well that they can not force the victim to answer any questions in the witness box.

@Felix125

Victim's can report it to police and refuse to take any further part in the investigation; so they will not need to provide a statement or go through any medical examination etc.

They will still get access to the support services and victim support. The incident will still be crimed and investigated.

The victim is unlikely to be summonsed (unless there is a specific reason) as the court know full well that they can not force the victim to answer any questions in the witness box.

What's your job? Do you talk from professional experience?

Hi op, no other advice to give that hasn't been reiterated, but giving you a handhold xx

I am so very sorry this happened to you. Sending you strength. I hope you can leave your job ASAP and get the help you need xxx

ldontWanna

Police Officer - 22 years service and trained first responder to rape & serious sexual assaults.

So, threads like this do catch my attention and i like to alleviate concerns and miss-information if i can if it help future victims to come forward and get support or achieve a satisfactory outcome for them (sorry - i know the wording isn't quite right there)

There was another thread similar to this, following the Channel 4 programme which i posted on

Fucking shit tho.
Poor lass did nothing wrong and now what does she have to live with, while he gets away.
Not her fault.
HE brought this to her.
Fuck him.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

He commited a crime and should pay for it.

Can you check if there is CCTV recording the door? It might have captured something.

I also second what other posters are saying - he most likely has done this before as he acted in a very cold and callous manner.

I would call rape crisis as others have suggested and talk to a professional. They can give you practical advice on what to do and give you support.

If I were you, I would get a sick note from my doctor, so that you don't have to go into work. Maybe you can confide in your GP?

All the best and always know that there is always someone to talk to on mumsnet xx

The contradictory posts here from 'professionals' must surely make the OP very confused.

We have two so-called professionals, one a PO who attends rape scenes @Felix125 and then @EmmaWoodhousestreehouse (someone connected with rape cases but not sure if legal or police or medical) and each is saying something completely different about the process of reporting.

Who is the OP supposed to believe?

Why do you two not agree ? :)

I suppose it depends on what profession EmmaWoodhousestreehouse is in.

By the way - I don't attend rape scenes. I attend the victims. I can't attend the scene as this would be a cross contamination issue

Here is the draft guidance on pre-trial therapy:
www.cps.gov.uk/publication/draft-guidance-pre-trial-therapy

There's a bit of movement in the support side of things...

If professionals encourage survivors to report, what actually happens is they get hauled over the coals more than the accused does.

Why is this, when she did nothing? Is this the best we can offer traumatized survivors?

We lose them as clients because it's too much, and then they're out there on their own, OR they stick it out and find it AWFUL.

So some professionals are not committed to advising people to make it legal.

Obviously this cannot last, as while it may be easier for individuals, its letting rapists go.

However I am concerned that we have a lady here who doesn't need to hear this, she needs strong women around her to listen to where her head is. Only by listening will any movement thro the trauma happen. She has the right to that process.

So OP .....how are you and how are you feeling and what are you thinking youd like to do xxx

Go to your GP and get signed off. Getting signed off with anxiety is reasonable after what you’ve been through. Then apply for anything and everything you’re qualified for.

I think that you should tell you boyfriend the truth and go to the police, but I know that’s easy for me to say. If you don’t want to do both of these things immediately I get that, but long term this awful man needs to be stopped. What an evil bastard.