I was raped by my boss, no idea what to do

[ily0x]

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to post this,

A month ago I was attacked by my boss. I was working late, I work in a small office and it was only the two of us in the building. As I was leaving he approached me at the door and said he wanted to speak to me about something, he pulled me away from the door and forcibly kissed me. I was in shock and just froze, I didn’t push him off as I was intimidated by him and the whole situation. He then did the same thing again and this time I did try and push him off. After that he grabbed me by the throat, pushed me to the floor, ripped off my clothes and raped me on the floor.

It was the worst experience of my life and I’m still in shock and traumatised by it. I didn’t go into work next day (I didn’t have speak to him luckily) I pretended to have been exposed to someone with covid. I was off for ten days and naively thought if I furiously looked for a job in that time I’d be able to find one and leave. It didn’t happen and I’ve had to go back to work.

Every day is hell. He doesn’t share an office room with us but I still see him every day. He either ignores me or tries to act all friendly with me and I have to be nice to this man who has ruined my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. The only person I’ve told is my boyfriend but even with him I’ve not told him the full truth, I told him it was a client and not someone in my office.

I’m not in a position where I can’t quit my job. My boyfriend lost his in covid and mine is the only income. I just need to vent as I’m in hell right now and I’m not hopeful about finding another job, with Covid and the job market being terrible. I don’t want to go to the police as I have zero physical evidence and the conviction rate is absolutely abysmal so I’m not going to put myself through that when I know he’d never get charged. I also need to keep my job.

The man is the owner of the businesses son so there’s no one higher up I can go to about this. I just cannot believe someone who I liked and thought was a reasonably nice person could do this to me. For what??! This man is married with kids, has a tonne of money thanks to his Dad, he has everything. Every time I see him I get this tightness in my chest and I feel so fearful and disgusted. And add to that I have to act like nothing is wrong. I hate it. I’m so miserable. I used to enjoy my job and now I’m so irritable and depressed all the time, I try to hide it but people at work have noticed, one of them even complained about something I’d done wrong at work to HIM.

I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend.

@mathanxiety

I'd tell him(face to face,by phone,message,email whatever) "Don't talk to me, don't look at me , as far as you're concerned I don't exist and I won't say anything."

A hard NO NO NO NO to this.

On no account should you do this or anything like this.

This is terrible advice.

Do not threaten him or try to get anything from him or his father. They will go nuclear.

It's not a threat or trying to get anything out of him. It's a compromise of sorts to try and get him off OP's back. It worked for me, but I know each situation is different and she already stated it doesn't work for her. I had to spend a whole year with the people (yes plural) that assaulted me. Them acting like I don't exist and me doing the same was the only thing that kept me half sane, for how long it lasted.

It's not a threat or trying to get anything out of him. It's a compromise of sorts to try and get him off OP's back

No, it's an attempt at extortion aka blackmail.

Do not do this OP.

@ily0x

I just want to scoop you up and hug you! 🥺

If you wanted to send me your CV I'll happily review it for you. I look at CVs all the time in my job.

Do you live with your boyfriend? Is he your partner in the full sense?

My advice is you need to do several things. They all come down to one thing; making this 'real' for the other people in your life so they can support you.

Job vacancies are higher than ever. Pubs, cafes, shops, etc are crying out for staff because they can't get enough. Your boyfriend can find a job pretty damn quick but it might not be the job he really wants. But any job is better than none and it will also make him more employable for the right job if he's been seen get off his bum and do something.

Secondly, you need to get this into the open by talking to a support group, your boyfriend, and your Dr.

Everyone is different, and it's hard to know how anyone would react, but looking at it from the outside I think I'd find it very hard to keep this quiet. I would feel like accusing that man right there, in front of the whole office! All the time you do nothing- by that I mean keeping it to yourself and not even telling your boyfriend- it's eating you up and basically giving your boss power over you. You can't start healing and recovering until this is openly talked about with someone.

I can't imagine the distress you must have felt after putting your clothes back on, going home, leaving the office, and keeping all of this to yourself.

@mathanxiety

However I am concerned that we have a lady here who doesn't need to hear this, she needs strong women around her to listen to where her head is. Only by listening will any movement thro the trauma happen. She has the right to that process.

THIS ^

And regardless of whether she reports to police, she will still need to find support and to go through the healing process.

Even with a conviction, victims of rape still have to process what was done to them. A conviction is nice, but it doesn't erase what happened.

I agree with this.

Most victims i deal with are not too bothered what happens to the suspect. They are not really bothered whether he gets convicted, arrested, charged or not. They are more interested in themselves and getting themselves on the 'healing' process - as it should be.

Most survivors don't want to re-live the whole thing again in the courts months down the line after reporting it to the police. Some survivors I have dealt with are happy to report it to police and receive the help from the support services and are happy that the police have taken the report seriously and arrested the suspect.

But beyond that, they want to put themselves first and try and move forward.

I think sometimes this isn't taken into account when quoting the detection rates.

Most survivors don't want to re-live the whole thing again in the courts months down the line after reporting it to the police. Some survivors I have dealt with are happy to report it to police and receive the help from the support services and are happy that the police have taken the report seriously and arrested the suspect.

This makes huge sense. Him being arrested and his life turned upside down and inside out is the least he deserves. It won't change what happened and it probably won't go to court but it will stain his life forever. Good.

looking at it from the outside I think I'd find it very hard to keep this quiet. I would feel like accusing that man right there, in front of the whole office! All the time you do nothing- by that I mean keeping it to yourself and not even telling your boyfriend- it's eating you up and basically giving your boss power over you. You can't start healing and recovering until this is openly talked about with someone.

The OP has a strong desire right now to keep control of the information. When you have had control over something as basic as who penetrates your body brutally taken from you, the instinct to curl up in a ball and close yourself off, defend yourself completely from the entire world, psychologically and emotionally, is very strong. Self protection is the stage the OP is at right now. It's the thing she wasn't allowed to do when she was raped.

She is afraid her partner will do something she doesn't want him to do if she talks to him, she is afraid the police will do the same. Losing control all over again is the rape victim's worst nightmare, especially when it's men disregarding her wishes.

She just wants to get out of there and put it all behind her. When she's out, hopefully she can contact Rape Crisis and begin to process it all. But right now she is in lockdown.

I have a strong suspicion that the OP comes from a background where people have disregarded her wishes and let her down, a background where she couldn't trust that people would act in her best interests and support her, and it is very hard to talk to her partner.

I'm here to advise that she can sit him down and ask straight off that he listen and then support her exactly as she wants him to, not some way he thinks is better. But her past experiences of seeking support from people close to her may well be putting her off.

mathanxiety, very wise words.

OP I hope you and your partner both find new jobs very soon. It's the right time to be looking. A lot of people leave jobs in the new year etc. Or so I believe.

'What colour is your parachute' in an excellent book and may be available at your local library. I am dislexic but I found it easy to read. Itcontains great advice about finding a job. It is good.

I know you have so much on your plate but remaining in the old job is not good for your health.

A job could be a stepping stone, so I hope (as a previous poster suggested) your boyfriend and you are able to consider any job which helps to bring good change.

OP - I’m surprised that in your organisation there is access to information about how much time off interviewees have. Can’t see how that doesn’t lead to indirect discrimination.

In my area of work you would only ever get a factual reference stating title and dates worked, no info about time off etc so that just wouldn’t be a concern. I’m not doubting your experience, but I’m wondering if you are overestimating that as a risk? What about a job in a different sector so that going off sick now isn’t a problem?

Doesn’t help on the financial front of course.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Can you get signed off on stress or mental health issues via the GP? Just to give yourself some time to gather your thoughts before you make a plan. You can't carry on as you are, that's unliveable agony to see him every day. If you can bring yourself to report him, you might go on to discover you're not the only person he's done this to. And you might prevent him doing it again. Sending strength, your reaction is totally understandable and I can't believe you've managed to go back at all. So brave. X