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Original poster

I was raped by my boss, no idea what to do

285 replies

ily0x · 30/12/2021 21:55

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to post this,

A month ago I was attacked by my boss. I was working late, I work in a small office and it was only the two of us in the building. As I was leaving he approached me at the door and said he wanted to speak to me about something, he pulled me away from the door and forcibly kissed me. I was in shock and just froze, I didn’t push him off as I was intimidated by him and the whole situation. He then did the same thing again and this time I did try and push him off. After that he grabbed me by the throat, pushed me to the floor, ripped off my clothes and raped me on the floor.

It was the worst experience of my life and I’m still in shock and traumatised by it. I didn’t go into work next day (I didn’t have speak to him luckily) I pretended to have been exposed to someone with covid. I was off for ten days and naively thought if I furiously looked for a job in that time I’d be able to find one and leave. It didn’t happen and I’ve had to go back to work.

Every day is hell. He doesn’t share an office room with us but I still see him every day. He either ignores me or tries to act all friendly with me and I have to be nice to this man who has ruined my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. The only person I’ve told is my boyfriend but even with him I’ve not told him the full truth, I told him it was a client and not someone in my office.

I’m not in a position where I can’t quit my job. My boyfriend lost his in covid and mine is the only income. I just need to vent as I’m in hell right now and I’m not hopeful about finding another job, with Covid and the job market being terrible. I don’t want to go to the police as I have zero physical evidence and the conviction rate is absolutely abysmal so I’m not going to put myself through that when I know he’d never get charged. I also need to keep my job.

The man is the owner of the businesses son so there’s no one higher up I can go to about this. I just cannot believe someone who I liked and thought was a reasonably nice person could do this to me. For what??! This man is married with kids, has a tonne of money thanks to his Dad, he has everything. Every time I see him I get this tightness in my chest and I feel so fearful and disgusted. And add to that I have to act like nothing is wrong. I hate it. I’m so miserable. I used to enjoy my job and now I’m so irritable and depressed all the time, I try to hide it but people at work have noticed, one of them even complained about something I’d done wrong at work to HIM.

I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 31/12/2021 08:48

@Tillymintpolo

Police, he’s probably done this before
I agree. This won't be the first time. I'm so sorry this happened Flowers
JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2021 08:54

@EmmaWoodhousestreehouse I know you mean well, and of course the decision is up to the OP, BUT one reason that men get away with this is that women don't report and are put off by low conviction rates. Nothing will ever change unless women speak out. This man is being given the message that he's fine and he can do whatever he wants. And rapists often go on to commit more heinous crimes.

The whole #metoo movement was about getting men to be called on their behaviour.

I know it's too late now, but FGS if this happens to anyone else, get your phone out, call 999, and keep evidence at the time.

Wandda · 31/12/2021 09:17

Have you told your boyfriend? And do you have any family support? I was terrified about telling my bf but he turned out to be a huge source of support. If you’re close with your family you will probably find they are too x

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 31/12/2021 09:18

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@EmmaWoodhousestreehouse I know you mean well, and of course the decision is up to the OP, BUT one reason that men get away with this is that women don't report and are put off by low conviction rates. Nothing will ever change unless women speak out. This man is being given the message that he's fine and he can do whatever he wants. And rapists often go on to commit more heinous crimes.

The whole #metoo movement was about getting men to be called on their behaviour.

I know it's too late now, but FGS if this happens to anyone else, get your phone out, call 999, and keep evidence at the time.[/quote]
Of course the best thing to do is always report it to the Police. But it’s her decision as to whether to report it and it’s not for us to pile on the pressure.

I don’t know how the conviction rape will ever improve and a victim reporting a rape is always the first step. But there are a million steps after that that need to happen to secure a conviction.

The dissolution of specialist rape teams means that these offences are often investigated by detectives that don’t have experience or an interest in sex offences. The whole system needs a complete overhaul before things will improve and victims have the confidence in the judicial system with sex crimes.

Terfydactyl · 31/12/2021 09:22

@neveradullmoment99

Is this for real? FGS..He raped you. Report to the police.
Jesus, rtft.
BakedTattie · 31/12/2021 09:25

This is so awful, I’m so sorry you were attacked and violated by this animal.

I just wanted to share though. My best friend was raped. She only told me a week after it, and swore me to secrecy. After about 8 months she was a shell of who she was before. She could barely function. I was struggling with it all too. We spoke and I (finally) convinced her that the man must be punished, we went to the police, who were excellent. Yes it was a drawn out process but he was eventually convicted and jailed. And with a lot of counselling, my friend has her life back again.

This man deserves to be punished for what he did to you.

Lanique · 31/12/2021 09:30

Op I've no words of advice that are more constructive than any I have read here, but I read this last night and feel so angry and sad for you. What an utter bastard. I just want you to know that I along with many others are standing with you, whatever you decide to do.

I have experience of working for a family-run SME while I was in my twenties, and while nothing like this happened to me, I can well imagine how powerless you feel in such circumstances. Thanks

Babynames2 · 31/12/2021 09:34
  • faithfulbird20

Hi I'm so sorry that you've experienced this. I'm not sure what to say but may god give you strength. Report him. It will save someone else getting raped.*

No, it most likely won’t stop him raping someone else.

Posters need to stop telling the OP to report, that’s for her to decide. He likely wouldn’t be convicted, horrible as that is. Yes, he deserves to be punished but unfortunately as he doesn’t have to prove his innocence, but the police have to prove he’s guilty, these cases are often argued off as being consensual as the rapist knows it’s almost impossible to prove it wasn’t. It’s shit for women.

I would apply for more jobs and get signed off by your GP OP, they will be supportive and advise you.

It is likely that most other women in your office would believe you though, it’s unlikely that this is the first time he’s done this, or something like this. Especially given his confidence in doing so at work, where his wife obviously has free access to the building. It’s likely he’s been inappropriate with other women that work there/have worked there before. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are other women there just faking being friendly with him as he’s their boss.

BonnesVacances · 31/12/2021 09:34

This is such an upsetting thread. I'm struggling to comprehend that men can just rape employees in an office at will and get away with it. What a fucked up world! Sad

Bwix · 31/12/2021 09:35

Flowers OP. I hope you can find someone IRL to talk to: a trusted female friend. You don’t have to report this guy: you have a choice. You didn’t get to choose whether or not to be assaulted: your autonomy and dignity were taken away. But now you are in charge of the situation and you get to choose what’s right for you.

I recommend counselling or - if you can’t bear to share IRL - meditation,

SFisnotsimple · 31/12/2021 09:44

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

I'm also so sorry that our shitty, shitty society and justice system are so toxic and useless.

Women need to be in charge. Everywhere. So many things wrong that we could sort.

That OP has had to go through this horrific experience is bad enough, but that there is little recourse and support is appalling.

Taking care of your MH is more important than anything, fuck the rest of it. Do what protects your MH.

Felix125 · 31/12/2021 09:47

You have lots of physical evidence and will have for another 7 days or so. He will also have physical evidence on him. And there will be evidence at the scene.

You should report it - even if you don't want to go through a medical exam or provide a statement, there will be enough to arrest him and force a medical examination on him.

Nellodee · 31/12/2021 09:49

You are in an unbearable position, I am so sorry this has happened to you and I wish every ill on the bastard who did this.
On a practical note, have you and your partner tried contacting care agencies for work? They are desperate at the moment and you may not need prior experience. You could also try local residential homes if you do not have transport. There is a massive staff shortage and whilst the work is hard and pays far less than it should, it is also very rewarding.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2021 09:53

@EmmaWoodhousestreehouse Are you experienced in all of this or just advising as a member of the public? You write as if you are involved in it professionally.

I am aware of what is in the press about convictions (or not) but it's often hearsay and based on a few selected case studies and stats.

I don't think- unless you have inside experience of the system- that it's helpful for other women to advise them not to pursue rape on the basis of a lack of convictions. Nothing will ever change if women stay silent. Men will carry on raping and getting away with it, knowing that women won't do anything.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2021 09:54

@Felix125 Physical evidence now? The OP says it happened a month ago. (I still think there may be forensic evidence at work on the flooring by the way.)

JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2021 09:55

@Babynames2 Even if he isn't convicted, his wife may find out and his staff. It could ruin his marriage and his business.

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 31/12/2021 10:00

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@EmmaWoodhousestreehouse Are you experienced in all of this or just advising as a member of the public? You write as if you are involved in it professionally.

I am aware of what is in the press about convictions (or not) but it's often hearsay and based on a few selected case studies and stats.

I don't think- unless you have inside experience of the system- that it's helpful for other women to advise them not to pursue rape on the basis of a lack of convictions. Nothing will ever change if women stay silent. Men will carry on raping and getting away with it, knowing that women won't do anything.[/quote]
Yes I’ve been in the profession for 30 years. I’m not just chatting out of my arse. You are right, women need to report and I would never advise a women not to report. But the breakdown in the system is bigger and more systemic than women not reporting.

JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2021 10:02

@EmmaWoodhousestreehouse As a lawyer, dr, or police ? Or support?

TWmover · 31/12/2021 10:09

Having been through reporting of this nature etc. Reporting and not reporting are going to both be stressful. There unfortunately won't be any getting away from the trauma of it and the initial coping period you are in just now can move into some unpleasant long term impacts for you. I don't know how long you have been with your boyfriend but it will be helpful for you both to tell him, also definitely speak to your gp, you don't have to explain in detail but even a high level outline will ensure you are signed off work and get offered support. Counselling will be really important, you don't need to rush but it will help. Thinking of you, what you've been through is horrific. Just know, it's not your fault and be very very kind to yourself.

LumosSolem · 31/12/2021 10:16

@JinglingHellsBells I don't personally think it's just about the low conviction rate and I agree with what @EmmaWoodhousestreehouse is saying. I also think @Terfydactyl summed up what victims have to go through in an earlier post on this thread.

Excerpt:
Do you have any idea what goes on when a rape is recorded?
Do you know that your phone/laptop/tablet is taken for forensic examination? Any clue when you get them back.
Do you realise pre covid it took about two years to get to court if it even gets to court?
Do you know in that time you are not allowed counselling for the rape?
Serious uninformed advice from you. Suggest you look into the stats and find very few rapes are even reported, taken to court, get a conviction.

There is no way on earth I would want to go through that. Women need to know this to be able to decide what to do for the best for them. Everyone is different and there are no rights or wrongs. Victims need to do whatever gives them the best chance to recover. It is for the police, the CPS, the justice system to sort themselves out- everyone is well aware of how victims are being failed. Victims reporting crimes when they don't feel able to wont change conviction rates- reformation of the justice system is what is needed and it's not like this is an unknown issue.

Felix125 · 31/12/2021 10:21

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Felix125 Physical evidence now? The OP says it happened a month ago. (I still think there may be forensic evidence at work on the flooring by the way.)[/quote]
Ah, sorry - mis read the post. Normally the forensic window is about a week

Theonlyones · 31/12/2021 10:22

OP, the most important thing is you getting support and counseling (speaking from practical experience). During/after that you'll be in a much better place to decide next steps. You must be shock/denial stage now. This is my own personal experience, and may not apply to you:

  • I told my BF. He was a big support (but there are pros and cons of doing this, so think carefully). You'll have to review your own situation.
  • Later I told a few closer friends. It helped me a lot. I did not feel alone. I was always believe
  • Later I also reported it. It's not easy, far from it, but I knew/expected that. Looking back I am glad I did as it was the right thing for me
  • I needed to keep working as I was a a critical stage of career. It was very difficult, but I managed it. In fact, looking back it helped to have additional area of focus
  • I find it hard to believe this was a single rape by your boss. Typically there is a pattern of behaviour, and he'd likely done this before and will do so again
EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 31/12/2021 10:22

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@EmmaWoodhousestreehouse As a lawyer, dr, or police ? Or support?[/quote]
I’m not going to completely out myself as I have friends and family members on here. My experience is and lengthy and extensive.

Everything that @LumosSolem quotes is completely accurate. Until the system is completely overhauled women will continue to not report.

Felix125 · 31/12/2021 10:26

LumosSolem

Do you have any idea what goes on when a rape is recorded?
Do you know that your phone/laptop/tablet is taken for forensic examination? Any clue when you get them back.
Do you realise pre covid it took about two years to get to court if it even gets to court?
Do you know in that time you are not allowed counselling for the rape?
Serious uninformed advice from you. Suggest you look into the stats and find very few rapes are even reported, taken to court, get a conviction

These are not true

Your phone, laptop etc are not routinely taken - only if there is a specific reason to do so

2 years to get to court is not the norm and depends on the length of the enquiry. First court appearance can the next day after charge.

You are always allowed counselling and support for rape, right the way through out, from the point of reporting.

UniversalAunt · 31/12/2021 10:32

‘ Do you know in that time you are not allowed counselling for the rape? ’

WTF? Is this some legal procedural point?
At what cost to the victim’s overall health?

As an aside, the delay in any case getting to court favours the accused as witness testimony is harder to repeat in court, & both victim & witnesses may opt out of the process.

No counselling for someone who has been the victim of rape or sexual assault?? I am gobsmacked.