I was raped by my boss, no idea what to do

[ily0x]

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to post this,

A month ago I was attacked by my boss. I was working late, I work in a small office and it was only the two of us in the building. As I was leaving he approached me at the door and said he wanted to speak to me about something, he pulled me away from the door and forcibly kissed me. I was in shock and just froze, I didn’t push him off as I was intimidated by him and the whole situation. He then did the same thing again and this time I did try and push him off. After that he grabbed me by the throat, pushed me to the floor, ripped off my clothes and raped me on the floor.

It was the worst experience of my life and I’m still in shock and traumatised by it. I didn’t go into work next day (I didn’t have speak to him luckily) I pretended to have been exposed to someone with covid. I was off for ten days and naively thought if I furiously looked for a job in that time I’d be able to find one and leave. It didn’t happen and I’ve had to go back to work.

Every day is hell. He doesn’t share an office room with us but I still see him every day. He either ignores me or tries to act all friendly with me and I have to be nice to this man who has ruined my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. The only person I’ve told is my boyfriend but even with him I’ve not told him the full truth, I told him it was a client and not someone in my office.

I’m not in a position where I can’t quit my job. My boyfriend lost his in covid and mine is the only income. I just need to vent as I’m in hell right now and I’m not hopeful about finding another job, with Covid and the job market being terrible. I don’t want to go to the police as I have zero physical evidence and the conviction rate is absolutely abysmal so I’m not going to put myself through that when I know he’d never get charged. I also need to keep my job.

The man is the owner of the businesses son so there’s no one higher up I can go to about this. I just cannot believe someone who I liked and thought was a reasonably nice person could do this to me. For what??! This man is married with kids, has a tonne of money thanks to his Dad, he has everything. Every time I see him I get this tightness in my chest and I feel so fearful and disgusted. And add to that I have to act like nothing is wrong. I hate it. I’m so miserable. I used to enjoy my job and now I’m so irritable and depressed all the time, I try to hide it but people at work have noticed, one of them even complained about something I’d done wrong at work to HIM.

I just needed to vent as I have no one to talk to about this not even my boyfriend.

I'm so sorry this happened. It's not your fault.

I honestly think you need to get out of there. Get yourself signed off for as long as you can and rest. Or just "get Covid" again. You need time to relax and recover. Once your sick leave has finished hand your notice in.

You'd be better off working at literally any other job. No matter if it's not something you'd usually do. You cannot keep re-traumatising yourself by going in.

Speak to your OH and tell him he needs to step up and get any job he can as you need to quit urgently.

Jesus Christ you poor thing

I understand why you don't feel able to report him, it seems unlikely he would get the comeuppance he deserves.

Is there any way you can be honest with your partner? He needs to get a job, any job - and get you out of there.

Sending virtual hugs from an Internet stranger xxx

What an absolutely sh*tty situation to be in. Through absolutely no fault of your own. I’m glad you came to this site for help. I wish I had done so when I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought was a friend. Like you, I’ve decided the chances of the perpetrator being convicted is so slim, that I’d save myself the trauma. Like you, I was in a position that meant I ran into the perpetrator frequently in social settings rather than work. I understand people almost insisting that you go to the police and raising the point that he might have or might again rape someone else. As someone else said, that will never be your fault. It is only ever the fault of the perpetrator. In an ideal world, we would be able to report being attacked and be confident it would end in a conviction. However, that’s not the case usually. So finding another solution to remove yourself from this situation is important. Also, having it in record somewhere is important. Perhaps speak to your GP or a nurse at your doctors surgery. Even if you don’t tell them who raped you, so that you retain some control, having on your medical records is important. What’s also important is that you find trustworthy people to confide in about it. And be prepared for the likelihood that some will say the wrong thing. I was blamed by two male friends for being sexually assaulted. Later, when they’d got over the shock of what I told them, they apologised and were supportive. However, it is shocking to learn that someone has been raped. So confide in friends in a measured way if possible. But do find people in whom you can confide. It can also be traumatic to come to terms with the fact that this has happened to you when it is normally something that happens to other people. It can negatively affect your sense of identity and your world view. So seeking professional help will allow you to address this issue in time. Also, perhaps try to find something that symbolises your taking ownership of your body, some sense of privacy again. If that makes sense? Your privacy was totally violated by that vile perpetrator (I can even bear to call them a person, they don’t deserve that title). A few weeks after I was assaulted I had a belly button piercing. I then knew that there was something that person didn’t know about me. My privacy felt partly restored. It could be anything that helps you reclaim any loss of privacy or dignity.
Please trust that you will find a way through this. You will learn to live with what’s happened and you will find a way out of your current work situation. Be gentle with yourself x

Please don't leave this and pretend all is ok. It will eat you up inside and you will continue to feel like this.

Tell your GP so you can be signed off for a bit
Tell your boyfriend the full truth
Call the rape helpline and get advice. Then assess next steps.

Don't let it fester. Sending you all the strength to get through this. X

Speak to rape crisis. They can help you make sense of it all. I wish I could cuddle you and let you know it’s ok. You will move forward you are a million times his worth, he is absolute shit.

You poor love - you have been so incredibly brave. But I think you know what you need to do. I'm so sorry this has happened to you xx

Upset about all the posters saying report who probably don't know what the justice system is like being accused of lying and you being put on trial while the smug bastard tries to get off if I was sexually assaulted again I would take the matter into into my own hands.

Im very sorry this happened to you. It's appalling.

Probably a very stupid idea but - as you work with him could you not call him (with boyfriend or other support system at your side) to talk about what occurred and record it without his knowledge? Then use this to either go to the police or agree a settlement with the employer. I believe it's legal to record someone without their consent. He may not admit that he raped you, but may admit other things in part which would help your case. surely the fact that you have told your boyfriend would count as evidence, that there is a contemporaneous record of what occurred.
All of the above is likely a load of nonsense and I fully understand if talking to him would be far too much to consider, just trying to think of how you can nail the bastard.
I hope you are able to find a new job soon, and gain access to counselling to process the trauma.

@ElizabethT8 This is not a 2 part drama on ITV this is real life! 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

I would put all your efforts, and that of our boyfriend , into getting another job. You will find one eventually. When you do report him to the Police, even if it's months later. They will document and acknowledge your statement and if it happens again it may well help any future investigation. In the meantime you can contact Rape Crisis or one of the other NGO's. You are not alone. There is help out here. Make that step.

Horrendous post OP. I hope your OK.

I think his wife ought to know what her husband is like I would contact her. Have you been check at a GUM clinic.

@ily0x If he has raped anyone else before (HIGHLY LIKELY) and they've reported it - you making a statement will be all the police will need! Look at the case with Chris Noth. Now he has NOT been convicted so I'll tread carefully here but if he is guilty as charged and none of those women were brave enough to come forward, nobody would know he was anything but charming!

I’m so sorry. You are in such a difficult position. I hope you find some peace and support really soon.

@Pinkbonbon
DFOD op has a responsibility to herself and keep herself safe first and foremost. Right now she needs to put her oxygen mask on. She is not responsible for his actions and she holds no ‘responsibility’ to report him when right now she does not feel safe enough to do so.

I do think you need to talk to someone soon about it. I think you have tried to bury it, find another job, forget it, deny it happened, move on. But a month on and this is getting bigger in your mind now and not going away. It might also be PTSD. Please speak to the Rape Crisis Centre and get yourself some help, if only from a counselling point of view

I think you are being so so brave.

I think that your next step should be to take a week off sick, even if you only get ssp, and use that time for job hunting.

Do you have any holiday left? If so book that to start ASAP. Rearrange any dates planned for the summer etc.

Ask your boyfriend to do anything to bring in some income to help support you. Can he get something quickly even if it’s only temping or deliveroo or supermarket or something?

Basically try and work out a way to be in work as little as possible.

Good luck- I’m so sorry something so horrible has happened to you. I believe you. Xx

@elelel

Please don't try to guilt OP into reporting this to the police in case this beast attacks someone else. That is neither OPs responsibility nor her priority. It's a horrible burden to lay on a victim of crime.

Completely agree.

You poor thing. Yet so brave and thinking through everything - I have read your updates.

I completely understand you wanting to protect how you feel in order to keep going at the moment and therefore are wary of wanting to go to GP etc. I really would recommend it now, there is a waitlist for counselling anyway and they can put you on it. But please please do talk to someone like one of the rape charities that have been referred to above - so that you have someone to vent to. They will be more experienced than many of us to know that they can just listen and support you rather than trying to get you to report/ do things that don’t work for you.

You will be ok. You are an amazing person. I am so sorry you are in this situation and because it is a small company you have no protection.

Is leaving and going on job-seeker’s allowance while you look for a job any option? I know that is hardly any money at all but without being off work you will need space to look for a new job.

(I know that you can’t get benefits if you quit your job. Leaving in these circs would almost certainly be constructive dismissal. How can you be expected to stay in a job where you have been attacked by the owners son).

Alternatively as suggested above try to take the financial hit of sick pay between you and your bf while you look for another job. It will be short term. A new employer will never know how long you have had off; most references only say dates and job title of employment.

I sincerely wish you all the best. Please PM me if I can help in any way. I can maybe link you up to legal people who can help, if not now then down the track.

I do think that if you can handle it, that you should send yourself an email setting out a record of what happened. You might need it later. Yes, the criminal courts are no place for a woman who has been assaulted and raped because they often further victimise. The civil courts and employment tribunal - that is another kettle of fish. Trust me when I say that you can fuck this man up good, including for the financial hit that you may have to take as a result.

Please please please please also look after yourself first and do get yourself checked physically. GP or a clinic can help and then get yourself on a list for counselling so that when you are ready you can have help to process this.

@UltraVividLament

If you don't want to report it to the police you are in no way responsible for this man's future actions. He is, and him alone. It is totally understandable why you don't want to report him, you've explained your reasoning very clearly.

I think the advice to contact Rape Crisis or similar organisations is helpful. You should be able to talk through your options and next steps. Is your boyfriend being supportive?

This.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Jesus OP, I have no words, I can see you've been given some good advice but I'm so sorry

I'm so shocked at how many people are telling the OP to report it to the police! The OP must do whatever she needs to cope. She is not responsible for the actions of a rapist.
She has said multiple times she is not up to reporting it so drop it. She needs our support, not guilt tripping.

OP I agree your main focus is to get another job. Rape crisis will offer support and won't in any way put pressure on you to report it so don't worry about that. Please rely more on your boyfriend if you feel he will be supportive. You need his support while you have to continue working there.
I know you think no one will believe you, I did too, but we all do xx

Talking to rape crisis is the best way forward. You have to get away from this toxic environment - put all your energy and anger into getting another job. Only you can decide whether or not to report to the police. That's for the future.

@TwinkleToeMatilda

So sorry you have gone through this but you MUST report it to the police. He could do this to someone else and I am sure you would never want that to happen. Please ensure you talk to the police.

She only needs to report to the police it she wants to, if he chooses to rape or assault someone else that is not her fault or her responsibility.

Please don’t a victim responsible for the actions of a rapist.

Wtaf?! This is horrendous you simply MUST go to the police!!!

Absolutely horrendous for you.

@Pinkbonbon I understand why you’re telling OP to report this and you’re probably doing it with the best of intentions, but it’s not really helpful. There’s highly unlikely to be cctv internally in an office.
It’s not as straightforward as reporting it and him being charged and convicted. The reality is he would say it was consensual. He would also say that the fact that OP has continued to go into work makes it unlikely that he actually did this. Any jury would view this in the same way, which @ily0x is clearly aware of.

Unfortunately this is why victims often don’t report rapes and why the conviction rate is so low. It’s so wrong, the whole system is geared up to put the victims through such a trauma it’s appalling. We shouldn’t be putting the responsibility of this man’s future offending on a victim.

@ily0x I would get in touch with your local SAFE centre and arrange some counselling. They will also do a full sexual health screening on you. This is really important for your future health. They are very good and will support you moving forward. If you have any of the clothing you were wearing at the time of the attack, keep it, just in case you change your mind (even if it’s been washed).

I know you don't want to go to the police and the conviction rates are low, but even putting your boss in the spotlight and knowing he's been reported is surely the right step?

It's probably too late now, but did you keep any underwear (unwashed) or anything to show you have been raped- torn clothing etc that would have his DNA on it?

As others have said, you need to talk to professionals on this and then decide what to do next. And you also need to see your dr or a clinic to check for infections.

So sorry this has happened to you.