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Ds (9) unhappy with his stocking - made me cry Christmas morning.

215 replies

cleocleo81 · 25/12/2021 08:34

I thought he might be but it was too late to do anything about it. I was really stuck for ideas as he didn't really have a Christmas list and I went shopping again late to get some more things.

He only liked a couple of items. The rest he turned his nose up at, i don't like that etc. Unfortunately although dd had the same number of presents hers were bigger so his stocking was half full in comparison. He was then quiet and stroppy. Saying his Ds had more as she was still unwrapping hers- they had the same amount but hers were bigger. The final price was a lot and I was trying to cut back. When I asked him what he didn't get that he would have liked he couldn't answer.

He's pretty ungrateful in general though and I am now worried about his under the tree presents as I think he will be the same. I try so hard in every day life to make him happy, to do nice things for him. He's never happy, nothing we do is good enough. His party wasn't in the right place and was too short, Harry Potter world was boring, his birthday cake was chocolate and he doesn't like chocolate cake, his birthday was boring as we only went to the cinema and I worked in the pm. Despite asking what he wanted to do and he said cinema. he always have a negative.

This morning I had to leave the room and he caught me crying. He's said sorry and come to see me twice so I think he knows he's upset me. I am just tired of his attitude. Everything is what he didn't get not what he has.

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 23:06

I think the explosive child might be a worthwhile read for you OP. A big message in it is not to meet the inflexible (child) with the inflexible (adult) as that way leads to these arguments you're describing. If he has a different POV, just allow it 'Oh you feel/think x, I get that' do not bother trying to convince him of your way even tho it might drive you mad! Just let his feelings be, it comes across that you are trying to change his negative or argumentative mind. Just don't get sucked in. Ime it is unusual that a child doesn't want time with a parent all to themselves so there's a discomfort of some sort there. Don't avoid it but maybe shorten the time, do things he likes or even nonthreatening things like walk together to the shop and chat as you go.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 23:08

PS my own dc, as I said upthread, can be similar in so many ways to yours, same age too. Consequences, chats, being annoyed... None of it speaks to him. I get him through his heart and he has mine. We are as close as can be. Relationship over all else.

Goldbar · 27/12/2021 23:22

With the presents thing, I would just remind him that the nice thing about a gift, even if it's not the right thing, is that it shows that someone has thought about you. Likewise with the parties and other treats - you as his parents might get it wrong sometimes or it might not turn out to be what he wanted, but remind him that while it's ok for him to express that to you, he should also acknowledge that you were thinking about him when you put the effort in to organise these things. So he should thank you for that before telling you what he would prefer next time. Maybe ask him to tell you 3 things that he liked about it, and then 3 things that he didn't, to try to encourage him to take a more balanced view rather than just being negative to upset you.

For the 1-1 time, can you rotate it? So one trip out with your DH, one with you and the third time he gets to choose.

The negativity I would just ignore. If he criticises something, I would just acknowledge his opinion and give your own - "It's interesting that you think X is boring and you don't like it, I've always liked it because..."

Interested in this thread?

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PineappleMojito · 27/12/2021 23:48

Gabor Mate’s Scattered Minds has some really good tips for parenting ADHD children and focusing on the attachment and connection rather than the negative behaviour. Whether he has ADHD or not, the strategies are good for any child/parent dad that has difficulty emotionally regulating. What I’m seeing from your posts is that you’re having difficulty not taking your son’s behaviour personally. It’s coming through in what you say about him - “he’s demanding”/“he’s argumentative” - you have already ascribed a lot of negative traits to a 9 year old child. However, I understand this is because you are finding it difficult to manage and have probably become stuck in some negative patterns in how you relate as a result.

I think play therapy could possibly really help both of you - something like filial therapy or AutPlay (which also can be adapted for ADHD kids too). But you’d have to be willing to engage in it and try things, rather than coming up with lots of reasons why it won’t work/your son is too difficult, as I’m seeing happening here. Again, I fully appreciate that it’s because you’re frustrated, upset and finding it very tough going - I meet a lot of parents in the same place. Maté talks about how important it is that parents work on their own self-regulation, because that’s the foundation of everything - and that’s what helps us detach and not take kids’ behaviour personally.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/12/2021 10:27

That's interesting PineappleMojito the book I mentioned much earlier in the thread is also GM, Hold onto your Kids. Scatrered Minds is on my list now, thanks.

Misty9 · 28/12/2021 10:37

how important it is that parents work on their own self-regulation, because that’s the foundation of everything - and that’s what helps us detach and not take kids’ behaviour personally

This in spades. I don't know if you saw my post @cleocleo81 but I definitely had to give myself space with therapy as well as ds having play therapy. I would also highly recommend the website www.ahaparenting.com which is by Dr Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist in America. It can be a bit twee, but the main point is connection and it gives lots of practical advice and examples. I recommend it to other parents in my line of work too (all the theory in the world can be useless when it's your own child!).

It really can get better. But not until one of you moves out of deadlock, and he's a child Flowers

cleocleo81 · 28/12/2021 20:50

@Misty9

how important it is that parents work on their own self-regulation, because that’s the foundation of everything - and that’s what helps us detach and not take kids’ behaviour personally

This in spades. I don't know if you saw my post @cleocleo81 but I definitely had to give myself space with therapy as well as ds having play therapy. I would also highly recommend the website www.ahaparenting.com which is by Dr Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist in America. It can be a bit twee, but the main point is connection and it gives lots of practical advice and examples. I recommend it to other parents in my line of work too (all the theory in the world can be useless when it's your own child!).

It really can get better. But not until one of you moves out of deadlock, and he's a child Flowers

Thanks very much. Thanks for all the suggestions. I will look into them all.

Yes by nature I am a sensitive person who does over think and over analyse which doesn't help. A negative comment from Ds upsets me, I have a lot of guilt about mistakes I have made previously parenting him and do blame myself a lot. Dh is much more detached and doesn't feel this upset or guilt. I think that's why he finds it easier to have deeper 1-1 chats with Ds. He is more accepting.

Ds is currently doing play therapy and has been for about a year. This has helped him I think- he's better at coming out of tantrums and meltdowns are not as long but they are just as frequent and he still struggles with self regulation. I need to email her about aspects I would like her to address after the Christmas break. Along with this he has quite a lot of anxiety which manifests itself in quite 'strange' sensory behaviour.

OP posts:
Misty9 · 28/12/2021 21:10

Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I too took it really personally when ds said awful things to me. My ds has had a sensory assessment and then sensory integration sessions, privately, which seems to have helped too. His play therapist fills me in every now and again but I don't really know what they do together tbh!

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/12/2021 21:30

Sensory would be a first step for dysregulation, for me. Great he is accessing play therapy. You will have to forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you made if you can and always remind yourself it's not personal when he is negative. It's about him.

User48751490 · 28/12/2021 21:39

None of mine behave like this but we don't over indulge them. They appreciate what they do get and the older ones know that money doesn't grow on trees.

Your DS will have learned a valuable lesson by seeing you upset.

cleocleo81 · 29/12/2021 09:43

@Misty9

Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I too took it really personally when ds said awful things to me. My ds has had a sensory assessment and then sensory integration sessions, privately, which seems to have helped too. His play therapist fills me in every now and again but I don't really know what they do together tbh!
Thanks. I will look into that. I feel the sensory issues are more to do with his anxiety and need to have control over things. We allow him to do what he likes within reason, in this area at the moment.
OP posts:
cleocleo81 · 29/12/2021 09:49

@User48751490

None of mine behave like this but we don't over indulge them. They appreciate what they do get and the older ones know that money doesn't grow on trees.

Your DS will have learned a valuable lesson by seeing you upset.

We try hard to install this in our dcs. We spent Christmas with my dsis and her dcs had considerably more than ours. They were ok with this. But one of her Ds said he gets cheap presents and my Ds said it's because he's naughty- which again really upset me. I spoke to Ds and said this isn't the case and he has presents he loves which are small and it's not about the amount of money spent it the thought, getting what you truly love. I am cross with dh as unbeknownst to me apparently that's what he's been saying to Ds. If you aren't good you won't get presents/Santa won't come etc. I was so annoyed with him. The trouble with dh is he goes his own way when disciplining Ds and doesn't bother following the advice of the play therapist. We argue over this a lot. Not labelling him- I think this is part of where his low self worth has come from. He's living up to this label and I don't know how to turn it round.
OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 29/12/2021 10:03

Well you and his dad need to be on the same page. His dad is giving him abstrong message that he is his behaviour and that behaviour is all important when really you want ds to know he is enough and you love him for who he is. A year's PT and his dad not taking the advice given is really not good. He needs you both as his allies at home. I think you need a total turn around on how to handle 'discipline'. Has the PT given some good guidance here? He is impulsive and dysregulated, trying to deal with that in the moment or adding punishments is just not helpful, even tho the instinct is understable. I say this kindly op, but you will have to decide not to get so invested in his comments, these are just symptoms of how he's feeling.

On the sensory front, has he access to sand, foam, play dough? He may enjoy making slime with you! Anything that elicits laughs is always good. And tears too if he'll let them flow. Sucking on lollipops, crunchy foods can also help regulate and soothe.

Bollindger · 31/12/2021 10:37

This year put up a rewards chart for your DS and for every really good thing he does put a massive star on the chart , 10 stars gets him a gift you both talk about and agree on.
Tell DS that if he were naught then Santa brings coal, ask did he get coal?
Can your son have a question book. Where he writes things down for you to read and answer?

MargaretThursday · 31/12/2021 12:55

Does he always complain about everything?
Is he genuinely miserable about things or is it just the way he acts?

Firstly if it's just a one off, then I don't think he behaved appallingly over the presents. He was disappointed looking in comparison, yes, he shouldn't, but it can put a feeling of being worth less. Look at the adults on here who see a smaller present and equate it with lack of worth to the giver.

One year dd1 had fewer but more expensive presents at Christmas and I told her beforehand this was the case, so they knew it was equivalent. They agreed that a mobile phone was worth a lot more than soft toys and building blocks and were happy, but I think their initial reaction could have been disappointment looking at the equivalent sizes if I hadn't warned them.

Sometimes a bit of managing expectations "if that's what you want for Christmas then you'll be getting fewer presents because they're expensive".
And a bit of thinking how to deal with it-if he had notably fewer presents would he have felt better if say you'd got a couple of things he'd have had anyway (eg new pens for school, socks, etc) to make the number of presents equal.

Sometimes you can't predict what they'll love/how they'll react. I have a policy that if they see something a sibling got that they wish they had one, they tell me quietly, and I'll note it down for a possible birthday present.
Normally they say they wanted one in the heat of the moment, then they come to me later and say actually they don't want one. But it diffuses that jealous moment, and when they think about it in cold light of dawn they realise they didn't actually want it that much. It also means that they make less fuss about it at the time, which means said sibling is much more likely to share it. Grin
But sometimes I think something might cause jealousy. Ds asked for an Alexa this year for his room. I expected his siblings to feel this was firstly a rather big present compared to normal and secondly that it wasn't fair because they wanted one. Both have looked at it and said "why do you want one?"
Equally well, the other two looked at dd2's orange twirl and hoped they had one too (they didn't, they had equivalents). They reached a compromise. Dd2 gave them one finger to share and they each gave her one of their fingers. So dd2 had extra chocolate, and they got to taste some of hers. Actually I thought dd1's chocolate (which was bigger) might be the envied one, but, as I said you can't predict it.

But I'm going to also say my dbro was negative about everything. Presents, days out, activities, food etc.
From my prospective as an older sister it felt like it was done on purpose to get things. We'd have days which went like this:
Dm takes us somewhere as a treat. I say, "thank you, that was great". He says, "I only went because you insisted on me going and I didn't enjoy it."
So dm thinks "oh it wasn't a treat for him" so buys him an extra cake to eat at home, because I'd had a treat.
He says (while eating it) "I don't really like those cakes but I suppose I have to eat it."
So dm spends the afternoon playing a game with him to make up.
He says "I only did it because I know you wanted to play it"... etc.
We had many days like this.

Very frustrating as an older sibling.

Now what happened one summer holidays was my parents decided they would find one thing that he enjoyed.
So they took him to all sorts of things, just him, ate out (we almost never ate out) and us older ones stayed at home, even when it was things that we'd have enjoyed.
Each time he came home and said.
"I only went because you made me," and the parents sighed and started planning something else they thought he'd like.

Then dm asked him if he'd like to go to an activity day on something he enjoyed. He gave his normal answer of:
"I suppose I have to go if you want to go."
I remember being particularly miffed because I'd asked to go to a similar one a few years previously and told it was too expensive and too far. This was more expensive and further.

The day came and they didn't go.
About midday he came through and asked when they were leaving as "he supposed he'd have to go."
Dm said that something else had come up and as he hadn't seemed that keen, she'd decided they wouldn't go.
He was furious.

Dm realised from that that the "miserable" act was literally that. He was enjoying them, but just making them unenjoyable for everyone else Grin around.
I did resist saying "I told you so".

Now as an adult I'm not sure whether he was (as I thought) manipulating it to get as much as possible out of it. Or whether he enjoyed moaning about it. Or whether it was a bit of a self preservation in hiding what he really did enjoy because it made him feel exposed.
I'm not sure he would be able to answer that himself.
He did struggle with positive emotions like saying "thank you" and saying that something was fun or he'd enjoyed it. I think it was made worse though by the clear expectation of my parents that he would act as though he'd had fun.

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