Ds (9) unhappy with his stocking - made me cry Christmas morning.

[cleocleo81]

I thought he might be but it was too late to do anything about it. I was really stuck for ideas as he didn't really have a Christmas list and I went shopping again late to get some more things.

He only liked a couple of items. The rest he turned his nose up at, i don't like that etc. Unfortunately although dd had the same number of presents hers were bigger so his stocking was half full in comparison. He was then quiet and stroppy. Saying his Ds had more as she was still unwrapping hers- they had the same amount but hers were bigger. The final price was a lot and I was trying to cut back. When I asked him what he didn't get that he would have liked he couldn't answer.

He's pretty ungrateful in general though and I am now worried about his under the tree presents as I think he will be the same. I try so hard in every day life to make him happy, to do nice things for him. He's never happy, nothing we do is good enough. His party wasn't in the right place and was too short, Harry Potter world was boring, his birthday cake was chocolate and he doesn't like chocolate cake, his birthday was boring as we only went to the cinema and I worked in the pm. Despite asking what he wanted to do and he said cinema. he always have a negative.

This morning I had to leave the room and he caught me crying. He's said sorry and come to see me twice so I think he knows he's upset me. I am just tired of his attitude. Everything is what he didn't get not what he has.

My ds (almost 8) keeps wandering around the house going, "It's not very Christmassy, is it?". We spent the morning unwrapping Christmas presents with Christmas music in the background, we have a Christmas movie on the telly, he is playing with his Christmas toys, we phoned family and wished them Merry Christmas, I am making Christmas dinner. I am at a loss as to how to make in more Christmassy without summoning snow and Slade jumping out from behind the Christmas tree. Kids.

[quote MrsHGWells]@cleocleo81 excuse me you are throwing a wee pity party for yourself on here, as your DS realises and has called you out on favouritism time and time again. You simply don’t treat him the same, yet expect him to be thrilled to pieces with your half hearted attempts. Stop stealing love your DS deserves and pulling it on your favourite.

You openly make extra effort with your DD as you know the love comes back 4fold which encourages you even more.

Nip this in the bud before you damage your DS’s self esteem any more. Break the cycle.[/quote]
This. Poor kid. His mum not only favours his sister, but then tries to make out it’s his fault because he’s just too unlovable. Then when he responds in distress to the favouritism, his (understandable) distress is used as proof against him that it really is all his fault, he’s the problem.

You want to make out you’re the victim and he’s the problem. Actually, no. He’s the victim and you (and his other parent) are the problem.

You’re the parent. It’s your job to take the lead. You could still turn this around if you stopped blaming him and started trying to find a way to understand him and bond with him. Start with a little empathy for him. And with turning round the narrative that he is failing as a child. He isn’t.

That would be some real Christmas spirit.

Sorry, so busy talking about me, I didn't get to my point, which is the gap between real life and Christmas expectations is hardly ever closed.

I remember my DS1 doing that when he was 6. TBH I've found the whole day quite stressful so far. DS2 who is 11 nearly 12 gets over excited and silly, also has no patience with anything and has tantrums. No SEN, he's got more like that recently, think its his hormones kicking in. Agree that the attitude can be hard to take, mine liked their presents this year, but DS1 (he's 14) never goes over the top, tbh trying to go easy on him cause he's just split up with his girlfriend. I feel totally stressed by all the mess and trying to work out who's bought what, vouchers getting lost etc etc, and by cooking the dinner. Hate myself for being like that, think I've turned into my Mother. Actually looking forward to the dinner being done and maybe being able to relax tonight. Example, whilst I'm typing, DS2 has just asked me when Christmas dinner is going to be ready, I told him 4 as I've only just started. Looking forward to Boxing Day and going to Westfield shopping. DS1 is drinking a can of strongbow in his room, he has his phone and Alexa. DS2 has just asked me if Christmas can be less boring. I give up.

Your update is heartbreaking OP.

You describe his sister as lovely and a joy but there's no nice words at all about your son. All you have to say about him is he's irritating and hard work and you don't like to be around him.

He's eight and he's picked up on that, he's not stupid. You prefer his sister and your update makes it so, so obvious :(

He describes himself as naughty and he didn't get much from Santa because he's naughty. It's a continuous, stressful, upsetting cycle.

Why does he think he's naughty? Surely an adult must have told him that for him to be saying it out loud?

I didn't buy him more, I got him less I think. I think he builds things up to he exactly one way and if they aren't he finds it hard. No amount of talking to him seems to make any change.

Well, this, accompanied by the rest of your post, speaks volumes. I know you're upset but think of it from the point of view of your 8yo. You prioritise his sister, are much closer to her and then you go and get her more presents that are also bigger than hers. It's just confirmed in his head that you must love her more than him.

As adults, we can see that the value is the same even though the sizes are different, but children see quantity and not quality or value.

I'm sorry you're so sad but I think it may be a good idea to re-evaluate how they're both treated and why your DS feels so sad and naughty.

You need to accept he is ungrateful and not take it to heart.

At another time I’d chat to him a bit about giving and receiving, how when nothing is right for someone then people will literally not do anything for fear of getting it wrong

Say I’m not prepared to organise birthday parties for you as your hyper critical and it upsets me. So either tell me what you want and like it or we shan’t bother.

@ivykaty44

You need to accept he is ungrateful and not take it to heart.

At another time I’d chat to him a bit about giving and receiving, how when nothing is right for someone then people will literally not do anything for fear of getting it wrong

Say I’m not prepared to organise birthday parties for you as your hyper critical and it upsets me. So either tell me what you want and like it or we shan’t bother.

@ivykaty44 how about you read the the actual thread. The op is vile and openly favours her dd buying more for her than her ds. No wonder the kid is screwed up.

I would speak to him later under a duvet with a hot chocolate. Mental health problems for children are going to be the next huge problem. So much in the news he will have picked up on. Don’t forget Christmas is NOT the same as it was last year or 4 years ago. This time last year just after Christmas we went back into lockdown and then 3 months off school. Etc please be kind. I would cuddle him later and ask what he really wanted or if he can give a list next year. We do joke presents wrapped up too eg elves brought them a pack of toilet roll each, one got a bunch of bananas etc one got apples etc the greatest gift is one on one time. So maybe an envelope with some paper cards in saying 1. One treat eg swimming eg bedtime story etc eg one movie of my choice etc maybe 12 of them one for each month eg one ice cream at the beach if my choice - mine have had a really cheap inexpensive Christmas they have just asked for no presents next year but just the 12 vouchers thing. But talk to him. It might be realising Santa reality thing, not being with family, or friends or just a blue day - we all get them

@FourTeaFallOut

My ds (almost 8) keeps wandering around the house going, "It's not very Christmassy, is it?". We spent the morning unwrapping Christmas presents with Christmas music in the background, we have a Christmas movie on the telly, he is playing with his Christmas toys, we phoned family and wished them Merry Christmas, I am making Christmas dinner. I am at a loss as to how to make in more Christmassy without summoning snow and Slade jumping out from behind the Christmas tree. Kids.

Oh dear!

Have you got decorations in every conceivable space?

Have you made cookies/a gingerbread house together?

Been carolling/sung "Joy to the World"?

Are you wearing a Christmas jumper or a red dress?

We are waiting for an assessment for adhd.

All of the fucking horrible posts calling him ungrateful and spoiled and a brat clearly know nothing about neurodivergency and receiving gifts. I have ADHD and ASD, and my social media has been full of content about how to mitigate this and manage expectations in ND children over Christmas because this is a well-known and well-researched phenomenon. Reading your OP, ADHD or ASD jumped off the page to me.

I am a terrible liar and struggle to cover when I don’t like something. If I say I don’t like something, that is me simply stating a fact but NT people take it as an insult, and at 9 years old your son hasn’t learned social tact like pretending to enjoy a gift. It also baffles me that a gift-giver wouldn’t want the recipient to have something that they will use and enjoy, so I personally would be happy for someone to tell me they would rather swap what I’ve given them. I don’t think that’s rude but I’ve been told that it is to wider society.

Even as an adult I’ve been told that I appear ungrateful because I don’t display excitement in a ‘normal’ way, which is hurtful. ADHD also goes hand in hand with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which causes me to cry and feel crushed by the most minor disappointment. I also get very distressed or disappointed if something doesn’t go the way I expected, which would explain why your DS has been let down by previous events.

All in all he sounds normal - to me, another ND person. I’m sorry it upset you though, I understand why it did but I wouldn’t punish him or push him to change immediately.

We made a pavlova instead - maybe a gingerbread house was the tipping point? I will try and bang out my best carols while I sort out the sprouts. 👍

@Joystir59

Learn from this. Your son is spoilt. Next time you treat him, next birthday, next Christmas, remember that less is often more. He is going to have to learn to be grateful for what he receives- there is only one way to do this 'unspoiling' and that's the hard way, unfortunately, by giving him less than he expects. Let him feel the pain of not receiving. Add to the learning by encouraging him to give to others.

You are so wrong. This little boy is compared to his sister and he comes out short, his presents are less. He already feels the pain of not receiving but the main thing he isn't receiving is the unconditional love of his mother.

I think it is the mother who has some learning to do.

Buy him a gratitude journal and help him write it every night until it becomes a part of his nightly routine like brushing his teeth.

It helps.

@Dancingonmoonlight

Buy him a gratitude journal and help him write it every night until it becomes a part of his nightly routine like brushing his teeth.

It helps.

Maybe the OP could write a love journal and record the times she is as nice to him as she is to his sister, things like him having as many presents or buying him a birthday cake he likes, saying he's a lovely child. It might help her to help him.

@amusedbush

We are waiting for an assessment for adhd.

All of the fucking horrible posts calling him ungrateful and spoiled and a brat clearly know nothing about neurodivergency and receiving gifts. I have ADHD and ASD, and my social media has been full of content about how to mitigate this and manage expectations in ND children over Christmas because this is a well-known and well-researched phenomenon. Reading your OP, ADHD or ASD jumped off the page to me.

I am a terrible liar and struggle to cover when I don’t like something. If I say I don’t like something, that is me simply stating a fact but NT people take it as an insult, and at 9 years old your son hasn’t learned social tact like pretending to enjoy a gift. It also baffles me that a gift-giver wouldn’t want the recipient to have something that they will use and enjoy, so I personally would be happy for someone to tell me they would rather swap what I’ve given them. I don’t think that’s rude but I’ve been told that it is to wider society.

Even as an adult I’ve been told that I appear ungrateful because I don’t display excitement in a ‘normal’ way, which is hurtful. ADHD also goes hand in hand with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which causes me to cry and feel crushed by the most minor disappointment. I also get very distressed or disappointed if something doesn’t go the way I expected, which would explain why your DS has been let down by previous events.

All in all he sounds normal - to me, another ND person. I’m sorry it upset you though, I understand why it did but I wouldn’t punish him or push him to change immediately.

Same here, the mention of possible ADHD jumped out at me too. If he has got ADHD or ASD (like my 11 year old daughter), it will explain a lot. Christmas is a big challenge for my dd in many different ways. If your ds is ndv and your dd is nt it will explain their differences in behaviour, it's so sad he sees himself as naughty, many boys with adhd are labelled as naughty by parents and teachers when their behaviour really isn't something they can control :(

@Dancingonmoonlight are you kidding me! It will be a diary if all the disappointments the DS has to suck up and bottle is entire childhood to appease his mother who has stopped trying because the gratitude isn’t on the same scale as his sisters.

The amount of people blaming the child without reading the OP's very illuminating update. He's not an ungrateful brat. He's having to live with being the unfavoured child and a mother feeling sorry for herself for a situation she helped create.

@Dancingonmoonlight

Buy him a gratitude journal and help him write it every night until it becomes a part of his nightly routine like brushing his teeth.

It helps.

Maybe that should be directed at the OP, who needs to be grateful for her lovely son and not treat him second-best all the time.

Why do you accept him acting like this?

@Flowers500

Why do you accept him acting like this?

Read OP's update on the first page.

She admits she hugely favours his sister, buys her more gifts and finds her son irritating and doesn't like spending time with him.

I’ve always put things in bigger boxes if necessary so the pile looks a similar size.

My eldest was similar at this age and I think pp have a point that it's built up in their heads as this perfect time with getting your heart's desire. Everything is geared up for that idea for weeks before. If there's one phrase I hate it's "the best Christmas ever". They had a book with that in it and I got rid of it!!

Expectations are too high and it's overwhelming mine have actually been better since they don't watch so much TV.

I agree with letting him see you upset. I've started to say to my eldest that Christmas is what you make it and it's what your family make it when you're younger and an awful lot of effort goes into it. So be more grateful and to be fair to him at nearly 13 he is

If they're expecting magical everything provided by Santa etc they will be disappointed if it doesn't live up to their idea...

Just to play devil's advocate for a second - why wouldn't you like a nicer child more? Sure you love them the same, but of course a human prefers to be around pleasant people more.
Maybe the answer, rather than continually piling love on someone who is being unpleasant, is for the person to stop being unpleasant?

I can see why his lack of obvious pleasure or gratitude is disappointing, but you seem to be overly dependent on the approval of a nine-year-old.