Ds (9) unhappy with his stocking - made me cry Christmas morning.

[cleocleo81]

I thought he might be but it was too late to do anything about it. I was really stuck for ideas as he didn't really have a Christmas list and I went shopping again late to get some more things.

He only liked a couple of items. The rest he turned his nose up at, i don't like that etc. Unfortunately although dd had the same number of presents hers were bigger so his stocking was half full in comparison. He was then quiet and stroppy. Saying his Ds had more as she was still unwrapping hers- they had the same amount but hers were bigger. The final price was a lot and I was trying to cut back. When I asked him what he didn't get that he would have liked he couldn't answer.

He's pretty ungrateful in general though and I am now worried about his under the tree presents as I think he will be the same. I try so hard in every day life to make him happy, to do nice things for him. He's never happy, nothing we do is good enough. His party wasn't in the right place and was too short, Harry Potter world was boring, his birthday cake was chocolate and he doesn't like chocolate cake, his birthday was boring as we only went to the cinema and I worked in the pm. Despite asking what he wanted to do and he said cinema. he always have a negative.

This morning I had to leave the room and he caught me crying. He's said sorry and come to see me twice so I think he knows he's upset me. I am just tired of his attitude. Everything is what he didn't get not what he has.

It is a such huge buildup to the big day. And it's so challenging if you have a DC that hasn't learned how to express clearly what they do want. I learned the hard way to manage expectations.

We decided that our kids can ask Santa for three things, max. And of those three things, Santa may choose one or two. And might leave some surprises in their stockings. Otherwise, our DCs really will expect the whole Smyths toy catalogue.

Even then, Santa can't fit everything they ask for in his sleigh. Santa could not fit a hoverboard in his sleigh this year; the child who wanted this was told straight away, as soon as she expressed that wish. Santa doesn't deliver iPads or consoles or pets to our house either.

Santa may know your heart's desire, but the Elves are a bit thick, and it's the Elves who make the toys. They need some help figuring out what you want.

Our oldest is the child who has the hardest time expressing what she wants. Some of that difficulty is probably rooted in people-pleasing (not wanting to express the "wrong" thing). She's a teenager now, but when she was smaller, she genuinely used to expect us all to read her mind.

That's gotten better with time, but it took some effort on my and DH's part to draw it out of her. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk had a lot of good advice for us.

I understand feeling easily frustrated with one of your children. I go through that with each of mine sometimes. Usually easier to get past if we find a way to spend time together that's fun for both of us. Eg, I don't enjoy playing pretend with my youngest for that long because she gets really bossy and complains when I try to do anything. But we have a much nicer time together when we're on a hike through the woods, building fairy houses, playing in the park, baking, or if I'm reading to her.

If you can find the thing that you and your DS both enjoy doing at the same time, you might be able to do it together and strengthen your bond that way. Besides giving him more security in his relationship with you, it might give you more security too? Just a thought. Sorry you've had an upset morning already. and hope it gets better.

I wouldn't guilt trip him either but I'd make sure he gets the full details of future gifts. Tell him how much you have to spend and what does he want spending it on. Some people hate surprises and find them almost stressful. (There are a million Mumsnet threads about posters who feel that way)

Make him choose his parties etc. If he quibbles about money start showing him the bills and get him to see that you can't spend endless money

My son - who is probably older than most of you - was expecting some how to be getting two plane tickets to Hawaii (from Uk) but all he got were the ingredients to make the Blue Hawaii Cocktail, 2 cocktail glasses, a cocktail mixing set and CD of Elvis's Blue Hawaii (plus a few other things)! Glad he wasn't expecting a Lear Jet to fly himself there!

Exactly the same kinda $hit here.
I cried.
Honestly.

My 9yo didn't give me a list as she said she really doesn't need anything and will be happy with whatever she's given. Alright then. What a fucking trap that was!!!
She got:
New Ipad
Clothes
Vouchers
Bath bombs
Sweets
Loads of small bits and bobs.

10mins after opening the presents she comes downstairs with tears.. saying "This isn't what I expected! I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I really don't need any of that stuff!" It really caught me off guard!
Tbh I had already vented to my mum as they showed no excitement etc.
I started crying. It just tipped me over the edge - I've spent past 2 months trying to find anything, ordering, looking online what she could like and love and need and isn't useless crap that stays unopened!!! And apparently this is exactly, in her eyes, what I ordered....
Feeling very disheartened as it's just me and my kids, I'm not seeing any of my family this year as they live abroad and its real covid hotspot atm.
So yeah. Christmas 2021 that can do one!
It's been a crap year all around and I've kept it together, but this really felt like a stab to the heart.

Just on a side note - she's normally very grateful and lovely child, never once has she complained. Has her little quirks, but overall I can't complain and I'm always proud of her. But this morning hit me like a ton of bricks, totally blindsided. Makes me teary just writing about it. 😪

To be fair, I think it’s reasonable to be a bit disappointed by a half full stocking when your sibling’s is full- he won’t have thought about the cost, just the appearance. Sounds like a bit more 1:1 time with him would maybe help the situation.

Aw you poor thing 😞

I think a lot of people, not just children but perhaps children more frequently, actually feel incredibly anxious about Christmas.

It's built up to the point of being overwhelming.

In our house we have downscaled a lot. Fewer Christmas outings, simplified menu, stay home if possible. It's so relaxed now.

He sounds very ungrateful, I would be ignoring his comments or I would offer to bin all his gifts. I can’t remember my kids every saying they didn’t like any of their gifts or saying anything’s ‘boring’ even when they have got some pretty awful things from family members.

Op I have 3 kids. One is like this and two are not.
The one who is like this (dd) is extremely sensitive and feels emotions very very deeply.
I noticed she had an ungrateful high expectations streak at about age 4 or 5 and since then I must have had 100’s of talks, chats, cries and upsets about being grateful. She is 12 now.
It’s extremely hurtful when she is not grateful for things - it could be presents, nice days out, kind gestures from me etc. Feels like a knife to the heart sometimes.
The talks and telling off over the years and her age means she’s slowly coming out of it a bit and realising actually the work and thought that goes into things a bit more now.
She is high maintenance in many things emotionally.
I have two younger children and they are lower maintenance and easier going emotionally. They don’t have the same high expectations.
Try not to let it upset you. Give your son lots of talks about how to be grateful and make him experience with this by buying something for someone else and watching them open it. Doesn’t have to be Xmas or birthday. Does he have a sibling / friend or other parent you could help him do / buy or make something nice for? Afterwards talk to him about how he would feel if that person threw his gift down and said it was rubbish.
It’s hard op. It will get better when he grows up a bit and realised how hurtful it is.

@Bumpsadaisie

!!!

If it were my son (same age) he would be getting a very firm talking to from me and separately from DH.

I wouldn't do anything retaliatory ( like saying he can't have his tree presents ) because I think that would be vindictive rather than authoritative.

I would speak very firmly to him about how dare he be so ungrateful and how disappointing his behaviour is. I would then leave him to reflect for a bit then go and find him give him a hug, say let's put it behind us and enjoy your tree presents together.

So I would be firm but move on quickly and don't get too upset yourself. Kids are undeveloped they need to learn and you need to show them. Doesn't mean you've raised a monster!

At the moment I think there is a danger you are neither being firm nor putting it behind you and moving on.

My own kids were very ungrateful the other day (12 and 10). I took them out for hot choc and all they did was bicker and max that the others was better). When e we left the cafe I went full Mother on them, said how dare they be so rude when I had tried to do something nice and what a pair of spoilt brats they were being. We walked home in silence, made up a bit later.

After that they've been much nice to each other and we've had a nice time. Think sometimes they need a bit of a confrontation to reset things.

I like your style .

Does he still believe or is this his first Christmas knowing who bought the presents? It might have been an emotional thing for him to understand or start to guess.

He sounds a bit like my DS although mine can tend to get overexcited and lose control of himself. But he finds it especially difficult to react when he knows there are expectations around it. It's like he can't bring himself to say the words he knows someone is expecting to hear if that makes sense. Or feels his reaction won't be "enough" so he goes the other way and says nothing or gets cross. It could be a form of anxiety. I have wondered for a long time about ASD/ADHD.

I kind of remember feeling like that as a child myself when I knew enthusiasm and happiness was expected, so now I try and avoid showing him that expectation, and at non-stressed times, have taught him some specific phrases to trot out when a kind relative gives him something. In our own house, I try and let him express himself in his own way rather than hoping for smiles and delight. Sometimes he isn't able to express things until a bit later.

My DS also has a very sweet sister who reacts far more unselfconsciously and I try very hard to appreciate them both in their different ways, saying very specific things about what I like about them and trying to be consistent with consequences etc. Of course I get it wrong all the time - I'm human - but I think DS sees it and has been happier since we have tried harder.

In terms of stockings, I buy the same number of gifts for each child and try to buy "equivalent" things e.g. they both get chocolate, socks, a book, a dressing up costume, a mystery-type toy, annual etc. This year DD wanted a big pillow thing so I got DS a onesie as his equivalent which had the benefit of taking up lots of space. He opened his quicker but could see they had basically the same.

I was with you until your update. It's absolutely shit being the sibling of a Golden Child. He'll be acting out and feeling insecure because of it.

My DD (11) was ranting the other day about something she didn’t get for her birthday a couple of months ago. She had money she could have used to buy it if she really wanted it.

I stopped the car and asked if she remembered watching the news about Afghanistan at about the same time. She did. I asked what she remembered - people fleeing their homes and children without shoes or toys or any idea if they were safe. I asked if she remembered how it made her feel. She started crying at remembering how it made her cry. I asked her if she thought it was okay to rant about something she didn’t get when she got (and has) so much when others have nothing. Silence.

She came home and researched charities she could donate some money to.

She’s much more grateful now (and decided the thing she thought she wanted wasn’t all that anyway).

He's clearly acting out because of your favouritism for his sister

My son was like this first as a child then as a teen then as an adult. I don’t buy him anything now.

I feel sorry for you OP, but I feel sorry for your son more.

I always found Christmas incredibly stressful and impossible to wrap my head around. In particular, I found the performative gratefulness really difficult. It felt like dishonesty to me, which I was taught was bad, so I was confused. It took me a lot longer than other children to understand 'white lies' and when to tell them.

Nobody understood I was struggling, they thought I was miserable and ungrateful. I learned to show gratefulness with people I wasn't as close to like friends and aunties, but with my parents, I couldn't do it. It made the relationship we had seem fake and superfluous and the idea of pretending with them made me really upset. I needed to show them the real me/how I really felt, but doing so resulted in me being told I was rude and ungrateful. I believed I was a horrible person for a long time.

Added to the above was the excitement and build up to Christmas: the most magical and wonderful day of the year! In reality, it never was, and the fact that it wasn't made me even more upset and convinced there was something wrong with me.

I was upset buy how I felt, if you see what I mean, and I blamed myself for not FEELING right - something I had no control over (especially at that age).

Something similar might be happening with your son. It's Christmas, and he wants to feel the magic and excitement he's been told to expect by all the songs and films and Christmas activities in school, but the feeling isn't coming to him. He thought he'd feel it when he opened his presents, but it still didn't come. Of course, for a nine year old, it must be the fault of the presents. And on TOP of that he's feeling (and perhaps resisting) pressure to act happy despite feeling absolutely devastated.

He'll be feeling really sad. Be gentle with him, keep trying to involve him in little things throughout the day. Let him know you're there and you love him and want him to be happy and you're willing to try other things and he doesn't have to pretend to be happy when he isn't.

Awwww try not to be upset you did your best and he is just a kid. Enjoy the rest of your day

@cleocleo81 sorry hut your last post about being closer to your dd is the reason your son is this way. You have created this issue, however unintentionally. He has picked up on your preferences.

Why the hell would you do a chocolate birthday cake if you know he doesn't like chocolate cake? What on earth were you thinking?

I am sorry but based on your posts I don't think your son is the problem here. His behaviour is reactive of your interaction with him

I understand. My 8 year old is huffing and puffing because he “only” got a MacBook Air that he desperately wanted for but his brother got a switch… now he realises how much he actually wanted a switch and has made me feel disappointed. I think it’s their age. Try and not let it spoil your day

OK your update changes everything.

Forget presents and parties, and pour yourself into your relationship with your son. He is still young, you can make this right. But if you let it fester, it will get worse and worse.

He is bitterly jealous because, by your own admission, you prefer his sister. This will stain every fibre of his existence. Nothing you do is more important to him than trying to improve this.

Do whatever it takes, enrol in a parenting course, get yourself some therapy, assign 20mins a day solely to spend time with him. Every Single Day. Should be at the same time too.

Listen to him rather than talk at him. In children, behaviour is communication. He is telling you how unhappy he feels. Listen to that and let it motivate you to be in his corner.

I just read your second post. Yeah I don’t blame your son for feeling that way to be honest

Your ds thinks you prefer his sister, which I think you do.

She’s a joy to be around and he’s not.

She’s good and he’s bad

She got the biggest presents to him it doesn’t matter about the cost, because he’s 9, he can work it out, can you see why he’s acting up.

Normally I think your son has displayed awful behaviour, but reading your updates I can see why.

Do you do anything with him? Do you do anything with dd? Do you spend time with him.

Was dd a much longed for Dd?

This is so sad.

A mother upset because her ungrateful kid was ungrateful.

So hard if they don't know what they want but somehow you are expected to magic up stuff that will amaze & delight!

Harder still if his sister is easy to buy for & happy with what she gets.

He'll never be happy whilst he compares himself to his sister & her reactions though.

Why did his sister get obviously bigger stuff & a full stocking though?

Had a relative say - are you spoiling x at Christmas- no he’s had a truck and is so wrapped up in it- he’s 2 and great I’m not opening much for the rest of the day. He’s an only child at mo and I don’t want him becoming a brat