Ds (9) unhappy with his stocking - made me cry Christmas morning.

[cleocleo81]

I thought he might be but it was too late to do anything about it. I was really stuck for ideas as he didn't really have a Christmas list and I went shopping again late to get some more things.

He only liked a couple of items. The rest he turned his nose up at, i don't like that etc. Unfortunately although dd had the same number of presents hers were bigger so his stocking was half full in comparison. He was then quiet and stroppy. Saying his Ds had more as she was still unwrapping hers- they had the same amount but hers were bigger. The final price was a lot and I was trying to cut back. When I asked him what he didn't get that he would have liked he couldn't answer.

He's pretty ungrateful in general though and I am now worried about his under the tree presents as I think he will be the same. I try so hard in every day life to make him happy, to do nice things for him. He's never happy, nothing we do is good enough. His party wasn't in the right place and was too short, Harry Potter world was boring, his birthday cake was chocolate and he doesn't like chocolate cake, his birthday was boring as we only went to the cinema and I worked in the pm. Despite asking what he wanted to do and he said cinema. he always have a negative.

This morning I had to leave the room and he caught me crying. He's said sorry and come to see me twice so I think he knows he's upset me. I am just tired of his attitude. Everything is what he didn't get not what he has.

Just to add, it's not your fault op. We all make mistakes but it's not to late to fix things between you before he gets to old and stuck in that way of thinking.

@YoungBritishPissArtist

Your update reveals a lot more. Do you think he is picking up on you favouring his sister?

Yes, I agree. He is only nine and already feels insecure. You say yourself that you favour his sister. Kids are very sensitive to this.

Even without this backstory, at this age I'd always make sure the stockings appeared equally filled, even if that means bulking it out with extra chocolate or something. The visual difference sounds stark and he will have seen it as proof that he's lesser. That's why he's unhappy, not because he's a brat or whatever horrible terms pp used.

And I'm going to go against the grain and say I don't think it's a good thing he saw you get upset. I know that's a big thing on MN, but he's nine and isn't responsible for adults' emotions.

Not trying to be harsh, but wanted to give a different perspective from the general tone of the thread, which seems to be that this little boy is an ungrateful brat who deserves nothing.

Must admit I also thought he was bloody ungrateful until I read the update. Children will pick up on things like this.

Honestly a fre years ago I'd have said ge was an ungrateful brat.

However I have come to realise that the build up to Xmas is so.intense that nothing could ever live up to expectations.

There's also alot of pressure on the children to " perform"

Mine have never been ungrateful this way. However they very much exoress the.nost gratitude, and use of their presents over the days that follow than on the morning itself.

I would just keep teaching him manners etc and hope it sinks in one day..

Sorry its been a shit morning op

Yes- there is lots of jealousy with his sister. It's tricky as I she is a lovely, lovely child so the contrast between them is very apparent. I try to be fair for them but he's all about what she gets and he doesn't. He's resentful to her. I must admit I am much closer to her as he's a joy to be with and is just easy to be around. He is very hard to be around and quickly irritates me. I think as he's got older he recognises this more. I made a lot of mistakes with Ds when he was younger and didn't want to do this again with dd. I didn't intend to treat them differently but as a result I think that's what he sees. But I do try and be fair. He describes himself as naughty and he didn't get much from Santa because he's naughty. It's a continuous, stressful, upsetting cycle.

Be honest now - is dd your golden child? It sounds like it to me.

Her getting apparently better presents will have made him feel second best. Perhaps he feels hurt and rejected by you. She's a lovely lovely child, he's irritating and hard to be around. Who is telling him he's naughty? He must be hearing that from somewhere. Honestly this paragraph is breaking my heart.

Poor little boy.

He does sound very ungrateful. So many children would love to go to Harry Potter World, it's very difficult to get a slot and it's expensive. I took my children there a few years ago.
I wouldn't be taking him anywhere until his attitude improves. Hope you have a lovely day.

We had this when ds was a similar age. We hadn't him take his lego up to bed on Xmas day. He told me it'd been the worst Xmas ever. I was gutted. And I did cry, even though rationally, I knew he was just overwhelmed.

I have to ask if your DC get gifts for other people?

Has he specifically been taught how to act when receiving gifts?

This is a bit old fashioned but I've always very very overfilled stockings. A couple small inexpensive toys and then filled to the brim with sweets and nuts in the shell(obviously not if they're allergic) and an orange. Then a large shiny red apple on the top. 2 candy canes hanging off the sides.

Don't stress about it today but start thinking next year about working on him. Je is spoilt and not very polite. He needs to work on his attitude. All is not list. You can work on this.

OP use it as a learning opportunity for him. He's seen you crying and starting to realise the impact of his behaviour on others. Why not explain to him why you're upset, don't do it in an angry or massively guilt tripping/emotional way, just explain how hard you've tried and how it's made you feel. It might also make him realise you've really tried and actually make him feel more loved - which sounds like it could be a big issue for him.

I think you need to be very careful that you are more than 'fair' to him, he needs more of your time and he is constantly looking for evidence that he's not as loved as his sister. She sounds far more resilient than him so I think you really, really need to work on your bond with him even if it means less time for her. He needs to feel loved and valued for who he is right now, no matter how hard work that is.

Is he the older child?

Going forward I’d make sure he is allowed to do some things saying. “only you can do this because you are younger/ older than dd” just to make him feel special. Doesn’t have to be great things, just things like going somewhere or being allowed to sit in the front seat of the car or something. Just to try to put right the favouritism that you’ve admitted on here.
Also love bomb him. Fake it till you make it. Cuddle him, even if he shrugs you off and say thing like “hows my favourite boy”

I’m with him on the birthday cake, you know he doesn’t like chocolate so why buy him a chocolate cake. Talk to him and ask what he likes. If money is tight explain that to him as well he is old enough to understand.
Sorry you are in tears.

And why did you get him a chocolate birthday cake if he doesn't like chocolate cake? That's just madness.

Teach him gratitude. They won't learnt to appreciate what I do for them by their Father expressing appreciation of me to them, so I'm teaching mine myself.
I openly tell them what I do for them, all the work I do for them. I remember the first time I did this (eldest was having a ' you never do what I want' rant so I listed all the things I do for him) his eyes widened in surprise. He'd, of course, never considered this.

They are children. Their horizons are small and self-focused. They need adults to widen their horizons and perspectives.

Articulate what you do for him, so that he can learn appreciation and gratitude. Then, if he marries, he is less likely to take his partner for granted too.

I have a DS like this, he is 15 and awaiting ADHD assessment too. He is always negative, and it's tough.

The councillors say his self esteem is non existent, thanks to a bullying phase around the age of 13, which has been dealt with. So he perceives himself as bold or useless, not deserving of attention, but is desperate for attention, so acts out to get it.

So we changed tack completely, plenty of positive praise, plenty of staying calm when things get tough, plenty of love and plenty of reassurance.

This morning he was happy with his gifts and wanted to nap after, but didn't cos he thought we would be cross about him not being involved in the family stiff I told him christmas is your day,if a nap is what you need, let's get you napping, and he was the happier for being listened to and understood.

It sounds like your son picks up on your favouritism. You are the adult, you have to figure out how to handle that and make things better because it's not his fault he is who he is.

My ds can be a bit underwhelmed by everything. It is hard work. I used to try to chivvy him along but have learnt to just shrug and say Oh well. He will then generally come round to things and enjoy them. I've also realised that he isn't very focused on things and prefers time with people doing quite normal things. With him, the little things are really important. Maybe next year something like a gift voucher and the promise of a day shopping with him or choosing things would be good for him? He will then get more of an appreciation of how much things cost. Have a lovely Christmas xx

Don't try and deal with it today but I do have one tip. Which is about stockings. It works for our DS of a similar age. We do it so stocking are literally just comics, books, sweets. Nothing major. So it is fairly predictable small things that minimises competition amongst siblings and keeps the big presents for later. When you are ready I think it is not a bad idea to let a 9yr old be told in pretty harsh terms how horrible and negative it is to be ungrateful. They need to understand how lucky they are and to temper this sort of spoilt behaviour. I don't say this with judgement as my DS can be exactly the same.

He describes himself as naughty and he didn't get much from Santa because he's naughty. It's a continuous, stressful, upsetting cycle. I didn't buy him more, I got him less I think. I think he builds things up to he exactly one way and if they aren't he finds it hard. No amount of talking to him seems to make any change

Ok, seen your update. Scrub my last post. This is tragic. Your son labels himself as naughty. This needs to change. You need to help him to see himself differently, positively. He sounds miserable. You don't need to ' talk to him' to change his behaviour, you need to connect with him.
Try reading ' the simple guide to understanding shame in children' by Betsy de Thierry.

Ds in that weird in between stage of Xmas. He's opened his presents, said 'that's enough family time' and gone back to his room for a bit. Once, I'd have made him stay in the living room, but I think he needs time to himself to recharge.

I think Christmas is a time when children think "magic" happens.Except here in RL things have to be worked for and dont come easily.Its built up so much as well .TV adverts ,children at School ,everywhere really .He probably saw his DS pile and thought hers was bigger!(very big on fairness ,children).Just crack on, and have a nice lunch and open your tree parcels . In a few days he will forget about it .

I was in the exact same position thus morning took myself to the kitchen for a wee cry. I feel as if I ruined Christmas, got her a new iPhone but no airpods didn't even think of them. Am sure loads are having the same issue today.

Hi OP,
I find it useful if a bad attitude is displayed, ungrateful etc to do their alternative speech for them (with a little humour if possible) so for example son says:
“I don’t like this toy” and I say “thank you mummy for spending your time and wages on toys for me” (assuming not a believer or it’s a toy from you). My son often naturally parrots back the phrase to me - I don’t know why but this happens. I’d keep it quite light like that voice if they come in from school and say “have we got any crisps” that I would say “hi mum - how are you? - how was your day?” Often then repeated back to me. Literally modelling what you would like to hear.

Another one I sometimes do if my son grumbles is a pretend charity on the TV advert so for example we have no crisps grumble might get “This is WinterSon. He has been without crisps for 4 days now. When they ran his mum didn’t buy any more. Winterson’s mum thinks that hot chocolate or biscuits are acceptable as an alternative snack. If you woukd like to help Winterson….Please give generously…. Usually comes across as quite light hearted but puts things in perspective.

Not in relation to today but in general It might be helpful to encourage your son to think of others with less in a fairly light way so for example you could talk about the food bank (why someone might need food that doesn’t need a fridge or oven) and do a small shop together for the food bank. Take him outside of himself a little.

At 9 I think you could begin to bring in your (or Santa’s) budget and how buying X means you can’t have Y so are you very sure you want X as once you tell Santa it will be too late to change your mind etc. No good at all to try to let a child believe they can have everything and anything they want without regard to cost.

I agree that you won’t get the behaviour or attitude you want by buying your son more and more.

Do you think you may favour his Sister over him? I would try not to let it show . Some DC are harder work ,but will have lots of lovable qualities .In the new year maybe take him out for treats/cinema etc on his own ? Build up a bond between you . I am a former Nursery School Teacher and we never Naughty . as it reinforces negative stereotypes .Try and focus on the positive behaviour as well .

I remember being gutted that I got Grumpy Bear and my sister got Cheer Bear. I was upset/stroppy and got told off by my mother as we were both taught that it was very rude to seem ungrateful about gifts-- a lesson I do agree with. My mam years later did say she felt bad though!

See this as a time he can learn that lesson OP-- don't feel sad, he'll be fine and you have not let him down. It's just kids.

He describes himself as naughty and he didn't get much from Santa because he's naughty. It's a continuous, stressful, upsetting cycle. I didn't buy him more, I got him less I think. I think he builds things up to he exactly one way and if they aren't he finds it hard. No amount of talking to him seems to make any change

His lack of self worth is likely to be feeding into his negative behavior. It becomes a vicious cycle... as the 'black sheep' child I felt similar as a child.. the glow of my older brothers' halo was just impossible to live up to.... I was difficult and hard work, also harboring illnesses I was born with that weren't diagnosed until I left home.. agree with others try to connect with him & help him build a positive view of himself. Talking won't help here.