Ds (9) unhappy with his stocking - made me cry Christmas morning.

[cleocleo81]

I thought he might be but it was too late to do anything about it. I was really stuck for ideas as he didn't really have a Christmas list and I went shopping again late to get some more things.

He only liked a couple of items. The rest he turned his nose up at, i don't like that etc. Unfortunately although dd had the same number of presents hers were bigger so his stocking was half full in comparison. He was then quiet and stroppy. Saying his Ds had more as she was still unwrapping hers- they had the same amount but hers were bigger. The final price was a lot and I was trying to cut back. When I asked him what he didn't get that he would have liked he couldn't answer.

He's pretty ungrateful in general though and I am now worried about his under the tree presents as I think he will be the same. I try so hard in every day life to make him happy, to do nice things for him. He's never happy, nothing we do is good enough. His party wasn't in the right place and was too short, Harry Potter world was boring, his birthday cake was chocolate and he doesn't like chocolate cake, his birthday was boring as we only went to the cinema and I worked in the pm. Despite asking what he wanted to do and he said cinema. he always have a negative.

This morning I had to leave the room and he caught me crying. He's said sorry and come to see me twice so I think he knows he's upset me. I am just tired of his attitude. Everything is what he didn't get not what he has.

Please don't make him feel bad about it today, while at same time don't feel you have to cheer him up or promise more or feel bad yourself. He'll come round.

When he reacts this way again.
Do this... Agree with him.
Tell him since he thinks that way you will be leaving him to plan his birthday this year, his money limit is £100 for gift and party. You will give him times nearer the day.

Since class got the kids to write massive Christmas lists, we've had some disappointments here! It was unsustainable as the lists were huge.

I think it’s good that he’s seen you upset - it’ll make him rethink his reactions/gratitude without causing a scene.

💐

@Bollindger

When he reacts this way again. Do this... Agree with him. Tell him since he thinks that way you will be leaving him to plan his birthday this year, his money limit is £100 for gift and party. You will give him times nearer the day.

Any chat seems to go over his head. We are waiting for an assessment for adhd. DH thinks he can't help it and he just says what he thinks without filter. I have told him already that the way he behaves makes people not want to do nice things for him, he won't be having a big birthday party from now on or the annual birthday trip we do out as he doesn't appreciate it. He doesn't seem to care. His attitude was I didn't want it anyway.

Yes- there is lots of jealousy with his sister. It's tricky as I she is a lovely, lovely child so the contrast between them is very apparent. I try to be fair for them but he's all about what she gets and he doesn't. He's resentful to her. I must admit I am much closer to her as he's a joy to be with and is just easy to be around. He is very hard to be around and quickly irritates me. I think as he's got older he recognises this more. I made a lot of mistakes with Ds when he was younger and didn't want to do this again with dd. I didn't intend to treat them differently but as a result I think that's what he sees. But I do try and be fair. He describes himself as naughty and he didn't get much from Santa because he's naughty. It's a continuous, stressful, upsetting cycle.

I didn't buy him more, I got him less I think. I think he builds things up to he exactly one way and if they aren't he finds it hard. No amount of talking to him seems to make any change.

My daughter was like this. She wanted things to be like a movie. So grand reveals and OTT expectations. And very specific ideas. I remember she asked for a Slyvania baby squirrel and complained that she got the whole family ! Very hard work and so upsetting at the ungratefulness of it all.

Had to have a talk about the realities of life . It isn't all about you and your behaviour affects others , especially your mother deeply.

He has apologised and knows he is wrong . Try not to let it spoil your day.

He sounds like an ungrateful little brat. Sorry, but if that was my child I’d be crying too.

@Sweetchocolatecandy

He sounds like an ungrateful little brat. Sorry, but if that was my child I’d be crying too.

Merry Christmas to you too

OP's son is a little boy, still learning about the world. What's your excuse for being so thoughtless and nasty?

OP I would preempt every event with a talk/ reminder that you might not get everything you want, but the importance of being grateful. Remind the day before and just before any event. He sounds like he needs to build his self-esteem and you need to strengthen your bond with him.

I've had an element of this also this morning with six year old DS who has asd. He didn't tell us anything specific he wanted from Santa and he has complained that his sister got more than him and even though his stuff actually cost way more as she got make up and lots of little things from primark. Last week he decided to circle almost every toy in the Smyths toy catalogue and I did explain at that stage Santa's workshop already had the toys ready to go. Although in his defence he has asd do we now know what to expect from him

The stocking would be empty next year if it was me 😂

But in all seriousness, sorry you feel like that this morning. Maybe you could do something with both of them along the lines of donating toys to a charity shop etc or toy bank and explaining that lots of children didn’t get anything at all for Christmas.

This is a side note but does he play an iPad, computer or tablet often? I’m a teacher and I’ve found this attitude isn’t just in one or two children, there’s a very ungrateful attitude among them all. I buy them all a present every Christmas and summer, give them prizes when they win things and buy them chocolate or snacks for events. There will be 1 or 2 children max that will actually think to say thank you. Some will even say ‘I don’t like that’, ‘but I don’t want that one’ etc 🤦🏼‍♀️ It’s especially frustrating when I’ve spent so much money on them (and the classroom all year), to the point I have very little left to buy my actually family gifts then you hear comments like that 🙄 You do just have to brush it off or pull them up on it as it happens though. I think completely going without or seeing how others go without could be a good lesson for so many children. The trend I’ve noticed over the years, maybe not directly correlated but definitely impacts their whole outlook.. is the children who play iPads and have instant access to anything they want to watch or play on tv just don’t have any patience. If they’re not absolutely blown away by something they’re over it and don’t want anything to do with it. I think that’s part of the reason teaching has become sooo hard the last 5ish years, because they all have this instant access to entertainment at their finger tips, so why would they bother listening to a teacher whittling on or play an educational game? 🙄

I think it’s a whole society thing that needs to change. Now I have my own child I’m going to try as long as I physically can not to let him have any of that stuff, but the pressure obviously comes from the fact all of their friends do so it gets really hard.

Hope he hasn’t spoiled your day. What I’m saying is, it’s not just him 😂🙈

You did your best. It's fine for him to see he upset you because it;s not OK for him to behave like a spoiled brat.

Later, explain to him that if he doesn;t give people a Christmas list and put thought into what he;d like, how can he expect other people to know what will make him happy.

And explain the presents were equal in number and price, but his were a smaller size.

Also, (speaking from experience here) try less hard to please him. that;s not your job. I made that mistake, and I became like an anxious servant scurrying around trying to make DC happy all the time. Just do your best and allow yourself to feel satisfied with that. hard if you are a people pleaser but healthier for everyone in the long run.

I can't imagine this...why hasn't he been taught to be thankful and polite?

Also I agree with the person earlier who said Christmas starts too early and is being built up too much and I really think their expectations are all over the place

@MeltedWax there are plenty of little boys who are appreciative and grateful for what they receive- OP’s child is not one of them and the fact that he is just a ‘little boy’ is not an excuse for his selfish, brattish behaviour.

This is an excellent lesson for him. Maybe not today (unless the opportunity arrises) but maybe tomorrow, you say to him that it's a hit tricky for people to know what to get him because he can't suggest ideas and doesn't enjoy a lot of things, so not much is left. Explain that while you and others want him to enjoy gifts and experiences, you are not miracle workers and so if he can't offer up some ideas or enthusiasm that he won't get the same sort of excitement that other people get. Give him more accountability for decisions and confront ungrateful behaviour each time.

Sorry you're feeling like this and sorry that he's not happy. Despite it all, we all just want our children to have a good Christmas. Perhaps he could choose the games to play today.

Having seen your update OP, I can see a lot of similarities to the relationships here, right down to having 'done it right' with second dc.. Your ds can feel this difference acutely. His self talk is reflecting all that. He is saying so clearly 'I don't need things, I want connection, I want to be loved for who I am.' I would take this as a flag now to try to change things between you, no more talk of naughty if that has been the eay, spend special time with him, build the relationship, that is not on him. It is hard and he can see how great his dsis is, which makes it all the harder for him. Lots of acknowledgement for him and loads of love and connection to boost him a bit. As I say, all very familiar here. Reading a super book at the moment and relationship and attachment is everything for a child. He is feeling disconnected and he's showing it. You know you love him but perhaps he doesn't feel it.

Your update reveals a lot more. Do you think he is picking up on you favouring his sister?

@Wigglegiggle0520

No advice OP but solidarity. I think it’s good he saw you upset and at least apologised. I’ll be following to see if anyone has any good advice. I hope you can put it behind you and still enjoy the day

Yeah. I agree.

I remember DD ruining Christmas because her new cassette recorder was the wrong shape, then the year she started crying because she was tired of opening presents.

Happy days!!!

he calls himself naughty? where did he gaet that from?

sorry "get"

Some kids can’t separate value and size until they are working. (My twins are a very good example of this.)
It’s so, so hard. You could probably gift wrap an elephant and still be wrong because that’s the narrative he needs to preserve.
I don’t have much advice, because at 9 it’s easy to say he’s being a spoiled brat and needs a foot in the bum… As you said, there are other factors at play too. You are both sensitive to each other and playing each other off too. What a heavy load for you! He needs reassurance AND boundaries. It’s impossible to get that right all the time.

It’s a difficult one. I have two pre-teen sons (am glad I didn’t have girls, looking at some of the previous threads) and have had to think carefully about the stockings each year.

What I have found is that the gifts need to be very targeted and there is no point in buying generic bits of Christmassy tat (they do not appreciate it whatsoever). It’s good to include some bigger fun but not overly expensive items eg one year I put in skateboards and this year I put giant popcorn bottles. Otherwise a mixture of things like sweets and stuff they need eg cool hoodies and trainers. If DS is into gaming, a gift voucher for that (eg Roblox) will go down very well.

Sounds like a very ungrateful child, maybe he has had too much in the past. Sorry, it has upset you OP

I think his behaviour stems from believing hes naughty and knowing you find him irrating rather than being ungreatful.
Maybe next year you should work on the bond between you, have time together without his sister and try and fix things. Sounds like a issue of self esteem.