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Original poster

Can a father really just take the baby if there's no agreement for him to have them both?

249 replies

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 10:22

DFriend has got herself into a terribly sticky situation and she's in bits... she knows I'm posting but she's very depressed by it all

DFriend spent a few months in another country outside of the EU for work. She had a bit of a love interest and the sex was a one off.. there's often quite a lot of waiting around before DTD as it's just not the norm to date and then have sex straight away, from what she says. So they're both a bit shocked it all came to be from a one off

DFriend is back in the UK now and she's pregnant. She's terrified but knows she wants to keep the baby.

She let the father know and he was a bit disappointed since they are not married, and would be expected to be. But then he came around within minutes and says she should return to him so they can be married and have the baby in his country.

She says she does not want to do that, she's staying here. He has told her that if she won't come back then he can have it arranged so that he keeps the baby and has sole custody. He claims he thinks this would be the case even if she gives birth in the UK

Thing is he didn't sound threatening, from what I heard. And things are worded differently when you're from other cultures so I don't think he's abusive.

She does say if he was in the UK she'd have liked to maybe have a relationship with him because he's very kind and polite, very trustworthy. Likes his culture. But she doesn't want to live outside of the UK

But, can he really do that? Obviously she will have to research this properly and get proper legal advice but is it really possible, anywhere?

I've said I'm pretty sure the UK would protect her and not allow this. I hope I'm right

OP posts:
negomi90 · 12/12/2021 10:27

Your right. She needs to stay in the UK and put down roots.
When the baby is born she needs to get a UK passport asap (and if the baby will eligible for a 2nd passport from dad's country, she needs that too). Then guard them.
He can go through the courts for access but with a baby he won't get over nights for a while (especially if she breast feeds).

ditalini · 12/12/2021 10:27

No. There is no mechanism that allows this.

However, she is hopefully aware that if she goes tobhis country to have the baby, married or not, he may well have greater rights than her.

I would take this as a huge red flag, refuse to go to that country again, apply for passport as soon as the baby is born and keep it secure. Under no circumstances allow him to take the child to his country.

Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 10:29

@negomi90

Your right. She needs to stay in the UK and put down roots. When the baby is born she needs to get a UK passport asap (and if the baby will eligible for a 2nd passport from dad's country, she needs that too). Then guard them. He can go through the courts for access but with a baby he won't get over nights for a while (especially if she breast feeds).
She has a UK passport, she's English
OP posts:

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BridgetJonesDaiquiri · 12/12/2021 10:29

He sounds lovely Confused probably a good idea that she is well shot of him. Can she cut off communication? Does he know where she lives in the UK?

No he cannot just come and take the baby. It would be abduction. Even if a foreign court ordered that the mother and baby be brought back to his country for a paternity test (unlikely but I suppose not impossible in some countries), how is the court going to enforce that? And he'd have to show all sorts of documentation to even take the baby out of the UK. How would he prove he is the father? It would just be his word. I think she's safe.

ComDummings · 12/12/2021 10:30

I’d be very worried that he would be wanting to take the baby (abduction) so I’d be telling her to get legal advice immediately.

Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 10:31

From what I can gather from friend, a father abandoning his child and the mother is seen as very shameful in his country and people will be very clear about that to him

OP posts:
BridgetJonesDaiquiri · 12/12/2021 10:31

Also to say that she should not visit the country where this chap lives while pregnant or with the child and he could have stronger rights while she is in his country.

Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 10:33

So it would probably be too risky then for her to ever visit with her DC?

He doesn't know where she lives. She said she lived in a place near London (we are SE), but that's it. Not on purpose, just because it was easier for him to understand that way

OP posts:
BridgetJonesDaiquiri · 12/12/2021 10:33

@prettyingold

From what I can gather from friend, a father abandoning his child and the mother is seen as very shameful in his country and people will be very clear about that to him
That's unfortunate. But doesn't mean your friend should be obligated to go back there, marry him and make his life easier. It took two to tango
titchy · 12/12/2021 10:34

People mean the baby needs to get a UK passport...

LowlyTheWorm · 12/12/2021 10:36

She should just lie and say she miscarried. And then change her social media to be unrecognisable and block him.

BridgetJonesDaiquiri · 12/12/2021 10:36

@prettyingold

So it would probably be too risky then for her to ever visit with her DC?

He doesn't know where she lives. She said she lived in a place near London (we are SE), but that's it. Not on purpose, just because it was easier for him to understand that way

It should be difficult for him to have any claim over the child if he/she was born in the UK, had a Uk passport and there is nothing about this bloke on the child's birth certificate. He should have no legal rights (at least not acknowledged in the UK). But its difficult to say without knowing the laws of that particular country. It would be risky in some countries if their laws are inherently patriarchal/favour the father.
Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 10:38

@LowlyTheWorm

She should just lie and say she miscarried. And then change her social media to be unrecognisable and block him.

Should she not think very long and hard about doing that though? Once you've done that, there's no going back.

You can't then turn around 10 years later and say yeah, here's your kid. I didn't really miscarry after all

OP posts:
BridgetJonesDaiquiri · 12/12/2021 10:38

@LowlyTheWorm

She should just lie and say she miscarried. And then change her social media to be unrecognisable and block him.
Have to say I'd probably do this as well. Don't usually cordons lying but he's threatened her and her unborn child. It may have come from a place of fear (of being shamed) but it is a massive red flag.
Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 10:40

It's not a Muslim country (I've mentioned that since I've seen a lot about certain Muslims countries having a lot of control when it comes to women/wives)

Obviously she will have to get proper legal advice but from what I can gather, even if she was in the country, they don't remove or allow shared custody in most cases before the child is Age 2 or breastfeeding etc

OP posts:
SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 12/12/2021 10:41

Block him on everything and change her socials to be unrecognisable.

flowery · 12/12/2021 10:42

If he would threaten to take a baby from its mother, he is not “kind”, regardless of his culture. That’s a selfish thing to do, for the sake of protecting his own reputation.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/12/2021 10:43

He cannot do what he is threatening it simply would not happen.

However there is absolute potential here for this man to be a danger to her and her future childs happiness if she allows herself to be swayed by him.

She absoloutley cannot travel to his country, with or without the baby. Its imperative that she does not try and facilitate any relationship between the man and the child.

Whether she chooses to send regular updates on the child to him is up to her - but they should be with as little detail about them both as possible.

Personally (and I am usually all for trying to keep some sort of relationship between parent and child), I'd say she needs to ghost him.

MrsColon · 12/12/2021 10:45

Oh no, she should definitely not visit the father in his home country! He might be able to steal the child and do a runner.

This isn't scaremongering, it's happened before to other women/children.

PurplePikachu · 12/12/2021 10:46

Honestly I’m normally in favour of dads rights.

But in this case I’d agree - say she miscarried. Then change all contact details. Never never go to his country or contact him again until the child is 18.

The reality is, there are countries that have corrupt legal systems and there are countries that don’t enforce court rulings even if she has them.

If he lives in that kind of country, then it’s entirely possible he could take the child (legally or otherwise) and she would never get the child back.

Does she have an unusual name? If so I would honestly change that as well.

Basically lie, say she miscarried, and then make it impossible for him to trace her in case he suspects she lied.

A man who threatens to take away the baby is not somebody she or her child need in their lives at all.

Theunamedcat · 12/12/2021 10:48

She needs to block delete and remove him from her life he is unkind and threatening

HadaVerde · 12/12/2021 10:49

He sounds dangerous.

She should cut all contact.

EMotion · 12/12/2021 10:50

Previs posters mean that she needs to get the baby’s passport ASAP after the baby is born (and any baby is entitled to from the paternal side) so that the father can’t get the baby’s passport and take the child out of the UK, to his home country.

rc22 · 12/12/2021 10:50

No he won't be able to remove the baby from the UK. She should also be very careful of allowing the dad contact with the baby and should certainly avoid taking the baby to the father's country.

BeepBoopBoob · 12/12/2021 10:51

I'm not sure he sounds lovely at all 😖 who goes from being excited to then saying well I will take the baby!? Surely he would be saying right we need to figure out how we can co parent effectively, knowing full well a young baby should usually be kept with the mum for a good amount of time before any separations occur - and if she's bf that may well be up to a year!

She has a UK passport so I don't believe he can take the baby, but she needs to be wary now about the birth certificate, ever going to his country, and also contact as if he takes baby while having contact and is on the birth certificate there is very little that can be done without applying to court (unless he's a proven and documented danger to baby)

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