Page 10 | Can a father really just take the baby if there's no agreement for him to have them both?

prettyingold · 2021-12-12T10:22:22+00:00

DFriend has got herself into a terribly sticky situation and she's in bits... she knows I'm posting but she's very depressed by it all DFriend spent a few months in another country outside of the EU for work. She had a bit of a love interest and the sex was a one off.. there's often quite a lot of waiting around before DTD as it's just not the norm to date and then have sex straight away, from what she says. So they're both a bit shocked it all came to be from a one off DFriend is back in the UK now and she's pregnant. She's terrified but knows she wants to keep the baby. She let the father know and he was a bit disappointed since they are not married, and would be expected to be. But then he came around within ^minutes^ and says she should return to him so they can be married and have the baby in his country. She says she does not want to do that, she's staying here. He has told her that if she won't come back then he can have it arranged so that he keeps the baby and has sole custody. He claims he thinks this would be the case even if she gives birth in the UK Thing is he didn't sound threatening, from what I heard. And things are worded differently when you're from other cultures so I don't think he's abusive. She does say if he was in the UK she'd have liked to maybe have a relationship with him because he's very kind and polite, very trustworthy. Likes his culture. But she doesn't want to live outside of the UK But, can he really do that? Obviously she will have to research this properly and get proper ^legal advice^ but is it really possible, anywhere? I've said I'm pretty sure the UK would protect her and not allow this. I hope I'm right

Sugarplumfairy65 · 12/12/2021 19:56

@TeenyQueen

South Korean culture, as far as I know, is extremely patriarchal. It's also very insular and not so welcoming to foreigners. There is an increasing gap between the rich and poor. They are technologically very advanced but still very 'backward' when it comes to women and children's rights

No, it isn't. In fact it's quite the opposite

isadoradancing123 · 12/12/2021 20:19

Has no one read the stories of many now adult people who have been adopted and have gone to great lengths to trace their biological parents, yet some posters are advocating telling the father that she has had a miscarriage, does this then mean she will tell the child , in years to come, that his/ her father is dead

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 12/12/2021 21:32

@isadoradancing123

Has no one read the stories of many now adult people who have been adopted and have gone to great lengths to trace their biological parents, yet some posters are advocating telling the father that she has had a miscarriage, does this then mean she will tell the child , in years to come, that his/ her father is dead

Why does she need to tell the child that the father is dead?! She can tell the child the truth about everything and it wouldn't affect what she's said to the father.

TeenyQueen · 12/12/2021 22:42

@isadoradancing123

Has no one read the stories of many now adult people who have been adopted and have gone to great lengths to trace their biological parents, yet some posters are advocating telling the father that she has had a miscarriage, does this then mean she will tell the child , in years to come, that his/ her father is dead

Has no one read stories of children who have been abducted by the other parent, taken abroad illegally and effectively disappeared. Some mothers and fathers don't get to see their children again until they're adults. Going the legal process to get your child back can be extremely expensive and lengthy, and in some countries the father's rights take priority.

OP's friend barely knows this man and doesn't know his culture. Yesterday there was another thread on MN about a new mum who's boyfriend turned out to be an abusive and aggressive tw*t soon after he discovered she was pregnant. At the minimum OP's friend should give the baby her surname and not invite the father to register the child's birth so he won't be on the birth certificate. He could still be a part of the child's life and be a father, but it would make it harder for him to try to kidnap the child or claim custody.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/12/2021 23:41

An unplanned pregnancy must be a shock for your friend. The suggestion that the baby should go and live in another country without her is ludicrous.

As her friend I'd be advising her to think long and hard about what she really wants. Does she want the baby? Is she prepared to do it alone? Can she go it alone?

Talk about him attending scans is too premature. Did she consider him as anything other than a holiday fling before she realised she was pregnant? It sounds like she is thinking about retaining a relationship with him for the sake of the baby. Speaking from bitter experience, a pregnancy is not a good way to start a relationship.

She is so young. To be honest, if she was my friend I'd be advising her not to go ahead with the pregnancy.

IamGusFring · 13/12/2021 00:12

[quote prettyingold]@NdujaWannaDance I don't know, early she thinks as it couldn't be possibly be over 5/6 weeks [/quote]
Hmmmmmmm.......you know a lot but you don't know this ?

liveforsummer · 13/12/2021 03:30

They truly are honorable and gentle people

You simply cannot say that about an entire nation of people. There are arseholes and abusers EVERYWHERE. And people who go straight to threats of taking a baby the second they don't get agreement for what they've asked for fall in to that category regardless of country of residence.

Original poster

prettyingold · 13/12/2021 06:29

@IamGusFring I don't know because she doesn't know. She's saying around 5/6 weeks

OP posts:

OhFGSWhenDoesItStop · 13/12/2021 06:47

But from what she's said and what I've read about Korea whilst looking at my thread, it would be most shameful to get someone pregnant like this if he's married, and shameful again even if not married. So why would he be wanting the child anywhere near him if he is married?

I don't think anyone suggested he's having an affair - more that at 39 in this culture and especially position in the family you'd expect this man to be married with kids, why isn't he?!

Maybe he is, but they can't have kids which is why he offered to take the baby and raise it.

notacooldad · 13/12/2021 07:02

Others have already said what I would advice.
In her shoes I would
1 Block immediately. Be on as few socials as possible. Name change on them with no identifying pictures
2 keep copies of threats
3 Get passports for the child as soon as it is born
4Dont put his name down on birth certificate
5 Never visit the country until the child is an adult
6 make sure he cant find your address.
7 Dont be visible on the electrol roll or any public ways if finding you

GrannytoaUnicorn · 13/12/2021 09:35

@SoItWas

I agree she should have baby in the UK, not name him on the birth certificate, and get the babies passport asap (and hide it where he'll never find it), and any visits should be supervised by her, in the UK. I'm not saying he shouldn't know his child, but she should take all measures to ensure he can't take the child abroad and refuse to return him/her.

Also I think it's weird that in his culture they don't date, have sex right away, but would then expect the parents to be married, if the woman got pregnant. Is this the actual norm, something he's told her, or specific to a certain friendship group she became part of..?

Fgs she couldn't 'name him' or ANYBODY on the birth certificate anyway, without him there. I'm honestly staggered at how many people don't seem to realise this. Otherwise we'd have deranged mothers naming Prince William or 'the cute lad down the street' as the father of their child! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Starcup · 13/12/2021 11:16

This thread is bonkers.

What a circus to bring a child up in.

Worst thing is, what’s best for a baby/child is second to the mother and the fathers wants…..

Disaster waiting to happen. Then in 7 years time it’ll be another thread ‘Child dad wants custody and he’s taken back to different country…. Help?’

Why would you put yourself and a potential child through that?!

Starcup · 13/12/2021 11:18

@HollowTalk

Why the hell aren't people using contraception in a situation like this? It drives me absolutely crazy.

That would be too sensible…….

Original poster

prettyingold · 13/12/2021 13:43

Why the hell aren't people using contraception in a situation like this? It drives me absolutely crazy

Getting caught out is so common because sometimes things just lead to sex. And you've got nothing on you. And you just do it because that's where it's going and that's that for the time you're in

It isn't great but it is what it is unfortunately. That's human nature

OP posts:

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 14/12/2021 02:39

Why the hell aren't people using contraception in a situation like this? It drives me absolutely crazy

Where does the OP say that her friend didn't use contraception?

thenewduchessofhastings · 14/12/2021 03:02

Surely a 39 year old Korean man who's "traditional" would be married by now?

JSL52 · 14/12/2021 03:10

@gonnabeok

Tell her to definitely NOT put his name the birth certificate. If his name wasn't on the birth certificate and he took the child it would be child abduction. If she doesput his name on the birth certificate he automatically has P.R and could apply to the court for a child contact order.

She can't. He has to be present because they're not married.

Auntycorruption · 14/12/2021 20:10

[quote prettyingold]@IamGusFring I don't know because she doesn't know. She's saying around 5/6 weeks [/quote]
5-6 weeks!!!! Jeez ok I retract my earlier statements and I would 100% abort. No need to bring a child into the shit show.

IvoryViolets · 19/12/2021 14:05

I was told that if the baby has fathers surname (different from mother as not married, that her than married but she kept her surname) she needs written permission from father to take child abroad , airport authorities apparently ask for the permission letter! I was shocked when I was told this is an actual thing.

If it was a one off and she has no intention taking child to fathers home country or if they are planning of taking child to see the father I’d be wary of putting child with his surname and even naming the father on the birth certificate by doing so could open an entire can of legal worms that could end with the baby living with the father.
Depending on your friend she could even go so far as telling this man the pregnancy was not viable and then go no contact with him. This and not to name the father on the birth certificate are shocking I know but would protect tour friend and the baby

Nomoreusernames1244 · 19/12/2021 17:50

I was told that if the baby has fathers surname (different from mother as not married, that her than married but she kept her surname) she needs written permission from father to take child abroad , airport authorities apparently ask for the permission letter! I was shocked when I was told this is an actual thing

Nope.

Any parent travelling alone with a child may be asked for a permission letter from the non-travelling parent. You need permission from all parties with PR, it is nothing to do with who has what name.

I could be wrong in this point but I think written permission may only be for trips of more than a certain number of days.

After all abduction of children is more often carried out by fathers than mothers, same name or not. Do you think fathers don’t need permission from mum to take a child out of the country?

I have travelled extensively with my two, neither have my name. I have never been asked to produce a permission letter. Once customs asked my eldest who “this lady” was, she thought he was mad but said “my mum” and that was it.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 19/12/2021 17:51

This and not to name the father on the birth certificate are shocking I know but would protect tour friend and the baby

Once again, she can’t name him on the birth cert if they aren’t married and he isn’t physically present.

HoppingPavlova · 20/12/2021 08:16

I was told that if the baby has fathers surname (different from mother as not married, that her than married but she kept her surname) she needs written permission from father to take child abroad , airport authorities apparently ask for the permission letter! I was shocked when I was told this is an actual thing.

Huh? Our biological kids have neither DH nor my surname? When they were young I just took a copy of their birth certificates. Can’t even recall now if we were ever asked for them, but there was definitely never any issue with different names. Wasn’t exactly as though they were on a watch list though.

HoppingPavlova · 20/12/2021 08:19

Once customs asked my eldest who “this lady” was, she thought he was mad but said “my mum” and that was it.

Yes, I do recall one of my kids being asked once and I’m guessing he gave the answer with genuine confusion that they believed them. I’m guessing otherwise they were acting like kids more intent on mucking about and pissing off siblings than worrying about strangers abducting them.

iwanttobeonleave · 22/12/2021 16:57

@HoppingPavlova

I was told that if the baby has fathers surname (different from mother as not married, that her than married but she kept her surname) she needs written permission from father to take child abroad , airport authorities apparently ask for the permission letter! I was shocked when I was told this is an actual thing.

Huh? Our biological kids have neither DH nor my surname? When they were young I just took a copy of their birth certificates. Can’t even recall now if we were ever asked for them, but there was definitely never any issue with different names. Wasn’t exactly as though they were on a watch list though.

Yes we needed this to get into the USA. Nowhere else though.

Can a father really just take the baby if there's no agreement for him to have them both?

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