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Original poster

Can a father really just take the baby if there's no agreement for him to have them both?

249 replies

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 10:22

DFriend has got herself into a terribly sticky situation and she's in bits... she knows I'm posting but she's very depressed by it all

DFriend spent a few months in another country outside of the EU for work. She had a bit of a love interest and the sex was a one off.. there's often quite a lot of waiting around before DTD as it's just not the norm to date and then have sex straight away, from what she says. So they're both a bit shocked it all came to be from a one off

DFriend is back in the UK now and she's pregnant. She's terrified but knows she wants to keep the baby.

She let the father know and he was a bit disappointed since they are not married, and would be expected to be. But then he came around within minutes and says she should return to him so they can be married and have the baby in his country.

She says she does not want to do that, she's staying here. He has told her that if she won't come back then he can have it arranged so that he keeps the baby and has sole custody. He claims he thinks this would be the case even if she gives birth in the UK

Thing is he didn't sound threatening, from what I heard. And things are worded differently when you're from other cultures so I don't think he's abusive.

She does say if he was in the UK she'd have liked to maybe have a relationship with him because he's very kind and polite, very trustworthy. Likes his culture. But she doesn't want to live outside of the UK

But, can he really do that? Obviously she will have to research this properly and get proper legal advice but is it really possible, anywhere?

I've said I'm pretty sure the UK would protect her and not allow this. I hope I'm right

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 12/12/2021 12:15

Personally I’d just change my email and all my social media accounts and that would fix the problemHmm. If she has the baby in the UK no issue. Under no circumstance can she have the baby in Korea. Ditch the dad.

NameChange8283 · 12/12/2021 12:16

The baby is just as much his as it is hers. It's ridiculous to keep the baby from growing up with both parents on the grounds that it's not where the mother came from. People move countries all the time and with all the tecnology nowadays it's not like she'd lose contact with her family or have to lose her support network. Unless there's more information to this like the OP's friend is on benefits and can't get a job?

Imagine if the father kept the baby in his country, would you lot be supporting him the same?

Auntycorruption · 12/12/2021 12:16

@NotDavidTennant

Some awful advice here.

13 year old: "Why have I never met my father?"

Mother: "Oh, when I was pregnant with you I told him I miscarried so that he would think you were dead and wouldn't try to see you. Would you like chips with your tea tonight, love?"

I'd go with "Because he lives in a different country very far away and where he has the right to keep you away from me. I have kept you safe with me because that's what's best for you. When you are an adult you can meet him"

Interested in this thread?

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Auntycorruption · 12/12/2021 12:18

@NameChange8283

The baby is just as much his as it is hers. It's ridiculous to keep the baby from growing up with both parents on the grounds that it's not where the mother came from. People move countries all the time and with all the tecnology nowadays it's not like she'd lose contact with her family or have to lose her support network. Unless there's more information to this like the OP's friend is on benefits and can't get a job?

Imagine if the father kept the baby in his country, would you lot be supporting him the same?

No it's not. Mothers choices trump fathers in most cases. Babies need their mothers more than their fathers, simple biology.
needmoreshinys · 12/12/2021 12:21

@NameChange8283

The baby is just as much his as it is hers. It's ridiculous to keep the baby from growing up with both parents on the grounds that it's not where the mother came from. People move countries all the time and with all the tecnology nowadays it's not like she'd lose contact with her family or have to lose her support network. Unless there's more information to this like the OP's friend is on benefits and can't get a job?

Imagine if the father kept the baby in his country, would you lot be supporting him the same?

Are you serious?
needmoreshinys · 12/12/2021 12:22

@Auntycorruption

And then the father says the reason why I didn't know about you is because your mother told me she had miscarried, how do you think that is going to play out?

LostForIdeas · 12/12/2021 12:23

1- she needs to get legal advice
2- she should NOT go back to that country until she has ANY clarity and even then, she might well be better but doing it at all.
3- if the baby is born in the U.K., their habitual residence will be the U.K. As I understand, this will make it extremely hard for the father to take the baby away with him, back to his country.

4- she shouldn’t rely on MN or any other SM to ‘know’ where she stands. Not should she believe what he says, or what others tell her tbh. Legal advice all the way and then her decision should be based on that and that alone.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 12/12/2021 12:23

No it's not. Mothers choices trump fathers in most cases. Babies need their mothers more than their fathers, simple biology

Babies. But when the child is growing up it is important they know their father.

The child will look in the mirror and work out that their dad isn’t british. Knowing about their heritage and that part of their culture will be important to them.

I would try and work it out if possible. It does sound like he will be shamed for doing the wrong the wrong thing, including treating the mother badly.

Keep communication open. Suggest he comes to the uk for the first couple of years to build a relationship, and go from there.

LostForIdeas · 12/12/2021 12:24

Btw an answer like @NameChange8283 is exactly what she should NOT be listening to.

RevolvingPivot · 12/12/2021 12:24

@TraceyLacey

I wouldn't have the baby in this situation. I'd spend the rest of my life terrified and looking over my shoulder.
Exactly. Having a termination can't be easy however what kind of life would this be.

You would be terrified for years.

What do you tell the child about their dad?

What if it needs a kidney etc?

The man will have a kid he knows nothing about. Even if he (they) could have avoided it and isn't a nice man no one deserves that.

NdujaWannaDance · 12/12/2021 12:24

If that’s what he meant he’d have said that - what he’d said to her is that he can take the baby away even if it’s born in the UK

It’s a threat, not an offer of protection.

Is it? Can we be sure? The OP hasn't said explicitly that it's a threat. She said this:

[he] says she should return to him so they can be married and have the baby in his country.

She says she does not want to do that, she's staying here. He has told her that if she won't come back then he can have it arranged so that he keeps the baby and has sole custody. He claims he thinks this would be the case even if she gives birth in the UK

That can be read two ways. Either he means he's offering to arrange it for her and it should be possible even if she gives birth outside Korea,

OR

He can 'arrange' it in a Korean Phil Mitchell 'Don't mess with me, I know people who can make your life hell' kind of way.

Which is it, OP?

LemonTT · 12/12/2021 12:25

No British court is going to agree that a child can be taken from a competent mother and given to a father who lives overseas. Ffs they are reticent to take them off incompetent mothers. It doesn’t matter how much money he has.

She just needs to not give him any grounds for questioning her parenting. That would provide evidence that she doesn’t put the child’s needs first. Like lying about a miscarriage to keep the father out the child’s life.

Only an idiot with zero sense of self protection would move to SK in the middle of a pandemic to have a baby with a man she barely knows.

All she has to do is tell him she wants to be a single mother and that she will have the baby in the UK. She will be open to his involvement on that basis once he has demonstrated he can coparent and be respect her wishes. Then allow him to show what kind of man he is.

Negligee · 12/12/2021 12:25

@Allsorts1

She’s so so young, it does seem like a strange situation to proceed with a pregnancy. But that’s her choice.
Yes, this is the oddest part of this whole situation for me — she’s very young, she had a brief fling overseas and had sex once with a man she can barely communicate with, who is now issue commands/making threats that alarm her, and is unlikely to pay child support. Why is she so desperate to continue with the pregnancy?

Although the other thought that occurs to me is that it sounds pretty unlikely to me that her work sent her to Korea in the middle of a pandemic. Is she telling the truth about this?

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/12/2021 12:25

I’d terminate in this situation. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.

LostForIdeas · 12/12/2021 12:26

@NameChange8283

The baby is just as much his as it is hers. It's ridiculous to keep the baby from growing up with both parents on the grounds that it's not where the mother came from. People move countries all the time and with all the tecnology nowadays it's not like she'd lose contact with her family or have to lose her support network. Unless there's more information to this like the OP's friend is on benefits and can't get a job?

Imagine if the father kept the baby in his country, would you lot be supporting him the same?

On thé other side, a baby needs his mother too.

The OP is bound to go and live in a different country with a guy she hardly knows just because a baby needs it’s father.
Doug so is mor W likely to end up in separating and the OP having to leave said country, leaving the baby with his dad and wo a mother.

I would never take that risk personally.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 12/12/2021 12:27

I’d be very worried about this. She sounds a bit naive about him and his culture. She needs legal advice but also needs to know what she is dealing with. Is it possible he would take any kind of action? Would he make her life difficult? Is there a possible abduction in the future?

If this is a serious, serious point for him. Then any contact he would have with the children, in the UK or anywhere would be potentially dangerous. She needs to disengage with the polite image she has of him. He’s threatened to effectively abduct her unborn child and not let her be a mother. That is VERY serious.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 12/12/2021 12:28

@NameChange8283 with respect you sound incredibly naive.

This is not a man saying he will support her, that he would like to be a father.

This is a man who immediately said that he would take the baby from her and deny the children their mother for their whole lives.

Gargellen · 12/12/2021 12:28

Surely all she has to do is not put his name on the BC and he then has no rights of any sort.

LemonTT · 12/12/2021 12:29

Just to add even if he doesn’t know her address he will have enough information to find it if he wants to.

Playing daft games if she genuinely feels threatened is a bad idea.

NdujaWannaDance · 12/12/2021 12:33

she’s very young, she had a brief fling overseas and had sex once with a man she can barely communicate with, who is now issue commands/making threats that alarm her, and is unlikely to pay child support. Why is she so desperate to continue with the pregnancy?

Loads of young women seem desperate to continue pregnancies with thoroughly unsuitable men, in thoroughly unsuitable circumstances all the bloody time. It's an absolute mystery to me why they do it, but they do.

If this girl is bright enough to have the sort of job where her company sends her to Korea and put her up there for several weeks or months, then you'd hope she'd have her head screwed on a bit more than that, but obvously not. In spite of 'being terrified' she's going to do it anyway. Confused

Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 12:34

@NdujaWannaDance

she’s very young, she had a brief fling overseas and had sex once with a man she can barely communicate with, who is now issue commands/making threats that alarm her, and is unlikely to pay child support. Why is she so desperate to continue with the pregnancy?

Loads of young women seem desperate to continue pregnancies with thoroughly unsuitable men, in thoroughly unsuitable circumstances all the bloody time. It's an absolute mystery to me why they do it, but they do.

If this girl is bright enough to have the sort of job where her company sends her to Korea and put her up there for several weeks or months, then you'd hope she'd have her head screwed on a bit more than that, but obvously not. In spite of 'being terrified' she's going to do it anyway. Confused

She had a miscarriage with a long term boyfriend 18 months ago. I think that's why

OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 12/12/2021 12:36

Does this guy know her job? The company she works for? How long has she known him?

NameChange8283 · 12/12/2021 12:36

CherryBlossomAutumn Sun 12-Dec-21 12:28:45
@NameChange8283 with respect you sound incredibly naive.

This is not a man saying he will support her, that he would like to be a father.

This is a man who immediately said that he would take the baby from her and deny the children their mother for their whole lives.

The father initially wanted her to be in the UK to give birth so they could be a family. The father threatened to get sole custody probably because she has said she's keeping the baby in her own country? She's keeping the baby from him and all the father has done is threaten to do the same. They're just as bad as each other

Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 12:36

Ditch the dad

Seems a bit sad Sad without us (including me), knowing all facts

OP posts:
NdujaWannaDance · 12/12/2021 12:37

So how many weeks PG is she?