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Original poster

Can a father really just take the baby if there's no agreement for him to have them both?

249 replies

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 10:22

DFriend has got herself into a terribly sticky situation and she's in bits... she knows I'm posting but she's very depressed by it all

DFriend spent a few months in another country outside of the EU for work. She had a bit of a love interest and the sex was a one off.. there's often quite a lot of waiting around before DTD as it's just not the norm to date and then have sex straight away, from what she says. So they're both a bit shocked it all came to be from a one off

DFriend is back in the UK now and she's pregnant. She's terrified but knows she wants to keep the baby.

She let the father know and he was a bit disappointed since they are not married, and would be expected to be. But then he came around within minutes and says she should return to him so they can be married and have the baby in his country.

She says she does not want to do that, she's staying here. He has told her that if she won't come back then he can have it arranged so that he keeps the baby and has sole custody. He claims he thinks this would be the case even if she gives birth in the UK

Thing is he didn't sound threatening, from what I heard. And things are worded differently when you're from other cultures so I don't think he's abusive.

She does say if he was in the UK she'd have liked to maybe have a relationship with him because he's very kind and polite, very trustworthy. Likes his culture. But she doesn't want to live outside of the UK

But, can he really do that? Obviously she will have to research this properly and get proper legal advice but is it really possible, anywhere?

I've said I'm pretty sure the UK would protect her and not allow this. I hope I'm right

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 12/12/2021 12:38

@LemonTT

Just to add even if he doesn’t know her address he will have enough information to find it if he wants to.

Playing daft games if she genuinely feels threatened is a bad idea.

Not really I know of three people with the same first/maiden name as me in my area one has the exact middle name as me and one was born the same year there is also someone with the same MARRIED name as me all living in the same town as me one used to live on my road and another used to work at the same place as me

So no not easy to trace at all

WonderfulYou · 12/12/2021 12:38

The baby is just as much his as it is hers. It's ridiculous to keep the baby from growing up with both parents on the grounds that it's not where the mother came from.

I agree but you aren’t allowed to say that on here.

My DD doesn’t have a relationship with her dad or his family and it’s awful for her. She has an entire side of her missing and it’s something she hates. She is also mixed race, like this child will be, so an absent family has an even bigger impact on her.
It sounds like the friends feelings are trumping what’s best for the baby.

The baby’s best interests aside. This country has become a lot better but there is still a big stigma around single parents. Is your friend happy to deal with that. What will she say when people ask her about the dad? How will she manage financially? Or juggle working and childcare? What’s going to happen with the child gets older and wants to know their dad?

Being a single parent can be done but it’s difficult and I think your friend needs to seriously consider her options as once she has made her decision (like telling him she’s had a miscarriage) she can’t ever go back on it.

Original poster

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 12:40

@NdujaWannaDance

If that’s what he meant he’d have said that - what he’d said to her is that he can take the baby away even if it’s born in the UK

It’s a threat, not an offer of protection.

Is it? Can we be sure? The OP hasn't said explicitly that it's a threat. She said this:

[he] says she should return to him so they can be married and have the baby in his country.

That can be read two ways. Either he means he's offering to arrange it for her and it should be possible even if she gives birth outside Korea,

He can 'arrange' it in a Korean Phil Mitchell 'Don't mess with me, I know people who can make your life hell' kind of way.

Which is it, OP?

As I said previously, his expressive use of English isn't great but he didn't sound threatening from what he said. He did sound concerned and worried though

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/12/2021 12:40

Ok it seems sad to ditch dad but this isn’t Prince Charming this is the child catcher we’re talking about.

CharlotteRose90 · 12/12/2021 12:42

Don’t blame him on the birth certificate and delete his number. Only way to do it. Have to say but I’d say i had a miscarriage too.

Original poster

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 12:43

@RevolvingPivot

Does this guy know her job? The company she works for? How long has she known him?

Yes. He would know the company she works for because she (temporary) worked in the same building!

But I doubt the company are going to be offering up info about their international staff

OP posts:

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 12/12/2021 12:43

No decent df would imply he is taking a baby away from it's mother. Ever.

BlackSwan · 12/12/2021 12:44

Honestly - why even have the baby?

Original poster

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 12:46

@BlackSwan Her body, her choice. I wouldn't keep the baby in that situation and I wouldn't have even mentioned it to him. I'd have just terminated quickly

But it isn't my choice or my feelings. She really wants his baby so that's that

OP posts:

Nomoreusernames1244 · 12/12/2021 12:47

No decent df would imply he is taking a baby away from it's mother. Ever

O/p has explained english isn’t his first language and df admits something may have been lost in translation, and it even could have been an offer for him to take the child if she didn’t want to raise it, rather than a threat to remove it.

Original poster

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 12:47

She has said to me now she did think things might be a bit more pink and fluffy when she told him (in those words thereabouts). She was expecting a different outcome but she just doesn't know what that outcome was

OP posts:

viques · 12/12/2021 12:48

How many times does it have to be repeated?

If you are not married to the father of your UK born child then his name can only be put on the birth certificate if he is present at the registration and agrees to it.

GrandmasCat · 12/12/2021 12:50

If they are amicable, he is the named dad and there is no residence court order / court process ongoing about the arrangements for the care of the kid, he can borrow his baby for a couple of hours, head to his country if the kid has a passport and once there, there is pretty much nothing she can do to bring the kid back.

I suggest that she contacts reunite.org for advice on how to avoid the issue before the baby is born. She also needs to be aware that if he is named in the birth certificate he can easily obtain a passport for the kid from his own country without mum knowing.

MauveMavis · 12/12/2021 12:50

I've got a friend stuck in a very unhappy marriage as she and her husband moved to his home country for employment opportunities when their children were small.

She will never legally get permission to bring their two children back to the UK (which is her "home").

She doesn't have the financial resources to set up a separate household in his home country so the marriage limps on. God knows what effect living with warring parents is having on the children.

If the family hadn't moved to her husbands home country things would be SO different. She could have left him and set up a separate household in the UK.

I have another set of friends. Still outwardly happily married, now teenage children. Wife has residency and family connections to a successful asian financial hub. Husband is a banker. I asked once when the kids were still in primary why they didn't go and live in her home country for a bit as it would be easy for him to get employment there and she could work too. It would have been a bit of an adventure.

Her answer - DH has seen one of his colleagues really suffer after such a temporary move - which allowed his kids to become domiciled in their Mums's home country. He wasn't allowed to bring them back to the UK when the relationship soured so only sees his children now for a few weeks a year. Admittedly this is a pretty cautious approach but I think reflective of their natures.

I'm not sure the average punter knows the implications of moving their children abroad tbh.

NameChange8283 · 12/12/2021 12:50

Morally and legally you have to put your child first, and it honesly makes me angry mothers are abusing the system

No you don't have to put the fathers name on the certificate, but I always thought that was only for situations where, for example, the mother has lost all contact with the father with no way to get it back or the father is dangerous

I'd understand if the father was abusive but it sounds like he wants the child to grow up with their culture and family

NynaeveSedai · 12/12/2021 12:50

@prettyingold

So it would probably be too risky then for her to ever visit with her DC?

He doesn't know where she lives. She said she lived in a place near London (we are SE), but that's it. Not on purpose, just because it was easier for him to understand that way

She absolutely should not ever take the child there He can come over here if he wants to see the child as there is no chance he could get the passport and abduct the child from the U.K.

NdujaWannaDance · 12/12/2021 12:52

As I said previously, his expressive use of English isn't great but he didn't sound threatening from what he said. He did sound concerned and worried though

I didn't realise you were actually there when he said all this. I assumed you meant you overheard him during a different later conversation. Frankly, what on earth is your friend doing putting him on speakerphone while she's telling him she's pregnant, with you in the room?

That sounds like a silly little girl playing games. She's out of her depth and should probably just terminate. She doesn't sound mature enough to be doing any of this. Not that that ever stopped anyone before.

Either that or there is no 'friend' and it's you.

Loki01 · 12/12/2021 12:53

@LowlyTheWorm

She should just lie and say she miscarried. And then change her social media to be unrecognisable and block him.

Thats exactly what I would do. If you threaten me by taking my child, I will do everything in my power to avoid that.

ConsuelaHammock · 12/12/2021 12:53

I would be advising my friend to terminate in these circumstances. Preventing a father from ever seeing or being with his child is just wrong.

Starcup · 12/12/2021 12:55

@LowlyTheWorm

She should just lie and say she miscarried. And then change her social media to be unrecognisable and block him.

This!

NdujaWannaDance · 12/12/2021 12:55

I'll try asking a third time because I'm getting the impression you are avoiding answering.

How many weeks PG is she?

ConsuelaHammock · 12/12/2021 12:56

Is it any wonder some children are totally fucked up when they enter the world with backstories like this? No child deserves to be born into this soap opera.

Original poster

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 12:56

@NdujaWannaDance I don't know, early she thinks as it couldn't be possibly be over 5/6 weeks

OP posts:

Starcup · 12/12/2021 12:56

@ConsuelaHammock

Is it any wonder some children are totally fucked up when they enter the world with backstories like this? No child deserves to be born into this soap opera.

Totally agree with this. It’s is like a soap operah!! Poor kid

happinessischocolate · 12/12/2021 12:58

@ConsuelaHammock

I would be advising my friend to terminate in these circumstances. Preventing a father from ever seeing or being with his child is just wrong.

I think any child would rather be born and grow up with its father than not be born at all.

I would tell him I'd terminated or miscarried and then post on social media for the next 9 months as if I didn't have the child.

Sound like either way the child will either grow up without its dad or if dad gets his way, without a it's mum.

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