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Original poster

Can a father really just take the baby if there's no agreement for him to have them both?

249 replies

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 10:22

DFriend has got herself into a terribly sticky situation and she's in bits... she knows I'm posting but she's very depressed by it all

DFriend spent a few months in another country outside of the EU for work. She had a bit of a love interest and the sex was a one off.. there's often quite a lot of waiting around before DTD as it's just not the norm to date and then have sex straight away, from what she says. So they're both a bit shocked it all came to be from a one off

DFriend is back in the UK now and she's pregnant. She's terrified but knows she wants to keep the baby.

She let the father know and he was a bit disappointed since they are not married, and would be expected to be. But then he came around within minutes and says she should return to him so they can be married and have the baby in his country.

She says she does not want to do that, she's staying here. He has told her that if she won't come back then he can have it arranged so that he keeps the baby and has sole custody. He claims he thinks this would be the case even if she gives birth in the UK

Thing is he didn't sound threatening, from what I heard. And things are worded differently when you're from other cultures so I don't think he's abusive.

She does say if he was in the UK she'd have liked to maybe have a relationship with him because he's very kind and polite, very trustworthy. Likes his culture. But she doesn't want to live outside of the UK

But, can he really do that? Obviously she will have to research this properly and get proper legal advice but is it really possible, anywhere?

I've said I'm pretty sure the UK would protect her and not allow this. I hope I'm right

OP posts:

Original poster

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 11:44

I honestly don't know. It's very clear from snippets I've heard on loud speaker that he doesn't have the means to be very expressive through English but his tone sounded quite pleading and concerned

It didn't sound like a 'threat' but I know it is from the words alone

OP posts:

FreeBritnee · 12/12/2021 11:45

My concern would be the child being snatched and taken to the fathers country. I’d be very careful about your friends social media presence.

WonderfulYou · 12/12/2021 11:47

But then he came around within minutes

Not sure why this is relevant.

I do feel sorry for him. Imagine having a baby that you can’t see.
However, he has no rights to raise the child without her. Just like she doesn’t either.

I personally would have a termination in this situation and say I had a miscarriage.

Else she’s either going to have a baby without the dads knowledge, which is unfair to him and the baby and incredibly hard for her.
Or she’s going to have to let him have parental rights which carries the risk of him taking the baby back to his home country.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law

UniversalAunt · 12/12/2021 11:49

He will only experience the shame & social opprobrium he mentions if he goes round telling people. That is him problem alone & she should not be swayed by his unease.

In this instance, your friend has an opportunity to dodge a bullet (& life long wound) by disconnecting herself from this man & a massive number of unknowns.

She knows next to nothing about him. Why after a brief interlude would she legally tie herself to him?

Already he is making unsubstantiated claims upon her & she is not yet well enough informed to stand her ground. If she drifts as he steers, she could find herself in a very difficult situation.

If she must keep the baby, she needs to be prepared to go it alone (as such) in this country. Also, not take the baby to his country where the laws are different & as important, the local culture supports the principles of him & his family acting first, explain later.

As others have said, as soon as possible get baby’s documentation in place so that isn’t an inch of doubt about who takes baby out of the country.

Too many women in this country have been caught up in parental abduction overseas & the legal battles to have claim, let alone see their own children is heartbreaking.

coronabeer · 12/12/2021 11:51

From what I understand, being a single mother is very taboo in Korea and there's a lot of stigma attached. Sounds like your friend's bf is trying to do what he sees as the honourable thing. Maybe your friend would be better trying to explain to him that it's not like that in the UK, not any more.

IamGusFring · 12/12/2021 11:52

If she has no interest in him and wishes no further contact then I would either terminate or lie and tell him I had a miscarriage . I would not put the father's name on the birth certificate but she will have to explain all of this in the future to her child . Women's rights are often not well regarded by other cultures .

ChiefStockingStuffer · 12/12/2021 11:52

She needs to stay in the UK and have the baby here. Recommend he not go on the birth certificate if they're not together and he's in a different country.

BoredZelda · 12/12/2021 11:53

It matters because of the legal aspect, and to some degree the cultural one

It doesn’t. If she has the baby here, and lives here, he can’t just show up and take the baby no matter where he is from.

And his culture has no bearing on her choice to stay here and have the baby.

BoredZelda · 12/12/2021 11:54

Else she’s either going to have a baby without the dads knowledge, which is unfair to him

Him not taking precautions to prevent pregnancy is not her concern.

BoredZelda · 12/12/2021 11:56

I do feel sorry for him. Imagine having a baby that you can’t see.

If only there was a really easy way to prevent that.

NotDavidTennant · 12/12/2021 12:01

Some awful advice here.

13 year old: "Why have I never met my father?"

Mother: "Oh, when I was pregnant with you I told him I miscarried so that he would think you were dead and wouldn't try to see you. Would you like chips with your tea tonight, love?"

lockdownalli · 12/12/2021 12:01

She absolutely should not go back to Korea, and certainly not with the baby.

At 25 I would probably be thinking about a termination (assuming no underlying fertility issues) but if she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy, I agree I would tell him I had miscarried then block on everything.

NdujaWannaDance · 12/12/2021 12:02

Even if he turns out to be thoroughly decent with no intention of abducting the child or trying to drag the mother through the courts, does a 25 year old really need this kind of hassle in her life?

It's hard enough trying to make sure a child maintains a meaningful relationship with the NRP when they live four hours up the motorway, not 14 hours flight away across several time zones, with a language and culture barrier. Even phone calls for a young child will be a nightmare to arrange and facilitate.

Does she really want to spend the next fifteen years taking turns to fly back and forth to Korea in the school holidays in order that her child can see its father more than once a year? Because anything less will be completely meaningless and confusing for the child.

Plus he doesn't speak much English and this child being brought up in the UK by a British mother with no other Korean friends or family around is not going to get much chance to learn Korean, so they won't even be able to communicate unless they see one another very regularly. It's all a bit of a chore, isn't it? It's not like they've had a LTR and they broke up way after the child was born.

If you are going to let yourself end up as a young single mother there are easier ways to do it than this.

Terfydactyl · 12/12/2021 12:03

@prettyingold

I've done a bit of digging myself and it does seem that child support (not paying it), is currently not a criminal offence in South Korea

Does she want child support from him?

THisbackwithavengeance · 12/12/2021 12:03

Obviously no court in the world is going to award full custody of a baby to a father where the mother is competent, the parents were unmarried and the baby was conceived during what was essentially a one night stand. I wouldn't even put him on the birth certificate personally.

If she decides to keep him in the loop, he could of course be a wonderfully supportive dad albeit in a foreign country/he could turn out to be a top bloke and they could end up together in a relationship in the UK (best case scenario) or he could make a fucking nuisance of himself, threatening this and that and perhaps eventually winning some sort of partial custody (worse case scenario).

Problem here is that your friend doesn't know this guy well and has no idea what kind of dad or person he is. The child will be half Korean and hence it will be very difficult to cut off the dad without repercussions and difficult questions when the child is older.

There are no easy answers here. At that age, I'd've aborted personally but realise that isn't for everyone.

IamGusFring · 12/12/2021 12:03

@NotDavidTennant

Some awful advice here.

13 year old: "Why have I never met my father?"

Mother: "Oh, when I was pregnant with you I told him I miscarried so that he would think you were dead and wouldn't try to see you. Would you like chips with your tea tonight, love?"

How about the truth ? He threatened to take you and have sole custody in a foreign country ?

SnottyLottie · 12/12/2021 12:06

I may be way off but to me it sounds like he’s offering her the chance of marriage and to take the child away, in case it brings shame upon her. He’s putting it out there as it’s the ‘honourable’ thing to do in his culture (perhaps he doesn’t understand that being an unmarried mother in the UK isn’t anything to be embarrassed about any more). Maybe a little more communication between the two to find out how present he wants to be in the child’s life with the understanding that the baby will not be living in Korea. It’s best to try and be amicable before she cuts him out of their lives for good.

Butchyrestingface · 12/12/2021 12:07

@LowlyTheWorm

She should just lie and say she miscarried. And then change her social media to be unrecognisable and block him.

That would be me, I'm afraid.

Lock down social media, remove my contact details were not publicly available.

BorsetshireBanality · 12/12/2021 12:08

I know there is a huge stigma about illegitimate children in SK. State support for single mothers is poor and children end up in orphanages because of this. Adoption is also rare.

Don't know anything about the legal ramifications of her situation though.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/12/2021 12:08

She doesn’t need to worry about him taking the baby, but as he is clearly a controlling misogynistic horror, she needs to cut all contact now.

She’s British and the baby will be too. Get some proper legal advice, but as long as she doesn’t put his name on the birth certificate, he has no automatic parental rights as far as I understand it. Fathers can apply to be added to the birth certificate, but it seems very unlikely he would get his shit together to do that.

Generally fathers should of course have access, but as soon as someone makes threats like this, the safety of the baby has to take priority.

When your friend sees a lawyer she should also record the threats he has made. Either verbally or provide the written evidence if she has it.

If I were you I’d be encouraging her to look firmly to the future, and I’d try and focus her mind on how she is going to afford to raise the baby alone - plenty to think about there.

NdujaWannaDance · 12/12/2021 12:10

how many weeks PG is she now?

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/12/2021 12:10

@SnottyLottie

If that’s what he meant he’d have said that - what he’d said to her is that he can take the baby away even if it’s born in the UK

It’s a threat, not an offer of protection.

MintJulia · 12/12/2021 12:10

What is traditional in his country is completely irrelevant. She is British, single and in the UK. She should have the baby here. If the child is raised here, this will be its country of domicile. Once the baby is born she needs a prohibited steps order to prevent it being taken out of the UK without her permission.

Neither she, nor the child should go to the father's country again, until the child is an adult because laws there may be very different.

How she can think positively about a person who has already threatened to take away her unborn child, is beyond me. She needs to be very cautious. This is not a decent man.

Auntycorruption · 12/12/2021 12:12

@prettyingold

I've done a bit of digging myself and it does seem that child support (not paying it), is currently not a criminal offence in South Korea

Not if the baby doesn't exist / has no legal ties to you.

She should tell the dad she has miscarried and cut all communication with him. Change any contact details he has for her.

Then decide if she wants to have the baby as a single parent or not. At 25 i recommend not!

Allsorts1 · 12/12/2021 12:12

She’s so so young, it does seem like a strange situation to proceed with a pregnancy. But that’s her choice.

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