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Original poster

Can a father really just take the baby if there's no agreement for him to have them both?

249 replies

prettyingold · 12/12/2021 10:22

DFriend has got herself into a terribly sticky situation and she's in bits... she knows I'm posting but she's very depressed by it all

DFriend spent a few months in another country outside of the EU for work. She had a bit of a love interest and the sex was a one off.. there's often quite a lot of waiting around before DTD as it's just not the norm to date and then have sex straight away, from what she says. So they're both a bit shocked it all came to be from a one off

DFriend is back in the UK now and she's pregnant. She's terrified but knows she wants to keep the baby.

She let the father know and he was a bit disappointed since they are not married, and would be expected to be. But then he came around within minutes and says she should return to him so they can be married and have the baby in his country.

She says she does not want to do that, she's staying here. He has told her that if she won't come back then he can have it arranged so that he keeps the baby and has sole custody. He claims he thinks this would be the case even if she gives birth in the UK

Thing is he didn't sound threatening, from what I heard. And things are worded differently when you're from other cultures so I don't think he's abusive.

She does say if he was in the UK she'd have liked to maybe have a relationship with him because he's very kind and polite, very trustworthy. Likes his culture. But she doesn't want to live outside of the UK

But, can he really do that? Obviously she will have to research this properly and get proper legal advice but is it really possible, anywhere?

I've said I'm pretty sure the UK would protect her and not allow this. I hope I'm right

OP posts:
Mamamamasaurus · 12/12/2021 10:51

@prettyingold

From what I can gather from friend, a father abandoning his child and the mother is seen as very shameful in his country and people will be very clear about that to him
Boo fucking hoo. Maybe he should've wrapped his tackle before having sex eh. He doesn't sound like a nice bloke if he's basically telling DF that he'll take away her baby back to his home country.

Agree with PP - block, don't give him any information regarding address etc - he literally (based on your updates) has zero information beyond your friends phone number, how on earth would he track her down?

She needs to stay the fuck away from him and definitely his home country - PP are absolutely correct in that he has way more rights if she visits there with the baby.

I'm not sure how much it changes legally but make sure she gives baby her surname, he can't be added to the BC anyway as they're unmarried and he won't be present.

A small part of me does feel sad that she'll raise this baby and they will potentially have no contact with their father - arsehole or not. Not my circus, just my opinion.

ErrolTheDragon · 12/12/2021 10:52

@prettyingold

From what I can gather from friend, a father abandoning his child and the mother is seen as very shameful in his country and people will be very clear about that to him
So is his reaction in large part merely to protect his own reputation?
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/12/2021 10:54

If he is that bothered about being a father to the baby, he should look to rent somewhere in London so he can facilitate some sort of regular visitation.

Why would your friend move countries at a time she is most vulnerable, to help a man who she barely knows, who has threatened to remove the baby from her?

If she does that, she is a fucking idiot.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law
Larryyourwaiter · 12/12/2021 10:58

Has he actually got the money to take her through a British court from abroad. I can’t imagine that is a cheap option.
Fathers do have rights, but they don’t have the right to threaten to take someone’s child away.

If she doesn’t want fo say she had a miscarriage, still block him on SM, set up an email as communication and that’s it. Never tell him where she lives.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/12/2021 11:01

Fathers do have rights

British courts are concerned with the rights of the child.

Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 11:02

DFriend seems to genuinely believe he is very lovely and respectful though, but he sounded panicked when he said he could have the baby with him. English is very much his second language so it's hard to tell how 'direct' he's being from over the phone

It's hard to tell what a culture is genuinely like from Google alone, but DFriend says she's surprised he's mentioned marriage anyway because he's the oldest son and he'd usually be expected to marry someone from his country specifically to carry on tradition. So maybe that's a red flag on its own

OP posts:
NdujaWannaDance · 12/12/2021 11:03

For God's sake why on earth don't you just say what country it is instead of all this ridiculous hinting about the 'culture' and what is and isn't acceptable there?

What possible difference can it make if a bunch of strangers on the internet find out that some random man in India/Thailand/Armenia/Nigeria/Fiji or wherever has fathered a child with some random woman in the UK?

It might actually help to know where he's from because people with actual experience of co-parenting with people from that country might have more accurate advice of what she can expect.

Although quite honestly, if she's no intention of going back there to be with him then I don't understand why she bothered to tell him about the pregnancy at all. If she wants to do it all alone then it will have been far easier and less complicated to just get on with it quietly.

TraceyLacey · 12/12/2021 11:03

I wouldn't have the baby in this situation. I'd spend the rest of my life terrified and looking over my shoulder.

Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 11:05

DFriend is also saying now that she feels very sad for him as she thinks he'd make a lovely dad, and he's very sweet and caring

It is a respectful culture... Men are expected to be stepping up and support their children. It's also shameful to leave your parents in old age, etc etc

Although he isn't poor by any means so I think legal advice is a definite because what if he can pay top dollar to get the baby off the British courts?

OP posts:
Mamamamasaurus · 12/12/2021 11:05

@TraceyLacey

I wouldn't have the baby in this situation. I'd spend the rest of my life terrified and looking over my shoulder.
Absolutely. I didn't say this in my post because I don't tend to sway towards either 'keep the baby' or 'don't keep the baby' but if I was in this situation I absolutely wouldn't be keeping the baby.
Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 11:06

@NdujaWannaDance

For God's sake why on earth don't you just say what country it is instead of all this ridiculous hinting about the 'culture' and what is and isn't acceptable there?

What possible difference can it make if a bunch of strangers on the internet find out that some random man in India/Thailand/Armenia/Nigeria/Fiji or wherever has fathered a child with some random woman in the UK?

It might actually help to know where he's from because people with actual experience of co-parenting with people from that country might have more accurate advice of what she can expect.

Although quite honestly, if she's no intention of going back there to be with him then I don't understand why she bothered to tell him about the pregnancy at all. If she wants to do it all alone then it will have been far easier and less complicated to just get on with it quietly.

Sorry, didn't want to say straight away Blush have been told I can say though

Baby's dad is Korean

OP posts:
NandorTheRelentless · 12/12/2021 11:06

For God's sake why on earth don't you just say what country it is instead of all this ridiculous hinting about the 'culture' and what is and isn't acceptable there?

Agreed, there may be agreements on child custody etc

Viviennemary · 12/12/2021 11:07

No he is not a nice person if he threatens to take her baby. She should not marry him or move to his country. Id say the child is at risk of being kidnapped by him. How worrying.

NandorTheRelentless · 12/12/2021 11:08

Cross posted!

How old is she? Apologies if already stated
I personally wouldn't have the baby either

Chamomileteaplease · 12/12/2021 11:08

I wouldn't have the baby in this situation. I'd spend the rest of my life terrified and looking over my shoulder.

I agree with this poster.

Unless this is your friend's last chance to ever have a baby and she really wants a baby then I would advise against having this man as the father and would wait until I got pregnant on purpose with a decent man.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 12/12/2021 11:09

But he is telling your friend he is more important than her. And he has ideas about raising a baby without it's dm around. What is nice about that?
Tell him she had an abortion /mc. Get him out of her life. For the safety of her baby.. He isn't nice or trustworthy.
Really he isn't.

Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 11:09

@NandorTheRelentless She's 25. Baby's dad is 39 (but looks about 25 himself from his pictures!)

OP posts:
Peanutmnm · 12/12/2021 11:10

Is South Korea a signatory to the Hague Agreement?

flowery · 12/12/2021 11:11

”Men are expected to be stepping up and support their children.”

Nothing stopping him stepping up and supporting his child who lives in another country. Plenty of fathers do that.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 12/12/2021 11:12

He isn't kind at all. He's threatened to take her baby away because she won't do as he says. He's a piece of shit and she's a complete fool if she goes back to him now.

I agree with the PP who said she should tell him she's lost the baby and then block him on all social media. Ghost him.

Peanutmnm · 12/12/2021 11:13
  1. Do not go to South Korea to have the baby under any circumstances
  2. I personally wouldn't risk bringing the child there either, abduction is a risk
DamnUserName21 · 12/12/2021 11:15

He would have no rights until paternity was established (in the UK) and that would require him to be placed on the birth certificate (which he would have to be present for as they are not married) or via court in the UK.
The baby will be born and resident in the UK.
The laws of the other country aren't relevant if paternity is not established and if the baby is domiciled in the UK.
She should not go visit this man during pregnancy nor after.

Maxiedog123 · 12/12/2021 11:17

@Peanutmnm

Is South Korea a signatory to the Hague Agreement?
Yes
Original poster
prettyingold · 12/12/2021 11:18

Hmm I'd be concerned that he could well get the British court involved though. If he really wanted to.

Because he has the money apparently, and it seems all that's needed is for him to get his name on the birth certificate (via the courts)

He travels here sometimes for business but hasn't for a few years (COVID)

OP posts:
Maxiedog123 · 12/12/2021 11:19

At 25 years old, I would be strongly considering termination

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