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Original poster

How am I going to fix this "DIL" issue?

185 replies

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:14

I've tried too hard and really messed it up, I accept that. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but also can't leave things as they are.

DS1's first serious GF. He's 20, she's just 18. They've been seeing each other practically every day and on the phone all night for about 6 months.

I've been concerned. They seemed to get very intense very quickly, I've tried to suggest to DS that it would do them both good to have some separate interests and that it's important to still see their own friends. Not only has it fallen on deaf ears, he's taken it to mean I don't like her.

That's not true, I hardly know her, but he likes her, he's always been good at choosing his friends, I have no reason to think she's anything but lovely. Everything I've heard about her seems good, it's just the way they have no life apart from each other. My only concern is that she's very young and they literally do nothing apart, but that's not about her personally.

Anyway I should have kept my thoughts to myself because he's talked to her about this and now she thinks I don't like her.

It all came to head this weekend. Sensing a reluctance to spend any time at our house, I suggested an evening out doing an activity (ie rather than just having to sit and chat). This was before I realised anyone thought I didn't like her. I genuinely thought I was doing a nice thing.

The invitation was accepted, DS seemed pleased. I checked again before booking, then booked and paid for it.

On the day, I got a message via DS that a family thing had come up for her so she wouldn't be able to attend. I felt this was rude as she'd already committed.

Anyway it transpired eventually that she'd refused to come because "you don't like her".

As I said I completely accept I've messed up and I don't want to make the same mistake again, but I do need to do something to make us all comfortable in each other's (occasional) company.

I've said to DS that I'm very sorry I've made anyone feel like that, it's not true, if she makes him happy then she's brilliant afaic and that I'll drop it until they're ready but...

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 07/12/2021 11:16

She is not your 'DIL' . She is your son's first girlfriend. Ask her round for her tea before they go out.

LefttoherownDevizes · 07/12/2021 11:19

Hmm, still don't think the implication that you like her because she makes him happy. Why don't you like her in her own right?

Sounds forced and like a non apology to me

HollowTalk · 07/12/2021 11:19

Oh god, this brings back memories. It was a real shock when I realised my daughter told her boyfriend something which he took offence to. I felt betrayed, tbh. His girlfriend sounds very immature (obviously, given her age, but still.) All you can do is try to be reasonable with your son and be nice to her when/if you see her. She's got you on eggshells - I hope she doesn't do the same to him.

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Disfordarkchocolate · 07/12/2021 11:20

He's 20 and sounds totally normal.

You are far too involved, step back.

Phyllidakettle · 07/12/2021 11:20

Keep your nose out off their relationship and let them get on with it. It’s nothing to do with you how much time they spend together.

Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:20

I know that's why I but the "DIL" in inverted commas.

I've invited her for tea lots of times. Sometimes she's accepted and then been unable to come. Mostly, it's not convenient. That's why I had the activity idea because I sensed she was nervous about coming to tea and I thought having something to do might help. It was only for an hour or so.

OP posts:
Negligee · 07/12/2021 11:21

This sounds way too intense on your side. She isn’t your DIL, and chances are she’ll be history before too much longer. Concentrate on maintaining good relations with your son. I’d have been horrified if my boyfriend’s parents had wanted to spend time doing an activity with me at 18.

BleuJay · 07/12/2021 11:22

We’re you not going once?

His relationship sounds like the majority of most first relationships and you had absolutely no need to make any suggestion to him as to how the relationship should be led.

Of course you can have your own private feelings and emotions of worrying he may get hurt etc but he’s an adult and it’s none of your business to point out to him that YOU think the relationship is too intense for YOUR liking.

You need to apologise to your son and then invite his girlfriend round for a meal and make amends.

Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:22

@LefttoherownDevizes

Hmm, still don't think the implication that you like her because she makes him happy. Why don't you like her in her own right?

Sounds forced and like a non apology to me

Because I don't know her. I've only met her a handful of times and then they disappear to his room and I don't see them. I'd hoped this little outing would be a way to meet her properly.

I know I shouldn't have talked to him about my concerns. I said that, I now need to know how to recover the situation.

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 07/12/2021 11:23

But what?
Just back off for a bit and let the dust settle.

Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:24

@BleuJay

We’re you not going once?

His relationship sounds like the majority of most first relationships and you had absolutely no need to make any suggestion to him as to how the relationship should be led.

Of course you can have your own private feelings and emotions of worrying he may get hurt etc but he’s an adult and it’s none of your business to point out to him that YOU think the relationship is too intense for YOUR liking.

You need to apologise to your son and then invite his girlfriend round for a meal and make amends.

I have asked her for a meal. I've even cooked the meal on 2 occasions and she's been unable to come.
OP posts:
Listener2021 · 07/12/2021 11:24

The nicest thing you can do is go away for a weekend and leave him the house to himself.

Mrsjayy · 07/12/2021 11:25

The fact you "Dil" shows you are far too invested in your sons life why would you tell a 20 year old he needs other friends? It isn't up to you to decide if its too intense or not the poor girl probably cancelled because she was terrified ! Good god leave them alone if he wants you to meet her or be involved in the family he will.

Negligee · 07/12/2021 11:26

But she doesn’t want to meet you! She’s 18. You’re just a sort of vague, adult-shaped blur passing by in the background!

AnFiadhRua · 07/12/2021 11:28

Sounds tricky!

I'd just take a step back, make it clear that you do not know her well enough to dislike her and were trying to get to know her, but you see now, maybe that was too invested.

Inference being, but unsaid ''in to your 20 year old's first relationship''

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 07/12/2021 11:28

Yes that would be a good idea listener!
That would re in force that you do like her and support the relationship. First loves are incredibly intense!

Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:28

I'm really not referring to her as DIL IRL please don't get hung up on that. It was just a shorthand way to say who she was in the thread title.

He was just turned 20 when they met having spent almost all his adult life in lockdown. Yes, I realised a bit too late that he was an adult. How many times do I need to say I accept I got it wrong? Grin

OP posts:
Hoesbeforebroes · 07/12/2021 11:28

I have to agree with pps. I'm sure you mean well but you need to back off and leave them to it.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 07/12/2021 11:29

Neglijee that's so true Grin...

I'd be really astonished if any parent had been this involved with my bf at that age!

goingtotown · 07/12/2021 11:29

20 & 18 Young love stop getting involved they don’t need you arranging tea & outings. Leave them to do their own thing their not children.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 07/12/2021 11:32

Totally back off, if you can give them some space do and lighten up

hellsbells99 · 07/12/2021 11:33

I think your were right to tell your son to keep his other friendships up. They often forget this when they are in their first intense relationship. Your son could have easily told you to mind your own business or had an adult chat about this etc. However your son was out of order to tell his girlfriend what you had said!

Mumdiva99 · 07/12/2021 11:34

I understand where you are coming from.

All you can do now is ask DS to make sure she knows the 'not liking her' wad a mistake. Then take it slowly. Be friendly but don't try to be friends. If you carry on as normal at some point she will get used to you. Good luck.

Beamur · 07/12/2021 11:35

I wouldn't worry too much. They're both young and it's at a very intense stage.
Maybe invite her over when you're having a more extended gathering perhaps over Christmas so it's less intimate?
Casually say to your son that the gf is welcome in your house and you didn't mean to give the impression you didn't like her. Leave it at that.

potoforchids · 07/12/2021 11:35

Your OP reads as if they are 15/16ish. They are adults so there isn't any need for any of this, back off completely and see how things go.