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Original poster

How am I going to fix this "DIL" issue?

185 replies

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:14

I've tried too hard and really messed it up, I accept that. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but also can't leave things as they are.

DS1's first serious GF. He's 20, she's just 18. They've been seeing each other practically every day and on the phone all night for about 6 months.

I've been concerned. They seemed to get very intense very quickly, I've tried to suggest to DS that it would do them both good to have some separate interests and that it's important to still see their own friends. Not only has it fallen on deaf ears, he's taken it to mean I don't like her.

That's not true, I hardly know her, but he likes her, he's always been good at choosing his friends, I have no reason to think she's anything but lovely. Everything I've heard about her seems good, it's just the way they have no life apart from each other. My only concern is that she's very young and they literally do nothing apart, but that's not about her personally.

Anyway I should have kept my thoughts to myself because he's talked to her about this and now she thinks I don't like her.

It all came to head this weekend. Sensing a reluctance to spend any time at our house, I suggested an evening out doing an activity (ie rather than just having to sit and chat). This was before I realised anyone thought I didn't like her. I genuinely thought I was doing a nice thing.

The invitation was accepted, DS seemed pleased. I checked again before booking, then booked and paid for it.

On the day, I got a message via DS that a family thing had come up for her so she wouldn't be able to attend. I felt this was rude as she'd already committed.

Anyway it transpired eventually that she'd refused to come because "you don't like her".

As I said I completely accept I've messed up and I don't want to make the same mistake again, but I do need to do something to make us all comfortable in each other's (occasional) company.

I've said to DS that I'm very sorry I've made anyone feel like that, it's not true, if she makes him happy then she's brilliant afaic and that I'll drop it until they're ready but...

OP posts:
Cotswoldmama · 07/12/2021 12:56

This is completely normal. I was exactly like this with my husband (boyfriend then) I was nearly 18 he was 19 when we got together and we pretty much were with each other all the time unless we were at work or sixth form. We went to the same uni, saw each other a bit less often then as we had more studying to do but still saw a lot of each other. After uni we moved back in with our mum's but we're always together at one of their houses. Then we saved to buy a flat.

Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 12:57

@MiddleParking

OP you’ve posted about your son and this girl so many times now. You’re projecting so much onto her, it’s incredibly unfair, she’s just a kid.
Have I? I don't think so.
OP posts:
Franklyfrost · 07/12/2021 12:59

Leave them well alone. Be polite. Your son is 20, what he does, so long as it’s not harming anyone, is his business. Talk through with someone why you are finding it painful to see your son in an intimate relationship.

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Aderyn21 · 07/12/2021 13:00

I don't think you've done anything wrong or have anything to apologise for. Your don had no business repeating your private conversation to his gf and in your shoes I'd be angry with him, not trying to appease him. Of course he should be maintaining other friendships and not dropping everything to be with his new gf and as a parent, it's fine to counsel caution.
She was rude to agree and not turn up. If they are old enough for an adult relationship and expect you to myob, they are old enough to be respectful of a private conversation between mother and son and to stick to commitments and be polite.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/12/2021 13:00

I'm the dd's mother in a similar position. I have never invited the bf to eat with us however my dd knows he is welcome so he frequently does eat with us, spends time playing games with us but it's all natural, nothing is forced, no formal invitations. Thankfully in our situation the bf's parents are the same so they are both comfortable in each other's homes.

I can't blame the ds because I can't judge how much the op went on at him about friendships, mentioning it in passing - fine, going on at him about it - not fine and could well have left the impression that the op doesn't like the gf.

FoxgloveSummers · 07/12/2021 13:00

It's all new to me too and if it's "normal" for them why is it so awful for me?

Because a) you're an adult b)it's not your relationship. Essentially you're making it awful for yourself by worrying about something that has no bearing on you whatever. Imagine if your son was in agonies about whether you and your partner/friend spent enough or too much time together? This is about the same.

I can still remember the visceral cringe of having my first boyfriend round "for tea" so he could meet my parents. Utterly dire. A less formal invite for her to come along to something you're all doing anyway (cinema, pub lunch, christmas market) and then PLAY IT INCREDIBLY COOL if she does come.

And don't forget everything you hear about her is being filtered through your son and vice versa. He's still young and you say immature so he might not report accurately on either side! I had to remind my parents of this when younger and they had the arse about a sibling's partner, turned out they were actually lovely and it was all confusion.

MiddleParking · 07/12/2021 13:07

Yes.

coconuthead · 07/12/2021 13:09

Stop inviting her for activities and meals and just maintain a polite indifference. Just be there when she does come over and say hi. Stop trying to do things with them it's far too much!

And first love is always intense so they will be spending all their time together. It's normal.

unname · 07/12/2021 13:09

I’m confused by all of the comments calling him a “grown up”.

Grown ups don’t live with their mommies, they support themselves.

Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 13:10

@FoxgloveSummers

It's all new to me too and if it's "normal" for them why is it so awful for me?

Because a) you're an adult b)it's not your relationship. Essentially you're making it awful for yourself by worrying about something that has no bearing on you whatever. Imagine if your son was in agonies about whether you and your partner/friend spent enough or too much time together? This is about the same.

I can still remember the visceral cringe of having my first boyfriend round "for tea" so he could meet my parents. Utterly dire. A less formal invite for her to come along to something you're all doing anyway (cinema, pub lunch, christmas market) and then PLAY IT INCREDIBLY COOL if she does come.

And don't forget everything you hear about her is being filtered through your son and vice versa. He's still young and you say immature so he might not report accurately on either side! I had to remind my parents of this when younger and they had the arse about a sibling's partner, turned out they were actually lovely and it was all confusion.

I know it would be easier to include them in family things but there's only me. There are no family things.
OP posts:
unname · 07/12/2021 13:11

I would be telling DS that it’s his fault she believes that you don’t like her because you’ve not even had the opportunity to give her that impression.

Then forget she exists and stop talking to him about her. Shy or not, she’s very ill-mannered.

MiddleParking · 07/12/2021 13:12

@unname

I’m confused by all of the comments calling him a “grown up”.

Grown ups don’t live with their mommies, they support themselves.

You ARE confused, aren’t you? Hmm
SolasAnla · 07/12/2021 13:14

Your problem is your son.
He decided you did not like her and told her but not you.
Arranging social meeting between you and your child partner is your child's responsibility.

You both need to treat each other as adults.

diddl · 07/12/2021 13:15

"I would be telling DS that it’s his fault she believes that you don’t like her because you’ve not even had the opportunity to give her that impression."

Yup!

Gives them an excuse always to be at hers & never engaging with Op doesn't it?

Staryflight445 · 07/12/2021 13:19

I don’t understand why you’re getting involved in the first place? If he wanted your opinion he would ask for it.
There wasn’t any need to but in.

EssexLioness · 07/12/2021 13:19

@ittakes2

Ask her out for a coffee by herself. It will always be awkward unless you can have a one-to-one face-to-face conversation.
Fgs please don’t do this! She is 18 - you run the risk of scaring her off completely!
IAmHereForTheFood · 07/12/2021 13:21

@Gearedtoyou

I know that's why I but the "DIL" in inverted commas.

I've invited her for tea lots of times. Sometimes she's accepted and then been unable to come. Mostly, it's not convenient. That's why I had the activity idea because I sensed she was nervous about coming to tea and I thought having something to do might help. It was only for an hour or so.

I don’t get why you are trying to force a relationship at all though.

At 18 I spent a lot of time with serious BF but it was several months before I spent any time with his DP.
I actually adored his DM & she treated me as the daughter she never had, but it took time to get there & she never (that I heard) volunteered any opinion of me or our relationship or invited me formally for dinner, I just started staying to eat occasionally if she shouted up the stairs asking did I want to stay?
Just leave them to it.

Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 13:23

@Staryflight445

I don’t understand why you’re getting involved in the first place? If he wanted your opinion he would ask for it. There wasn’t any need to but in.
Yes, how many times do I have to say I know that? But it's done now, I was hoping for some help to put it right.
OP posts:
MintJulia · 07/12/2021 13:23

Leave her alone. She is your son's friend not yours.

As and when they feel they have anything to share with you, they will, but for now you really don't need to be involved.

Mairyhinge · 07/12/2021 13:25

Crikey OP this could almost be written by me.
My son is 19, met his first 'proper' girlfriend back in March and she lives about an hours drive away.
Anyway long story short they've never really 'dated' they've just mooched about between her house and ours. They 'live' sponge off her parents for a week then come here and do the same. They have no separate lives. She seems nice enough but they 'live' in his room. They DO jobs when here but his job is currently based in her home town yet they hate it there 🤷‍♀️
I can't say I dislike her because like you I don't know her - but I try and try and try.
My advice to you would be just back off, always be friendly and welcoming to her, stop trying to persuade them you don't dislike her because it comes across as needy, just let them learn from it.
I get 'told' I should be doing this and saying that, but my 19 year old won't listen anyway so what's the point?!
She seems to have moved in here by stealth anyway judging by the stuff she's brought this time.
He's happy tho. She makes him happy, that's good enough for me. For now!

HollowTalk · 07/12/2021 13:28

I do think she's very very unfair if she wants your son to go to her family all the time and yet she won't come to talk to you. I've seen this happen such a lot and it's always seemed as though the girl's mother encourages it (presumably knows how shit it would feel to be left out.)

Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 13:28

@Mairyhinge

Crikey OP this could almost be written by me. My son is 19, met his first 'proper' girlfriend back in March and she lives about an hours drive away. Anyway long story short they've never really 'dated' they've just mooched about between her house and ours. They 'live' sponge off her parents for a week then come here and do the same. They have no separate lives. She seems nice enough but they 'live' in his room. They DO jobs when here but his job is currently based in her home town yet they hate it there 🤷‍♀️ I can't say I dislike her because like you I don't know her - but I try and try and try. My advice to you would be just back off, always be friendly and welcoming to her, stop trying to persuade them you don't dislike her because it comes across as needy, just let them learn from it. I get 'told' I should be doing this and saying that, but my 19 year old won't listen anyway so what's the point?! She seems to have moved in here by stealth anyway judging by the stuff she's brought this time. He's happy tho. She makes him happy, that's good enough for me. For now!
Thank you. It would be interesting to know how many people telling me how awful I am actually have adult children. Grin
OP posts:
godmum56 · 07/12/2021 13:29

you know the old saying OP.....When you are in a hole stop digging. back right off and shut up.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/12/2021 13:32

That doesn't make her a potential MIL from hell. Such an unhelpful and unpleasant comment. Some projection here?

I presume that was aimed at me? No projection at all. My MIL is the Mum I never had and I have a great relationship with all my kids partners Confused

If Op is being this intense with her ds's first gf who is only 18 what on earth will she be like when their is marriage and Grandkids involved? I stand by what I say that she needs to back off now before its too late.

HereticFanjo · 07/12/2021 13:34

Tbh I get concerned when I hear about young people who prioritise a bf / gf to the exclusion of friends. They tend to be left vulnerable when the relationship ends. It's absolutely fair enough to point that out to your son.

Just leave them to it

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