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Original poster

How am I going to fix this "DIL" issue?

185 replies

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:14

I've tried too hard and really messed it up, I accept that. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but also can't leave things as they are.

DS1's first serious GF. He's 20, she's just 18. They've been seeing each other practically every day and on the phone all night for about 6 months.

I've been concerned. They seemed to get very intense very quickly, I've tried to suggest to DS that it would do them both good to have some separate interests and that it's important to still see their own friends. Not only has it fallen on deaf ears, he's taken it to mean I don't like her.

That's not true, I hardly know her, but he likes her, he's always been good at choosing his friends, I have no reason to think she's anything but lovely. Everything I've heard about her seems good, it's just the way they have no life apart from each other. My only concern is that she's very young and they literally do nothing apart, but that's not about her personally.

Anyway I should have kept my thoughts to myself because he's talked to her about this and now she thinks I don't like her.

It all came to head this weekend. Sensing a reluctance to spend any time at our house, I suggested an evening out doing an activity (ie rather than just having to sit and chat). This was before I realised anyone thought I didn't like her. I genuinely thought I was doing a nice thing.

The invitation was accepted, DS seemed pleased. I checked again before booking, then booked and paid for it.

On the day, I got a message via DS that a family thing had come up for her so she wouldn't be able to attend. I felt this was rude as she'd already committed.

Anyway it transpired eventually that she'd refused to come because "you don't like her".

As I said I completely accept I've messed up and I don't want to make the same mistake again, but I do need to do something to make us all comfortable in each other's (occasional) company.

I've said to DS that I'm very sorry I've made anyone feel like that, it's not true, if she makes him happy then she's brilliant afaic and that I'll drop it until they're ready but...

OP posts:
Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 12:16

@Whattochoosenow

I’m sure we can all remember the intensity of our first proper boyfriend or girlfriend. They want to spend time with each other, not with each other’s families. You need to be less involved and back off a little. A small gift is fine but I wouldn’t do anything extravagant. It’s all probably been a bit overwhelming for her.
Yes, but they do spend a lot of time with her family.

It's all new to me too and if it's "normal" for them why is it so awful for me?

OP posts:
Remaker · 07/12/2021 12:17

Firstly you need to remember he’s 20, not 14. It’s not up to you how much time he spends with his friends or his gf. Plenty of 20yo wouldn’t even be living at home and their parents wouldn’t know how intense their relationships were.

Also could you be a bit jealous about him spending time with the gf family? You don’t need to be the same as them, just be yourself. Do the things you like to do and don’t pressure her. Give them loads of space, be polite and welcoming and do not give him relationship advice unless he asks for it.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/12/2021 12:19

You need to seriously step back, they are young and in love of course they want to spend all their time together, its totally normal Confused

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grapewine · 07/12/2021 12:19

You're way too involved. He's an adult, and so is she. I wasn't too keen on getting to know boyfriends' parents at that age. Just step back.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/12/2021 12:20

It's all new to me too and if it's "normal" for them why is it so awful for me?

What is awful? You really are going to be the MIL from hell and your ds will run a mile if you carry on.

grapewine · 07/12/2021 12:21

Perhaps her parents are more relaxed about it all. It'll be fine. Just don't try so hard.

ittakes2 · 07/12/2021 12:21

Ask her out for a coffee by herself. It will always be awkward unless you can have a one-to-one face-to-face conversation.

Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 12:22

@ittakes2

Ask her out for a coffee by herself. It will always be awkward unless you can have a one-to-one face-to-face conversation.
Oh. This seems like the exact opposite of what everyone else said Grin
OP posts:
Bubblecap · 07/12/2021 12:23

DS and his GF used to spend all day every day wrapped up in a duvet in his room. I do know what you mean about worrying about other friendships and interests. I didn’t say anything though. Now three years hence he is in two football teams, she is also in a football team and they have time apart. First relationships are often intense. Do you not remember yours op. I remember mine, the absolute yearning, the rest of the world didn’t matter. We spent months laying in each other’s arms or playing on my Commodore 64 whilst thinking we knew everything and how wonderful there had never been a love like this before and feeling sorry for the rest of humanity not knowing what it was to feel this way, yes we were twats.

EdgeOfTheSky · 07/12/2021 12:24

You don’t need to ‘get to know her properly’.

Just back off and let it happen naturally.

They are young. They aren’t interested in us. She comes to your house to see your Ds. If he invited her, that’s one thing. Why are you issuing separate invitations?

She probably is shy, and may well feel pressured.

And on the one hand you are telling your Ds they are too involved and the next, trying to involve her….

Tell your Ds that you are new to all this, have got it wrong, and will back off and he is of course welcome to bring her into your home as often as he likes without strings.

It isn’t easy being a cool relaxed welcoming parent in these situations new to us.

Original poster
Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 12:25

@Bubblecap

DS and his GF used to spend all day every day wrapped up in a duvet in his room. I do know what you mean about worrying about other friendships and interests. I didn’t say anything though. Now three years hence he is in two football teams, she is also in a football team and they have time apart. First relationships are often intense. Do you not remember yours op. I remember mine, the absolute yearning, the rest of the world didn’t matter. We spent months laying in each other’s arms or playing on my Commodore 64 whilst thinking we knew everything and how wonderful there had never been a love like this before and feeling sorry for the rest of humanity not knowing what it was to feel this way, yes we were twats.
No, DH was in the forces and we had one phone call a weekGrin
OP posts:
EdgeOfTheSky · 07/12/2021 12:26

Definitely don’t ask her out for a 121 coffee!

ThreeWiseBuddhas · 07/12/2021 12:33

I've got two DD's and a DD, all have had relationships, some short/some long I've never once voiced an opinion on how 'intense' they are. It's none of my business, if your DS is happy then basically butt out and leave them to it.
If there's a point where he's not happy and he confides in you then voice your opinion, until then busy yourself with your own stuff and let them get on with theirs

ThreeWiseBuddhas · 07/12/2021 12:34

*DS's even🤣

Samedaysame · 07/12/2021 12:41

I agree with pp you do sound too intense. Maybe gf family casually asked him if he wanted something to eat when he was there one day and he accepted and thats how it started with him eating there. All very casual and not a formal invite that you appear to give her. Just be more relaxed about their relationship.

diddl · 07/12/2021 12:43

I think that you were right to say what you did about keeping friends.

Unless you keep mentioning it or telling him to get off the phone to her!

I can't imagine why he would then think that that translates to you not liking her-let alone tell her that!

Daft sod!

Aria2015 · 07/12/2021 12:44

I get your concern re them spending lots of time together and it being intense but, I think that's very normal for 'first love' experiences. I know I was like that! My first boyfriend (first love) was when I was 17 and I felt very intense feelings of love and wanted to be together all the time. Both of us distanced ourselves from friends in favour of being together. But it was all one big lesson because in time, when the intensity cooled down (we were together 4 years) we both realised that we had neglected friendships and that the world didn't end if we did things separately. We basically matured. In my next serious relationship (which was actually with my now dh) I did things a bit differently, was more relaxed, made sure I made time for friends etc... Like I said, it was all one big lesson. I had to learn it for myself though. As does your son and his girlfriend.

I was also very shy (still can be). It's often misinterpreted as being standoffish or not friendly but it genuinely takes me a while to feel comfortable with new people.

I would try and see if you can persuade the girlfriend to an informal dinner (maybe a drink, if she drinks!?) and then kill her with kindness. I'm sure in time she'll see that her fear you don't like her is unfounded and you will get the opportunity to get to know each other and (hopefully!) like each other too!

Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2021 12:45

I actually think she’s being quite rude.
If you have booked and paid for something (with her agreement) she should bloody turn up

SiobhanSharpe · 07/12/2021 12:46

There's so much blame for the OP in this thread and I can't see why. She has repeatedly said she accepts she made mistakes and wants to put things right but the situation seems to have escalated through little fault of hers.( Her DS is not so innocent in this, IMO. )
She's trying to make amends but is not getting much help while posters play the blame game and bang on about what she already knows.

She is aware that she fucked up, why keep pointing it out?
It seems the GF's family has accepted OP's son into their circle, why is it so awful that OP would like to reciprocate with his GF?
That doesn't make her a potential MIL from hell. Such an unhelpful and unpleasant comment. Some projection here?

BurbageBrook · 07/12/2021 12:47

You sound totally overinvested and intense. Lots of 19/20 year olds want to see their boyfriend or girlfriend every day. They’re in love, can’t you remember those heady days? Step back and stop being so involved.

peboh · 07/12/2021 12:49

Bloody Nora. They're 20 and 18, of course things are intense. That's often the case in relationships at that age. He's a grown up, he doesn't need him mum telling him that he needs to pull back or whatever. Of course she thinks you don't like her, I would have at that age too.
Did she agree to the activity you planned? Or did you ds agree on her behalf, and then when mentioned to her she said no? If she agreed, then she was rude to suddenly cancel, however if it's the latter then I can understand her reluctance to go.

rainbowdancegirl · 07/12/2021 12:52

Get her a extra little gift and apologise for the comment and also say how happy you are to see that your son has met someone that makes him so happy and that she is welcome round anytime.
Then step completely back.

Do you feel like you are losing your son to her and feel lonely?
Do you have any hobbies or friends to keep you busy ?

I remember spending hardly any time at my boyfriends house it was mainly at mine with my family.

MiddleParking · 07/12/2021 12:52

OP you’ve posted about your son and this girl so many times now. You’re projecting so much onto her, it’s incredibly unfair, she’s just a kid.

Mischance · 07/12/2021 12:53

Just back off - it is his relationship and he is 20 for goodness sake! Who he chooses to go out with - or stay in with- is 100% not your business. Not in any way at all.

They seemed to get very intense very quickly, I've tried to suggest to DS that it would do them both good to have some separate interests and that it's important to still see their own friends. ....... what the heck!!!???? This is a grown adult you are talking to as if he is 13!!

TBH I have no idea how you can claw your way back from this. You have now betrayed how you think about your son - i.e. he is not capable of running his own life and relationships - and he will not forget that in a hurry I am afraid. And his gf is going to be justifiably wary of you.

The only thing you can do is to say to him - "Look I got this wrong - you are a grown adult and I have no right to try and tell you how to live your life. I have learned my lesson and promise that it will not happen again. Please apologise to your gf for me for over-stepping the mark."

And why are you arranging outings for the 3 of you????

I speak as someone who has 3 sons-in-law and I never never ever commented on my DDs' choices or how they conducted their relationships. If they had hooked up with a crook or a drug addict I would of course have had something to say; but your son has found himself a decent gf and he is enjoying this. Just be happy for him.... ad back right off.

Sprig1 · 07/12/2021 12:53

I would say just back off. If I was her I wouldn't be keen on spending time with you either. Not because you sound anything but well intentioned, just because their relationship isn't really anything to do with you, unless they choose to involve you.