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Original poster

How am I going to fix this "DIL" issue?

185 replies

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:14

I've tried too hard and really messed it up, I accept that. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but also can't leave things as they are.

DS1's first serious GF. He's 20, she's just 18. They've been seeing each other practically every day and on the phone all night for about 6 months.

I've been concerned. They seemed to get very intense very quickly, I've tried to suggest to DS that it would do them both good to have some separate interests and that it's important to still see their own friends. Not only has it fallen on deaf ears, he's taken it to mean I don't like her.

That's not true, I hardly know her, but he likes her, he's always been good at choosing his friends, I have no reason to think she's anything but lovely. Everything I've heard about her seems good, it's just the way they have no life apart from each other. My only concern is that she's very young and they literally do nothing apart, but that's not about her personally.

Anyway I should have kept my thoughts to myself because he's talked to her about this and now she thinks I don't like her.

It all came to head this weekend. Sensing a reluctance to spend any time at our house, I suggested an evening out doing an activity (ie rather than just having to sit and chat). This was before I realised anyone thought I didn't like her. I genuinely thought I was doing a nice thing.

The invitation was accepted, DS seemed pleased. I checked again before booking, then booked and paid for it.

On the day, I got a message via DS that a family thing had come up for her so she wouldn't be able to attend. I felt this was rude as she'd already committed.

Anyway it transpired eventually that she'd refused to come because "you don't like her".

As I said I completely accept I've messed up and I don't want to make the same mistake again, but I do need to do something to make us all comfortable in each other's (occasional) company.

I've said to DS that I'm very sorry I've made anyone feel like that, it's not true, if she makes him happy then she's brilliant afaic and that I'll drop it until they're ready but...

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 07/12/2021 15:29

Just give them space.

First relationships are intense. They are not just learning to navigate each other and a relationship but also how they manage their relationship in teh context of family/friends etc.

Just let them get on with it and rather than set up appointments/meals to spend with her simply let it happen casually if she is around seeing your son. "I'm cooking, does GF want to stay to eat with you" is a lot more casual than setting up times with special meals for someone at this stage.

If the relationship lasts there will be plenty of time to build your own parallel relationship with her if that is what you both want in time.

ginslinger · 07/12/2021 15:31

I think a lot of people are missing the fact that the OPs son is having lots of meals and socialising with his GFs parents and family but when the OP offers it is refused - it feels a bit unfair

FoxgloveSummers · 07/12/2021 15:34

So if it's just been you and your son up to now it must feel doubly weird. Sorry you're upset by it! Hard to deal as well when you have no-one else to run things past.

I think those only child/mother bonds can be so strong and intense that anyone else joining in can practically feel the forcefield, I expect the girlfriend is just aware of that.

Chill, give it time, do more of your own things, be friendly and fun when you see her, wait for her to come to you like a cat.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Allsorts1 · 07/12/2021 15:34

Another approach is to just start giving hun compliments about her. When I was a teenage girlfriend I loved it when I would hear that boyfriends parents liked me. Can just say things like “oh your Gf looked stunning tonight didn’t she!” “She seems so funny” - these will filter through and probably do more to make her feel liked than you saying you are reserving judgement until you know her.

Allsorts1 · 07/12/2021 15:37

Start giving him compliments**

“Seems utterly lovely” “what a polite girl” “clearly very clever”

Whatever works Grin

2me2u2u2me · 07/12/2021 15:39

I disagree with pps telling you to keep your nose out and leave him to it.

I am very close to my 20 yr old DS and I had exactly this with him last Christmas, he'd just met a girl who was 18, and they literally never spent a minute apart for around the first 2 months, either at ours or hers, I sat him down and told him what you did, he needed to see his friends, (he hadn't been) she did too (she hadn't been), it wasn't healthy, he agreed, had a chat with her and they went from 24/7 to around 4 days a week. The difference is that my son's gf took this on board and never had an issue with it, your son's gf seems to have an issue, and the fact that he does everything with her family and nothing with your son's family speaks volumes in that she's not taking on board what he wants and it's all on her terms.

Saying that, it seems you're not getting anywhere so I'd probably leave it for now, if he's been with her a few months why don't you tell him you're planning on getting her a little something for Christmas and what does he think she would like, that will probably go back to her and she might soften a bit towards you?

C8H10N4O2 · 07/12/2021 15:41

@ginslinger

I think a lot of people are missing the fact that the OPs son is having lots of meals and socialising with his GFs parents and family but when the OP offers it is refused - it feels a bit unfair
Its not about fair though its about them working through a first relationship and every DC does it in their own way.

Two of mine practically gave me a running commentary on their first partners, the other two scarcely mentioned them until they were far more established. It was like watching a succession of ships sail into port - sometimes they disappeared after one or two sightings, others became fixtures for a while. Just let them work it out themselves and be there for if they want to share or run into difficulties.

Cameleongirl · 07/12/2021 15:48

@ginslinger

I think a lot of people are missing the fact that the OPs son is having lots of meals and socialising with his GFs parents and family but when the OP offers it is refused - it feels a bit unfair
I agree, @ginslinger, the OP's update that her son spends alot of time with his gf's family does change the situation. It sounds as if the gf isn't willing to accept his Mum, but he is expected (and does) completely accept spending time with her family. That's not nice behaviour. Sad It's probably just immaturity/shyness, but it's also selfish.

As PP's have said, first relationships can be very intense, so I'd back off and just make sure you remain on good terms with your DS AND continue to encourage him to see his other friends. I've talked about this with my DD (16) as she's now seeing a few of her mates getting into intense relationships and ditching everyone...it's not a good idea. Luckily my DD isn't interested in a proper relationship at the moment, she loves them and leaves them quickly. Grin

DeadButDelicious · 07/12/2021 15:48

Okey dokey, you need to step way, way back. You really don't want to be 'that' mum. I met my now husband when he was 19 and I was 22 and the very first night we spent together his mum was ringing him up to ask what my parents did. She went through the phone bill to find my number, so she could call me when he didn't pick up and countless other things. It is a testament to how much I liked and now love her son that I stuck it out. We get along great now, she's a lovely, if intense woman but having that much familial attention aimed at you when you've just started seeing someone is A Lot. Seriously, step back. It's likely this girl may not be around long but just in case she is you want to give them space.

mam0918 · 07/12/2021 16:07

People saying she will be history may not be right... I got with DH at 18 when he was 21 and we have been happily together 14 years now.

His mother did not like me at all at first (I was only his 2nd girlfriend, she thought I was too young and too confident as he's quite shy and quiet and I was very outgoing) and it strained the first decade of our (mine and MIL) relationship.

She has now accepted that after over a decade, marriage and 4 kids I'm not going anywhere - the assumption everyone on his side made is we wouldn't last because I was virtually his first girlfriend and we were young, off that basis a lot of people made it hard for us and THEY lost out in the long run with some not even in our lives anymore.

My advice OP is to back off and stay out of their relationship but don't treat her coldly... treat her as you would if she was your DS best friend not girlfriend.

Horsemad · 07/12/2021 16:09

I'd just let them get on with it tbh OP - and be there if/when it doesn't last and he may need a shoulder to cry on.

My DS is having a very intense relationship with his current gf but I'm not too bothered that they do more with her family - saves having to entertain her here! 😆

MorkandMandy · 07/12/2021 16:11

You might be a bit over-invested OP. I had a long term BF at that age and didn’t really arrange things, just went with the flow. Might you have come on a bit strong? She probably really did want to make the effort and go out but got cold feet because it’s a bit much.

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2021 16:15

I think your DS has been a total dick here, tattling to her when you were just encouraging him to keep seeing his friends.

For that reason, I would just ignore them both. No more invitations and no Christmas presents for her.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/12/2021 16:15

It sounds as if the gf isn't willing to accept his Mum, but he is expected (and does) completely accept spending time with her family. That's not nice behaviour. sad It's probably just immaturity/shyness, but it's also selfish

It is just as likely to be the DS not ready to "share" his GF with his DM yet.

Just let them be. Its a bit early to start complaining that a fairly recent first relationship isn't playing "fair shares" in the in law stakes. He is 20. If he was away at uni or had moved out the OP might not even know about the relationship yet.

fallfallfall · 07/12/2021 16:18

Knowing the ages 20-18. They are all loved up and totally into one another (physically and emotionally) totally normal.
What you do now is be polite and not invested. Like a workplace temp employee.
Almost ignore her.

westofnormal · 07/12/2021 16:20

You already posted this. The girlfriend is controlling; abusive. She is also extremely rude for whatever reason it is that she refuses to acknowledge you or your house. Sounds like an incredibly weird person who you are under zero obligation to like. The boyfriend will quite likely (as has already happened) take her side and go against you, but he is in trouble having her force him to cut his friends off. I would be very clear to him then just leave him alone to get into a mess if that's what he wants to do. You won't see him for years after she's ruined him completely. I guess it's too late to get through to and protect him from this. Given the way you are posting I assume you both have the same personality, and you can't say no and are too nice etc and are often mistreated and open to this kind of manipulation and abuse.

butterpuffed · 07/12/2021 16:21

@ginslinger

I think a lot of people are missing the fact that the OPs son is having lots of meals and socialising with his GFs parents and family but when the OP offers it is refused - it feels a bit unfair
I agree with you. So many posters don't seem to be reading OP's updates.
AwaAnBileYerHeid · 07/12/2021 16:30

I'd be annoyed at your son for shitstirring and making up that you don't like her!

ErinAoife · 07/12/2021 16:30

I am in the same situation than you and perfectly understand where you are coming from. My son and his girlfriend are both 18 and are going out over a year now. She is a nice girl and I like her but they are 99% all the time together.

ElsieMc · 07/12/2021 16:32

I think you have had a rough ride on here op. My gs's live with me and gs1 is 18 as is his girlfriend. They stay here a lot, around 4 nights a week. Drives me mad sometimes. They are messy and it hacks me off but I balance it against her kindness in collecting gs from college for me occasionally.

I find it hard to believe the pp's criticising you would behave perfectly with their offsprings g/f's. Everyone gets irritated from time to time and you are right to be concerned about a relationship to the exclusion of all others and all interests. I feel the same but did not voice it until an incident occurred.

They had a big fall out on a weekend away and he phoned us to collect him. He was drunk. On his return, I told him they both needed a bit of space. Fell on deaf ears, he returned Sunday she turned up Tuesday. I actually blame gs for the incident but made no comment to them.

That said, she never got into a mood about it nor felt I did not like her. I have also told them to stop spreading out round the house using the living room when they have a tv room upstairs. I don't like it because its another mess to clean up and it is my house. You cannot walk on eggshells.

I think the gf is rude, cancelling on you last minute and not going to the occasion you organised. I actually think its a bit of a red flag and say so because of an awful recent post about a gf who was causing havoc in a family who was "upset" by just about everything. My advice is to say nothing. In future just cook for yourselves and maybe do a bit extra in case she turns up. You have made the effort and I would back off now.

AbsolutelyFuckinFabulousDarlin · 07/12/2021 16:36

It's bloody hard when there are two of you but even harder when you are trying to navigate it alone. You've acknowledged that you handled it badly so hats off to you. I think I would just take a back seat for a while. Young adults can and have to make their own paths, we just become their safety net.

Dozer · 07/12/2021 16:40

Yeah, DS has played some dick moves!

Ourlady · 07/12/2021 16:43

@unname

I would be telling DS that it’s his fault she believes that you don’t like her because you’ve not even had the opportunity to give her that impression.

Then forget she exists and stop talking to him about her. Shy or not, she’s very ill-mannered.

I agree with this. I would also ask him if he thinks it's okay that he spends a lot of time with her family doing social things and every time you try to arrange anything she cancel at the last minute which is hurtful. I feel for you OP. I think she is old enough to at least make an effort to have a little chat while she is in your home. She sounds quite rude.
ScribblingPixie · 07/12/2021 16:44

Don't intrude in their relationship, OP. And don't think that you're entitled to 'equivalence' with the relationship your son has with her family. I'd say your son is trying to keep you at arm's length here, so just leave him to get on with it & stop thinking there's anything for you to fix with this girl.

doadeer · 07/12/2021 16:54

Just sounds like normal young people. Just pull yourself back. Girlfriends won't be interested in boyfriends mum at this age. You don't need a relationship with her. They might run their course in a few months. My boyfriends at this age, neither of us knew each others parents.