How am I going to fix this "DIL" issue?

[Gearedtoyou]

I've tried too hard and really messed it up, I accept that. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but also can't leave things as they are.

DS1's first serious GF. He's 20, she's just 18. They've been seeing each other practically every day and on the phone all night for about 6 months.

I've been concerned. They seemed to get very intense very quickly, I've tried to suggest to DS that it would do them both good to have some separate interests and that it's important to still see their own friends. Not only has it fallen on deaf ears, he's taken it to mean I don't like her.

That's not true, I hardly know her, but he likes her, he's always been good at choosing his friends, I have no reason to think she's anything but lovely. Everything I've heard about her seems good, it's just the way they have no life apart from each other. My only concern is that she's very young and they literally do nothing apart, but that's not about her personally.

Anyway I should have kept my thoughts to myself because he's talked to her about this and now she thinks I don't like her.

It all came to head this weekend. Sensing a reluctance to spend any time at our house, I suggested an evening out doing an activity (ie rather than just having to sit and chat). This was before I realised anyone thought I didn't like her. I genuinely thought I was doing a nice thing.

The invitation was accepted, DS seemed pleased. I checked again before booking, then booked and paid for it.

On the day, I got a message via DS that a family thing had come up for her so she wouldn't be able to attend. I felt this was rude as she'd already committed.

Anyway it transpired eventually that she'd refused to come because "you don't like her".

As I said I completely accept I've messed up and I don't want to make the same mistake again, but I do need to do something to make us all comfortable in each other's (occasional) company.

I've said to DS that I'm very sorry I've made anyone feel like that, it's not true, if she makes him happy then she's brilliant afaic and that I'll drop it until they're ready but...

Though I agree it's rude of her to cancel when you booked something. She does sound immature

I have asked her for a meal. I've even cooked the meal on 2 occasions and she's been unable to come.

Did she say she was coming and then change her mind at the last minute? I know she’s young, but if she’s done this to you twice in a short space of time then I wouldn’t blame you if you actually didn’t like her very much

Think the first rule is don’t pass any comments that may appear negative about her at all.

I still remember what my now mil said to my dh about our relationship all those years ago. It did certainly take along time to get over what was said and I won’t ever forget what was said.

Secondly just leave them be. It’s going love it may be everything or it may fizzle out but let them come to you in their own time. If his the type to ditch his mates for love that’s who he is and no amount of mum moaning about it will actually change that.

@ginslinger

I think a lot of people are missing the fact that the OPs son is having lots of meals and socialising with his GFs parents and family but when the OP offers it is refused - it feels a bit unfair

It’s not unfair - that’s often just how it is. Ds may feel very comfortable at other peoples houses, his girlfriend may not feel the same - she could feel much happier in her own home.

My adult dd spends far more time at her boyfriends house than he does at ours. Nothing I can do, he’s happier in his own environment whereas dd is happy anywhere.

But whatever the reasons, OP needs to lighten up and back off from trying to include herself in teenage/young people’s relationships.

Yes, I did say to my sister the other day that she's either very rude or very shy

Jeez poor girl 🙄

Dont assume this relationship wont last. They are both learning about having adult relationships and @Gearedtoyou, you are learning to navigate around them as well. Dont try to 'make this right'. Be welcoming when you see them but dont try to force a relationship with GF.

We got to know DD's BF (similar ages) when they both locked down with us. We had met him on a couple of visits prior to that! Turns out he is absolutely lovely which is a good thing as they are now married.

"I have asked her for a meal. I've even cooked the meal on 2 occasions and she's been unable to come."
You're not doing anything wrong by trying to involve her. Not at all. But if they don't want it then yeah, just leave it now.
And she's not been "unable" to come. She is refusing to come and also lying for some reason and bailing like she was always going to do. She's very obnoxious and bad news. You don't say things to make people happy and mess them about when you know you were never going to go. Even a free home cooked meal. You would be right not to like her.

"It’s not unfair - that’s often just how it is. Ds may feel very comfortable at other peoples houses, his girlfriend may not feel the same - she could feel much happier in her own home."

So it's the girlfriend who is being rude and doesn't like the mum or the mum's house. Not that the mum dislikes her.. It doesn't matter if you prefer your own house, that's normal. You share things equally. I don't know why the son told on the mum. Sounds like he has a problem with the mum too or is completely controlled by his overbearing controlling rude girlfriend.

This also reminds me of a post from a few months ago where it was discussed about whether she was just shy or not and whoever that was, presumably someone different, she was indeed rude not shy. The one who was coming in making herself cups or tea or whatever.

Jesus, just leave them to it! You sound way too involved.

Flip this around though. “My boyfriend told me his mum doesn’t like me but she keeps trying to force me over for meals & I’m too shy. What do I do?”

You’d all tell her there’s too many red flags and to protect herself by having boundaries and not spending time with toxic people.

Also, I worry that this thread is actually quite identifying.