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Original poster

How am I going to fix this "DIL" issue?

185 replies

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:14

I've tried too hard and really messed it up, I accept that. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but also can't leave things as they are.

DS1's first serious GF. He's 20, she's just 18. They've been seeing each other practically every day and on the phone all night for about 6 months.

I've been concerned. They seemed to get very intense very quickly, I've tried to suggest to DS that it would do them both good to have some separate interests and that it's important to still see their own friends. Not only has it fallen on deaf ears, he's taken it to mean I don't like her.

That's not true, I hardly know her, but he likes her, he's always been good at choosing his friends, I have no reason to think she's anything but lovely. Everything I've heard about her seems good, it's just the way they have no life apart from each other. My only concern is that she's very young and they literally do nothing apart, but that's not about her personally.

Anyway I should have kept my thoughts to myself because he's talked to her about this and now she thinks I don't like her.

It all came to head this weekend. Sensing a reluctance to spend any time at our house, I suggested an evening out doing an activity (ie rather than just having to sit and chat). This was before I realised anyone thought I didn't like her. I genuinely thought I was doing a nice thing.

The invitation was accepted, DS seemed pleased. I checked again before booking, then booked and paid for it.

On the day, I got a message via DS that a family thing had come up for her so she wouldn't be able to attend. I felt this was rude as she'd already committed.

Anyway it transpired eventually that she'd refused to come because "you don't like her".

As I said I completely accept I've messed up and I don't want to make the same mistake again, but I do need to do something to make us all comfortable in each other's (occasional) company.

I've said to DS that I'm very sorry I've made anyone feel like that, it's not true, if she makes him happy then she's brilliant afaic and that I'll drop it until they're ready but...

OP posts:

JoshuasLemonGrove · 07/12/2021 11:35

I don't think you are being unreasonable about wanting her to join the family for a meal. She and your son have been going out for 6 months.

I would want to get to know someone who my son was spending every day with especially as she is coming to your house and then disappearing upstairs.

I think she has shown that she is immature by not turning up to meals you have prepared and it is rude to do it repeatedly. I definitely spent time with my boyfriend's family, just chatting over a family dinner.

I invited Ds's best mate over when they had started secondary school as for a whole year I heard about this kid but had never even seen him. I invited him round for a pizza dinner. I didn't shine a light in his face and hook him up to a lie detector test. I was genuinely curious about this person.

Mrsjayy · 07/12/2021 11:36

Most posters say son/daughters GF/bf though they don't say "Dil" it's just a bit odd. What I would do now is back away from the and just let them get on with it you really don't need to do anything or invite her anywhere just calm down

Branleuse · 07/12/2021 11:36

Get her a little xmas pressie and be nice to her but in a much more low key way. Inviting for dinner or activities might be making her feel intimidated if shes worried you dont like her

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BobbieT1999 · 07/12/2021 11:37

Oh my...step waaaayyy back!

The right attitude now is the same as one for the social life of teenagers, polite indifference and ready to pick up the pieces without judgement when it goes south.

She's intimidated by you, back off and she may be brave enough to meet you. Do not mention the misunderstood, with time you can show her that you're-really-a-nice-person.

Mrsjayy · 07/12/2021 11:38

Yes a "small" Christmas present is a lovely idea nothing overwhelming just a nice gesture.

Original poster

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:38

@Branleuse

Get her a little xmas pressie and be nice to her but in a much more low key way. Inviting for dinner or activities might be making her feel intimidated if shes worried you dont like her

Now I'm stressing about their Chrostmas present. I've got them tickets for something to do together and a token girly thing for her. Too much, not enough?

OP posts:

Original poster

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 11:39

That's for them to do together, not with me!!

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 07/12/2021 11:40

Oh no what's the thing?

EssexLioness · 07/12/2021 11:40

I think your concerns are valid and agree your son should keep up his own interests/ seeing his friends. However, this sort of intensity is perfectly normal at that age - don’t you remember what love was like in your teens? You sound way too invested and it’s natural that the gf would feel you don’t like her. It can be very intimidating meeting your boyfriend’s parents at that age, even without your comment which she has taken personally

Skysblue · 07/12/2021 11:46

She accepted an invitation, you paid for it, and then she refused to come? Well, I don’t like her. How rude and immature, she’s 18 not 14. Disrespectful. Seems to me that she’s likely jealous of your close relationship with your son and trying to come between you, while making it look like it’s your fault. You’ve been nothing but friendly, she’s been extremely rude.

I’d say to the son “That’s a shame she thinks I don’t like her. I’ve never had a chance to like or dislike her, as she won’t let me get to know her. Well, if she didn’t want to come I wish she’d told me before I paid for her ticket. Never mind. Perhaps she’s just shy or not interested in getting to know your family, if she doesn’t want to be friendly I guess I’ll leave you two to it then.”

Frankie4me · 07/12/2021 11:47

Your Christmas gift is fine. Gently - stop overthinking this. Continue to be kind when you see her, let your son know that she’s always welcome but you will leave it to him to let you know if / when they are ready for dinner / tea invitations. Then just be friendly but don’t push ideas / events / company on each other. (I don’t mean that you should hire out in your house though - do whatever you normally would even if she’s there).

GiltEdges · 07/12/2021 11:50

I have asked her for a meal. I've even cooked the meal on 2 occasions and she's been unable to come.

I'd imagine she probably agrees to come and then gets last minute anxiety and backs out. Take the pressure off and remove any of expectations of having arranged interactions with her for now. But be pleasant when you do see her.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 07/12/2021 11:50

If you have set ds straight about your thoughts/feelings and intentions leave well alone now.
Fwiw there was nothing wrong in what you said to DS. It's valid. GF may just be intimidated at the prospect of meeting you, being involved. Understandle at 18. It sounds like a bit of drama has been created. Anything you do now will add to it.

TiredButDancing · 07/12/2021 11:51

Can you, lightly, say to DS - you know, I'm such a fool. I think I forgot what it's like when you're young and a few of my friends have pointed out that of course you and GF are spending loads of time. Sorry, I promise to go back to being normal again and I'm glad you and GF are happy.

Then leave it at that for now. I do think the level of intensity is pretty normal (and I have to tell you - be prepared for this to continue way into your DC's 20s.....because in my experience, a teenager who has these sorts of intense relationships tends to continue having them and yes, I am thinking of a few of my school/university friends here! Plus, I can admit that the man I was in love with age 21 I could have happily spent every waking hour with, for weeks on end. And I am not, overall, the clingy intense type!)

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 07/12/2021 11:51

Tackle your ds first. Explain you don't know his gf well enough to either like or dislike her and your only concern was him not seeing his friends but now you've said it you'll leave it with him.
As for the gf, just continue seeing her briefly when she arrives at your house etc, maybe throw a few casual 'tag along' invitations her way (so if you're already going somewhere like the cinema, Christmas market etc and they may both be interested invite them to join you) but stop the formal, trying to get to know you things as they're too pressurised.

Also, remember most 18yo girls are dramatic in a young naive way, and first relationships are always intense and often 'us against the world' so they've taken your comments as an attempt to part them (🙄). Obviously you have the experience to look at this and see they need space but they're young and know everything! Just step back, it'll be fine.

Also, the Christmas present you've got them sounds lovely.

BleuJay · 07/12/2021 11:52

Are you Liz Hurley?

Blackberrybunnet · 07/12/2021 11:52

he fucked it up by allowing her to think you didn't like her, he has to sort it out now. tell him that.

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2021 11:53

Just be friendly when your paths cross and don't say anything else to your son about his relationship unless he asks you for advice.

Shannith · 07/12/2021 11:59

Bloody hell back off.

He's 20 and it's just a girlfriend. He'll probably have loads.

If I were here I'd be bloody terrified of you and your need to get to know her. She's doing exactly the right thing by not being available.

Can you see the irony in thinking your son is getting too intense too early and you are doing exactly the same. But far, far more extreme.

Let them get on with it and shag to their hearts content. Because that's what they want to do, not have dinner with each other's parents.

As a PP said, go away for the weekend and leave them the house.

Stop making dinner. Stop sitting and chatting. Stop inviting her to activities. Aged 17 I could t think of anything g worse and should have run a mile.

I assume innocently that's not what you want? Is it? You are certainly going g the right way.

For the sake of any future DILs use this as practice for who my son shags/spends time with is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

WalkingOnSonshine · 07/12/2021 12:00

I wasn’t involved with my first boyfriend’s family at the age, I didn’t have an interest in having tea with his parents, I just wanted to see him. I didn’t see myself as his partner at the age of 17-19.

With now DH, I met his parents properly for a sit down meal after us being together for a year. Equally when my DB was at home, we’d only expect to actually meet his girlfriends after 8-9 months, knowing at that point it was serious - but also when they were in their mid twenties & almost becoming part of the extended family.

Original poster

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 12:03

@GiltEdges

I have asked her for a meal. I've even cooked the meal on 2 occasions and she's been unable to come.

Yes, I did say to my sister the other day that she's either very rude or very shy, so FTB I'm going with shy.

DS doesn't help because rather than telling me, she doesn't want to or is finding it really difficult to come he'll tell me that something more important has come up at the last minute and that makes me feel like she's calling all the shots. It's all becoming a bit clearer now though.

I do think it's immaturity and shyness rather than intentional rudeness though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gearedtoyou · 07/12/2021 12:07

TBF (to me) her family is very involved. DS joins all their family occasions and has been on holiday with them. He regualrly eats out with them and socialised with their neighbours. Her dad has been helping him with lots of fatherly things (DH is deceased). So part of my concern has been that I'm not doing my bit in comparison.

If it's not normal for parents to be involved, it is what she's used to from her side.

OP posts:

mumonthehill · 07/12/2021 12:09

I think you are just trying to be kind and you want to be involved because you love your son. However she is young and may not have the confidence yet or maturity to deal with you. Speak to your son, say that you find it difficult when she cancels and then step away for a bit. Be breezy and light about it all.

Whattochoosenow · 07/12/2021 12:14

I’m sure we can all remember the intensity of our first proper boyfriend or girlfriend.
They want to spend time with each other, not with each other’s families. You need to be less involved and back off a little. A small gift is fine but I wouldn’t do anything extravagant. It’s all probably been a bit overwhelming for her.

Whattochoosenow · 07/12/2021 12:16

Sorry just read your update- she is probably shy.

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