How am I going to fix this "DIL" issue?

[Gearedtoyou]

I've tried too hard and really messed it up, I accept that. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but also can't leave things as they are.

DS1's first serious GF. He's 20, she's just 18. They've been seeing each other practically every day and on the phone all night for about 6 months.

I've been concerned. They seemed to get very intense very quickly, I've tried to suggest to DS that it would do them both good to have some separate interests and that it's important to still see their own friends. Not only has it fallen on deaf ears, he's taken it to mean I don't like her.

That's not true, I hardly know her, but he likes her, he's always been good at choosing his friends, I have no reason to think she's anything but lovely. Everything I've heard about her seems good, it's just the way they have no life apart from each other. My only concern is that she's very young and they literally do nothing apart, but that's not about her personally.

Anyway I should have kept my thoughts to myself because he's talked to her about this and now she thinks I don't like her.

It all came to head this weekend. Sensing a reluctance to spend any time at our house, I suggested an evening out doing an activity (ie rather than just having to sit and chat). This was before I realised anyone thought I didn't like her. I genuinely thought I was doing a nice thing.

The invitation was accepted, DS seemed pleased. I checked again before booking, then booked and paid for it.

On the day, I got a message via DS that a family thing had come up for her so she wouldn't be able to attend. I felt this was rude as she'd already committed.

Anyway it transpired eventually that she'd refused to come because "you don't like her".

As I said I completely accept I've messed up and I don't want to make the same mistake again, but I do need to do something to make us all comfortable in each other's (occasional) company.

I've said to DS that I'm very sorry I've made anyone feel like that, it's not true, if she makes him happy then she's brilliant afaic and that I'll drop it until they're ready but...

Buy them a romantic night away somewhere for an Xmas pressie. I was gringingly embarrassed by things at that age and just imagine trying to start your first intimate relationship with your new boyfriend when his Mum is down stairs would of been too much for me too! -

I don't think your DS is being very fair or nice to you tbh. He twisted your words. You said you were worried they were spending too much time together, he told her that you don't like her. Sorry but it seems manipulative to me.

I also don't think it's fair and very nice that your DS and his girlfriend will do activities/meals with her family but not yours. If you stop speaking to her/stop trying to make amends, it's not going to get any better. Next time she is at yours, you should chat with her, apologise for the misunderstanding and try and make friends.

@Ozanj

She seems really immature and if that’s how she deals with people they won’t last long. Just get on with your life. You’ve apologised as much as you need to.

Are you serious?

She's 18. I really can't think of many 18 year olds who want to spend their free time out of school/uni hanging around with their boyfriend's ma on the weekends.

She's allowed to put boundaries in place. If someone seemingly doesn't like you, at work for example, do you want to hang out with them after hours? I highly doubt it.

Just because she's a young female doesn't mean she should suppress how she feels about a situation to please someone else, who is more than old enough to know better.

Let's re frame this, shall we?

"I've been dating my boyfriend for x years, we are both adults and his mum keeps interfering in our relationship. She's made comments that make it sound very likely that she doesn't like me. She keeps coming up with activities for us to all do together, but frankly I don't want to- it makes me feel uncomfortable and pressured. I told my boyfriend this and he relayed the information back to her, explaining why I didn't want to attend.

Should I suppress how this feels and be forced to tag along, or should I take some time away and just focus on my and my boyfriend's relationship separate to his family?"

I guarantee, in that circumstance, mostly everyone would be saying to not attend.

She said no after DM had already booked somewhere and was waiting for her. 18 years old or not she’s a dickhead and an attention seeker for doing it all such last minute for maximum drama.

She is not your 'DIL' . She is your son's first girlfriend.

But we all knew what she meant when she put it in “ “ so this comment is really unnecessary.

@Dearblossom

Buy them a romantic night away somewhere for an Xmas pressie. I was gringingly embarrassed by things at that age and just imagine trying to start your first intimate relationship with your new boyfriend when his Mum is down stairs would of been too much for me too! -

Ooh a sex voucher for Christmas from your boyfriend's parents

I have adult children (older than yours!) OP.

You sound like a loving Mum and that's good but all I'll say is... I wouldn't bother getting to know her because she could be toast in a few weeks! I don't mean that harshly, obviously always have a 'hello' etc if she comes in the kitchen or whatever but apart from that, or 'do you want a cuppa', I honestly would not try much harder. It's just offputting for her to be honest.

I just used to treat the ones that would come in our house as 'their friends' as opposed to boyfriend etc. It was just much easier.

Whoever asking her out for a coffee... just you and her ..... just NO. Even a family outing is pushing it a bit.

Good luck!

@Ozanj

She said no after DM had already booked somewhere and was waiting for her. 18 years old or not she’s a dickhead and an attention seeker for doing it all such last minute for maximum drama.

I wouldn't assume that at all. I'd actually assume she had every intention of going but last minute felt uncomfortable about going and backed out. Or, she didn't want to go and felt bad telling her boyfriend and then it transpired she didn't want to go and he said "that's okay, I'll say to her".

And frankly, even if she did do it out of pure spite, I still don't blame her. If someone was gossiping about me behind my back, I wouldn't give two shits if I annoyed them. Yes, OP perhaps wasn't gossiping, but it's how the information has been relayed to her so that's all she can go on.

Are you a scorned MIL by any chance? Certainly sounds like it.

You are not "awful" OP; you have just made a mistake that has had consequences, and you need to find a way to retrieve this situation.

I really think you should just say to your son that you realise you should not have interfered or passed an opinion and you will not do it again.

Going down the route of comparing how much time he spends with gf's family compared with yours is truly making a rod for your own back. Please do not go there - it will make you miserable for years to come. I had a similar situation with one of my DDs - she virtually lived at her bf's house rather than at ours. I made no comment - I could imagine why it was - it's a bit uncomfortable for the bf to be sleeping with the DD of his own GP! I tried to put myself in his shoes and let it wash by me - but I had two other DDs, a job and lots of interests and activities that filled my life.

Do you feel that this lacking in your life? Might that be something to develop so that your mind does not get tied up with the worries that you have at the moment?

My DDs' bfs used to just come and go - ate with us sometimes; not at others. It was all very informal and casual. AS their relationships became more secure and permanent, invitations might be issued to join with us, but there was no pressure.

It must be hard for you to be plunged into this new reality when your life has been centred round your son up till now. It is a big change for you and I hope you will find ways to navigate this.

First serious relationships /teenager relationship are a minefield!!
My daughter had an intense relationship as her first, like you concerned that they weren’t spending time independently with friends or keeping friendships going etc. I never said anything and after two years they broke up - all very emotional. They hadn’t really lost those friendships as they both seemingly slipped back into their respective friendship groups.
A year on she is now in another relationship and it’s much more healthy, probably because she learnt the negatives from the first. But it’s none of my business and unless major red flags all we can do is be there for them if needed/asked.

I know with my daughter first boyfriend his Mum made it very uncomfortable for her - she would avoid family events. It didn’t really fix itself I do think his Mum tried but 18 year old are stubborn and sometimes take a small thing quite to heart. Other than asking whether she ok and keep the door open etc that’s all you can do.

OP - I think it's interesting you mention lockdown and your son 'suddenly' being grown up. That's also true for his girlfriend who has missed some key growing up and socialising - I'd let her off the hook with the shy/ rude behaviour - perhaps take a step back now and let things fade a bit. Just be friendly.

I get what you are saying about intensity - it reminds me of my first relationship at similar age, I can promise you nothing my parents said to me made any difference - I wanted to be with my boyfriend every minute of every day. We were so in love! I can't imagine being bothered about separate hobbies or whatever.

It's such an intense experience first love, truly us grown ups don't really know it in our day to day life. I thought I was dying of love if I didn't see him for a couple of days. We just wanted to stare into each others eyes.

I would back off on advising him - he is an adult and they are going through a normal phase.

I can appreciate how this is all new to you and you’ve unintentionally messed it up a bit.

But as others have stated you really need to be far more relaxed and nicely back off. I would have loathed at her age a family meal/activities whatever with bf’s Mum. You really are trying too hard here.

Just be friendly and relaxed when you see her, offer toast type snacks etc but leave them to their own devices.

It’s a different dynamic to her own household and I can understand it’s hurtful for you, but I can also see how it’s more relaxed and “diluted” with other people when they are at hers.

You’ll get to know her more with time if you become less involved, more relaxed, pursue your own things and are approachable if your DS wants to chat without the mini lectures from Mum that you can see have backfired.

You really are way overthinking all of this and trying to force the situation. Just a little Christmas gift would have been sufficient.

Oh the days of first love. The intensity, as someone else said … being the only people in the universe to have experienced it etc etc !

Just nicely back off but be friendly when you see her in a relaxed low key way and it will all fall into place.

@Listener2021

The nicest thing you can do is go away for a weekend and leave him the house to himself.

This is such a disillusioned thing to suggest.

I'd stop trying to fix what you feel you have done wrong and just be normal. Be as you would whenever anyone comes to the house and let things just be.

Ridiculous. Not disillusioned. Bloody auto correct.

When you get resistence it's time to stop pushing

Leave them to it. If you see her around in the house then be warm and welcoming, complimentary (where appropriate) but otherwise leave them to it.

A heartfelt "it's always nice to see you" or "you know you're welcome anytime" always helps.

OP, back off! You are far too over-invested.

You've done nothing wrong. It's not as if you've slagged her off or anything. They're both very young and immature, and when they grow up a bit - assuming the relationship lasts, which is unlikely - they'll get over themselves and realise it's in their interests to make an effort. She won't stay offended forever.

Oh @Gearedtoyou, I feel your pain. I met DH (of 30plus years) when he was 20 and I still can't forget the ONE time I overheard his DM say "I didn't realise Crunched was here all weekend". I was so sensitive at that age. Now as a parent of adult DC, I can see that to DH's parents I was likely to be a flash in the pan and not in their lives for the rest of their days!
Learning from this I have always been positive and welcoming to every partner (a struggle sometimes) but, for you, that boat has sailed.
Please, to avoid the difficult relationship I have sometimes had with MIL, talk directly to your DS's girlfriend. She is an adult. Tell her how much happiness you would get from her feeling welcome in your house and tell her that your DS got it wrong about you not liking her. Be upfront, treat her like you would any other adult.

We have some polarised dynamics relationship wise in our family. I have siblings that met their partners at 17/18 and are still married and together 40 odd years later, some that didn't have any relationships until their 30s and some in-between.

So, whilst 20 year old DS and his girlfriend may split (most likely at the end of Uni I would think) it's also completely feasible that they have met their life partner and his girlfriend might be in our lives permanently. So, in any scenario, there is time for taking it slowly and not working too hard with it.

I've said to DS that she is always welcome and that he should assume that any invite extended to him is for them both but we obviously understand that she might not always want to come. It seems to be working and she is joining us for a few meals over the festive period.

In the nicest way…. He is 20yrs old!! You need to stay out of it and let them come to you. You will end up pushing them further away if you keep meddling. I don’t think I met my boyfriend’s parents even after a year at that age. Give them space

You need to step back and let them get on with it. They will learn from their own mistakes and realise they need to maintain their own interests, but they have to come to that conclusion themselves. They’re old enough to make their own mistakes and live with the consequences.

Don’t get involved.

I think some posters are forgetting that teens in this age group have not had a normal introduction to adult life. you have 18 year olds that never got into a pub to celebrate their birthdays, no night clubs, no proper socialising, school/college/uni from their bedrooms, everything on-line etc. Not able to go visit their friends in their houses for long periods.

As a consequence I think this cohort are a bit "younger" than normal, in general.

Ah no, op, you’ve done good! Because your primary relationship is with your son, and that’s for the long haul. And when this gf is finished, and when he’s grown up, he’ll realise his mum was on his side and trying words of wisdom. And he’ll remember his mum welcomed his first gf and his first gf refused to be welcomed.
You’re fine!
He’s deep in his own loop at the moment, but that will fade and he’ll come up for air eventually. And you’ll be there. Good on you!

You're getting OP confused with the poster whose DS is only 16 and has the girlfriend from hell.

No, I’m not. This OP has posted about her son and this girl on multiple occasions.

It would be interesting to know how many people telling me how awful I am actually have adult children
Oh OP you are not awful, just treading the minefield of adult child relationships.
I know your DS is 20 but it's not unusual for young men not to have a girlfriend before that. My DS was 22 before he had a proper GF.
I totally get what you were doing. I think you were probably trying to treat her as you would have one of his school friends.
My elder DS has had lots of GFs and I have bent over backwards to welcome them and l think on the whole succeeded. Younger DS only brought a girl home for the first time recently.

As others have said the chances are that it won't last (and before you know it he'll have a broken heart). The thing is it might. You read some venomous tales from DIL on MN that I am terrified to put a foot wrong. Fortunately that hasn't happened so far and I think I have a good relationship with both GFs.

In your case it hasn't gone smoothly. I suspect she is immature and still at the rebellious stage? I think I would be honest with DS and tell him you are sad that she has got the wrong impression. You realise now that maybe you were trying too hard and it went wrong. She is always welcome anytime and you would love it if he brought her home at any time.