How am I going to fix this "DIL" issue?

[Gearedtoyou]

I've tried too hard and really messed it up, I accept that. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but also can't leave things as they are.

DS1's first serious GF. He's 20, she's just 18. They've been seeing each other practically every day and on the phone all night for about 6 months.

I've been concerned. They seemed to get very intense very quickly, I've tried to suggest to DS that it would do them both good to have some separate interests and that it's important to still see their own friends. Not only has it fallen on deaf ears, he's taken it to mean I don't like her.

That's not true, I hardly know her, but he likes her, he's always been good at choosing his friends, I have no reason to think she's anything but lovely. Everything I've heard about her seems good, it's just the way they have no life apart from each other. My only concern is that she's very young and they literally do nothing apart, but that's not about her personally.

Anyway I should have kept my thoughts to myself because he's talked to her about this and now she thinks I don't like her.

It all came to head this weekend. Sensing a reluctance to spend any time at our house, I suggested an evening out doing an activity (ie rather than just having to sit and chat). This was before I realised anyone thought I didn't like her. I genuinely thought I was doing a nice thing.

The invitation was accepted, DS seemed pleased. I checked again before booking, then booked and paid for it.

On the day, I got a message via DS that a family thing had come up for her so she wouldn't be able to attend. I felt this was rude as she'd already committed.

Anyway it transpired eventually that she'd refused to come because "you don't like her".

As I said I completely accept I've messed up and I don't want to make the same mistake again, but I do need to do something to make us all comfortable in each other's (occasional) company.

I've said to DS that I'm very sorry I've made anyone feel like that, it's not true, if she makes him happy then she's brilliant afaic and that I'll drop it until they're ready but...

Stop pushing her into meeting/sitting with you she doesn't want a meal or or todo activities with you she wants to spend time with your ds. Leave them to it no 20 year old wants their mum poking there nose into there business.

@MiddleParking

OP you’ve posted about your son and this girl so many times now. You’re projecting so much onto her, it’s incredibly unfair, she’s just a kid.

You're getting OP confused with the poster whose DS is only 16 and has the girlfriend from hell.

Apparently, my DS's GF quite likes me and is spending more and more time here.

From the outset, I decided that I wasn't going to move my lips unless it was to say something positive about her, that I was going to MYOB, and when it was birthdays, Christmas, etc. include her with a small gift.

Seems to be working out so far.

Step back, OP, and stop thinking of it as an issue to be fixed. It's totally normal for them to spend a lot of time together and totally normal that they don't want to hang out with you very much (nothing personal, just a limit to how much time an 18yo girl wants to spend with her Bf's mum!)

Is it possible that you feel a bit left out given that your son seems to enjoy spending time with her family? It must be very hard especially as you have lost your DH. Was that recent?

I don't think it can be fixed by trying to engineer things so that you all spend more time together. I would suggest filling your life with some more fun things that are just for you- seeing friends, hobbies, whatever it is that you like. If you feel more relaxed about DS and his girlfriend and the whole arrangement it may be that you all naturally find a way to get on and spend time together, without having to feel you are forcing it.

It sounds a tricky situation and you have my sympathy.

I agree with leaving them to it but I also think it’s incredibly rude to accept invitations and then pull out multiple times and if she were my daughter I’d be letting her know that.

Your son seems to be enjoying all this doesn't he? Ignore them both and act like you don't care...

Ah Op, I would just leave it now.

Actually I don't think you have done anything wrong. Most parents raise an eye brow when their kids become besotted with one another - you just vocalised it

Yes she is young but I think she is showing immaturity here - unless your DS has made it sound a lot worse than it is. And yes refusing to come after the ticket was bought was rude.

It was a misunderstanding, don't beg or cajole to rectify anything. Just leave them too it.

Oh my goodness you’re one of those… they aren’t children!!

I wonder if you’re more transparent than you think IRL. You sound quite controlling and involved…

Young relationships are like this - don’t you remember?

You need to learn to back off, relax and allow your son to be independent before you become on those MILs. What if they actually remain together, get married and have children? This could affect your relationships with your grandchildren

I’m only saying this because my FIL is like you, made me feel like I wasn’t liked and the relationship became forced. unfortunately for him I married his son (we started dating when he was 21 and I was 19!). It does affect the relationship he has with our children now.

So yes, please relax. And don’t hide behind potential “he said she said” - be brutally honest and own the fact you messed up.

“Sorry for the previous misunderstanding, I’m just an over protective mum. You make my son really happy - fancy a cuppa?”

In actually inviting her for meals, you've made it a 'thing', with a run up period for her to get stressed about.
The secret is to offer and provide a meal while she's already at your house. Keep it super casual and unthreatening, and 'of the moment'.

I get the unfairness. It's so much harder to provide that casual family warmth and involvement when there's only you and him. Her house presumably has two parents and siblings, so it all feels much more casual and informal, and conversation is easier as he's not the focus of attention in the way that she would be at yours. As a widow myself, I totally get how much harder it must seem for you, and how frustrating.

It's hard OP. My DS is 20, he met his GF (19) at Uni and they've ben together for 2 years, but between lock down and them living away and her being quite shy, we haven't gotten to know her that well. I think it's quite difficult as they were only together about 3 months when they lock down happened and they were apart for months on end and then when they went back to Uni, they shared a flat but couldn't really go out socialising very much. So, they still live together but have never got into a habit of going out for proper dates and don't have a big circle of friends. And also there is that new relationship infatuation that we all went through.

They both came away with us on holiday for a few days in the summer and we've visited and gone out for meals etc. I only have boys so feel a little unsure myself about younger women. She seems lovely and my son is happy so a similar situation to you but you are earlier into it.

I would just keep reiterating that you'd like to get to know her better and that you are happy that he seems to have chosen a lovely girl and you trust his judgement. I think you maybe just stepped in with the "need to see your own friends too" a bit too early into the relationship.

@LuluBlakey1

She is not your 'DIL' . She is your son's first girlfriend. Ask her round for her tea before they go out.

Oh give over, you’re missing the point

@Gearedtoyou
I'm with you 100%, I've posted before about their relationship and been slated.
Yes he's 19, but he's my baby!
His girlfriend is a nice girl but very shy/ quiet. Which makes it hard to get to know her.
As I said, I've backed off and shut up. Hoping the less I say the sooner they sort themselves out one way or another. He knows I'm here if he needs me.

@Phyllidakettle

Keep your nose out off their relationship and let them get on with it. It’s nothing to do with you how much time they spend together.

But be prepared, when/if it all goes tits up, to be told here that you should be very involved in 'supporting' your son! You can't win.

@ElephantOfRisk love this insight! You sound really balanced and fair

When I was the young and new “DIL” - my FIL told my DH “don’t rush into a long term relationship with her” …. It was an awful thing to know. Felt like I was never good enough for the family.

Now I’m 36 and still struggle with those feelings. It’s just such a forced relationship between us. I struggle to relax around him knowing he thought I wasn’t good enough for his son.

I love my MIL though (her and FIL are divorced). She was so chuffed to have a new young DIL to chat to! She lives abroad and yet we used to text, play Words with Friends together & have holidays together. Just felt so welcomed and valued from Day 1.

@ittakes2

Ask her out for a coffee by herself. It will always be awkward unless you can have a one-to-one face-to-face conversation.

I would have burst into flames if 18 year old me had been expected to have coffee with my boyfriend's mother.

She was a vicar and literally all I was doing was having filthy sex with her son.

Seriously, don't do that. She doesn't need to have a relationship with you.

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar this made me laugh!!

Me too @BlameItOnTheBlackStar

Op, my sons aren't adults yet, so no real advice but wanted to say that it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. Stop beating yourself up over it and just back off a little.

I'm sure it'll all be ok in the end as you sound like a loving mum and your DS will hopefully appreciate that you only have his best interests at heart.

She seems really immature and if that’s how she deals with people they won’t last long. Just get on with your life. You’ve apologised as much as you need to.

Oh gosh, he's 20, not 8. At 20 I was living away at uni renting a house with a bunch of friends, we all had bfs who we pretty much spent most our time with whether round at our house or theirs. A few of us actually went on to marry. I can't imagine at 20 my mother telling me I was spending too much time with a bf, how odd. I'd assume you don't like me too if you were my boyfriends mother. I bet you'll be a nightmare mother in law one day, overinvolved sticking your nose in!

You are way too invested! They are literally kids … they want to do their own thing together, not be meeting family and sharing days/meals/fun with them!

Do nothing, leave them to it.

I feel bad for her. My first boyfriend's parents didn't seem to like me. In hindsight, they were quite religious so I guess it was more a case of not wanting anything to "happen" that was "untoward" and being over protective of their son rather than a dislike of me as a person, but it definitely put me off (we were dating from the ages of 15-19).

I stopped going to his house because I wasn't going to willingly go somewhere in my free time where I felt disliked. It was beginning of the end of the relationship for me and I ended it eventually, despite being together in the end upwards of 4 years.

Please don't be that meddling parent. He is twenty years old, not 14. At 20 I was in the middle of my degree, working part time in a bar, dating freely and honestly, not disclosing much at all about who I was seeing/dating/sleeping with to my parents. I was an adult and was absolutely capable of managing my time how I liked. And guess what? I did very well in my degree, was promoted in my job while studying, I didn't get pregnant and 'throw my life' away and I was relatively happy. I even had enough money saved to go travelling around Europe after my degree ended. I didn't need my mum to interfere and tell me how to live my life.

So, please. Back off. Stop with the obsessive 'family' activities, etc. They're in their late teens/early twenties, chances are they don't want to hang around with X's mum. You're just putting pressure on them and making their relationship have issues, just because you can't take the hint and step back.

At 18 I would have been horrified at being expected to do dinner or some activity with a boyfriends parents - leave them alone .

I’m sorry op but you have probably come across to the gf as one of them “boy mums” who feel no girl is good enough for their little boy.

When I was 18 I used to go to my bfs watch Netflix and have sex, 9times out of ten it was my bf who actively encouraged me up the stairs away from his family 🤣 I think it’s a natural thing for his gf and your son to be closer to her parents because girls normally want their family’s approval as to who they are dating where as boys don’t care so much what the family thinks.

Get her a little something for Christmas and just be civil when she comes over that’s all you can do stop inviting her out places it will just be so so awkward.

Oh, we had a week of this when DS's gf came to stay with us for a week. They do seem to be a bit thin-skinned, but it's probably lack of confidence.

They seem determined to misinterpret anything you say so don't say anything more. If the opportunity crops up explain to your DS that of course you don't dislike her (as you've never met her) and say that she is welcome anytime. Then step right back and leave them to it.

A lot of harsh comments on this thread.

OP it must be hard watching your son being happy to spend time in another family, especially with the girlfriends dad when you have lost your husband.
I can totally see why you are struggling & prob feel like you are losing your son also.

Maybe explain that to him & see what he says. He needs to sort things out.
Take care.