DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

This sounds really upsetting, I'm sorry.

Can I just check, when she says you've had more of her "time" does she mean childcare or just that you've visited more?

The only reason I ask that is because I can see childcare has a monetary value whereas social time doesn't.

This happened to a friend of mine from work but her 2 brothers shared everything 3 ways so it was ok in the end, is that likely?

At least she has told you now rather than it being a surprise after she passes away.

I can really see how this hurts even though she is probably doing what she feels is most helpful . It’s hard not to feel less loved or valued; have you told her how it’s made you feel?
Personally if ever I didn’t think was right to treat children differently (in any respect, not just here) I would always want to check they understood my good reasons for it and didn’t feel less loved or valued as a result . Good communication can really help

I mean if I did think it was right to treat them differently! I’d want to make sure they understood enough that weren’t hurt

Sometimes parents do this if others are more comfortable financially, it doesn't make it right but utilmately it's her decision.

Personally, I’d leave it a few days, let the shock of what she said wear off a bit, get your thoughts clear and then chat to her about it. If you’re a close family and you don’t want a rift then I think hopefully you should be able to articulate your feelings and she should take them onboard and respond without a big fallout. I think she does value you because if she didn’t, she could have just not mentioned it and let you find out when she dies. What did you respond today?

Oh I'm so sorry OP. I had a similar experience this year and it was heartbreaking. Honestly, I got counselling as it started to consume me - the first and last thought I had each day. I've put a lot of distance between me and my family now which helps. Big hugs.

You are 4 times better off than your siblings. So they need the money you don't.

@ijustwannabepartofyoursymphony. Both. But we have a nanny and I use babysitters as much as possible. She sees the DC a lot, and often has them at the weekend if I need to go shopping etc, but has always been very willing to do this and I've been very happy that my DC have such a close relationship with their DGM. I've left them with her because everyone seemed happy with the arrangement, not because I was totally stuck for childcare and had no other choice.

Chances are also as her daughter, it will be expected that you will take care of her when/if her health declines. Personally I would be letting others know now that this wouldn't be happening.

Look on the bright side, if she goes into a care home the house will be sold to pay for her care, thus reducing their money. Whereas you would have already had whatever you want from inside the house.

This happened to my DP - it's heartbreaking.

It's not about money, it's about love. It's the final thing someone does in their life and it feels like a huge two fingers tbh, like you're not worth as much as the others.

In his family it's caused real strain and things have never been the same again.

[quote Wisforwater]@ijustwannabepartofyoursymphony. Both. But we have a nanny and I use babysitters as much as possible. She sees the DC a lot, and often has them at the weekend if I need to go shopping etc, but has always been very willing to do this and I've been very happy that my DC have such a close relationship with their DGM. I've left them with her because everyone seemed happy with the arrangement, not because I was totally stuck for childcare and had no other choice.[/quote]
Oh wow, I can see that this would really, really smart then. Are your brothers destitute? If not, to whoever said OP is 4 x better off, maybe she is now but things can change.

The only way this would be ok would be if you had won the lottery or something, it’s really unfair.
It’s not about the money it’s about saying you aren’t as important . Unfortunately you can’t say anything or you will look grabby

@Viviennemary

You are 4 times better off than your siblings. So they need the money you don't.

Agree. She's putting the money where it will make the most difference, I'd guess.

@Viviennemary

You are 4 times better off than your siblings. So they need the money you don't.

Oh, come on. For one thing, this may change. Health problems, redundancy, divorce could affect anyone.

@myheartskippedabeat 2 might, 1 DB definitely won't.

@Retrievemysanity I just cried. It came on the back of something at work today that also made me feel totally undervalued, so the timing wasn't great, but that wasn't DM's fault.

@Viviennemary I'm not disputing that, but I can't help feel less valued as a result.

OP didn't actually say she was 4 x better off.

She said of her and her siblings:

We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. "

We don't know what OP's overheards are. She has a nanny, maybe she works f/t as well as her partner, lives in an expensive area with massive mortgage and the brothers all live somewhere cheaper with one working parent and one SAH.

All that can change, with time.

Income isn't necessarily 'better off' just different choices.

@Viviennemary

You are 4 times better off than your siblings. So they need the money you don't.

This. You don't need the money, you're siblings have less than you. She's not cut you out, she's said no financial but you can have belongings.

I'm so sorry OP, that is so upsetting. People forget that a parent leaving an estate to their children is often interpreted by them as a sign of their love/the value they had to them. To cut you out is heartbreaking. And the bigger income - well I knew a guy years ago whose mother left everything to his sister because he had a big job. He lost the job, got involved in a bad investment, lost his family home ... things change.

I would equally be deeply hurt that she was keeping a running tab on how often she saw her grandchildren and attributing a monetary value to that - in fact I'd be more upset at that. I live in another country to my parents and sibling so they saw my sibling's children way more often than mine and did provide a day a week childcare at one point and a lot of babysitting. when they visited me they didn't. I would have been so upset for my sister if they had then decided they needed to compensate me in some way for that. It is reducing their interaction with grandchildren to pounds shillings and pence and is awful.

If it were my mother I would have to say something to her about the impact her decision has on me - like a pp said, wait a bit to calm down.

My sister and I had our ups and downs and ins and outs but it was always clear that anything my parents had left was between the two of us and we fell over ourselves to make sure the other got as fair a bit of the china/rings/whatever.

Does your mother really want to sow this kind of rancour among her children after her death?

In leaving you the belongings has she also left you the shitwork of cleaning out her home so that your brothers are free to sell it empty?

She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially.

I’m sorry. That would really sting. It seems like your siblings are being financially rewarded for choosing not to spend time with her.

I’d have been tempted in the moment to blurt out “oh right, I’ll stop bothering with you too, then you might think I’m also worthy of a share of everything”. So I’m probably not the best person to give advice on what you should do .

@canigooutyet my looking after her in old age is a given. We moved for this eventuality. She is an amazing mum and I will do everything I can for her as she gets older irrespective of her will. Today it just really hurts.

It also sends a message out to the other siblings that they don't have to bother trying to improve their earnings because of the inheritance. Or will she change it yet again if their finances improve?