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Original poster

DM has cut me out of her will

425 replies

Wisforwater · 16/11/2021 21:02

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

OP posts:
Imissmoominmama · 17/11/2021 10:40

OP, could it be that your mum sees her personal effects as of more sentimental value, which is why she’s left them to the child she’s closest to?

HopeHappy · 17/11/2021 10:48

I would be hurt too OP. I can see a similar situation developing in my family. One couple are doing well financially and their sibling is doing well also, but not AS well, IYSWIM. I can envisage their DP trying to balance the inequality in the finances by gifting more to the sibling.

I can see it from both sides. The couple I know don't need the money and it would help the sibling's family and enable them to buy a slightly bigger home, but it would also seem that they were being punished for their success by not being given a share and that's even in a scenario when both sides are actually managing fine financially without any inheritance.

It almost makes me glad I'm an only child with parents that don't have a lot!

caringcarer · 17/11/2021 10:56

I think it would be Impossible not to feel less loved and valued. Your Mum has shown you she cares less about you than your brother's. It is a horrible thing to do. If that was me I would be putting distance between me and her. Better you found out now than after her death. I know a person this happened to and they combined before Covid only earned about £10k more than her sibling. Now her DH lost his job during Covid pandemic and they are worse off than her sibling and have to make do with UC top ups. She has never been to her Mum's grave after her death and she is no longer in touch with her sibling. Unequal inheritance often means siblings lose touch after death of parent. My Mum left all of us exactly the same 1/5 of her estate. We helped each other through grief and are very close.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 17/11/2021 10:56

OP, could it be that your mum sees her personal effects as of more sentimental value, which is why she’s left them to the child she’s closest to?

Unless the OP's mum has a Van Gogh on the wall, I'd say that leaving all the personal effects to her daughter is another kick in the teeth. DH is having to empty his DM's bungalow at the moment and it is a horrible thing to have to do (especially when like him both siblings are dead so it all falls to him). Sifting through the clothes and all the bloody stationary and crap is soul destroying, getting rid of furniture is a complete ball ache but he feels he has to do it to find those precious sentimental items like photos.

But at least we now appear to have a lifetime supply of bin bags, cling film and tin foil.

Honestly OP, your mum is not amazing.

DontBeCatty · 17/11/2021 10:57

Assuming no issues such as disabilities then I think wills should be split evenly regardless of how well off children are and also regardless of the relationship between the children and parents.
I don’t think how much one sibling gets on with or cares for a parent should make any difference.
I’m much closer to my parents than my siblings and I will do all the caring. I don’t expect a penny more because of it. Also one of my siblings is a really nasty piece of work and causes my parents a lot of heartache when he does speak to them. They still think it’s right to leave their money equally and I’ve encouraged them to do this too,
I think it’s the right thing to do.

caringcarer · 17/11/2021 11:14

My Gran gave all of my older sisters £100 for their 18th birthday. She got Alzheimer's and I did not get a 18th present from her. I understood but still felt upset but when my younger sister turned 18 and she gave her £100 I felt kicked in the teeth. I never felt close to my Gran after that. It felt like deep down she didn't love me as much. My Auntie knew what had happened and gave me the £100 but I never spent it and just dumped it in bank.

Sparkletastic · 17/11/2021 11:25

I can appreciate how upset you must feel OP. I wonder if your mother's decision is partly fuelled by guilt at how much closer she is to you and your DCs than to your DBs?

Papierfroisse · 17/11/2021 11:26

@caringcarer

I think it would be Impossible not to feel less loved and valued. Your Mum has shown you she cares less about you than your brother's. It is a horrible thing to do. If that was me I would be putting distance between me and her. Better you found out now than after her death. I know a person this happened to and they combined before Covid only earned about £10k more than her sibling. Now her DH lost his job during Covid pandemic and they are worse off than her sibling and have to make do with UC top ups. She has never been to her Mum's grave after her death and she is no longer in touch with her sibling. Unequal inheritance often means siblings lose touch after death of parent. My Mum left all of us exactly the same 1/5 of her estate. We helped each other through grief and are very close.
Then more fool that person - to choose to lose her family over this. That's kicking yourself in the teeth - not the behaviour of a real adult imv.
Papierfroisse · 17/11/2021 11:28

@rhowton

I would be cutting my DM off immediately, if she did this. No way would I want anything to do with her. I would leave my brother to enjoy his money and help care for my DM in her old age. I would be absolutely furious and I would let it be known.
After everything the OP's mother has been and done for OP and her family? That would be despicable - and you'd be harming yourself and your children at the same time.
mehface · 17/11/2021 12:22

I don't know, but couldn't your brothers agree to pay you a share anyway, as it seems strange as you haven't fallen out with your DM? I know you can contest a will, but who is the executors? Would they be shocked by your DM decision and be happy to share with you ?

itiswhatitisandalwayswillbe · 17/11/2021 12:41

Perhaps she should drop you all from the will and leave it to a dogs home if you are all so comfortably well off.
Blimey how the other half live eh 😐

Papierfroisse · 17/11/2021 12:58

@mehface

I don't know, but couldn't your brothers agree to pay you a share anyway, as it seems strange as you haven't fallen out with your DM? I know you can contest a will, but who is the executors? Would they be shocked by your DM decision and be happy to share with you ?
This is completely insane. 1) There is not the tiniest of tiny chances that OP could contest this will. That's only possible if eg. you are a disabled adult child totally reliant on the deceased parent. 2) The brothers might share their inheritance if OP's mother had treated OP really badly in not leaving her money. But as OP is far far better off than her brothers are, personally I think they should respect their mother's clear-headed and reasonable decision to leave her money to people who are less mega rich than OP and her husband are. Some of these posts are really toxic.
TrufflesAndToast · 17/11/2021 13:23

I hope you feel good @farfetched that multiple posters have said that this thread would have been a really helpful resource for them to use to demonstrate their feelings and try and repair fractured family relationships, had it not been so spectacularly detailed by your loony and utterly nasty ranting.

I agree with a PP that you’re only so aggrieved that your DM wasn’t able to fulfil her wishes because her wishes were apparently to give everything to you. Funny that Confused

saraclara · 17/11/2021 13:27

@caringcarer

My Gran gave all of my older sisters £100 for their 18th birthday. She got Alzheimer's and I did not get a 18th present from her. I understood but still felt upset but when my younger sister turned 18 and she gave her £100 I felt kicked in the teeth. I never felt close to my Gran after that. It felt like deep down she didn't love me as much. My Auntie knew what had happened and gave me the £100 but I never spent it and just dumped it in bank.
She had Alzheimer's. Surely she simply forgot? And remembered when it was your sisters turn? Memory comes and goes with Alzheimer's. I wouldn't see it as a slur at all.
Wildrobin · 17/11/2021 13:54

Saraclara I agree with poster above that isn’t your Gran’s fault. It seems sad to adjust your view of her due to £100!

BlippityHiggut · 17/11/2021 14:08

My grandad was quite well off.
He had 6 children. He left the 3 poorest/ with biggest families £7000 each and the other 3 £1000. It did cause quite a bit of upset. He felt they needed the boost more. Yes it was 7 x as much, nobody knew until he died and there was a lot of arguments from the others. It wasn't anything to do with favourites, my mother was one of his poorer children and rarely saw him, he openly said he was ashamed because she was a single mother. But it made a difference to the less well off children, and it wouldn't have done so much for the others.
Maybe I'm going to get flamed, but I can understand the logic.

Piggyk2 · 17/11/2021 14:18

@BlippityHiggut I'm not flaming as you said it was your Gdad. Surely if someone is in desperate need you would give then some money whilst alive and tell them not to say anything. Like you said it causes arguments... as a parent I think it's definitely wrong and I wouldn't be able to give one without the other.

GnomeDePlume · 17/11/2021 18:19

Unless the OP's mum has a Van Gogh on the wall, I'd say that leaving all the personal effects to her daughter is another kick in the teeth. DH is having to empty his DM's bungalow at the moment and it is a horrible thing to have to do (especially when like him both siblings are dead so it all falls to him). Sifting through the clothes and all the bloody stationary and crap is soul destroying, getting rid of furniture is a complete ball ache but he feels he has to do it to find those precious sentimental items like photos.

This resonates with me. Personal possessions dont always have sentimental value. My DM's will is likely to bypass her DCs and leave her estate to her DGCs. Her prerogative but DBs and I are going to be executors so we will be stuck with clearing her bungalow. Knowing my DBs they will flap around uselessly for an hour then DH and I will be left with the work.

DM's possessions have no sentimental value so the whole lot will likely go in a skip.

bluelemming · 17/11/2021 18:30

I would be very upset too, OP.

LanaDelBoy · 17/11/2021 18:44

DH is having to empty his DM's bungalow at the moment and it is a horrible thing to have to do (especially when like him both siblings are dead so it all falls to him).

Sorry @Sweetpeasaremadeforbees but... what? (Re the bit I've underlined) Confused Flowers

HyacynthBucket · 17/11/2021 18:49

sweetpeasaremadeforbees
That is exactly what happened to me. I can't hear the words 'personal effects' without coming out in a sweat. It took me two years of horrendous work to clear my DM's house. When those words were used in her will, she had intended it to mean for me to have her jewelry as her only daughter. But it was stolen when she died, and I was left with absolutely everything else in the house to deal with including full sheds and outbuildings. I found it almost impossible for several reasons. It was a nightmare that she had not meant to happen. Brothers refused to help, though one lived nearby and I did not. After my massive clearout of the house, they rented it out.

Sunsetttt · 17/11/2021 19:05

Op I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be upset by this. We’re in a position where DH and his sibling will inherit. Dh’s sibling does not need the money - not in the slightest - I don’t even know what he’d do with it, as it would be a drop in the ocean.

We will need the money as we’re self employed and it’ll be pension contributions. But I would hate it (and it’s not even my sibling) if we got more. If would feel unequal and unfair and I would be really uncomfortable around dh’s sibling as a consequence.

Oh, and dh’s sibling doesn’t even live in the country and will not be looking after mil in her old age, that will be us (me).

Malibuismysecrethome · 17/11/2021 19:28

Maybe the Op has worked 4 x’s as hard as her siblings. Strongly suspect this has happened in my family. Does anyone have a lot of influence and does she have a favourite by any chance.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 17/11/2021 19:34

(especially when like him both siblings are dead so it all falls to him).

Sorry, I worded it badly. I meant, both his siblings died a few years ago so he's dealing with all the care home organisation and bungalow sale on his own. Thank you for the flowers.

Muddlebubble · 17/11/2021 19:44

This is really upsetting to read. There are 3 siblings myself my sister and my brother.

My mum past a few weeks ago, before she was ill abd during me and my mum did everything together, she wasnt old and was taken very quickly and unfairly, i nursed my mum through her ilness and did it all.

My sister although lives 5 minutes away works full time, my brother lives in another country abd is EXTREMELY well off. Im probaly financially worse off out of all 3 of us.

My mum rightly so left us all the same, there is absolutely no way she would do that to any of us, and if by some mad moment she did we would split 3 ways regardless. Very very sad and im sorry you have to go through this