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Original poster

DM has cut me out of her will

425 replies

Wisforwater · 16/11/2021 21:02

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

OP posts:
Capferret · 16/11/2021 21:51

I'm sorry OP but an amazing mum wouldn't do this.
She's at the very least naive and lacking in sensitivity.
I have 2 dc and one will almost certainly be better off than the other but I will always treat them equally.
They've had the same opportunities in life and I love them both absolutely. I would never want either of them to feel less loved.
As other pp's have said circumstances change.
Are you the only girl?
My dm has a soft spot for my brothers but her will is fair and equal.

Original poster
Wisforwater · 16/11/2021 21:54

@frumpety of course they would benefit from £300k (as would we benefit from £250k), but we are talking about 2nd home/huge extension/paying off the mortgage/new top of the range car/retiring early type of benefit not being able to meet the bills at the end of the month or pay for ballet lessons type of benefit.

OP posts:
BudrosBudrosGalli · 16/11/2021 21:54

In that case, though the others can provide the care. She can choose to not leave you a fair share but surely it should not be expected of you to be a martyr. That's on you then.

Cop26CopOut · 16/11/2021 21:55

@Capferret I totally agree with you. I would never do this to my kids but my mum is about to do it to me. All her money is going to my two brothers because “they need it more” apparently Sad.

It’s damaged our relationship so much.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 16/11/2021 21:55

This is so hard. My mother always insisted on treating my sister and I completely equally and would tell me my sister needed her support more than I did. Despite the fact that my sister, who lives closer and does not work, never did a damn thing for her and my mother would cry at times about why my sister did not care about her. Whereas I would be expected to do all the care for my mother including getting up in the middle of the night on work days to drive over and help her if there were any problems. It is not that I expected a medal for scrubbing shit off a mattress at 5am. But it did feel monumentally unfair and still does. I don't know what the answer is, but I totally get why you are hurt.

Original poster
Wisforwater · 16/11/2021 21:55

@frumpety one DB would definitely say she is amazing, not sure about the other 2.

OP posts:
Coffeeonmytoffee · 16/11/2021 21:56

Tell her

HalfHope · 16/11/2021 21:58

my looking after her in old age is a given. We moved for this eventuality

Wis was your mother's care in her later years ever discussed as a family or were you just expected to move house to be closer to provide care?

canigooutyet · 16/11/2021 22:00

It's also a possibility that in the coming years you decide to move for work reasons, to be close to your own adult children etc. Just because you live nearer at the moment doesn't mean this will be the case in the coming years.

frumpety · 16/11/2021 22:01

@frumpety of course they would benefit from £300k (as would we benefit from £250k), but we are talking about 2nd home/huge extension/paying off the mortgage/new top of the range car/retiring early type of benefit not being able to meet the bills at the end of the month or pay for ballet lessons type of benefit.

So a life changing amount for all of you ? But for some reason your amazing Mum doesn't think you deserve it. Has she been visited by any of your other siblings recently, especially either of the two who might not think she is amazing ?

Comedycook · 16/11/2021 22:01

If it was me, I wouldn't look after her when the time comes...as for her belongings, well that just sounds like a load of clutter to sort through... hardly compensation.

GreenClock · 16/11/2021 22:02

So you’re expected to care for her in old age and when she’s dead, shift the old crap from her house before your brothers get to sell it and pocket the proceeds? Okaaay…..

I wouldn’t be agreeing to that OP. You’re being taken for a mug. I’m sorry that this is happening to you.

Yuledo · 16/11/2021 22:02

I don’t blame you for feeling side lined. It’s what it represents rather than the actual money.

Can’t you ask her to leave your share directly to your children if she feels you don’t need it.

pippapoo62 · 16/11/2021 22:04

My father told me the same last month ,that he is leaving his house to his son because myself and my two sisters don't need the money.
Then today (holds breathe ) that he has now decided that my brother no longer needs the money and he is going to give it all to dog rescues.
Funnily six months ago the Will was 25% each sibling. It's my dads money and he can do what he wants with it but it's the mind games that he plays, I have told him straight faced that he can leave his money to whoever he wants and I will make sure it happens (executives of his Will ) .

Pallisers · 16/11/2021 22:05

@OnFormbySands

Daisy Goodwin wrote about this once. The hurt caused by her mother's will.

When she died, Jocasta left Daisy a small legacy, but the overwhelming bulk of her estate was divided between Daisy’s brothers and sisters. In her will, Jocasta made it clear why she was doing this - not because she loved Daisy any less, but because the others had more need of an inheritance than Daisy.
Although Daisy could see the logic of her mother’s decision, she was very deeply hurt.

“When it happened I was… sideswiped, I think, is the only word. I realised that in a very primal way, I felt left out.” she wrote, “When a beloved parent dies, what is being parcelled out may look like goods and chattels, but it feels a lot like love.”

The same happened to Carly Simon - she came from a very well-off family (Simon and Schuster publishers I think) and then went on to earn a lot of money herself. It was made quite clear to her by her mother that she should waive her rights under the family trust and it really hurt her - she felt excluded.

Honestly, OP, your mother is NOT being an amazing mother right now - not to you, not to your brothers and not to her grandchildren. Is she really thinking this through? you provide all her elderly and end of life care but are excluded - along with your children - from her will? How does she imagine you and your brothers will deal with this? It always amazes me that people divide their children from each other like this.

Foolsrule · 16/11/2021 22:05

All any parent should do is split their assets equally, unless a child has special needs. Anything else is just cruel and bound to leave a trail of destruction and fractured sibling relationships in its wake.

Original poster
Wisforwater · 16/11/2021 22:07

@HalfHope wasn't discussed as a family. I wasn't expected to move. (She's completely fit and well right now and doesn't need any help at all) We moved because we've always had a close relationship and I wanted to share that with DC.

OP posts:
Capferret · 16/11/2021 22:07

@Cop26CopOut I'm so sorry.
I get upset because dm doesn't buy me Christmas gifts although she gets them for everyone else including cousins. My dm definitely puts me last but I know her will is fair and also my siblings would share if it wasn't.

Capferret · 16/11/2021 22:08

OP ask your dm how she would have felt if her own parents had cut her out of their will.

Myfriend · 16/11/2021 22:08

I’m baffled by those who think this should mean OP won’t want to help her mother in old age. No matter what my parents decide I owe them so much for the stability and goodness they’ve shown me all my life , and we’ve had a similar wobble of decisions causing a feeling of emotional rejection but they are free to do what they decide and I would never love them less after all they’ve done and given me. I’m glad OP the same and do feel for her though as her mum should have sought to check she understands her reasons and still feels as loved

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 16/11/2021 22:09

So you’re expected to care for her in old age and when she’s dead, shift the old crap from her house before your brothers get to sell it and pocket the proceeds? Okaaay…..

I wouldn’t be agreeing to that OP. You’re being taken for a mug. I’m sorry that this is happening to you.

This. I'm sorry but she really doesn't sound amazing to me. And she's clearly not considering how all this will affect your relationships with your brothers.

HalfHope · 16/11/2021 22:09

I can understand that Wis and I can see why you are so upset Flowers. Is it possible that she has a very 'traditional' view of how daughters take on roles in a family?

TrufflesAndToast · 16/11/2021 22:10

[quote Wisforwater]@canigooutyet my looking after her in old age is a given. We moved for this eventuality. She is an amazing mum and I will do everything I can for her as she gets older irrespective of her will. Today it just really hurts.[/quote]
Sorry OP but you are a complete doormat if you do this. She isn’t an amazing mum by any stretch of the imagination. No amazing parent would do this, it’s disgusting. Honestly that conversation would have been the last time she saw me or my children if she implied that there was some financial value in her presence. The relative CURRENT financial position of all her kids is entirely irrelevant. There are very very few circumstances where cutting one child out of your will is in any way reasonable. I’m astounded that you plan to give up more of your life to care for someone who has told you quite how much they value you. Honestly, you’re utterly mad and sorry but perhaps lacking in some self respect?

saraclara · 16/11/2021 22:10

You really need to talk to her.

You've moved in order to care for her, and she seems to think that's a privilege rather than a favour? Surely if she's an amazing mum, she can see that it's totally unfair that the one of the four siblings who is prepared to care for her, is the one she's penalising in her will?

HalfHope · 16/11/2021 22:11

Perhaps she might downsize to a smaller, more manageable house and set aside money for a carer to live in with her.