DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

Make sure you talk to her about it, I didn't and questions go around and around in my head. X

I think it's also thoughtless for your siblings. They will probably want some pieces of her possessions to remind themselves of her - once she has gone, those will be the only things left.... and she has denied them of these too.

i am a lot better off than my 2 siblings. My parents (not wealthy but have a house with no mortgage worth about 150k) told me they planned to split everything 3 ways. I actually feel very uncomfortable with that as 50k (and even more so 75K) would be a life changing amount for both my siblings but not for me. I told my parents i would much prefer them to leave everything to them (with a small amount direct to my DC if they want). I honestly would feel terrible to take "my share" in these circumstances. I know i could disclaim the inheritance/agree a will variation but my brother at least would i think feel uncomfortable with this (my sister less so) -i.e. if my parents left it to him that would be one thing by taking the money from me would I think hurt his pride.

I think it is a difficult one either way.

Suggest that she doesn't get to see you and your children any more, and then for each year that goes on she can add a bit back onto your inheritance.

Also, as others have said, you are not responsible for caring for your mother. She can use her million pound home to pay for social care and your brothers can have a 3rd share of what little is left.

Honestly ? I think she has been 'got at' by another of your siblings, they see your move to be closer to her as a threat to their inheritance, so will have spun a yarn about how much better off you are and how much more time she spends with your children to get her to even the odds financially, whilst forgetting to add that they simply can't be arsed to spend time with her when it counts.

She could always leave you a smaller share, not cut you out completely!
Let her assets go to pay for her care, solves issue as then there#s nothing to inheret

That’s really hurtful, I’m so sorry OP. I think you’ve got every right to tell her you’re hurt.

@ijustwannabepartofyoursymphony

If she's an amazing Mum I really think you should be able to explain to her how hurtful this casual conversation has been for you to hear.

You could also add that she is potentially destroying your future relationship with your brothers. It may be that the OP has a 4x greater income, maybe she has worked 4x harder to use the opportunities all the children were given.

@WhyOhWine

i am a lot better off than my 2 siblings. My parents (not wealthy but have a house with no mortgage worth about 150k) told me they planned to split everything 3 ways. I actually feel very uncomfortable with that as 50k (and even more so 75K) would be a life changing amount for both my siblings but not for me. I told my parents i would much prefer them to leave everything to them (with a small amount direct to my DC if they want). I honestly would feel terrible to take "my share" in these circumstances. I know i could disclaim the inheritance/agree a will variation but my brother at least would i think feel uncomfortable with this (my sister less so) -i.e. if my parents left it to him that would be one thing by taking the money from me would I think hurt his pride.

I think it is a difficult one either way.

But that is your choice, and you could choose to gift your inheritance to your siblings yourself. Also you may not need it but your DC may be very grateful for it to pay for uni fees or towards a house (unless you are wealthy enough that you will be covering that anyway).

In my opinion your mother is far from amazing. She’s setting your family up to be divided and to fall out. It’s not even about the money.

I am much wealthier than both of my siblings even though they both have done well for themselves. If my parents didn’t split the inheritance equally, I’d be truly devastated. I’d feel unloved, quite frankly.
I caveat that by saying if they left a tenner, it wouldn’t matter a fig, I’d be happy they enjoyed their retirement. As long as the tenner was split equally. I also caveat that saying that it’s entirely possibly that I might give some of my portion of the inheritance to my siblings. I’d happily help them out if I felt like they needed it.

But ultimately we have all had the same opportunities, and because I choose a different, more financially rewarding career path doesn’t mean I should then feel less loved by them. Because that’s what it boils down to. How their actions make you feel.

@Capferret ..... OP ask your dm how she would have felt if her own parents had cut her out of their will

They did!!!! She was one of 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. One boy got the family business and the other got the family home and their second home. The girls got nothing, because they didn't 'need' it. The brother who got the property was married to a women with children from a previous relationship (and had no children of their own). All his inheritance has been siphoned off to her children. DM doesn't mind that one brother got the family business as no-one else wanted it, but she is still resentful that 1/2 the estate has gone to her BIL's step children.

You sound greedy. You are 4x better off than your siblings and still on the grab?? Why not let them get a hand up and realise how lucky you already are? I can’t imagine being money grabbing before my parents even passed! And at the end of the day.. it’s her money to do with what she wants.. you don’t need it so let it go to who does!

I get it hurts OP.

I am slightly more well off than my brother. I worked hard at my studying and got a decent job and a house. Whereas he moved from job to job. He lived beyond his means and racked up thousands of pounds of debt.

Mum has said the house will go to my brother as he needs it and we can share her ornaments. It stings as my whole life he has been treated as the golden child who could do no wrong.

Ah - so she's following the family tradition. So did she and her sister look after your grandparents as they grew older?

Beachbreak2411 she's not being greedy

`I think I would be informing your mum that this means that unfortunately she should not now expect any care from you if she needs it as she gets older, as the fact that you will be left nothing in the will means that there will be no financial cushion for you in case something goes wrong with your earning potential. That could be anything - your ill health, your children's ill health, your partner's if you have one. Changes in your area of work. As such, it means you will have to plan to continue working FT up to your planned retirement age, with no hope of an earlier retirement enabled by an inheritance. The knock-on effect will be that you won't have the time or energy to be anyone's carer.

You really need to talk to her about this. It's not just the money, it's the sense it creates that you are worthless when compared to your siblings.

If it's already been agreed that you will care for her in later years, you need to take into account the potential hit on your own earning power, and the cost associated with you having to live close to your mum. It can't be fair that you've been expected to up and move your entire life, and give up vast amounts of your time in the future, and do the backbreaking work of caring for an elderly person, just to maximise the profit for your siblings who won't lose their inheritance to care home fees.

An amazing mum doesn't make her daughter feel totally unvalued. An amazing mum does not set up her children for years of bitterness and acrimony after her death.

Ijustwannabepartofyoursymphony
That is just what happened to me. The only things of value were her jewelry that I was looking forward to having, as they were my GM's too, but they were stolen from the house around the time my mother died. The rest of her stuff (from nearly 60 years in the house) took two years of my life to clear (it was slow and torture for me for other reasons, as well as being some distance from my home). Neither brother would lift a finger to help, but waited till I had done, then it was sold and they did well out of it.

@HalfHope - the care of my DGP was pretty evenly split between DM and her sister and the 2 SILs

@Cyw2018

Suggest that she doesn't get to see you and your children any more, and then for each year that goes on she can add a bit back onto your inheritance.

Also, as others have said, you are not responsible for caring for your mother. She can use her million pound home to pay for social care and your brothers can have a 3rd share of what little is left.

Jesus this is cold and mercenary.

The OP has said she's been an amazing mother (apart from this obviously). Would people really cut off a much loved parent because they don't feel they're being adequately rewarded?

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Then take a huge step back. Let her sit with her decision. I think you sound like you have conned yourself into believing your relationship is one thing and actually it's not.

You also sound very eager to please and not make trouble. Why is she allowed to hurt you but you can't speak up?

Could this be her way of saying she doesn't want you to take advantage of free childcare as much.? If I were you I'd avoid "using" her again for a long time. Make a point. Apparently she thinks it's a big favour, not a nice win win where she gets time with GC and you get help.

You are taking second place to your dbs. She is telling you this now casually and cruelly. I think if she hasn't given any thought to how you feel that's even worse. She takes you for granted.

The least she could do is leave your dc an inheritance. I tell you now your dc will later be a bit forlorn when cousins have a house deposit or wedding costs paid and they don't because grandma left their dads money.

Inheritance has a huge impact on the family. It causes lasting rancour. I've never counted DPs money or expected to get much (they are "skiing": Spending the Kid's Inheritance!) I would still be very upset not to get equal share of what's left and share family home equally if not sold.

That must hurt OP, I understand. My DM told me earlier in the year that she is bypassing me in her will and and intends to leave “my share” of any potential inheritance directly to my children instead. We have a good relationship, but I’m not sure why she has chosen this and refuses to discuss it with me. It’s her business I guess, but I feel like she doesn’t trust me to do right by own children or something and that hurts

the care of my DGP was pretty evenly split between DM and her sister and the 2 SILs

I think you might let your three SILs know of this family tradition!

@WhyOhWine

i am a lot better off than my 2 siblings. My parents (not wealthy but have a house with no mortgage worth about 150k) told me they planned to split everything 3 ways. I actually feel very uncomfortable with that as 50k (and even more so 75K) would be a life changing amount for both my siblings but not for me. I told my parents i would much prefer them to leave everything to them (with a small amount direct to my DC if they want). I honestly would feel terrible to take "my share" in these circumstances. I know i could disclaim the inheritance/agree a will variation but my brother at least would i think feel uncomfortable with this (my sister less so) -i.e. if my parents left it to him that would be one thing by taking the money from me would I think hurt his pride.

I think it is a difficult one either way.

It's not difficult really. Your parents are doing the right thing in splitting 3 ways. It is absolutely the fairest way for everyone, unless your siblings have special needs and need extra care. No-one can plan for the future. There is absolutely no knowing if you might end up needing that share further down the line. Imagine how everyone would feel if you ended up hard up but your siblings had spent all their bigger share and couldn't help you out. Or what if one of them took the view that you'd turned yours down when you had the chance to take it and they had their savings earmarked for their own children or whatever.

Unless you are VASTLY better off than your siblings, and I mean properly "don't need to work" wealthy, then what about your children? In a way you're doing them out of the chance to share in that portion of money passed down from their grandparent.

Please do what your sensible parents want, and respect their wishes.

It sounds like you normally have a great relationship with your mum, so why don't you tell her. Say it upset you so much and that it's not about the money itself but that it felt like she didn't value you as much as your siblings. What's left in a will is a symbol of love.

Bear in mind that things change anyhow. My DPs were well off but all the money has gone on years of expensive, very comfortable care homes, so they have good quality of life as they get old and frail.