DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

Daisy Goodwin wrote about this once. The hurt caused by her mother's will.

When she died, Jocasta left Daisy a small legacy, but the overwhelming bulk of her estate was divided between Daisy’s brothers and sisters. In her will, Jocasta made it clear why she was doing this - not because she loved Daisy any less, but because the others had more need of an inheritance than Daisy.
Although Daisy could see the logic of her mother’s decision, she was very deeply hurt.

“When it happened I was… sideswiped, I think, is the only word. I realised that in a very primal way, I felt left out.” she wrote, “When a beloved parent dies, what is being parcelled out may look like goods and chattels, but it feels a lot like love.”

@ijustwannabepartofyoursymphony

In leaving you the belongings has she also left you the shitwork of cleaning out her home so that your brothers are free to sell it empty?

That's my thoughts!

She is an amazing mum and I will do everything I can for her as she gets older irrespective of her will.

Just make sure your brothers pull their weight.

@OnFormbySands thank you for this:

When it happened I was… sideswiped, I think, is the only word. I realised that in a very primal way, I felt left out.” she wrote, “When a beloved parent dies, what is being parcelled out may look like goods and chattels, but it feels a lot like love

@ijustwannabepartofyoursymphony. yes. one sibling might help with the house, the other 2, no.

I think that's a really shitty thing to do. It's like punching you in the face. So sorry and not surprised you're so upset.

If she's an amazing Mum I really think you should be able to explain to her how hurtful this casual conversation has been for you to hear.

I would be very upset in your place OP. I never understand why parents do this unless one dc is very vulnerable in some way and needs special provision. The only way to not hurt your children is to split everything equally.
I would talk to your Mum and tell her how much this has hurt you.

I think you need to have a talk with your mum about this and let her know how hurtful it feels. She’ll probably be upset that she has upset you but will be able to explain what she was thinking.

@Viviennemary

You are 4 times better off than your siblings. So they need the money you don't.

This. And you clearly do seem to think you’re entitled to the money. It’s up to your mum to divide her money as she sees fit. You earn four times what your siblings earn so what she plans to do makes sense. I can see why you’re offended but people shouldn’t assume when it comes to wills.

No doubt that it is very hurtful OP. My parents are different to your Mum - they 'will wave' as a threat in order to throw their weight around and get their way. It's very hurtful but I've decided that they are very screwed up. I expect nothing from them after they die and just wish they were happier in themselves.

Do you think she would have done this if you had been one of your brothers? It feels like the 'men' should have the money and the 'woman' should have the belongings to sort through and basically bear the brunt of clearing the house. Apologies if it is nothing like this!

She is an amazing mum and I will do everything I can for her as she gets older irrespective of her will.

Your Siblings don't know that though, maybe start dropping into conversation with them, about a yearning to emigrate ? Bet they won't like the idea of you buggering off and them having to earn their inheritance !

Do the siblings know?

I think if she’s an amazing mum and she’s doing it for genuine reasons and you kind of don’t need the money maybe let it go. Or ask if “your share” could maybe skip you and be given to your dc instead? So in the long term they don’t miss out? But I can see that could be a difficult conversation and maybe she thinks you will have enough money to leave your dc?

My mum used to threaten to cut me out all the time….and ultimately did do so. But she used to threaten it because she was a nasty control freak who used to bait and bait me hoping for a response. I guess be thankful your mum isn’t like that if that’s any comfort. My mum left all her money (and there was a lot) to various ex neighbours some of whom she hadn’t seen for years. The only thing she left me was a nasty letter after her death saying how much she hated me and always had done.

She sounds like she is rewarding their absence and expects your support

I get it stings my mum is leaving everything to my sister and my daughter leaving my sons and I in the cold she is slowly coming to terms with the fact that neither my sister nor my daughter would care for her in her own home and would slap her in a care home if needed and to hell with the house and money

Clearing out the house is easish.
A friend of mine advertised everywhere for a clearance sale once they had taken out what they wanted. Nothing was priced, people just made an offer like a fiver for the 3 year old sofa. Didn't make loads but was easier than trying to clear it out themselves.

Could do similar and everything that's left is left for the others to deal with when selling.

You are 4 times better off than your siblings. So they need the money you don't.

But it isn’t about money, it’s about feeling loved and being treated the same.

My DM gave my DB (never worked, his own decision - was kept by mum effectively) a huge amount as a house deposit (his wife borrowed the rest from her wealthy employer). I knew nothing of it, and when I did find out, her excuse was “You never asked for any money, you don’t need it”. Maybe that is because, like normal people, DH and I worked, we didn’t need her money but we could have been offered some!

It was so, so hurtful, it wasn’t about the money, but confirmation that she loved him more (he had always been favourite). She was by then terminally ill, and whilst I couldn’t walk away, it definitely impacted our relationship at the end.

It also ensured that DB and I have no relationship.

Op - As a pp said, at least you know now and can take it into account in coming years.

If I hadn’t accidentally found out, whilst mum was in respite care, my brother would have crowed about his good fortune when she died. I fully expected him to have changed her will too, and apparently he told her (in a letter that my cousin saw) that he wanted to as “he deserved it all”, but she stood firm on that.

oh CovidCorvid - I am so sorry. I'm expecting a vile letter myself.

@OnFormbySands

Daisy Goodwin wrote about this once. The hurt caused by her mother's will.

When she died, Jocasta left Daisy a small legacy, but the overwhelming bulk of her estate was divided between Daisy’s brothers and sisters. In her will, Jocasta made it clear why she was doing this - not because she loved Daisy any less, but because the others had more need of an inheritance than Daisy.
Although Daisy could see the logic of her mother’s decision, she was very deeply hurt.

“When it happened I was… sideswiped, I think, is the only word. I realised that in a very primal way, I felt left out.” she wrote, “When a beloved parent dies, what is being parcelled out may look like goods and chattels, but it feels a lot like love.”

I read this article at the time, it was so moving and I think of it whenever I hear of children being treated differently in wills.

@frumpety Bet they won't like the idea of you buggering off and them having to earn their inheritance

But they wouldn't! As I said in the OP, we are all comfortably off, they don't need the money so much that they would step up to ensure they got it.

I can see why this hurts and I agree it is unfair, it is almost like being punished for having done well and being successful. Splitting it fairly four ways is the right thing to do, unless someone has literally got multi-millions. Actually even then I think it should still be split fairly and left up to the richer one to decided whether they want their cut or not.

In our family my brother is far far wealthier than me (just the two of us), but I would still think my parents were bonkers if they decided to do this.

@CovidCorvid I'm so sorry about the letter you were left. I know my Dm wouldn't do that.

As for the grandchildren...no apparently they don't need anything either, and anything they might have needed will well and truly have been taken up by time as she has spent more time with my DC than all the other DGC put together.

But they wouldn't! As I said in the OP, we are all comfortably off, they don't need the money so much that they would step up to ensure they got it.

So none of them would benifit from having 300k ? That is a level of comfortable that few people can imagine.
Are you the only one who see's your Mum as amazing and would do anything for her or is it that you are the only female and have an ingrained expectation that you will be the care giver should the need arise ?

I would have another conversation and say how upset you are

She is in fact penalising you for the choices you and your siblings have made, you have got on, they chose other oaths for less income

You are doing all the caring, they are not

I truly think it’s awful when parents do this and treat their children differently

You need to tell her

Then to be honest however amazing she is I would be stepping back for a while at least

Parents should really discuss these things before it becomes fact, or else they will die and leave a mess.

In my family's case, my uncle who did everything for my grandmother (shopping, carer, errands, washing etc) got far less than my uncle who has always cried broke. Latter uncle pissed it all away (as predicted) and is still crying broke. Former uncle was quietly devasted but ended up having to defend himself when he refused to contribute more cash towards broke uncle (just like my grandmother always did tbh). He is probably the wealthiest (but not wealthy!) so the siblings felt he was fair game for stepping into my grandma's superhero costume for my broke uncle's rescue. Well, for refusing, he was subsequently ghosted by his siblings (except for my dad who has never really got on with my broke uncle). My grandma would have hated all of this.

Equal share is safer. The reasons your mum gives is unfair. You say you're the only girl... I wonder if that means more here. Yes, it's her money, but it's also your life. Make your own changes accordingly. Rebalances things. If you keep yourself and your kids away, her own logic means you'd get more. Bizarre.