DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

What is your Mum thinking op? I can't understand how she doesn't realise that she has pushed a bloody great wedge of resentment between you both and between you and your siblings.

I would really wonder at what her motives are? Is it possible that there is some level of malevolence or is she just not very smart?

@Wisforwater it was a while ago now. And everything settles with time. In my case, this wasn’t really a surprise. My family has v weird dynamics where DM bends over backwards to give the ones she believes feel weaker extra support. This has cemented a really odd situation where my siblings compete to outdo each other in how weak they are and how unfair life is to them etc etc. I have never engaged in this. I think this is why my relationship with my mom is the healthiest out of all siblings.

I think what helped me - vocalising how I felt. It was important for both of us. She wanted my absolution. I think I’d feel WAY worse now if I had given that. Like I had been railroaded, weak and false. That’s not to say the conversation was easy. I was SO careful not to be angry. But she kept on trying to tell me I wasn’t being reasonable. In the end I had to fall back on “this is how I feel, reasonable or not. And this is how I WILL perceive your behaviour after you are gone”.

After the call, we had a few texts. I said that I would respect her decision, but that respect wouldn’t change how I felt. She said she loves me (I never once felt she didn’t), but she wouldn’t change her mind as she was doing what she thought was right.

I guess that’s how two people who love each other deeply actually agree to disagree.

I dread her dying. For many many reasons. She is my best friend and closest confidant and most loyal supporter. But I also dread the feelings that she was more concerned about my siblings than me. I dread the pettiness that feeling will spark in me (why am I being punished for being a half decent functioning human being, did she always love them more and I was jst easier to be around etc etc).

I would really wonder at what her motives are? Is it possible that there is some level of malevolence or is she just not very smart?

The OP says that her DM is repeating what was done to her so maybe it's just pure old fashioned sexism. Despite her DM knowing it may be unfair, that is what happens to the daughters in the family (and they get landed with the elderly care and the house clearance stuff) and all the bollocks about making up for not spending time with the DBs and their families is to hide that uncomfortable truth?

I'm sure there must be an element of your Mum's experience with her own parents' will that is influencing her decision.

My armchair psychology theory is that it was so deeply hurtful to her, and that by now doing the same to you, yet ascribing a justification for it that doesn't involve you being loved less, it therefore acts as a salve to her own hurt from years ago, if that makes sense?

These things tend to resonate across generations. My MIL's mother did much the same to MIL and her siblings. Somehow talked them all into signing over their portion of their inheritance from their father so that it all went to the youngest (and favourite).

Hence MIL apparently spent much of DH's childhood swearing that she would always treat them equally.

It's also funny how different families have differing levels of comfort discussing these things. DH's siblings discuss their parents' will quite casually, and I am .

I am aware of the contents of my parents will (I am the executor - even split regardless of personal circumstances), but it's not something I talk or think about as it feels horrible contemplating their death.

@BeardyButton that is interesting what you are saying about motivations for talking about will contents. Seeking absolution makes sense to me. Your DM knows that what she is doing is unfair and unreasonable but has got herself caught in a dynamic. She wants your absolution because otherwise she has to face the fact that she has been getting it wrong all along.

Are you going to talk to her about this? I couldn’t hold back, I’d be devastated for the same reasons, OP.

The PP who said she cleaned out her parents home despite the hardship to her whilst her brothers sat on their arsed and then reaped the benefits. I’d have checked to see if there was any token I wanted to keep and then left the contents for them to clear out. I bet one or both of the brothers took the jewellery themselves.

No way would I be anybody's unpaid skivvy. I’d leave the house as is. The beneficiaries can clear it out.

[quote GnomeDePlume]@BeardyButton that is interesting what you are saying about motivations for talking about will contents. Seeking absolution makes sense to me. Your DM knows that what she is doing is unfair and unreasonable but has got herself caught in a dynamic. She wants your absolution because otherwise she has to face the fact that she has been getting it wrong all along.[/quote]
I think you are right. It’s a fine balance. I needed her to know I wasn’t ok with it. I was very certain about this. But I would never want her to doubt how she has mothered me. If I can be half as good and selfless a parent as her....

Oddly, it looks like I’m going to be a parent of an “only” child. Maybe (maybe!?) I ve ended up here because of all the preferential treatment. I think my mom has always wanted each and every sibling to feel like they are special to her. But sometimes her way of doing that is to try and make us all feel that we are her “favourite”.

Anyway, enough of me using this thread as some sort of counselling. I love my mom. She is a fantastic mother. But I hate this one choice she’s made. If that’s the worst I can say if her.....

@BeardyButton hmm i wonder if your relationship with your mother really is healthy as you think

They did!!!! She was one of 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. One boy got the family business and the other got the family home and their second home. The girls got nothing, because they didn't 'need' it. The brother who got the property was married to a women with children from a previous relationship (and had no children of their own). All his inheritance has been siphoned off to her children. DM doesn't mind that one brother got the family business as no-one else wanted it, but she is still resentful that 1/2 the estate has gone to her BIL's step children.

I just wanted to pick through a few assumptions here that might be worth looking at.

Firstly, yes, her parents divided up their estate according to perceived need of each child. They decided their daughters didn't need any money presumably because they were already financially more comfortable than their brothers, so by passing their assets to their sons, they evened the odds among their children. Is this accurate? And is this wrong?

Secondly your mother doesn't really seem to resent much about this arrangement, apart from the fact that one of her brothers later chose to pass his assets onto his stepchildren, not having any biological children. Those children might not be biologically his, but he married their mother and presumably formed bonds with them and cared about their wellbeing, which is why he passed his assets on to them.

This seems like a pretty reasonable choice, far more reasonable than, say, cutting them off and giving that money to his nieces and nephews who are blood-related, for example. I am not sure if that's what your mum thought he should do - might be worth asking her exactly why she resents it and what she thought he should have done instead.

I think if instead of taking offense (easier said than done) the better thing to do is to take a step back and genuinely try to understand why your mum wants to do this, while assuming that she has a positive intention.

You say you don't think she's doing this because she doesn't love you, it just feels that way, because money feels like love to you. That's also a perspective worth inspecting, non-judgementally. Why does money feel like love to you, if you don't actually need it? Why doesn't her choice to give more time to your family feel like she's given you more love than the others? Maybe money feels like love to you, but time feels like love to her.

But I also dread the feelings that she was more concerned about my siblings than me.

It sounds like she is, but concern isn't the same as love. Your siblings sound like they really are less emotionally well-equipped than you - you say she has created the dysfunctional dynamic, but that puts quite a lot of blame on her for the actions of your siblings.

I dread the pettiness that feeling will spark in me (why am I being punished for being a half decent functioning human being, did she always love them more and I was jst easier to be around etc etc).

You're not being punished though, unless you really do see the loss of money as punishment. You said you'd rather a dollar split evenly than a million split unevenly, so that leads me to think the amount of money you get won't make that much genuine difference to your own life.

But dollars aren't principles. Dollars make a genuine difference to some people's lives, but not so much to others. Will the dollars make a genuine difference to your siblings' lives in a way that they won't really to you? If so, there's your answer.

@saraclara

My brother has been treated unfairly in my mum's will. If she has anything left when she dies, I will be putting that right. But realistically I can only put the financial stuff right. It's too late for the rest. I can't undo the fact that she's already told him that he is of less value to her.

That last part is the crux of all of these situations.

No one can put right the inherent message that the left out one is of lesser value.

And (this bit gets forgotten or not talked about) no one can put right the message that the ones who were not left out are of greater value.

Wills like this are toxic. Full stop.

They’re almost impossible to navigate without long term damage to relationships, no matter how hard everyone tries.

There are degrees of awfulness.

Who knew, was it explained, how much is involved, who did the caring, realitive wealth of siblings, grandchildren….

So many factors. But the underlying message is the same every single time.

I, your parent, value you less than your sibling(s)

And to the one(s) who get more….

I, your parent, value you more than this sibling.

@BlinkyBlooTheSailor I think you are very right. So often the will is the final message from the relative. There is no possibility of asking for explanation, for challenging assumptions.

I have known a few wills which seem to have been designed to leave a mess behind for the executors to sort. Some have been with the best of intentions. Others have been a final settling of scores.

DH and I have been very open with our DCs about our wills. They know which of them are executors. They know how our estate is split. When I next have some time off I plan to go through our financial details and make sure that it is easy for them to find things like insurance and property documents. We will also looking at Powers of Attorney.

frazzledasarock
That is exactly how I felt too, but because I had been left the "personal effects" (everything in the house), it was my legal responsibility to dispose of it or move it out. The solicitor told me that if I did not do it myself, she would organise it and I would be billed.
In fact it did cost me a lot of money in furniture removal, garden clearance company and petrol, not to mention my health suffering through the huge stress I was under for two years or more. Not what my mother intended, but "personal effects" is more than just some nice bits and pieces, and in a full house can be a true burden.

Oof, sorry OP. My dad moved from Scotland to England when he married my mum, and his mum saw it as an abandonment (he still travelled up to see her when he could) and she left her money and house to his siblings who stayed in Scotland. Just mean in my eyes 🤷🏼‍♀️

A will like this can be a sign of deeper, unexpressed family dysfunction.

My Gran (a narcissist) wrote my Mum (also a narcissist) completely out of her will and left everything to my Mum's sister. My Mum never found out as my Auntie gifted my Mum half her share.

I am no contact with my Mum now and expect no inheritance. I hope my Mum doesn't find out what a faff leaving someone your 'personal effects' is, otherwise she will defo saddle me with that burden!

I would imagine that as you can turn down a financial inheritance you could turn down receiving their 'personal effects' too

OP It could be given what you said earlier about how her own parents decided their will, that your DM has assimilated a lot of the sexist prejudices of her forbears.

I was once left a nice surprise cash gift by a distant relative who I had got to know over the previous years. I was delighted, but later found that he had given other second cousins three times as much, even though they didn't know him - just because they were family and are males. I guess his thinking (he was brought up parents born in the Victorian era) was that men have to make their own way in the world but women will be looked after by their husbands! Though I was not married!
Maybe as they get older, some people revert to unconscious biases that they were brought up with, even if outwardly they reject them.. I really would speak to your DM and say that it is not about the money but about your feelings about being valued, and that this could spoil your sibling relationships.

I have 4 DKs, 2 on long-term sickness benefits,3 in HA properties,1 single parent through no fault of her own privately renting. They are all aware she will be left property. She wouldn't live in it long term. Have to be careful what happens to the 2 on benefits because they could be affected. They are all perfectly happy with this agree this is fair. They have all been helped with bills etc over the years

In Scotland you can't disinherit your children.

My Mum died when I was young. So when her last surviving parent died my sibling and I knew we would inherit something.

However we only got the legal minimum, which was then split between us.

My mum's siblings got twice as much as her total share!!! (Which we then had split in two)

It meant my Mum's siblings got more than 4 times what my sibling and I did.

That hurt. A lot.

My Mums siblings got significant amounts of money, neither "needed" it.

My sibling and I got a small sum and we would have massively benefited from half of the amount if it had been allocated fairly to our grand parents children.

I'm sorry OP.

I really think some people are just emotionally stunted.
The trick is, I think, to be glad you have the compassion and emotional intelligence to know your parent was a bit thick.

Maybe their is some deep rooted thinking that girls marry into money, as your DM also didn't inherit.

People can be weird. My DH is very much I got nothing for Christmas and seems hurt by it and then wants to do the same to our kids. I'm the other way around and I'm too generous to everyone as I remember how I felt to have nothing.