DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

This doesn’t sound like the action of a lovely mum.
It’s insane to think that you should get less inheritance because she’s spent time with you. Is this a charge for her company then.

I’d be hurt too.

OP, your post could be mine.

My Mum told me she was doing a similar thing earlier this year. I only have one sibling, and although my Mum is leaving me something, my sibling is getting a substantially bigger share. My Mum worked this out on the basis that I received a reasonably large inheritance from my Dad (my sibling and I have different Dads) and technically I am better off.

My Mum was also left in a similar position in her parent's will and sees nothing wrong in her actions.

I have spent most of the year being utterly furious about it and my thoughts are consumed by it. I have three children and can't imagine treating them so unfairly.

I’d have to tell her, it would eat me up otherwise.
As for people saying it’s greedy?! I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be turning down their share.
Why shouldn’t you be treated the same as your siblings? At the end of the day you are all their children.

@Sithee

That must hurt OP, I understand. My DM told me earlier in the year that she is bypassing me in her will and and intends to leave “my share” of any potential inheritance directly to my children instead. We have a good relationship, but I’m not sure why she has chosen this and refuses to discuss it with me. It’s her business I guess, but I feel like she doesn’t trust me to do right by own children or something and that hurts

I am no contact with my emotionally abusive mother, and I actually hope that she does this and bypasses me directly in favour of my DD.

Everything she has ever given to me or done for me has had strings attached and emotional 'I owe yous' and I worry that if I do inherit from her (assuming she didn't just cut me out completely and leave it all to golden child DB) that I wouldn't be able to shift this feeling. So if anything does come to me it will be going directly to DD anyway.

Wills and inheritance can really mess with your head, and family!!

@farfetched Enjoy your mother's company while she's still here. And don't be jealous of your siblings' relative poverty - instead be grateful for your considerable comfort (nanny and all)

Sorry, I'm a bit at this. Have you read the whole thread? There is no "relative" poverty.....we are all comfortably off. Trust me, if my siblings, or in fact any good friend was in poverty I would (and have been) be the first to help them out. There is no poverty, nobody is poor, everyone has well paid secure jobs.

OP

If you have such an amazing relationship with her, I would sit down and ask her why, no pressure from you, but its a kick in the teeth, its not greedy to try and figure out, why when you have the best relationship, it will be up to you to care for her, you are made sure your children have a great relationship with her, that you are the one that is being cut out.

I would also make sure I didn't use her for babysitting again either, encourage her to get your sort of relationship from your siblings if that is what she wants, maybe.

It would be very weird of any parent to do it this way round

I agree. Tell her how this has upset you.

Send her a link to this thread. She might understand then.

[quote Wisforwater]@canigooutyet my looking after her in old age is a given. We moved for this eventuality. She is an amazing mum and I will do everything I can for her as she gets older irrespective of her will. Today it just really hurts.[/quote]
Seriously, OP?!?!

She's not amazing if she's done this.

I'd be completely re-evaluating things at this point. You'd be a complete mug if you carry on as if nothing has happened.

My mum did this. Did feel a bit shit, but I reconciled myself with it well enough. I know she views my brother very differently to me. In my case there was no apparent reason, just he's younger than me (though an adult. I am a single parent who's perma skint).

In the end, I believe my grandparents had a word and she changed it - only she phoned me from the solicitors to ask me how to spell my name check my D.O.B... I'd have prefered she hadn't changed it to be honest, than be phoned to check 😂.

My sympathies OP. It's not a nice feeling.

I have a db who hasn’t done as well as me, despite having the same opportunities and parental support, and cannot hold on to money. My parents have been divorced for many years and they’ve diverged completely on money when it comes to me and db. My dm has spoken about inheritance, and was very worried about my brother squandering money she had worked hard for and saved - her solution, which I am in total agreement with, is to leave it to charity rather than have this happen. Df has taken a different stance, which is to try and give db more to make him equal to me. So, I got a deposit for a house, which I then worked to pay the mortgage on, while db got a house outright! It does feel like being punished for your achievements as a pp said.

Not about how much, but fairness. I’d be happy if everything my parents had went on them or to charities, but I’d be very upset (and unsure of how to react) on op’s situation.

@Viviennemary

You are 4 times better off than your siblings. So they need the money you don't.

What a stupid comment

They could be on £100k pa and her family on 4 times that

On £100k a year you don’t need the money

And it’s not just the money, her DM is saying that life choices by her siblings mean they is rewarding them for not doing as well as he4 daughter

It’s saying they are more important than her

[quote Wisforwater]**@farfetched* Enjoy your mother's company while she's still here. And don't be jealous of your siblings' relative poverty - instead be grateful for your considerable comfort (nanny and all)*

Sorry, I'm a bit at this. Have you read the whole thread? There is no "relative" poverty.....we are all comfortably off. Trust me, if my siblings, or in fact any good friend was in poverty I would (and have been) be the first to help them out. There is no poverty, nobody is poor, everyone has well paid secure jobs.[/quote]
Yet you are still grasping after your dm's money.

It's money. Not love. And it's hers. Not yours. She's still alive, remember?

The idea that you have a right to dictate how your DM chooses to spend or distribute HER money is really vile.

You claim you feel unloved. How do you think she would feel if she knew that you are only interested in looking after her as long as you get a share of the cash??

I looked after my dm because I loved her, not because of what I stood to gain out of it. My db did nothing - he was only interested in her cash.

Now she's gone, I'm sad she didn't get to leave her money to who she wanted. But I'm not the tiniest bit sad I spent years looking after her. Unlike you, I didn't do that for the money!

You seem obsessed by the quid pro quo. Euww.

What a horrible post.

@farfetched - good name, matches your ridiculous post.

@farfetched

But it's OP mother who has identified a link between her time and presence (love, presumably?) and monetary value. OP has had more of her mother's time therefore deserve less money as a consequence.

I cannot imagine doing this to either of my daughters. We have always tried to treat them both similarly regardless of circumstances. I am not surprised you find that hurtful.

@farfetched you seem interested enough in your mothers money that you’ve posted here. Perhaps your brother didn’t attend his mothers funeral because she made it so clear she favoured you. Parents should treat their children equally.

If you are close @Wisforwater could you speak to your dm and say something along the lines of: 'I know it's 'only money' and none of us is short of it, but it's actually really upset me that you're cutting me out of your will. I'm sure it's not your intention to hurt me, but it does hurt, and this decision of yours changes the family dynamics in terms of us siblings. Instead of us all being on an equal plane, I'm now the one that is going to be treated differently, it kind of sends a strange underlying message to my brothers about me.
Maybe she'll rethink it.

@Kikkomam

What a horrible post.

Just to clarify, I meant farfetched post was horrible, not the OPS

That's really tough OP - I know exactly how you feel. It isn't about the money at all it's about feeling you're not loved and valued in the same way as your sibling.

About 20 years ago, I was married to a high earning DH and my DM casually dropped into a conversation that she and DF were discussing changing their will from an even split of their estate between me and my brother to leaving him the bulk e.g. house and savings and me some sentimental items e.g. jewellery.

At the time DB was struggling financially and I was comfortably off. It came out of the blue however when she told me they were thinking of changing the will and I remember feeling as if someone had punched me when she told me. The hurt was indescribable and it really wasn't about the money - I've always told them to spend it all anyway and not worry about leaving anything. At a very basic level I think it kind of re-inforced an old childhood feeling that he was her favourite child - as childish as that seems.

I brazened it out on the phone when she told me and just told her it was her money and she should do what she felt was right with it and changed the subject. I cried quietly about it on a few occasions over the years though - I found the hurt hard to deal with. Me and DM are really close though so ultimately I accepted that was their decision so as to not let it affect our relationship which I valued higher than any inheritance.

A few years later our circumstances had really changed - DB had had several promotions and was earning comfortably. I was divorced and a single mum struggling to make ends meet. It only came to light a few years ago, when they were changing their will again to leave some small amounts to the grandchildren, that DF had put his foot down and never allowed the change to take place so the will had been left all along with an equal split. I suspect DF didn't even know that DM had mentioned it to me otherwise he would have told me they hadn't gone ahead. DM was obviously so oblivious to the hurt she'd caused (I must be a good actor!) that she hadn't thought to mention to me that they hadn't gone through with it.

DB lived abroad at the time and still does now and is very mindful of/grateful for the fact that I do pretty much all of the support/care needed and I did occasionally wonder what he would have done in reality if they had changed the will, particularly in light of the way our circumstances swapped around afterwards.

@farfetched How do you think she would feel if she knew that you are only interested in looking after her as long as you get a share of the cash??

Why don't you trying reading the WHOLE of the fucking thread. The OP has always been designated to look after her DM. She has moved to a property that will accommodate her DM. DESPITE knowing what her DM now wants to do with her Will, the OP is STILL going to look after her DM come what may because she thinks she is an amazing Mum.

Blimey! The people who only read what they want to read.

@farfetched. you can't possibly have read all my posts, you appear to have totally missed the point. Its not about getting any money - I've repeatedly said that I don't need it an 99% of other posters totally get my point. I've also said that irrespective of her Will I will care for her when she needs it...NOT for financial gain, but because i love her and I want the best for her. I'd care for her if she had nothing.

[quote HarrisonStickle]@farfetched - good name, matches your ridiculous post.[/quote]
As I said above, I have been in the opposite position.

The OP just seems really horribly grasping and greedy to me.

Who cares WHY her DM wants to do this. She doesn't need to justify it. It's her money.

The idea that money = love is really bizarre. In the previous generation, my df's Grandma left her money to only one of her 3 dcs (none of them were well off). All her 3 dcs continued to love her and remember her with affection. Her money, her choice.

Op... Please don't pay any heed to @farfetched.

It ultimately doesn't matter what anyone else says here. Your feelings are totally valid. You are allowed to be hurt and confused by this. It sounds like you want to preserve a relationship with your mum and the only way this is possible now is if you tell her how you feel. If you don't then all of your interactions will be coloured by your feelings of hurt, confusion and anger. What do you think makes her an amazing parent?