DM has cut me out of her will

[Wisforwater]

And I'm really upset. I'm one of 4 siblings (I'm the only girl). We are all comfortably off, although my household income is probably about 4 x that of the others. We are a close family. DM casually dropped into the conversation today that she has changed her will so that I won't get a share of her estate on her death, and that I can have belongings instead, because I don't "need" any money. Whilst DM lives in a house worth about £1m, the monetary total of anything of sentimental value is probably less than £1000. She added that I and my children have had more of her time than my siblings/other grandchildren(this is entirely their choice), so it seems only fair that she compensates them financially. I'm just so upset. She's right in that we don't "need" the money, but tonight it just feels like she doesn't value me like she values my siblings and that when I've spent time with her she's been making a mental note to ensure that time spent comes off any inheritance. Just to be clear, I don't think I'm entitled to anything, if DM wanted to blow it all on holidays or give it all to charity I'd be fine with that. It just feels really unfair to do it the way she wants. Can anyone help me reconcile this because I really don't want it to cause a family rift?

@HalfHope . there only are 2 SILs and there isn't a hope in hell.

I’d step back too.

Mostly because she doesn’t think having your children as an opportunity to bond with them and spend time with her grandchildren. But clearly feels like she’s doing you a favour of monetary value.

I wouldn’t bother with your DC.

This is unfair and deeply hurtful. For you and for your children. I wouldn’t take care of her in her old age either and I wouldn’t help clear her house out when your brothers inherit it.

Why are you designated family skivvy?

I would tell her how you feel. It’s an awful conversation. But tell her that’s it’s the last way she will communicate with you, and she is saying that she is less concerned about you and your family than your siblings. Be very clear. She is looking for absolution from you. You shouldn’t give it. It’s a shitty thing to do. She knows it. You know it. Her telling you now is so she can feel better about it.

Don’t let it effect your relationship. Love her and cherish the time left. But don’t give this absolution! If she wants to do this, she has to understand it’s effect on you. And she has to accept that - not look for absolution from you about it.

My mother has done the same. We had this conversation. It was really really hard. She’s going ahead with it. We are still as close and I hope she lives forever and spends every penny. But she knows how I feel and she knows how I will interpret this. She has to live with that as that is her decision.

Just seen your update that she was cut out by her parents. Wow. So she does it to you. Very twisted.

I'd be protesting now. And rethinking being the muggins who does all the care for her in her old age

I am so sorry OP, what a mean thing to do. You are a far better person than me - if it were me I'd have to move me and my family to a place far away.

An elderly aunt of my DH's did what your mother is planning on doing. She left everything to her sons and nothing to the daughter who cared for her. Her reasoning was that her daughter had 'married well' and didn't need anything. I cannot think of ever doing that to any of my children.

And from your posts it doesn’t sound like your siblings are on the breadline. If the potential inheritance means paying off their mortgage/extending their houses/buying new cars etc.

Presumably your benefit similarly

@Beachbreak2411

You sound greedy. You are 4x better off than your siblings and still on the grab?? Why not let them get a hand up and realise how lucky you already are? I can’t imagine being money grabbing before my parents even passed! And at the end of the day.. it’s her money to do with what she wants.. you don’t need it so let it go to who does!

"You are 4x better off than your siblings". How do you know that's the case? OP might earn more, but you don't know outgoings, either current or future. What if OP's siblings' salary overtakes OP's in a few years? Do they give her some money from their bigger share at that point? You're thinking about it too simplistically.

Your mother is entitled to write whatever she wants in her will. You are entitled to be hurt and respond accordingly.

In your shoes, I’d take some time and then talk to your mother. I think the phrase “all actions have consequences” definitely rings true here. If my mother insisted that this is how things will be then she would be looking after herself or relying on her sons from now on.

As a PP said, if she feels you don’t need the money then leaving the equal share to your DC would be kindest.

It doesn’t matter what her logic is, this decision is cruel and unfair.

I can see why you’re offended but people shouldn’t assume when it comes to wills.

This is so ridiculous. I am very much "assuming" that if my parents have anything to leave it will be allocated equally between me and my not as well of sister. Anything else would be very hurtful to me. She's not as well off but has made some dubious choices in life and hasn't had to deal with much responsibly. I would feel punished.

I wish you the very best Wis - I hope you and your Mum have many happy years together. But make sure you aren't worn to the bone overextending yourself in the future. Perhaps a smaller ground floor home would be more practical and easier in terms of upkeep. A friend of mine had her Oma nearby in a small bungalow with a live in carer. The family was wealthy but they had sold the large family home so that Oma had a cosy house that was easy to get around and to heat and there was enough money so that when Oma got frail someone could live with her.

Sounds like there is a family history of not valuing girls.

An amazing mother doesnt create a scapegoat child. It doesnt matter how much money any of you have. Anything could happen to change that.

I can bet your relationship with DM isn't as healthy as you think it is.

All sounds very 50s. Dated views.

Also it doesn’t matter what you currently earn. Your parents surely provided your brothers the same opportunities you had.

Why are you being penalised for making different choices to your brothers?

And your mother certainly isn’t behaving like a great mum.

I've sort of assed this is what will happen to me. Can't say it bothers me.

First of all, op, you definitely don't sound greedy. It doesn't matter how much money you had, it would hurt to be told that. It's not about the money, it's about the feeling that she values her other children over you (which I'm sure isn't true as you seem to have a good relationship with her). I have 2 friends whose mothers said they were doing this. Neither of my friends NEEDED the money, but they'd done a lot for their mums because they loved them, and this left them feeling that their siblings were loved more than them. Ultimately that didn't happen and one was left an equal share and the other one has been reinstated in the will. Even so they never forgot what their mums did.
I think you need to sit down and explain how hurt it's made you feel to have your siblings prioritised over you and really show her how upset it's made you feel.

You need to tell her how this feels. And you also need to point out that as she appears to have been charging for her time when looking after her grandchildren, you will also be charging for your time should she need care later on. Honestly, she does not sound very nice.

My sister is buying a house worth well over a quarter of a million pounds. Mostly cash with a very small mortgage for the remainder.

I have maybe £80 in my bank account right now and use a borrowed car. If my mum decided to leave me money and not DSis I would be mad. It's unfair. My sister earns that much because she made different choices to me in life. She missed out on a lot with her kids as she worked long hours. She is constantly under pressure at work. She is tired. She is stressed. I wouldn't want her life. And she wouldn't want mine.

I'm pretty skint in the grand scheme of things but I have a part time job and what I earn is treats and saving money. I've been a SAHM for years. I've enjoyed it and I do not think I deserve more than my DSIS, just as OP has given up a lot and worked hard for her 4x as much as her siblings earnings.

I'm sorry OP. You're being punished for working hard.

Inheritance is so difficult. We were all presented with the same opportunities but my brother and I made different life choices to my sister who is now an alcoholic and I also believe she probably has a borderline personality disorder and learning difficulties. She has never been able to hold down a job as an adult.

I used to resent my mum thinking she needs to give her money because to me it seems like rewarding bad behaviour. However over the years I have come round to thinking she has different needs and my bro and I are lucky.

In the end my mum will currently split her assets equally between three of us and I would like to think I wouldn't mind if my sis got more but until it happens, I don't know how I would feel.

My father left my DM for my DMs best friend from school. I struggled with it for a long time but eventually my relationship with my father broke down after he wan't brave enough to tell me he was marrying her and texted me the news. I just couldn't accept what he'd done as I'd watched her fawn after him as a child, always felt uncomfortable visiting her and her family as a child and I was furious with him for falling for her and destroying our family after 30 years of marriage to my DM. About five years ago she sent me a letter with a copy of his will to show me know I'd been written out of it on the premis that 'you're not in the will - but you still have the chance to make amends'. I didn't respond or acknowledge receipt of the letter. It has devastated me and it's only recently that I have begun to face how hurt I have been by this complete and utter rejection. You're lucky to have a relationship with your Mum. but I can't help but feel this knowledge will cloud your feelings and actions towards your Mum and siblings in the years to come. It's just so hurtful.

What a horrible thing to do OP. I have four dcs and I couldnt imagine doing this. I'm not surprised you are upset.

I'm normally of the opinion that a person's will is up to them and grabby relatives should fuck off but even I can see your point here. Its like your mother is saying your siblings matter more than you do and thats very hurtful!

If your DM is as amazing as you say then you should tell her how hurt you feel by this and why and see what she says.

Although its fucking cheeky of her to do that and still expect you to look after her should she need it. That's basically saying you're not good enough to be included in my will but you're good enough to care for me should I need it I would tell her to fuck off and sort it with the others since they're clearly more important to her!

I don't think she is a beloved parent to suddenly announce this.. It's utterly bloody cruel and awful.
Op is the closest to her and she is being financially punished because of this.. I'm afraid I find this petty and I think op you need to be Frank with your mum.

OP, I am in exactly the opposite position to you. My dm desperately wanted to leave the house to me, the youngest and only girl of 4 dcs, because we were far away the poorest and have 3 dcs to support, but my oldest sibling, who doesn't need the money, but likes high living (eg he will only fly first class) forced her to change her will not once but twice, threatening her that he would not attend her funeral or say prayers for her after she was dead (important in my religion). She was heartbroken but felt she had no choice, but must have told me (and everyone round her) literally hundreds of times that she really wanted to leave the house to me, but he wouldn't allow it.

As I stood to benefit, I didn't feel it was right for me to get involved, so just told her it was up to her who she left things to and I wanted her alive not her house.

In the event, my eldest sibling didn't bother to attend her funeral, or even dial into the online version.

I now feel so bad my mother didn't get to leave her house to who she wanted to - not only or even mainly for my own sake or my dcs, but because as a parent myself I know how important it was for her to feel that she was giving her daughter and grandchildren a roof over our heads that she knew we couldn't be able to afford to buy with only a quarter share of her house.

Respect your mother's wishes. She wants to die in peace knowing that all her children are financially secure. It's not about loving you less. That she's spent so much time with you and your dcs shows she loves you. She just doesn't want to die not knowing if all her children will be financially secure.

Enjoy your mother's company while she's still here. And don't be jealous of your siblings' relative poverty - instead be grateful for your considerable comfort (nanny and all).

When your mother is dead, she's dead for ever. Enjoy her company now.

If you pressure your mother over this, you prevent your mother from dying in peace knowing she has helped the children who need it most. And you risk spoiling your relationship with your siblings too (I won't ever see or forgive my brother for forcing my mother to change her will to benefit him, against her wishes).

At the end of the day, it's your mother's money. And you don't need it. Let your mother leave her house to whoever she wants to leave it to. Or you don't really love her - just her money.

My parents left nothing so there was no argument. My ils left it equally to my ds and sister. I have 2 children who will equally benefit though 1 is far more successful than the other. However care maybe needed and they may get nothing. Everything should be equally divided.