A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

Change the appt / get a babysitter.
Stop inviting them.

That’s so frustrating - but play them at their own game & don't keep having them for Christmas and Easter.

Just say that you’ve changed your minds this year and want to have a kids-focused day instead.

My children's grandparents (on both sides) are the same and now my kids don't have a bond with any of them as a result, but I gave up long ago and just decided they are my kids and my parents or OHS parents aren't oblghted to babysit them, their loss if I'm honest.

However I think you have a husband problem rather than a grant parents problem. He should be giving you time off to go get your hair done or whatever. My OH and me rely on eachother to take turns giving the other a break and it's worked for us.

But I do sympathise OP, it's frustrating and I will never ever do the same on my future grandchildren.

Don’t have them for Christmas!
Have a lovely one without them. Tell them you know how much they don’t like to spend it wi the the kids and you want to enjoy playing with them this year. Can you pay a friend to look after them (th et lol likely refuse the money)

Och I know. People will say they aren't obligated to help and they're your children not theirs etc. All true, but I sympathise. I have in laws who used to drop their 3 dcs at their parents' house every weekend for the whole weekend so they could have quality time as a couple. They have babysat for us maybe 5 times since our dcs were born and they live nearby.

As a pp says though, you don't owe them an invitation for Christmas if that isn't convenient for you. They aren't obligated and they are your children, but it works both ways.

They are selfish, but you've shot yourself in the foot with the 'I've told them not to bother' bit.

You should've sailed out of the door with a hearty 'thanks' and then uninvited them for Christmas a few weeks later.

My mum was the same. She liked her DGC to pose for nice photos to sit on the mantelpiece and to share with her WI friends, but she wouldn't dream of helping, babysitting, turning out in an emergency. She preferred not to actually see them if she could avoid it.

She expected to be ferried around like minor royalty at Xmas too.

Yes I agree, they're selfish, it's shit. I went through the same thing. I would stop inviting them over. If they don't want to help you or see their grandchildren, then why are you facilitating Christmas?! Just say you're finding it all too much hard work, so no Christmas meal this year.

It sounds like you need some more boundaries. I'm not saying it's your fault that the dynamic is this way, and it's certainly upsetting that they take alot and don't give much back, but you don't have to do all the things that they expect. Not bending over backwards for them will bring its own challenges but may well improve your relationship with them. When you give what you can rather than beyond your own limits you will feel less resentful and may have more energy to navigate the challenges of the relationship that remain.

I hear you @Liverbird77. I really do.

My dc are much older now but I still remember the hurt caused by this. It's not about needing childcare really. For me, it was about wishing that I was important enough to my mum that she would want to step in and help. Just a tiny bit.

My mum got better with my dc as they got older but there isn't the closeness there that other dc have with their grandparents.

I look at my DD and can't imagine not wanting to help and support her if and when she has young dc. And yes, it will be tiring but little ones are exhausting... That's why the primary caregiver needs a break!

I do hope that you can sort something out. And by the end of this month, I would send the following message.. "Things have been really busy and tiring in the past few months. So we've decided that we will be having a very small Xmas this year, just the 4 of us. Thought I would tell you now so that you can make alternative plans".

Stick her birthday present in the post, get your DH to mind the kids and go and do something for yourself on the day you would have been taking her out for lunch.

Separately, make sure DH knows that it is not acceptable to bugger off like that. He's the one who's really caused the problem.

Book the hairdresser again for when you are able to if you can't get a babysitter - if you haven't been for a year, a bit longer won't hurt, annoying as it is.

I’d try and find a regular babysitter in your area (neighbours/school parents with older DC?). Don’t ask them for Christmas, if they want to come then it’s under their own steam and they fit in with your plans.

How old are they, op? Could it be that they're not confident looking after the dc at their young (and quite demanding!) ages.

Having to take the train and bus might be putting them off too. It's a shame the dc can't go to their house as you could have arranged an appointment near to where they live.

It's a shame though as they might regret it when the dc are wary of them as they've not put much effort into the relationship.

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar

They are selfish, but you've shot yourself in the foot with the 'I've told them not to bother' bit.

You should've sailed out of the door with a hearty 'thanks' and then uninvited them for Christmas a few weeks later.

I like this!

Mine are similar, though live farther away (thankfully!) It's hard, but it's their loss in the long term. And it works both ways. Change your Christmas plans.

I never had parents or inlaws to do baby or child duties when my children were young, as both sets lived a 100 miles away from us,
When my daughter was just one year old, and my son was four, we as a family, went to live in the USA for three years. and just had one or two visits from parents and inlaws. You just have to manage these situations and get on with things yourself.

You don't have to go to her house and pick her up and take her for lunch etc. at all! send her a bunch of flowers to her house, and same as PP suggested, no Christmas invite this year either.

They're not obliged to help you out with childcare, but similarly you're not obliged to run around after them for Christmas/birthdays either - they expect this because you've made it the norm, being a mum to young children is full on, you don't need to take anymore on, and don't feel guilty about it either, they're two grown adults I'm sure they can cook a turkey.

Stick her birthday present in the post, get your DH to mind the kids and go and do something for yourself on the day you would have been taking her out for lunch.

This.

I have to say my husband usually brilliant and does more than his share... I'm just cross that he didn't mention this trip until I'd booked it in good faith. We have a family calendar and he didn't write it on there either.

I do appreciate they are very young (2 and 1), but I am asking for five hours between two adults within the home or at most a trip to the park next door. Also, they'll probably be asleep for the first couple of hours as they get up early and are tired out by running around at playgroup.

I'll never book anything again without a full conversation first. The stress and hassle this has caused is unbelievable!!!
I am now trying to find a local babysitter.

God,my parents where the same-with us then when I had kids
Would re-tell the amusing stories and act like doting grandparents if anyone was watching but in private it was so different
My dad would place a screaming baby in another room so he didn’t have to listen to them and my mother would ‘refuse to spoil them’ by picking them up
They’d leave them in shitty nappies rather than change them
When they got older,they’d let them play in their street-not a main road but just off one-just so the neighbours could see them playing at best grandparents (I only found out years later-I’m still angry)

Loads more but I’d be here all year if I started listing

It came to a head when my son had an accident and broke his arm
I had to phone to beg them to babysit so I could get him to a&e
My mother laughed and told me she couldn’t miss home and away-and I was to take all 6 kids with me ‘if your that bothered’
I ended up ringing a mate,who’s mum came to babysit her kids and to get her to mine
Got him to a&e and they kept him in overnight
My parents went to pick him up the next morning (without my permission) and first I knew was him on the doorstep,waving his cast!

They told everyone I’d had to be begged to get him to a&e as ‘any fool could see it was broken’

I fully intend to be the most supportive granny ever if I’m lucky enough to have grandchildren

It’s shit-you have my full sympathy

Are the actually invited each year for Christmas, or do they just presume they're coming to yours?

OP my parents are the same, it’s horrible, and like a PP said, not due to the lack of ‘help’ (although this of course is consequential) but because it is indicative of how far down the list of priorities I am to my parents and my children too.

I would say it’s their loss, but I’m not sure it is tbh. They obviously don’t want to be close to my children and have enough photos and insight that they can pretend to friends that they are involved (my parents go so far as to follow all of their extra curricular activities on social media so they can pretend to know what’s going on, but they don’t actually come and see the children to ask them in person )

I'm one of 4 and we used to stay at our grandparents most weekends so my parents could go out. I also have 4 children and I could count on one hand the amount of times my parents babysat for mine (kids are all grown up now) and if they had them overnight they used to have one at a time as that's all they could manage. The double standards are what get me. My DHs side, zero interest in our children. Only one grandparent left now who has no relationship with them. It's very sad - OP YANBU - hope you find someone

Please stick the birthday present in the post.

if you get backlash, I would say/write something like this:

We obviously have very different ideas about what family is. Mutual love, help and respect is what I want, but that doesn't seem to be what you want.
I don't have the spare time or energy to keep pouring so much in to you and not getting anything back.

Well you clearly need to stop the pandering to your parents and absolutely insist that your DH writes his plans on the calendar!
You need to lay down some boundaries here.

Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch

DO NOT do this. Cancelling their Christmas invitation might be extreme, and so you may want to think about that. But absolutely no fucking way should you be putting yourself out so much for a birthday of a person who won’t make an effort to help you out at all.

Post her a card if you need to, but surely there’s a point where you have to say “I have 2 small children and I am not putting myself out for you anymore, when I get NOTHING in return”.