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Original poster

A useless grandparents rant

365 replies

Liverbird77 · 11/11/2021 13:44

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

OP posts:
Herecomesthesun70 · 13/11/2021 11:56

I'm so happy to read your update.
I agree with everything you've said. Your parents are being shitty.
Focus on your little family and let your parents get on with being shit by themselves
I also understand the house thing I'm dreading sorting out my parents home it stresses me out a lot.

Enjoy your hair do and a few hours off with no guilt

armslength · 13/11/2021 11:59

In a few years time you would be more free when they start school and also could leave them at parties/play dates unsupervised for a couple of hours where you can get your bits and bobs sorted and also it would be easier to tag them along. It's very hard with young ones doing it all alone with your husband and both of you are doing a great job with no support. Time goes quickly.

My grandma never wanted to ever look after us even when we were like 10 years old for a few hours when my mum and dad wanted to attend a wedding despite her living abroad and she only saw us once every couple of years because apparently it was too much for her but she was more than happy to look after her daughters two hyperactive kids for many years every single day where her daughter moved literally next door to her to get free childcare and free meals and laundry service. Fast forward to today, my grandma is all alone and she has no relationship with us and complains no one visits her, so long story short, you reap what you sow.

BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 13/11/2021 12:04

My god @Defeatedbylife I'm so sorry, they sound like utter heartless bastards.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families
BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 13/11/2021 12:08

I think it shows how overwhelmed the OP has been feeling @mum11970 so why you feel the need to keep berating her is beyond me. I mean, if this is how you'd talk to someone in real life crack on, but if not maybe have a wee think.

Original poster
Liverbird77 · 13/11/2021 12:10

@mum11970 actually they are both coming for the full five hours.
I burst into tears because this is the first time anyone has been so kind to me. I am not used to accepting help but they were so genuine I was overwhelmed. I can only assume from your heartless post that you have no idea what this feels like.

It's also clear you haven't got a clue what you're talking about when it comes to my situation.
When did I say they owed me? If you had bothered to read it then you'd have read that I explicitly say they don't have an obligation.

I have been a very good daughter, under extremely challenging circumstances. I only let them see my dad because I want them to have a relationship with their grandad. If you knew the half of it, then believe me, I think you would be saying poor me.

It seems that you think I have some obligation towards them? That I should continue to plan nice things, buy gifts, cook meals and ferry them around/drive to their house. Well it's not happening. They don't owe me and I don't owe them. It's a very sad state of affairs.

OP posts:
MrsKDB · 13/11/2021 12:20

you sound absolutely lovely. I am so pleased you've found a way to make it to your appointment.

Please ignore the shitty posts, some people are so mean and rude.

I would be cutting your parents out completely tbh. They are completely self absorbed. Focus on your kids, husband and building a network of supportive friends.

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 13/11/2021 12:30

OP I am really glad you’ve managed to find some people to help! That’s awesome news. Also I’m sorry about your parents but I’m glad you’ve put your foot down and won’t be hosting them. Don’t give them the those tickets you bought for Christmas. Get them something else Flowers

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 13/11/2021 12:31

I’m also betting your mum doesn’t believe you when you say you won’t be having them round for Christmas. Stay strong. I doubt you’ve heard the last of it!

IncessantNameChanger · 13/11/2021 12:58

It can a bit grating when your parents had great support from their parents and also my dh had very doting and involved grandparents too. But now his parents literally avoid the kids like the plague.

No visits, no babysitting, no invites over. No involvement at all and no presence at all in their lives.

DHS dad has suddenly taken a I test now the eldest is 18. Although ds is found of him, there is no special bond.

But worse is mil who never even engages with the kids when they are in front of her. Most of the kids actually dislike her.

That is pil rewards for their efforts in building relationships.

No we arent entitled to their company or their love. But it's two ways and has been self fulfilling. The kids wont have lovely tales to tell of their grandparents like dh or mil has. There is nothing at all to tell.

DaisyStiener · 13/11/2021 13:10

@mum11970 bugger off this thread and stop trolling her. Jesus….

AreYouRightThereSkippy · 13/11/2021 13:19

@mum11970 honestly you sound drunk and mean drunk at that. Bit early for it, no?

Op, I'm really glad it's sorted. I totally understand why you're disappointed. They don't owe you their time, but you don't owe them yours. You have a lot on your plate with a 1 and a 2 year old. Concentrate on them and your dh; the people who actually deserve your attention.

Helpstopthepain · 13/11/2021 13:31

@Liverbird77

Anyway, a positive update, I attend an absolutely brilliant gym. I asked this morning if anyone knew of a babysitter and immediately three women jumped in with an offer of help. Two of them will do it between them. I will of course see them right for this and help them out with anything they need going forward. I was so overwhelmed I burst into tears.
I’m so pleased for you op!
Georgieporgie29 · 13/11/2021 13:33

[quote Liverbird77]@mum11970 actually they are both coming for the full five hours.
I burst into tears because this is the first time anyone has been so kind to me. I am not used to accepting help but they were so genuine I was overwhelmed. I can only assume from your heartless post that you have no idea what this feels like.

It's also clear you haven't got a clue what you're talking about when it comes to my situation.
When did I say they owed me? If you had bothered to read it then you'd have read that I explicitly say they don't have an obligation.

I have been a very good daughter, under extremely challenging circumstances. I only let them see my dad because I want them to have a relationship with their grandad. If you knew the half of it, then believe me, I think you would be saying poor me.

It seems that you think I have some obligation towards them? That I should continue to plan nice things, buy gifts, cook meals and ferry them around/drive to their house. Well it's not happening. They don't owe me and I don't owe them. It's a very sad state of affairs.[/quote]
I am so pleased for you op

moocow123 · 13/11/2021 13:38

They sound shit.

Stop inviting them over. Make no effort whatsoever to arrange visits. Send her present in the post and tell her you can't make it over for her birthday.

My parents are nowhere near this bad but will never ever invite me to theirs yet I invite my Mum out for lunch, up for coffee, cooked Xmas dinner with a young baby and there is never any offer that they will do it. My Mum always lets me pay for the lunches as well. Once you stop making the effort they will either buck their ideas up or they won't make any effort and then I wouldn't bother to contact them first.

Lovinglifeand · 13/11/2021 14:11

I really feel for you and know exactly what this is like. Of course, you should ask them to babysit and most Grandparents would jump at the chance.
My in-laws point blank refused to ever be alone with my children so never babysat , never had them over for trips or a meal. My children are now in their twenties. My in-laws have never cooked for us, entertained us or paid for us (or themselves) if we have gone out for a meal together. I always have them over here, feed them and look after them. I see it as some form of anxiety, but it comes across as spectacularly rude. We do have a good relationship with them, but I have learned to only give what I am happy to do so and never expect anything back.
Your parents will miss out on so much by not doing things with your children. But, they only have themselves to blame. Try not to take it personally, some people are just not capable of being good grandparents.

I'm so pleased that you have found a couple of wonderful friends to look after your kids. Perfect solution!

Original poster
Liverbird77 · 13/11/2021 14:14

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has posted something supportive, offered help or to meet up, or shared their own stories.

There are some incredibly supportive women on here.
To anyone else struggling, I hope you also find some support.

OP posts:
Derbee · 13/11/2021 14:26

@mum11970 what a nasty cow you are. Surely you’ve got something better to do than sit on the internet being a bitch?

Gonnagetgoing · 13/11/2021 14:54

@Liverbird77 - that’s a great update! Glad you managed to find a solution.

I do agree it is a bit shit of your parents not to make an effort but that’s the way of the world sometimes, can’t change them! 😕 definitely disappointing though.

Darlingx · 13/11/2021 15:03

Derbee

My thoughts exactly is this like twitter where people are trolling . What is the point of specifically being nasty to someone on here? What does it gain?

Ginger1982 · 13/11/2021 15:34

@mum11970

To be honest, I gave up reading your posts as they were all entitled, poor me and how your parents owed you their time. I assume your parents will have to travel at least an hour each way to your house and then babysit for 5 hours in between and you can’t see how entitled you are. You say your children will be asleep for two hours but you can only hope your kids will nap from 1-3, that isn’t something you can be sure of and the Law of Sod generally guarantees they won’t. If your parents see your children so infrequently I, also, assume the kids will probably not be comfortable and may well play up as soon as they realise mummy isn’t there. Has it even occurred to you that your parents cherry pick when to drive because of failing eyesight and no longer being confident to drive in busy areas. My mother, who is also in her 70s, drives on a daily basis but won’t drive in the dark anymore. My dad, also in his 70s, managed to hide his dementia for a long time by avoiding situations where he could get overwhelmed and it begin to show. As for bursting into tears because two gym going buddies, who I very much doubt are in their 70s, will look after your kids for a couple of hours each (notice neither offered 5 hours of their time, never mind another 1 hour travelling each way) is verging on the ridiculous.
What an unpleasant individual you are 🙄
Loudestcat14 · 13/11/2021 16:01

mum11970 Did you mean to sound so vile? Or does it just come naturally to you?

freshcarnation · 13/11/2021 16:36

Good for you OP. I'd be ashamed if I treated my grandchildren like yours have.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 13/11/2021 18:39

@mum11970

To be honest, I gave up reading your posts as they were all entitled, poor me and how your parents owed you their time. I assume your parents will have to travel at least an hour each way to your house and then babysit for 5 hours in between and you can’t see how entitled you are. You say your children will be asleep for two hours but you can only hope your kids will nap from 1-3, that isn’t something you can be sure of and the Law of Sod generally guarantees they won’t. If your parents see your children so infrequently I, also, assume the kids will probably not be comfortable and may well play up as soon as they realise mummy isn’t there. Has it even occurred to you that your parents cherry pick when to drive because of failing eyesight and no longer being confident to drive in busy areas. My mother, who is also in her 70s, drives on a daily basis but won’t drive in the dark anymore. My dad, also in his 70s, managed to hide his dementia for a long time by avoiding situations where he could get overwhelmed and it begin to show. As for bursting into tears because two gym going buddies, who I very much doubt are in their 70s, will look after your kids for a couple of hours each (notice neither offered 5 hours of their time, never mind another 1 hour travelling each way) is verging on the ridiculous.
What an unpleasant person you are.
expatmigrant · 13/11/2021 19:19

Kudos to you. I am so glad you found babysitters. Having my hair done has always been one of the most important appointments in my calendar and still is.
My two are grown up now but we have no grandchildren yet. My DH and I support our DCs all the way and will do so when we do eventually have grandchildren.
Apropos the ballet tickets...use them for you and a friend...or give them to the babysitters ;-)

user1472151176 · 13/11/2021 19:20

I would change the appointment and stop inviting them for Christmas and Easter.