A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

@wishingitwasfriday because I haven't even thought to book a hair appointment! Is it compulsory to go within a certain time frame?
Neither of us go out socially. I go to the gym very early in the morning and that's it. We spend all our time with the children or running the house or, in his case, working. We are very busy and are fine with it. We don't usually ask for outside help with anything from anyone. I haven't said he's "amazing", what I said was that he pulls his weight, which is true. This was all down to a lack of communication and unfortunate timing.
I don't really begrudge him his trip, it's more the timing of it and the not mentioning it earlier.

As I've also said, I understand that my parents aren't obligated to help. What a strange way to think though, especially since they had so much hands on support from my grandparents.

I feel for you liverbird I really do, totally get wanting a bit of a treat it can be a hard slog with two babies, your parents are the losers though in the end, as the dcs get older and maybe won’t be fussed in spending time with them, as grandparents you have to put the time in build up the bond, it is tiring as you get older must admit some days I can be exhausted but oh my it’s worth it when they cuddle & kiss you & tell you they love you.
My dd is an adult doesn’t mean she doesn’t need me at times, I’m her mother & always will be my dgd’s are the cherry on the top I’m grateful that I’m still reasonably fit enough too look after them.
I’m sorry you & others on this thread don’t have some support.

Your mum not wanting to get you a coffee 😱 So mean! Especially as they had no qualms getting themselves bacon sandwiches. Your mum needs to understand you reap what you sow, I agree with pp, distance yourself a bit for birthday and Christmas.

@ittakes2 perhaps you need to get your iron levels checked or something? I am 44 and my husband is 46 and we are coping fine.

I think it's very rare that someone aged 50 couldn't cope with two kids for five hours in a house where everything had been prepped, they have a playroom, a garden and a television!

YABU to have expectations of your parents but none of the father of the child.

They are both shit to be fair, but the rents don’t have any obligations to the child, the husband does.

One last thing, if you are hoping for help, don’t expect the helper to do your thing such as playgroup, when mine have DC I absolutely will help but I would rather be at the butterfly gardens or baking then sitting in a toddler group talking crap with other mums.

I’d cut back on what I do for them in return. Be careful with going out of your way for birthday, Christmas etc as they get older it will turn into “can you run around after me?” And you will end up as a skivvy as they live their rural idyll. They reap what they sow.

@dontcallmelen what a lovely post

You need to stop doing things for them.

@Liverbird77 the follow-up comments make it clear how mean the GPs are. But lots of women in their fifties struggle with energy because of perimenopause. I was so energetic at your age but peri menopause has made everything much harder.

We invite them because otherwise my mum would have a crap day.

She has to just to suck it up & you need to not feel guilty

@ittakes2 as I've said, I am really annoyed with my husband. He absolutely messed up but he can't change it now.
I am mad at my parents for being so funny about helping out when they could. I won't be asking them again. You obviously think I am totally out of order for wishing I had a bit more support.
I guess I am jealous of those with involved grandparents and close knit brothers and sisters.
As others have pointed out, family obligations don't just flow one way. They don't have to help us, equally we don't have to help them e.g. doing their fucking shopping and delivering it to their front door during the height of Covid, getting her TV series on memory sticks, sorting out issues with her phone, ordering and looking stuff up online, spending ages choosing gifts etc etc

I don't understand why so many people are being twatty to the OP. There's clearly a pattern of her doing a lot for her parents and them doing little to nothing in return. This isn't about keeping score, it's about feeling hurt that people you love don't show YOU much love or care or want to spend time with your children. I'd be upset too.

@Liverbird77 on a purely practical level I think it might be simpler to cancel your hair appointment but ask your hairdresser to put you on the cancellation list, pretty sure someone will have to cancel an appointment before Christmas because they're isolating or unwell.

@SpeakingFranglais your post makes absolutely no sense!
For the umpteenth time: why would you say I have no expectations of my husband? As I've said, over and over, he's an excellent father. He's been nowhere all year either. He cooks, he cleans, he plays with the kids, reads to them, does laundry, does the family shop. He does everything, as well as holding down a job which enables me to stay at home with them. He is super involved and the kids adore him.
He screwed up on this occasion by not mentioning the trip soon enough. He has apologised. I am pissed off about it but, as I've said, it's a work thing and it can't be changed.

As for your other point, what on earth are you going on about? I am not expecting anyone to go to a playgroup. Can you explain what you mean?
I wouldn't give a fuck if they wanted to go to a butterfly garden or bake!
As for me, I go to a couple of playgroups, as well as gymnastics, a farm, a SureStart, an Action Tots' session, as well as my eldest doing two days in nursery and an afternoon in a private prepare for school group. We also visit the library weekly, as well as draw, bake, do puzzles, imaginative play, park visits etc. Me and my husband are completely focused on our children and their development. I don't have a "helper", not do I want one. I just wanted some help from my parents as a one off.

@dontcallmelen lovely response, thank you.

Can't you get a mobile hairdresser to come to your home?

Oh OP i really feel for you! It is such a hassle for just a hair app! Bah!
My parents also dont help; they say they do but they really really dont and just make things worse.
I hope you find a healthy way of dealing with your parents and that you manage to go to the hairdresser soon.

Ps: i honestly dont understand why you are getting such a hard time here! Your husband forgot something, yes it’s annoying but doesnt make him a monster! And you ask for help for a few hours, doesnt mean you can’t cope! You’re just a lady trying to go to the hairdresser! Good luck x

@Dillydollydingdong no. I have a hairdresser that I am happy with. Usually it wouldn't be an issue.
Also, as I've said upthread, there's no way I could have a hair appointment with the kids there running round!

Op I've not read the thread and I'm sure the "usual suspects" have told you, you're selfish and shouldn't have had children expecting your parents to look after them.

I think it's selfish of them especially as they expect you to look after them over Xmas.

I think this year you need to forewarn them that unfortunately you can't host them as you are run off your feet....

Op ignore.

It's selfish. They are not regularly baby sitting and you asked for a one off.

Please, please, take a deep breath and simply tell them you want to warn you them now you can't host them at Xmas. End of

[quote Liverbird77]@SpeakingFranglais your post makes absolutely no sense!
For the umpteenth time: why would you say I have no expectations of my husband? As I've said, over and over, he's an excellent father. He's been nowhere all year either. He cooks, he cleans, he plays with the kids, reads to them, does laundry, does the family shop. He does everything, as well as holding down a job which enables me to stay at home with them. He is super involved and the kids adore him.
He screwed up on this occasion by not mentioning the trip soon enough. He has apologised. I am pissed off about it but, as I've said, it's a work thing and it can't be changed.

As for your other point, what on earth are you going on about? I am not expecting anyone to go to a playgroup. Can you explain what you mean?
I wouldn't give a fuck if they wanted to go to a butterfly garden or bake!
As for me, I go to a couple of playgroups, as well as gymnastics, a farm, a SureStart, an Action Tots' session, as well as my eldest doing two days in nursery and an afternoon in a private prepare for school group. We also visit the library weekly, as well as draw, bake, do puzzles, imaginative play, park visits etc. Me and my husband are completely focused on our children and their development. I don't have a "helper", not do I want one. I just wanted some help from my parents as a one off.[/quote]
Whoa, you sound massively angsty at everyone.

I wouldn’t babysit for you either. Massively overreaction.

Over and out.

In laws let us down so massively the one time we asked for help for my sisters wedding that all my family were at I have never quite got over it and the kids now teens! Not helped by seeing that they do weeks on end child care for Dh brothers child who it has to be said is significantly harder work than our two were at the same age. Hey ho. Dd aged about 6 asked if they were still her grandparents as they so rarely saw them! Their excuses for not seeing the grandkids were pretty funny though ranging from paperwork to caring for their cat.

I built up a network of lovely local friends with kids the same age and we helped each other out. Far easier and reciprocal so no guilt.

Bluntly… not their kids, not their problem. DH is the issue here not GPs

I was 100% with you until you mentioned your ages- if you're 44, I'm guessing your parents would be in their 70s?

It might genuinely be too much for them. I had a 1 & 2 year old and I know my parents found it really draining when they'd occasionally babysit, and they're in their early 60s. They were just out of the habit of looking after young kids.

That being said, you're getting an unreasonably hard time on this. Its not selfish of you to want your hair done, and it must be a kick in the ovaries to know that you just can't rely on your own parents for a spot of very very occasional childcare.

OP, I totally get it. It's the frustration of your plans having to change whilst people who could help, and do so fairly easily, won't. It's shit, and I've had it from both sides. I don't have any words of advice but I would reconsider Christmas with your parents and whilst it isn't tit for tat, I'd 100% be taking your DH up on the suggestion of a weekend away for yourself.