A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

Well - they don't have to help to be fair. However you don't need to host them etc. TBH I'd cancel the hairdresser and get an appointment the day you were meant to be going to hers and taking her out for lunch. Explain that you've had to rearrange and that's the appointment you've been offered and that you'll ring her on the day and pop her present in the post.

Honestly OP, I wouldn't honor anything, you seem very reluctant to upset the applecart, which I imagine your parent know and are very pleased about, but you will feel so resentful, particularly come Christmas when you should be enjoying your children! Tell them now so they can make other plans. For your mum's birthday, pop round with a present and have a cuppa and then leave, give them the same level of effort you get from them

TBH I'd cancel the hairdresser and get an appointment the day you were meant to be going to hers and taking her out for lunch. Explain that you've had to rearrange and that's the appointment you've been offered

Perfect! Go get your hair done

No, they don't have to help. They said they would and then get funny about it nearer the time. It would have been better if they just said no.

I am not entitled, and I totally agree they are under no obligation. As others have said, though, it is very odd behaviour within a family and it works both ways.

As I've said, there are literally no other appointments until into well into the new year, so I couldn't t book the week before even if I wanted to!

I really feel for you. That is shit.

But if I were you I would cancel the hair appointment. I wouldn't want them to hold it over me.

Oh and your mums birthday lunch? Nah, you're too busy.

Sorry OP, your parents sound shit

It's sad, looking at this thread just how many of us are in this situation. My own mother couldn't give a flying fuck about my kids unless there's someone in earshot. If you were to look at her FB she's granny of the year with constant shares of "Share if your grandkids mean the world to you...." shite. Whereas my kids 14, 11 and 9 can't relax around her because they're just not close despite living just minutes away.

And any pics mum shares of my kids? (I have absolutely no problem with social media pic sharing of my kiddos) are only photos that have mum's horses in the shot. She'll go to the effort to type out the horse's prefix (breeding name) and full name, age, and sex and then a cursory "with my grandson" at the end. Bit shit when your granny cares more about an animal than you, right?

The kids know, mum, they do notice it.

Mine booked her 4th holiday that year for the week I was due to give birth after previously agreeing to mind our firstborn because there was absolutely no one else to do it (small village and no last minute/emergency childminding services). Apparently it would be fine, my husband could stay home while I went to give birth and it's not like I couldn't do it without him.

OP, I hope you find a sitter. And I hope your mum finds something else to occupy her on her birthday and at Christmas. Stop putting in effort when she puts in none with you.

I am actually genuinely asking why are you doing it if you don’t feel it’s fair or reciprocated.

I’m on the spectrum and I can be blunt but I don’t understand why you’re reading things into what I said which I didn’t say

Oh sorry OP, this is so hard. I second everyone saying to start pulling back a bit from your parents and not feeling so obligated on Christmas and Birthdays. Boundaries are hard to establish/change but you deserve that time back for you. I cannot imagine having a 1 and 2 year old and think you are doing an amazing job.

My DM and MIL don’t do anything regularly but they are there in emergencies. I am very lucky for that!

Xx

Sorry but your husband was the one that stuff up and you are mad at your parents for not helping fix his mistake?
I have teen twins and I am 50 - I would not able to watch such young children for that period of time anymore. I a) don't have the energy and b) have no idea what to do with such young children anymore. You forget stuff - its scored into your brain because your kids are so young but its not like riding a bike.

OPs husband dropped the ball. It happens, especially to parents of young children with no support and full time jobs (I'm in that boat too, and dropped the ball today. My husband did not get annoyed with me, because he knows how hard it is). OP said he's usually great. I despise useless men as much as the next feminist, but he doesn't seem to be one.

And it seems a very narrow, chilly idea of family to say grandparents don't 'have to' help, or visit, or care. They don't have to, of course, but it's hurtful, because the family relationship usually implies more mutuality, reciprocity, etc: a lifelong bond of care (not always practical care, but emotional caring). I think that's what the OP might be feeling hurt by.

@Passanotherjaffacake thanks for that supportive comment. It really means a lot x

@Waahingwashingwashing ok sorry. Hope it's all clear now. Don't mind you asking any questions if it's not clear

@Cathy31 I think GPs should help out. But not mentioning going away for a whole weekend is more than a slight dropping of the ball. I would be furious if DP did that.

If you live in Hampshire, and your appointment is on a Monday or a Wednesday, I'd happily be your babysitter.
I also wouldn't be taking my Mum for lunch next week! I'm a firm believer in that you get out as a parent, what you put in

@mumjustmum Ah thank you but we are up North! That's very kind!

@julieca believe me, I am furious with him!

The bit you wrote about seeing other kids out with loving grandparents really pulled my heart strings.
I totally hear all your frustration.
Maybe if you find a sitter you could just have a cut and blow dry which would take much less time then the kids won't be left for as long.
Ask some of your mum friends or mothers from play group if they have a decent sitter?
You have my sympathies. They have grown old and tired and they are from a different generation so they won't get why you need this bit of self care.
A big shame and I hope there are other people in your life who will appreciate and enhance your kids lives.

@cathy31 you're so right!
Yes, he genuinely is a great father. He does a lot and doesn't see it as "helping" but rather that we are a team. I can't help but be angry about this though. It's everything: the appointment, the exhaustion and the fact that the run up to Christmas is such great family time.

@Liverbird77

As I've said, there are literally no other appointments until into well into the new year, so I couldn't t book the week before even if I wanted to!

I can’t believe that no hairdresser has availability before Christmas. If you haven’t been for over a year it’s not as if you have a regular one. Even if you have to travel, make a day of it while DH has the DC’s.

But I do understand your upset at their lack of interest. My friend wouldn’t bring her DGD on an outing with me and my DGD. My DGD age 9 said how sad, isn’t that what grandparents are for? Bit presumptuous but we are very hands on grandparents so they know no different.

@Foolsrule

Isn’t there a befriending service for older people who don’t have family to become sort of surrogate grandparents?

Does anyone have contact details for them?

@Faevern yes, I do have a particular hairdresser. I may not have been for a year but I will be going to the one I know and trust to do a good job.
I

So sorry you are going through this. I had the same thing from all grandparents. The logistics of having no-one around to help are one side of the problem, the lack of interest and care for you and their grandchildren is the other, possibly more painful side. It hurt me for many years to see loving grandparents with their family, I am almost over it now they are teenagers. In the end it changed the way I felt about my ‘family’ forever. I will never understand how they didn’t want to spend time with and give love to their grandchildren. I will always be there for my kids and want to help them if I can.

@Liverbird77

I have to say my husband usually brilliant and does more than his share... I'm just cross that he didn't mention this trip until I'd booked it in good faith. We have a family calendar and he didn't write it on there either.

I do appreciate they are very young (2 and 1), but I am asking for five hours between two adults within the home or at most a trip to the park next door. Also, they'll probably be asleep for the first couple of hours as they get up early and are tired out by running around at playgroup.

I'll never book anything again without a full conversation first. The stress and hassle this has caused is unbelievable!!!
I am now trying to find a local babysitter.

But why, in the past year, hasn't your amazing husband had his own children for 5 hours whilst you go to the hairdressers. He lives with you, he doesn't have to get a bus and train to you and they are his children. Your children are not your parents responsibility, they have done their child raising and, for whatever reason, stuck to one child. Maybe they decided that looking after children wasn't for them?

Sounds like you should make sure they know their not invited at Christmas.

@Liverbird77 @Camii yes, that bit about seeing other GPS at the park etc - it's exactly what hurts me most too. Seeing other women have that time with their mums/dads and their kids all together, the company, the extra pair of hands. Reminds me how much easier it could all have been.

@julieca fair point.