A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

I hear you! My DM got loads of help from her parents. They used to pick us up from school, have us in school holidays, babysit. Now she’s enjoying her retirement and doesn’t want to be tied down! We both work FT and she didn’t. It’s very frustrating. It’s no wonder the DC get on better with the in-laws than my DP.

We invite them because otherwise my mum would have a crap day. Our house is much more comfortable. There's never reciprocity though, for a variety of reasons, all of which piss me off.

When I call her out on lack of involvement, she cites the distance between our houses and says she "can't afford to come every week", as if I am asking her for regular childcare!!
Never mind once a week, once a month or two would be nice! Not to babysit either, just to spend time with us.

I totally get that they don't have any obligation to help us out. I just don't understand why they wouldn't help as a one off. I would've thought that's what family normally would do.

They are good at handing out money (never asked for) or unwanted clothes and showing photos to their friends. Sometimes you just need practical help though.

@NotSorry yes! The irony is that growing up my grandparents lived next door. I'd go to them every afternoon after school and usually have tea there and stay the night too!
They were always taking me to things, including bingo and crown green bowling, but I absolutely adored them and enjoyed it all.
Grandma even took me abroad twice on her own.

Of course now history has been re-written and I am told they never babysat!!!!

God this sounds like my mum and dad they’ll do anything for my niece take her out all the time but my kids nope never happens, I have problems walking as my legs go numb I remember I work up and couldn’t walk so I phoned my mum asking if she could take my youngest who’s 9 so I can get help but low and behold nope couldn’t help was told it’ll be ok and just get my older two who are 14 and 15 to help me it’s a complete joke

I completely empathise OP, my DHs parents are exactly the same, have never helped, never offered, absolutely useless. My parents are abroad so can’t support (although they would be delighted to if they were nearby) so we use the girls that work at our DDs nursery for babysitting every now and then.
Good luck OP, I hope you manage to get some help.

I am trying to sort out childcare but it is quite difficult as just a one off.
Also, tbh, it makes my hairdo very bloody expensive!!!!!
Ideally I need someone somewhat familiar to the kids or they might freak out!

We invite them because otherwise my mum would have a crap day. Our house is much more comfortable

This isn't your problem, she's not bothered about you having a crap day by having to cancel your hair appointment, or run around like an idiot and spend a fortune on Christmas day, or you and the kids going out of your way to make sure she has a nice birthday

I don’t like your parents or your dh based on this. How shit

OK but if your mother has a crqp day on Christmas, that's because she's decided she can't be arsed with any of the work to be involved in her adult daughter's life, and so doesn't get the good bits. Step right back. Post present. Have you tried rearranging your appointment for then?

Sitters.com have helped us find people to babysit at last minute. Also worth asking all your mum friends if they know anyone, many nursery staff will do child care on weekends / evenings.

You can't make your mum be a good grandmother. In the same way she can't expect you to prioritise her needs when she can't be arsed helping you.

@MargosKaftan I'll have a look at that site.

My husband is really sorry he neglected to mention it. He said it's because it was mooted rather than definite at that stage. As I say, he is normally really involved. He works full time but also does his share of cooking, cleaning, child responsibilities, shopping etc.
He's also suggested I have a weekend away at another time to make up for it, although I don't actually want or need that and it's not tit for tat!

I get that my parents are elderly and not up to regular babysitting, but I feel they over egg this aspect to get out of actually doing anything!

"Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on."

I hope you find a babysitter to sort out the immediate problem.

But for the chronic issue of dealing with them - stop running after them. For her birthday, if you haven't already bought a present, pop a tenner in a card and consider it job done. If you have already bought a present, package it up and drive to a post office instead of their house. Do not take her to lunch.

For Christmas - tell them now that you have decided to have a quiet Christmas this year, they'll have to sort themselves out.

I'm sure they'll kick off, but be blunt. 'Why should I spend time, effort and money on you when you clearly don't give a shit about us?' And if you get the 'we're your parents!' thrown at you you just throw back 'so?'. They can't have it both ways. It will be hard, the first couple of times you do it. You will feel guilty, and as if you are a horrible person. Be assured, you are not. You are, however, dealing with horrible people, and it would be best for you if you protected yourself from them. Keep refusing to pander to them. Each time you do it, it will get easier. ((hug))

Isn’t there a befriending service for older people who don’t have family to become sort of surrogate grandparents?

My in-laws were like this. Never once babysat or helped with anything. Never visited or took the DCs out. Small cheque posted in an envelope about a week after their birthdays. It's hurtful and you feel as there is a lot of missing out on both sides. Mine are grown up now and the grandparents wouldn't be able to pick them out in a line-up!

You know, my ILs are exactly like this. They live ten minutes drive away but easily go 3/4 months without seeing my kids.

They get back what they give. My kids don't enjoy visiting them, and they've reached an age where they've missed out on building the relationship. Tough shit, really.

I totally hear you. My situation is even more annoying as GP’s live a 5 minute drive and still do FA.
Seeing the GP’s at school pickup is what I find upsetting. I think it’s because they are clearly doing that to enable their own children to work. Contributing something really valuable.
Mine did watch my other DC whilst I gave birth. They were annoyed that I couldn’t give them an exact date in advance. I mean, this is what I have to deal with.

They sound hard work! However your post doesnt make it clear whether or not they drive or have a car? Public transport bring what it is means its often a bit of a hike for older people to catch the train etc .Can you see if a friend would look after them maybe for the afternoon? Then you can repay the favour another time . My DGP practically co parented me as a child ,but although they babysat for me a lot my DM would not have been able to do the same as DGM . I would say outright that Christmas is being spent at home with your DP and DC .Dont run them about or cook for them! Meet for drinks .High tea Boxing Day or something instead

Being what it is I mean!

@Foolsrule

Isn’t there a befriending service for older people who don’t have family to become sort of surrogate grandparents?

That would be great but a potential minefield!. It's such a shame we (as a nation) generally aren't close to our neighbours. After reading so many similar posts on here, I often think I would look after their dc for a couple of hours. We would have fun. But you can't just offer strangers and nor should they accept. There were times when mine were young that I was tempted to ask for help from the old ladies queueing at the bus stop.

You sound resigned to how they are. You're taking on too much responsibility for keeping them happy, but not enough for your own happiness. If you try relying on someone who isn't reliable, you're hitting your head on a brick wall. Expect no help and while it's disappointing, you know exactly where you stand. And I'd dial back on the running after their tails.

[quote Liverbird77]@NotSorry yes! The irony is that growing up my grandparents lived next door. I'd go to them every afternoon after school and usually have tea there and stay the night too!
They were always taking me to things, including bingo and crown green bowling, but I absolutely adored them and enjoyed it all.
Grandma even took me abroad twice on her own.

Of course now history has been re-written and I am told they never babysat!!!![/quote]
Honestly? It sounds as if they put as much effort into parenting then as they do grandparenting now. And they're trying to erase your grandmother's love and care too? That is so shit of them.

"I get that my parents are elderly and not up to regular babysitting, but I feel they over egg this aspect to get out of actually doing anything!"
So, no change there then, really?

Hmmm, your DH screws up but you blame your parents?!

Cancel your appointment and make one when your husband is around to look after the kids.

@Howshouldibehave wow! I've said my husband screwed up and that I am very annoyed with him.

I am not blaming my parents for anything. What I am saying is that I am in a bit of a bind on that day and it hurts that it's such a hassle for them to help out.

@Liverbird77 OP, I fully understand what you are saying. Similar issues here if you are anywhere in BT38 area then I'd be happy to help.

My mothers useless with my kids so I don't bother with her anymore

That aside, if you can't cope well with your own children how do you imagine that your less-than-interested parents will cope with them?