A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

Why not book a hair appointment one of the other 51 weeks of the year?

Or use a mobile hairdresser?

Make alternate plans and never ask for help or invite them to your house again.

They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all.

Knock this on the head now.
Tell them your DH and you have had a hard year and send them a hamper as a present.

They are users and takers based on what you have said leave them to it. I would also only meet your parents out and go halves on any meals etc

Have you thought about getting a home hairdresser to come to your house instead? They could come when your DH is around.

My mums reply was always...can I get back to you....if I ever asked for help....nightmare...if nothing else comes up in the meantime was always a reply...gave up in the end.....good luck x

Normally it would be totally fine to have gone. It's just that I didn't know he was going away before I booked it. There's no need for a home hairdresser.

@Chippymunks Yes, I wish I had booked it on a different week. If only I were psychic!
I have tried to reschedule but they are booked up.

You should’ve reorganised your appointment.

I honestly think my dad wouldn't care if he came here one way or another, in fact he'd probably prefer not to come. He makes zero effort.

My mum does like seeing them and being in a nicer environment but is of no practical help.

@Waahingwashingwashing yes, I should. I'll probably just cancel it. As others have advised though I will no longer go one step out of my way to help anyone else apart from my kids.

I don't know why the op is getting a hard time and as for the comment that she can't cope with her own kids.... ridiculous. I don't think asking a grandparent to look after the kids for a few hours is a big deal. I think it's really shitty they won't. Virtually all the parents I know have GPS who would do this. As for my mil, you reap what you sow. I'd be such a lovely dil and helpful but if she does need support as she gets older, she won't be getting it from me!

@Comedycook thank you for your nice comments.

That nonsense about not wanting or being able to cope with the kids really irritated me because I spend every day with them, trying to make their lives lovely. There's nothing wrong with admitting it's hard work sometimes, or for saying I will miss having support from my husband over that weekend.

But your parents don’t cope with them every day. A 2 and 1 year old is a big ask.

@Waahingwashingwashing you're right, especially as they rarely see them. I'll honour my existing arrangements and then that's it. I won't be organising any days out anywhere, taking anyone for lunches, hosting or helping at all. After all, it's a big ask of a mum of two small toddlers.

Send flowers through the post for a birthday if they moan say "I tried"

@Theunamedcat present (requested) is bought and wrapped.

I do sympathise but only you can change the status quo between you. There’s no way I’d dance attendance on my parents while they did nothing to support me.

I feel for you OP.
My PIL live in a different country and were never really interested in babysitting when we stayed with them. They came over when I was pregnant with #2 and it coincided with the 20wk scan - DH asked them if they would look after #1 (3 at the time and easy to look after). Their response was to change their flights so they arrived the day after the scan instead of day before.

My parents aren't great either. If I ask them for help it is because I have no other option yet they make it such a drama and inconvenience that something always ends up difficult. The last time I asked was when I got my wisdom teeth out under general anaesthetic. I needed help for 2 days when #2 was not in nursery and to do the walk to school for #1. DH couldn't take time off work. What happened was my parents also agreed to do things with friends on those days rather than say no because they had committed to me, so there was an overly complicated arrangement of train journeys and me still walking to collect from school despite being delirious with pain.

They remain incapable of letting other people down but will merrily let me down even if they say they will help. And then my mum cries on the phone because she feels guilty.

So I understand OP - you needed their help. It isn't a huge commitment dor them as you will do the hard bits, you just need someone there on an incredibly rare occasion you need their help. I hope they get a grip and see it as a chance to see their grandchildren.

I mean in the real world a lot of people rely on childcare and support from their parents as it's normal and this has been on going since humankind started reproducing and in your case it's a one off where I find it odd that gp's don't offer this. Obviously there's families who don't have this support system and rely on nurseries or nannies/childminders because they either have parents who live abroad or far away or they don't simply have that relationship for other reasons. It sounds to me that you have that relationship with them but it's only one way when it suits them!

Some people will say they don't have to babysit but then again adult children also don't need to take their elderly frail parents to their hospital appointments or do their shopping and generally look out for them either. It works both ways. You are right to feel frustrated as I would too op.

I sympathise. My lot wouldn't have recognised my kids in the street. They were just "so busy ". That isn't an exaggeration. Stop relying on them and find alternatives, then you won't be disappointed or annoyed.

@Lady1576

I’m really annoyed at your parents on your behalf, for not helping out but then expecting to dine out on your nice house and hosting. They’re happy to spend time when it means they are being pampered. I really want to hear you say, you are going to uninvite them as you’ve had barely any time to yourself recently, and your husband and you are going to keep Christmas simple this year. There’s no godly reason your mum’s Christmas has to be crap just because her house is crap. She can make a nice Christmas lunch if she wants! I don’t know why I’m so invested in this

Me too! Totally hope OP lays down some boundaries.

Why are you hosting when you don’t want to and it’s too big an ask for you?

That's crap OP. It's always when you want to do something for you this happens.

Please don't invite them at Xmas and if they ask say "oh I didn't think you'd want to come ." Arseholes.

In fact tell them you are going to the pub to give you a Xmas off or piss off to Spain to the in-laws to make a point!

Being honest, I am happy to help anyone with their kids if they need it.
I am not happy to fill the gaps for useless husbands.
I notice your anger is aimed at your mother and nit your husband where it should be.

@Waahingwashingwashing are you determined to pick at everything?
I don't particularly mind hosting, it's not the hosting at issue. What I've explained is that it is the complete lack of reciprocation that pisses me off.
The last time they took us out for a meal, for example, was before we got married and that was almost five years ago.

I'll give you another example, if you like...I arranged a day out for us all. At lunch time I was sat with the two kids feeding them lunch. Husband had gone to the toilet. My mum said that they were going to get a coffee. My dad actually asked if I wanted anything. Husband not mentioned. My mum immediately said "er, well..." I just said no, we'll get our own later. So off they went. My husband, walking back from the toilet, saw them eating bacon sandwiches and drinking coffee outside the café whilst I was sat with the kids in a picnic area as they ate their lunch. He had to go and get us a drink as clearly I couldn't leave the kids. It's selfish behaviour.