A useless grandparents rant

[Liverbird77]

I just need to moan!
I haven't been to the hairdresser for more than a year. Just saying this so it's clear I am not in and out of salons every month.

I finally booked a hair appointment and immediately told my husband, who then told me he was going to Poland with work that weekend (Friday to Sunday/Monday). He hadn't seen fit to write this on the family calendar or mention it.

I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

There aren't any other appointments available because everything has been booked already. I asked my mum if her and my dad would look after the children between 1-6. I'd do morning playgroup, lunch, put them down for naps, prep dinner.
Anyone would think I was asking the fucking earth.
So much sighing and huffing and "we'll do our best", "we'll try to change the baby's nappy" etc etc.

They live 40mins away. There's a direct train, although they have to get a bus to the station their end. Anyone would think it's the end of the Earth.
For context: my mum babysat once in 2019 on my birthday. We put the baby to sleep and went out for two hours. She tried to cancel on us. She sat with home once for an hour when I had a hospital appointment. They both babysat the eldest for four hours when I had to go away from work and before my husband could get home (10am-2pm) and then when I was giving birth to number two. I mean literally giving birth. Husband came back home about an hour after. When I got home, we cooked them a full dinner and then they left.
They come to our house for Christmas and expect to be waited on hand and foot. We pay for it all. Their house is a shithole and we never get invited there. They never offer to take the kids for a trip out or anything.

Anyway, I've told my mum not to bother because it's obviously such a big deal. I am now trying to find a one off babysitter or childminder for that afternoon. Oh, but the week before I'll have to drive over to her house, pick her up, give her birthday present and take her out for lunch. Then they'll be over for Christmas to eat and drink and be fucking waited on.

I go to playgroup with my youngest and there's grandparents there week in and week out. I go to the park and there's grandparents there.
My dad shows less interest than my mum.
I am an only child so these are their only grandchildren. In laws live abroad.
It makes me so angry and upset!!

I do not expect regular childcare but I really think they could help out once without making such a big deal of it, especially when they expect to come over at Christmas/Easter etc for our hospitality.

@StillCounting123 thank you so much for your lovely offer, however sadly we are not there x

I totally get where you are coming from. No, they don't have an "obligation" to do anything but we all do things we don't necessarily want or have to do as part of family life and I would be very upset and disappointed if I were in your position.

@girlmom21 excuse me, but your comment is ridiculous! What do you mean I can't cope well with my own children??
I look after them day in day out. Is it because I said I was less than thrilled about being left alone for the best part of three days over a weekend? I don't know what you do in your house, but here me and my husband usually do our share of cooking/mealtimes/bathtimes/bedtimes/activities
It's hard work for three days completely alone, including a very physical outdoors kids' party. I didn't say at any point that I couldn't cope!

And while I'm at it, bloody hats off to anybody who does do this alone day in and day out. It is hard work.

@Foolsrule

I hear you! My DM got loads of help from her parents. They used to pick us up from school, have us in school holidays, babysit. Now she’s enjoying her retirement and doesn’t want to be tied down! We both work FT and she didn’t. It’s very frustrating. It’s no wonder the DC get on better with the in-laws than my DP.

That sounds very familiar!

Must admit I would find a local baby sitter

Then have a conversation with them along the lines of sorry we have decided a family only Christmas this year, so will leave you to sort your own Xmas out. As to your mums birthday why not send her vouchers so she and your dad can go out for a meal on you, without you

They have shown you how they feel. Just stop inviting them anywhere. Honestly.

I think you are being unreasonable. I think you should have just rearranged the hairdressers. If you haven't had your haircut for over a year then another week or so wouldn't make any difference. I think the fact they have to come by train makes it a real faff for them.
The fact they are otherwise uninvolved is another matter. My parents are amazing and I'm really close to them as are my children but I've never used them for babysitting really. I've either made sure my husband was free or got in a babysitter. I've four kids and looking after four kids is a bit of a chore tbh
My MIL was similar. She never looked after my kids but has a strong bond with them.

If it was an emergency it would be different but for a hairdressers appointment then you are not being fair on them.
I also think you are being unreasonable to do any tit for tat nonsense. If you don't won't to spend time with them then don't but don't do it to punish them as it is your kids who will lose out.

DM was similar. My siblings all had a hands-on gran, but she didn't ever babysit my DS. I've asked her three times in a decade and each time she said no. Each time it was when childcare genuinely fell through for us and frankly, left us scrabbling. She's retired and lives alone, and in excellent health and mobility. She just didn't want to.

She would hop in the car, drive several hours to my sibling's house to mind her bunch for several days to give my sister and her husband "a well deserved weekend away"

So I got the message loud and clear and stopped asking around about 2015. I built up my own network, cultivated friendships and offered babysitting myself to build up layers of help should I need.

DM would still come to mine for 10 days at Christmas and I'd wait on her hand and foot, I've taken precious annual leave days to drive her to appointments and I regularly visit her for the weekend and bring her out for lunch or dinner. So it's not because I'm a shitty DD. And DS is a quiet polite boy so he's not a bratty kid either. She just didn't want to mind my DS - which while I might be hurt at, is entirely her prerogative.

My lovely MIL asked to take DS one day a week in the years before she passed and DS speaks fondly of that Gran and the afternoons they had together. That made DM jealous, so now she offers frequently. But I've my sitter network now so I'm good thanks.

My own parents are dead and my mil is the most disinterested grandparent imaginable. She has about twenty gc but doesn't seem bothered about any of them. I actually find it sickening and have had many rows with dh over it.

I’m really annoyed at your parents on your behalf, for not helping out but then expecting to dine out on your nice house and hosting. They’re happy to spend time when it means they are being pampered. I really want to hear you say, you are going to uninvite them as you’ve had barely any time to yourself recently, and your husband and you are going to keep Christmas simple this year. There’s no godly reason your mum’s Christmas has to be crap just because her house is crap. She can make a nice Christmas lunch if she wants! I don’t know why I’m so invested in this

Do you need 6 hours to go to the hairdressers?

My grandparents were exactly the same (DM's DF and DM, both divorced) - my DB and I stayed with them a couple of times and I think once by myself with DGF. My step grandmother babysat during the day but was paid by my DM.

They also came over for Christmas and Easter and we went over to their houses too.

My DM on the other hand will babysit her grandson but slight distance (other side of London) means this doesn't happen too much.

I do think in your case they are probably nervous due to the ages but they shouldn't be really!

Don't invite them this Christmas - use the 'family' excuse.

Why is their place such a mess? Do they have physical health problems which make travelling or looking after young children difficult. We look after our DGDs one day a week and have done since the eldest was a baby. They are lovely but hard work but we know that setting up these bonds when they are young pay dividends in later years and because we want to help out our DD in practical terms and they are very entertaining and we have some fun times. Your parents have obviously no such desire to help you or form a bond with their DGC which must hurt and later on I don't suppose your children will be bothered whether they see them or not. You can't change them though so it is best in the future you manage between your DH and yourself. Whether or not you still bother about their birthdays and Christmas depends on how much you want a relationship with them.

If you have not had a hair appointment for a year I would rearrange as there is no way I would pay for 5 hours of sitting just for a hair appointment. Why so long?

They are self absorbed. I've never had help from mine. Once we had accepted a wedding invite only for her to say 'I'm sick I will have the kids only I might be found dead somewhere'

This was after a hearty promise to them. Of course we didn't go. Needless to say I got a bollocking of them after as they were 'disappointed' that we didn't trust them.

Needless to say relations are not good.

1. Don't have them at Christmas this year. Another Sunday perhaps
2. Ensure if you don't want to go away for a weekend you get a shopping trip or pedicure pedicure whatever soon xx

My DM was the same. She used to visit on the pretext of spending time with my DS and then do absolutely nothing the whole time. Considering how shit she was as a mother you would think she would be delighted to have the chance to know her DGS.

Knock Christmas and the birthday treats on the head.

Why don't you get a home hairdresser to come to your house?

Alternatively some hair salons have spaces for kids to play - I know of at least 2 near my house, one has a space out the back for the kids and the other I think in the salon itself.

I think a fair few posters would do well to note this was NOT posted in AIBU.

Im so sorry. It must really hurt that they show no interest in their grandchildren. I'd be tempted to cut contact with them and tell them why. Definitely stop pandering to their needs on bdays and at Christmas.

@Liverbird77
I'm on about this whole paragraph I am not exactly over the moon about this trip, which is mainly a piss up, because I'll be left alone with a two year old and a one year old. Two year old is potty training, there's a kid's party to get to at a farm a long way away on the Saturday, both ate a handful at bedtime etc etc. Anyway.

Complaining you'll be left alone with a 1 and 2 year old like it's a problem to look after them.

I can answer a few questions, which are fair enough. To clarify:

My mum doesn't drive. This is by choice. She can drive. My dad does drive and has a car. They choose not to sometimes, although funnily enough he can get to places he wants to go just fine. For example, they drove from Lancashire to Yorkshire for a holiday a couple of months ago. The train is direct and a three minute walk from my front door, although they would have to get a bus to the station. They insist on living rurally. This is not really practical but my dad has never lived anywhere else.

I am having balayage and a cut. It will take approx five hours, plus time to get there and back. It's a treat. Haven't had it done for more than a year. There's no way I'd get it done at home when I was alone with a two year old and a one year old. Can you imagine? It wouldn't have been an issue if my husband was home.
I tried to reschedule but they are booked up. I wanted to feel nice before Christmas. My hair looks horrible at the moment and I am trying to practice some self care.
Also, to be clear, I am literally asking them to just be in the house with them. I'll give them lunch, put them down for nap, prep their evening meal (although would need heating and feeding), I'll clean their teeth and get them ready for bed. They can't do any of this, apparently.

Their house is a mess because my dad decided to renovate it, starting 14 years ago. Some of his tools were stolen and he has since refused to hire any tradesmen, even though he is incapable of doing the jobs. My mum needs a shower, rather than a bath, but he hasn't done it.
Furthermore, he has various sheds, plus a garage, all chock full of stuff. They don't tidy enough. I actually resent the fact that I'll end up having to deal with all of this eventually but my mum just keeps saying it'll be sorted. Will it hell!

I totally get that it's not the end of the world. It's just something I would appreciate help with, without it being such an apparent hassle. I realise this because I was sent to hospital when pregnant with my second, and had a very horrible norovirus type thing...doctor wanted checks on my kidney function and I was ill for ages. I could t drive or get a cab for obvious reasons so my husband had to drive me...we had to bring our then ten month old with us.
It was the same when we moved house. We had to do it with a six month old in tow.
I'll never be like this with my kids.

They have been good in some ways...paid for school, uni, house deposit. I am not saying they are evil people.

[quote Liverbird77]@NotSorry yes! The irony is that growing up my grandparents lived next door. I'd go to them every afternoon after school and usually have tea there and stay the night too!
They were always taking me to things, including bingo and crown green bowling, but I absolutely adored them and enjoyed it all.
Grandma even took me abroad twice on her own.

Of course now history has been re-written and I am told they never babysat!!!![/quote]
Mine too!!! My grandma looked after me while my mum worked, from I was a few months old, and all the days I was off sick once I started school, and during any holidays my parents wanted to take alone. She drove to us every Christmas morning to see our toys, before going back to her own house to cook Christmas dinner for other children/grandchildren of hers (while my other grandparents came to us for dinner). Now, my parents say they did it all themselves, 'never had any help', and - to justify not visiting us at Christmas, tell me that they remember such magical Christmases, just the four of us

I'm from a culture with a lot of intergenerational trauma, and it's not unusual for grandmothers to do a lot where parents can't. But to hear it lied about now is awful.

So you feel because they've helped financially, you're beholden to them. Do they dangle inheritance like a carrot to keep you compliant while treating you badly?

@girlmom21 honestly? Fuck off. I never said it was a problem. I said I am not exactly thrilled at the thought of doing it all weekend completely and utterly alone. They are two and one. We normally split the load. I don't go out socially. The last time I went for a meal was in 2019 when we were at my in-laws in Spain. My whole life is devoted to my children at the moment. I do resent the fact that he'll be off on a jolly and I'll be doing everything.

I agree they are shit. But I wouldn't be driving over to take them out to lunch or to deliver birthday presents, and I wouldn't be entertaining them at Christmas either.

Send a present or flowers through the post and stop everything else. Stop inviting them. Stop waiting on them hand and foot. Just stop. If they can't be arsed to do anything for you why should you be arsed to do anything for them?

I guarantee your Christmas will be a lot less stressful.