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Original poster

There is half a carrot in my husbands toilet

206 replies

HoneyDragon · 28/10/2021 16:34

and I don’t why and no one is confessing to putting it there.

The likely culprits all have alibis thus far….

Dh has pointed out he doesn’t like carrots
Dd never goes in there because “ew boys”
The dog hasn’t got the mental capacity to open the fridge door, salad drawer, shut the fridge, not eat the carrot and take it upstairs to put in the toilet.
Ds is at work so yet to respond but that seems like more effort than he’d be willing to invest.

I am perplexed.

Do vegetables spontaneously erupt from ubends? I thought that was just reserved for venomous critters and alligators.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoneyDragon · 28/10/2021 23:33

All this trauma was worth it for the terrible dog puns.

Ds finished work tonight at 10pm and then had questions. Namely along the lines of why would I immediately assume a depraved sex act on finding a carrot in the loo. I covered for for you all though even though it was your idea.

OP posts:
Yogawankonobi · 28/10/2021 23:50

Did you shine a light in his face for full honesty though?

MyfanwyMontez · 29/10/2021 00:03

Was it a Camberwell carrot?

PumpkinsandTea · 29/10/2021 00:26

@ChargingBuck

Dh has pointed out he doesn’t like carrots

a-HA!

We have your culprit bang to rights OP. Hoist by his own carrot.

His mitigating circumstance is in fact a cunningly crafted double bluff. He - & only he - disliked the humble carrot vehemently enough to commit foul murder.

Motive - check.
Opportunity - assuming he access to the veg rack & his own bog - check
Means - partial strangulation (the carrot struggled, guv), drowning, & here's the savage twist: the absolute monster compounded his crime by contemptuously shitting on & attempting to flush the corpse - check.

He would have got away with it, without those meddling mumsnet PP's!
Or more robust plumbing arrangements.

Are you a writer? Or a Barrister?! GrinGrinGrin
PumpkinsandTea · 29/10/2021 00:36

@HoneyDragon A male had a whole one up their rear. It snapped. Half came out, the other half did not - until their next bowel movement. After their 'business' had all flushed away, the remaining half a carrot will have stayed there.

Sorry for the vision but it's where all the evidence is pointing 😬🙈

Ellmau · 29/10/2021 00:50

And tried to frame the poor innocent Ddog.

Redruby2020 · 29/10/2021 01:47

@fluffedup

Oh dear, I was going to do a roast dinner tomorrow night, may reconsider that now ...

Apparently rats can get into houses via U-bends, maybe a cute little rat (I love rats) was looking for somewhere to store the nice piece of carrot he'd found, realised he'd got into a human house and retreated in a panic, leaving the carrot behind.

Roast dinner part cracked me up 🤣

Oh god, about u bends, we've got enough to worry about here, having seen a big dirty rat running up the street and in to the gardens 😵‍💫

yumyumdinner · 29/10/2021 01:53

One morning when I was still living at home, my (hungover) DM frogmarched all the kids into the kitchen to ask who had put the used tea bag on top of the painting. We all vehemently denied it but she was still suspicious. It was only later on when the foggy memories came back from the night before she remembered that she was cross with my Ddad over something and had thrown a used teabag at him as he was walking away through the door! It had got caught on the top of the painting and there it stayed till the next day Grin

yumyumdinner · 29/10/2021 01:54

Thought that story was relevant to, OP. Sometimes we do things that we have no memory of, like putting carrots down toilets.

SiobhanRoy · 29/10/2021 02:14

I cannot with carrots.

I once saw a thing on tv (one of those odd shows on some obscure channel at 2am) - weird deaths or something. Woman shoves carrot up her foof. Coz why not. Now my memory of this might not be 100% accurate. But if I remember correctly they carrot (which I think was peeled) has little groove things so it doesn’t…go up very smoothly.

Anyway long story short she died from some kind of carrot related foof injury.

I haven’t been able to look at carrots the same way since. They make me cringe.

I’ll see if I can find a link.

Pheasantlysurprised · 29/10/2021 02:20

I call bullshit post.

1forAll74 · 29/10/2021 02:21

Was the carrot an Aldi one, or a Waitrose one. Waitrose would not like to hear that their carrots end up in men's bathrooms, for whatever reasons.

PaulaTrilloe · 29/10/2021 02:31

1 of his 5 a day?! Grin

Angelbaby1985 · 29/10/2021 02:38

Sure it was not a big orange coloured poo

MrsCatE · 29/10/2021 03:30

I reckon you should buy some nice carrot cake and as DS is just about to shovel some in, along with loads of cream cheese icing, catch his eye and raise one, querying MN eyebrow a la Roger Moore.

Twilight7777 · 29/10/2021 03:42

Sorry but your ds is possibly telling porkies he’s been doing something with the carrot and doesn’t want to admit it

hibye123 · 29/10/2021 05:10

@HoneyDragon

Ds is denying sexual relations with the carrot.
😂😂😂😂
Dontsayyouloveme · 29/10/2021 05:18

Another for up the bum fun… in all seriousness.

Original poster
HoneyDragon · 29/10/2021 09:12

Those of you still on the sex thing. Even if ds had wanted to he has had no opportunity, poor love. He spent his morning tidying his room whilst his sister and I, and the builders and electrician were all around. So not much privacy for root vegetables shenanigans.

As for the adorable junior troll hunting division feel free to report the post, stating an elaborate vegetable in a toilet tale. If MN want to do behind the scenes investigations I’m sure the time stamped photos I sent to household members, and various texts back and forth would do. But at a push I can probably drum up some signed witness statements and daily mail sad faces as well for HQ.Grin Not to mention they know I’m a real human being as Justine accidentally outed my real name on here years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoneyDragon · 29/10/2021 09:15

MrsLargeEmbodied was the most convenient location as he went upstairs to yeet the carrot into, once he decided it wasn’t a nice carrot. The bin would have involved more effort.

OP posts:
psychomath · 29/10/2021 09:45

It's not only men with the weird sex shenanigans, btw. My friend's an A&E nurse and once had to help remove a boiled egg from someone's vagina.

CherryRipe1 · 29/10/2021 10:25

Was it the return of Aldi's Kevin Carrot?

MamDancer · 29/10/2021 10:30

@psychomath

It's not only men with the weird sex shenanigans, btw. My friend's an A&E nurse and once had to help remove a boiled egg from someone's vagina.
People don't seem to use knitted egg cosys any more Sad
REP22 · 29/10/2021 10:37

@HoneyDragon - there is an intriguing other thread currently active on here - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/food_and_recipes/4387529-Discreet-but-trustworthy-food-delivery-services?watched=1&msgid=112036982#112036982 - that's not you, trying to order in some more surreptitious "pleasure veg", is it? Wink

Good luck to you, in any case!

seethesuninwintertime · 29/10/2021 12:27

"People don't seem to use knitted egg cosys any more"

took me a moment there.....