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Original poster

I want to go to work and never come back

461 replies

Sickit · 20/10/2021 20:49

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

  • why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).
  • why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion
  • does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

OP posts:
QueenDanu · 20/10/2021 20:53

It's weird isn't it. I know exactly how you feel but women never leave to be EOW mums. they're missing a trick. Cos that would be great.

I think you should lower some of your standards though. So the house is not tidy? big deal. pizza for dinner? so be it. 5 minutes late for school, ah well.

Honestly. FORCING myself to lower my standards got me through those tough years with young kids.

QueenDanu · 20/10/2021 20:55

Another thing I used to find baffling as a slovenly mum was how often people bathed their children. Just making work. Once a week was often enough and that was before we had wipes.

LadyJaye · 20/10/2021 20:55

More of a sticking plaster than a solution, I know, but do you have any option at all of throwing money at things, such as getting a good and reliable cleaner in? Perhaps a local student teacher or nursery nurse, looking to build their portfolio, who might take your kids for some activities?

It may just buy you back a little bit of time to do hobbies/go for a walk/sit in total silence for a while?

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LizzieSiddal · 20/10/2021 21:00

Could you go 4 days a week, if you had a day of a week, you could get a lot done in that day at home.
It isn’t fair that your both working full time but you are the one doing most of the household stuff and ferrying the Dc about, so at least one day off work would make you less stressed.

Or get a cleaner.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 20/10/2021 21:02

I’m sorry I can’t help as I feel the same. Is this it? Is this life?

Dailywalk · 20/10/2021 21:02

I know it feels relentless but it won’t always be like this. Your kids are obviously young.
Is there an option to reduce your hours? Could you get a cleaner? A regular meet up with friends can give you a break and something to look forward to.

Lightswitch123 · 20/10/2021 21:03

I think it's really important to have something that is just for you. Could you get a part time job?

TheVanguardSix · 20/10/2021 21:06

How old are the kids and can they go to a closer school (I'm not sure that matters though if drop off and pick up is en route to work)? That school run might be having a bigger impact than you imagine.
Also, get a cleaner.
Do you have a laundry service that can collect, clean, and return?
Maybe do ready meals a couple of nights a week. I get an M&S Lasagne tray, paella tray, or spaghetti and meatballs and it just makes two week nights that much simpler.

I'm miles away from those early years, but for about a year, I outsourced a lot of the laundry (especially things like my husband's shirts that also needed ironing, huge loads of towels, bed linens). I had a cleaner for about 3 years, and the one thing I have never stopped is online shopping. I haven't had a cleaner for years and always do the laundry. But I'm in a totally different place with the kids now. You will get much more breathing space. You need your youngest to get to 7 before you feel totally human again. Flowers

RoseAddict · 20/10/2021 21:06

Just wondering if you might be my age (mid 40s) and it might be connected to lowered estrogen levels which make some women lose the nurturing feelings. I struggle with similar feelings sometimes even though I love my children more than life itself. It’s just so demanding being at home and I never catch up with the cleaning etc either. I do pay for a cleaner which helps but there’s still masses to do and it feels like an endless exhausting treadmill. This week I had a health scare and thought I was going to die and that made me see it all differently but I hope that doesn’t happen to you and I hope you find a way through it. Flowers

DamnUserName21 · 20/10/2021 21:07

@LadyJaye

More of a sticking plaster than a solution, I know, but do you have any option at all of throwing money at things, such as getting a good and reliable cleaner in? Perhaps a local student teacher or nursery nurse, looking to build their portfolio, who might take your kids for some activities?

It may just buy you back a little bit of time to do hobbies/go for a walk/sit in total silence for a while?

Yes! This! Outsource for your sanity and happiness if you can. I get it, OP. I have one DC whom I adore but tonight I was hoping for a time machine.
Two glasses of wine later and I'm feeling more mellow. Parenting is relentless.
Original poster
Sickit · 20/10/2021 21:09

@LizzieSiddal

Could you go 4 days a week, if you had a day of a week, you could get a lot done in that day at home. It isn’t fair that your both working full time but you are the one doing most of the household stuff and ferrying the Dc about, so at least one day off work would make you less stressed.

Or get a cleaner.

We have cleaner, but they don't do laundry, tidy up, put clothes away or change bedding.

DH works 3 contracted hours more than me (40 Vs 37) and his commute is 40 minutes each way if he times it right, where as mine is 20. It means I get home earlier than him so do more then - if I left it he'd do it but there's feeding the kids which I have to do plus getting them ready for bed as he isn't home.

OP posts:
trilbydoll · 20/10/2021 21:10

It does get easier as they get older. Agree about quick and easy meals, for everyone.

I know your dh has less flexibility but can he do any pick ups? I find that feeling of having to leave on time hangs over me all day, I'm much more relaxed when dh is doing pick up.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/10/2021 21:12

And don't cook twice everyday. You and dh eat same dinner as kids. And make enough most days to last another day.
As suggested get a teenager to babysit at weekends and do some exercise as it clears your head and makes you feel free again if only for a short while

GoodVibesHere · 20/10/2021 21:12

@Lightswitch123 the OP says she already has a job

It is so very tough when they are little. It gets better gradually.

thistimelastweek · 20/10/2021 21:12

It's a terrible paradox.

You don't know you could have been happy without children until you have children.

But once you have children you can't unwish them.

Original poster
Sickit · 20/10/2021 21:13

@QueenDanu

It's weird isn't it. I know exactly how you feel but women never leave to be EOW mums. they're missing a trick. Cos that would be great.

I think you should lower some of your standards though. So the house is not tidy? big deal. pizza for dinner? so be it. 5 minutes late for school, ah well.

Honestly. FORCING myself to lower my standards got me through those tough years with young kids.

I've already dropped them, they can't get any lower. Our diet is awful, bedding is changed monthly, 5 mins late for school would mean I was 30 minutes late for work!
OP posts:
CasaBonita · 20/10/2021 21:13

How old are your kids? Do you have any time for hobbies/something just for yourself? I find that really lifts my mood.

However I agree, the tedium and huge restrictions on your life are difficult to deal with.

SpacePotato · 20/10/2021 21:13

Tbh, I think girls are sold a lie from a young age that they should want to marry and have children. It's seen as 'the goal' in life.

Then as women we are conditioned to put our own needs last.

WakeMeUpin22 · 20/10/2021 21:14

I used to feel like this. I have a 5 & 6 year old and I used to feel like this. It was so hard to begin with but it does get easier. You sound really worn down & disconnected. Do you think you might be depressed?

nodogz · 20/10/2021 21:15

Any chance you might be neurodiverse op? Adhd maybe?

I ask because so many people are being diagnosed after covid as it stripped away loads of coping strategies. (And many realising there was only a problem or difficulties since having children)

Work is probably one place you can get a nice continuous stream of happy brain chemicals yet at home it's all effort and no reward. You'll get lots of people telling you to cut your work hours but what about upping them? And then, getting a nanny or au pair to share the load between you and your partner.

It's really quite tedious having small children. Lots of people feel like this with or without having different brain wiring.

Original poster
Sickit · 20/10/2021 21:15

@LadyJaye

More of a sticking plaster than a solution, I know, but do you have any option at all of throwing money at things, such as getting a good and reliable cleaner in? Perhaps a local student teacher or nursery nurse, looking to build their portfolio, who might take your kids for some activities?

It may just buy you back a little bit of time to do hobbies/go for a walk/sit in total silence for a while?

They're already in childcare a lot, I'd feel awful for them palming them off more! But I definitely need a hobby.
OP posts:
Porfre · 20/10/2021 21:17

How old are they?

Nuttymonkey · 20/10/2021 21:17

Can you cook something for the kids and eat with them, then let OH reheat it... Cottage pie, leave a jacket in the oven cooking... A couple of times a week plus get him to pick up a takeaway or plan for him to cook something simple when he gets in twice a week?

It does feel like this when life gets busy but I'm another one who outsources and tries to simplify and take short cuts when the going gets tough. A lady near me used to do a massive basket of ironing for £10.... Good for the occasional time when you can see it all piling up!

When the kids get to school age, it becomes easier to get babysitters in and you can take weekly breathers maybe... It is so exhausting at times, I get you!

Fallagain · 20/10/2021 21:17

Get a new cleaner who does bedding and will do whatever you need. Yy to I’m knackered dinners, beans on toast with veg on the side, fish cakes and frozen veg - you get the idea or make something nice but make twice as much and have it two days in a row. Definitely don’t be making two different dinners a night.

Tryingtogetitright · 20/10/2021 21:19

I feel much the same. I am struggling. I had counselling a couple of years ago which helped a lot. I am in the process of booking some more sessions as I am not the mum I want to be. I love my children so much but I am so unhappy. If I could turn back time I think I would make very different choices.

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