I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

I’d recommend getting divorced and having 50:50 care. It’s brilliant.

Can you go part time? Even dropping to four days would help. a full day to yourselves to get things done?

To answer some questions:

DH picks up DC1 once a week and takes him to a hobby, I pick DC2 up then pick DC1 and DH up from hobby. They wouldn't be able to get home otherwise. He can't do any pick ups or drop offs as whilst he can too and from the kids school, he can't feasibly get them from school to home.

We can't afford a nanny, even if they weren't in childcare - I've looked in to it. We don't have room for an au pair.

Kids are 6&3.

I'm not depressed. Depression isn't situational - I was fine on holiday and I'm fine at work.

Can't up my work hours - I'm full time and my work contract precludes a second job.

The kids are already in childcare long days, they can't do much more.

Kids are bathed twice a week.

@Mellowfruitfulnessy

I’d recommend getting divorced and having 50:50 care. It’s brilliant.

I'm not sure if you're joking but I've actually genuinely considered it.

@dogsrock15

Can you go part time? Even dropping to four days would help. a full day to yourselves to get things done?

I love my job. I'd be even more resentful if I reduced my hours just to get stuff done!

I know what you mean. I have that terrible feeling that motherhood as we live it is very far from natural and I get those feelings internally that I want it to end, want it to stop now.
Mine are actually ten and 14. For me it's the lack of time and energy to have a proper go at my own life, instead of facilitating the lives of others.
I get the suggestions of cleaner/outsourcing, which helps of course, but it doesn't give me what my heart and soul desire - to move forward with my own life unimpeded by others. I'm not talking about a few hours.
I couldn't really say that to many people in real life because of judgement.
Motherhood is way too much self sacrificing, stressful, restrictive and policed to get much true happiness I think.
I find taking a philosophical approach helps a bit. A social life does too.

Take care of yourself. So easy to forget to drink, multi vitamins, even breathe properly while it's all going on and you feel like a hamster on a wheel, and these things can affect your mood. Lower your standards as above. Nip the 5.30 am start in the bud with reward chart, toys in little ones bed or whatever. Get kids trained early to set up their clothes kit everything the night before. Batch cook, make friends with kids parents and arrange to take each others for some time off. Make time for fun with and without the kids. Let DH do things his way.

Would a second car help? Can't work out if it would? I know that is not a cheap option - but it also needn't be that expensive.

Would shorten some of the commuting/school run drudge/jugglind who has the car for pick ups etc. Allow your DH to do more of the running around.

And how old are the children? This can be a big factor in the drain-element

Seriously I'd drop the hobby for your kid for now.

As your kids get older they will hopefully start eating themself and take themself to bed- less work for you after work.

Also I agree with some of the other ops. I think you need to drop some hours.

You need some time to yourself, not immerse yourself into work. Even a few hours during the day when the kids are at school or nursery will help.

Agree with what lots of pp's have said... we're sold a lie/it gets easier... Outsourcing some of the sheer drudgery can be a huge help... have you got the funds/space for an aupair/'teatime girl' as they used to call them As after school/pre bed was always peak stress/shouty time when I was a younger/stressed mum feeling like you (and I had very good support but still... yes it can feel relentless) As for 'getting easier' - would agree, certain bits do, other bits can be more challenging. But always accepting help/finding help, NOT feeling 'bad' about using/having/paying for anything that eases the load...

@QuickityQuackity

And how old are the children? This can be a big factor in the drain-element

Sorry - just seen 6 and 3.

That is big drain- age.

I feel for you. It may not help, but it does get better. I promise.

@junebirthdaygirl

And don't cook twice everyday. You and dh eat same dinner as kids. And make enough most days to last another day. As suggested get a teenager to babysit at weekends and do some exercise as it clears your head and makes you feel free again if only for a short while

I don't really have the option not to. I get home with the kids around 6 but DH isn't home until 7.30. they need feeding as go to bed at 7.30 and are hungry when we get home. I usually give them some simple like sandwiches and crudités and a yogurt and DH picks us up something on his way home. I gave up meal planning ages ago as it isn't added to my list of jobs.

It does get easier as they get older. I imagine lots feel the same way as you. Folllowing might help:-

• A second car
• Organising play dates for kids so you get time off but they're having fun so not like childcare
• Book your next trip away as something to look forward to
• Get takeaway once a week

Honestly mine are 12 & 13 now and just hide in their rooms so it's way easier. We can also nip out and leave them home.

Sorry just seen 'no room for aupair' - so the 'teatime person' situation - someone who also sorts laundry & bedding/'cheat' cooking with a mix of convenience/fresh stuff...

I felt exactly like this when mine were your age. They are older now and it’s much, much better.

I’m not saying it’s unimportant that you feel this way — it’s symptomatic of bigger social issues of course, in addition to your individual circs. All I’m
saying is, even if you can’t think of a solution, keep in mind that it honestly will get better as they grow more independent.

You don’t hate being a mum, ypu hate the fact that your husband is useless. Why are you doing housework til 9pm and why isn’t he helping you equally? Shouldn’t be anything to do after 7:30pm max!

I've thought about it too!

You're not alone OP.

It's neverending. As horrible as it is to say I dread school pick up time. My son has SEN and my daughter displays challenging behaviour and I know the minute I pick them up it's going to start.

It's fucking hard.

Mellowfruitfulnessy
I’d recommend getting divorced and having 50:50 care. It’s brilliant.

I'm not sure if you're joking but I've actually genuinely considered it.

Have you spoken about how you feel with DH? It sounds like all the onus is on you to find a solution. He should be involved in finding the solution which makes everyone happy. It shouldn’t just be left to you.

I am well out of the other side now (young adults, still at home though) and only ever worked 3 days, but we both commuted a minimum of 45 mins, mostly in opposite directions, I sometimes had longer days with site visits and DH also did some stints working away in the week. Those early years with nursery then out of school drop off/pick ups were hard and I don’t know how we escaped with our sanity.

But - I had a cleaner, which if nothing else made us tidy up once a week. Laundry was done as we were sorting dinner/bed time etc.

I never made separate meals for the kids, we all ate the same, and usually that was batched cooked meals, that were then frozen and used on my work days. Occasionally we also had ready meals, I very rarely cooked on work days, for many years. The kids also had school dinners and a snack at after school club, so could last until we ate around 6/6.30.

I used to worry about not cooking every night, having ready meals etc but both have grown up to love most foods, and both cook fresh meals for us at least once a week. DS did a lot of batch cooking at uni, at weekends, meaning he didn’t need to cook on week nights!

Life sucks at times but the humdrum boring crap usually goes away. Anything you can do to make your home life better? Bloody hard when you feel the way you do.

I have just gone back full time - seriously meal planning...although dull...makes life so, so, so much easier. Do it together with DH - takes 10 mins at the weekend.

And yes what PP said. One meal. Eat yours with the kids - his can be heated up when he gets home. That saves massive of brain-drain and effort. Also you probably need the food earlier too to revamp your energy to deal with the children after a day at work. I used to wait for DH to get home and be so drained and hangry. When I switched to eating with the chidlren life was better for all of us. It also meant I didn;t want to murder him if he missed the train or worked late....

@QuickityQuackity

Would a second car help? Can't work out if it would? I know that is not a cheap option - but it also needn't be that expensive.

Would shorten some of the commuting/school run drudge/jugglind who has the car for pick ups etc. Allow your DH to do more of the running around.

We've considered it but came to the conclusion that it wouldn't. The more drop offs and pick ups he does, the more split hours he works and the longer his other days have to be. Evenings and weekends he does pretty equal running around - shopping, birthday parties etc.

It IS very full on at that age. And you have a full time job. It's hard!

You sound like you are very hard on yourself. I think a lot of us are! Would it be worth seeing a therapist - I think it could really help you to have a space to talk this through. I found that therapy transformed my feelings about life - a lot of it was letting go of my constant stream of self-criticism. That freed me up to feel more joy.

And as PP have said - standards are good enough. It just has to be good enough. It will never be perfect. Good enough is good enough.