I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

Handhold OP, I had weeks like this.

It gets easier as they get older and clear up after themselves/put away clothes.

1. Declutter. I am serious; every six months review what you and they have. Young kids attract debris and plastic tat like magnets, so be ruthless about chucking out anything broken/outgrown/outworn.

2. When you have done that, invest in a few baskets that you can chuck toys in. That makes tidy up quick and a lot less stressful.

3. Consider batch cooking and prep ahead. You can use freezer dump bags and a slow cooker to start a meal in the morning that will be ready at night. That has the added bonus that you don't have to cook separately for everyone. If you do want to do a separate meal (we do it for date nights), make something simple for the kids and order in a decent takeaway or premade meal. I like the Just Cook range you get in some Co Op, but there's tonnes of options. Finally, you can cook double (e.g a spag bol one night and bolognaise sauce with jacket potatoes the next).

If none of those appeal, you can still halve the mental load with a meal planning service that hooks up to the supermarket with a list. Online shopping is bloody amazing.

4. It can be fucking relentless, even with all the time strategies in the world. Carve out time for yourself and remember it won't be forever.

@poppymaewrite

You don’t hate being a mum, ypu hate the fact that your husband is useless. Why are you doing housework til 9pm and why isn’t he helping you equally? Shouldn’t be anything to do after 7:30pm max!

He doesn't get home until 7.30, so if we stopped house work then he'd never do any!

Plus I can get very little housework done between getting home at 6pm and 7.30pm what with sorting the kids, feeding them, reading with them, getting them ready for bed!

Also: bear in mind that different people come into their own at different stages of parenting. Some love babies/toddlers, others are in their element with older primary school children, others relish teens. So don't feel that just because you are not loving being a parent, you never will. Your time may come!

This is probably going to come out as blunt, so I'll apologise in advance as I don't mean to be.

You work F/T, have a cleaner, pick up/drop off the kids and have to cook every day, do the laundry, and change the bedding once a month. Your DH pulls his weight but works longer hours/more travel.

It doesn't sound as if you're spending that much time on housework tbh although you haven't answered the questions about how old your DC are. From your descriptions, the main thing that is sucking up your time outside work is just spending time with your kids - is that the bit that you're resenting?

You could:

Get someone to do your laundry
Get a cleaner who will also change the bedding
Get an au pair who helps with tidying up/putting clothes away
Buy meals that are freshly made and freeze them so you just have to warm them up (proper meals made by a cook, not micro shite)
Cook once per day and your DH eats later/warms his up

You could also drop your hours and only work 4 days - that would presumably give you a full day to yourself to decompress and do the other bits that are stressing you out.

You could talk to a counsellor about your compulsive need to get everything tidy before you can sit down, and allowing your DH to do more (he sounds willing to be a genuinely equal partner).

I guess the question for me is would any of this make you happy? What exactly is making you unhappy - is it the constant demands from your DC every night, or is it the constant hassle of housework? If it's the housework, you can do something about it - if it's the demands from your DC, that's harder. If it is your DC making you unhappy then only you can decide whether you'd be happier divorcing and having 50/50 care, or whether you think things will get better as they get older.

Would having your own hobbies/time outside the home make you feel less resentful about the daily grind? What brings you joy? Because really, that's what life is about. You talk about your DH in complimentary terms but in a very functional way - do you still love him? Do you want to get old with him? Do you enjoy spending time with him when the DC aren't there?

Lots of questions for you OP. Ultimately you can't help how you feel. Maybe you can work through what's going on and make changes to make your life happier. But maybe the only change that will make you feel happier is divorcing and having some child-free days. It's not really the done thing to admit that because as women we're all supposed to be spilling over with the joys of motherhood. The fact is, it just doesn't work like that for everyone, so you need to have an honest think about exactly what you want and need out of your life. Only you can figure that out.

And in terms of your DH coming home later, you can still eat the same meal, he just has his later.

Whoever was home first in us (usually me) would have dinner with the kids, with the other parent having theirs later, unless we were all home at a similar time.

Not great for family time, but we had that at weekends and it doesn’t seem to have adversely affected mine growing up.

OP I could have written this. I have a just turned 7 and 3 year old.

‘My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot’ made me laugh out loud.

I too would have made different choices and I’ve also thought about the benefits of 50:50 care.

I definitely need some therapy but just cannot fit it in anywhere. DH and I work opposite shifts to minimise childcare so there’s very little family time as it is.

Here’s hoping it improves soon

@Mother87

Sorry just seen 'no room for aupair' - so the 'teatime person' situation - someone who also sorts laundry & bedding/'cheat' cooking with a mix of convenience/fresh stuff...

Where do I find such a person?

There's one thing you need @Sickit and it's not a cleaner, au pair, or any other help in the house. You NEED a therapist/counselor to speak to and work through why you feel the way you do and to help you accept that what you are feeling is OK!

I work with lots of women in a similar position and if it's within budget I'd advertise for a P/T housekeeper rather than a cleaner, slightly more expensive but cover a broader range of chores such as bedding, laundry and ironing. I do a bit of this as part of my job and more than once I've had clients have a little cry once I'm finished, pure relief I think. I get a huge amount of satisfaction from bringing order to chaos.

Or you could negotiate with your cleaner to take ironing home for a fee, if they take in ironing

Meals-wise I've hired private chefs (again, nowhere near as expensive as you think) to batch cook meals for the entire week for freezing. The cost is generally outweighed by the stress relief.

I remember the book about the porridge pot! Omg I'm going to go look for it on Amazon.

Sorry, off topic.

I've been there. Id of happily gave my children to my ex and been a part time parent if I wasn't concerned about their safety at one point. I had counselling and that helped me deal with my feelings and helping me realise I was only battling with myself over having things 'done'. Now I lean into parenting, learnt to embrace the chaos and generally stop sweating the small stuff.

You say you're not depressed because its situational and you're fine when not at home. This can still be depression and treatments can really help keep you on an even keel. I was always ok at work and when with friends but I was definitely depressed and anxious.

@thistimelastweek

It's a terrible paradox.

You don't know you could have been happy without children until you have children.

But once you have children you can't unwish them.

This is interesting.

I'm late 30s and didn't have children because I knew I could be happy without them, was wasn't confident I'd be happy if I had them.

You just can't ever know.

I hear you

@SpidersAreShitheads

This is probably going to come out as blunt, so I'll apologise in advance as I don't mean to be.

You work F/T, have a cleaner, pick up/drop off the kids and have to cook every day, do the laundry, and change the bedding once a month. Your DH pulls his weight but works longer hours/more travel.

It doesn't sound as if you're spending that much time on housework tbh although you haven't answered the questions about how old your DC are. From your descriptions, the main thing that is sucking up your time outside work is just spending time with your kids - is that the bit that you're resenting?

You could:

Get someone to do your laundry
Get a cleaner who will also change the bedding
Get an au pair who helps with tidying up/putting clothes away
Buy meals that are freshly made and freeze them so you just have to warm them up (proper meals made by a cook, not micro shite)
Cook once per day and your DH eats later/warms his up

You could also drop your hours and only work 4 days - that would presumably give you a full day to yourself to decompress and do the other bits that are stressing you out.

You could talk to a counsellor about your compulsive need to get everything tidy before you can sit down, and allowing your DH to do more (he sounds willing to be a genuinely equal partner).

I guess the question for me is would any of this make you happy? What exactly is making you unhappy - is it the constant demands from your DC every night, or is it the constant hassle of housework? If it's the housework, you can do something about it - if it's the demands from your DC, that's harder. If it is your DC making you unhappy then only you can decide whether you'd be happier divorcing and having 50/50 care, or whether you think things will get better as they get older.

Would having your own hobbies/time outside the home make you feel less resentful about the daily grind? What brings you joy? Because really, that's what life is about. You talk about your DH in complimentary terms but in a very functional way - do you still love him? Do you want to get old with him? Do you enjoy spending time with him when the DC aren't there?

Lots of questions for you OP. Ultimately you can't help how you feel. Maybe you can work through what's going on and make changes to make your life happier. But maybe the only change that will make you feel happier is divorcing and having some child-free days. It's not really the done thing to admit that because as women we're all supposed to be spilling over with the joys of motherhood. The fact is, it just doesn't work like that for everyone, so you need to have an honest think about exactly what you want and need out of your life. Only you can figure that out.

Yes, it's the constant demands of the kids that I resent. I resent the kids full stop. Not that I'd ever tell them that. They are wonderful children, they don't deserve a mother who feels like this about them.

I love DH, I want to grow old with him, I love spending time with him without the kids (though that's minimal). But I'd seriously consider separation if it would mean legitimate time away from the children.

I’m really confused about your DH and his commute. It’s only 20 minutes longer than yours but he gets home 1 and a half hours later? What time does he leave in the morning and what does he do in terms of household work in the morning? Because it’s coming across like it’s a huge rush for you in the morning but his is leisurely and then he arrives home when all the hard stuff has been done. I think that needs to change ( if I’m right). I’d focus on sorting the meals first. He could be doing dinner prep in the morning or batch cooking on weekends. He could also be doing the laundry in the morning.

You can ask cleaners to do laundry and a friend has a cleaner who cooks the evening meal for the family on the day she comes to clean. Look into that.

If you came home from work knowing that dinner was ready and you just needed to reheat it and the laundry was done would that make your life better?
Also take turns at getting up at 5.30 every morning. Why is it always you??

What about a housekeeper type? So not someone to do childcare, but someone to do cooking laundry cleaning all in one.

No harm looking into it if you could afford it.

We have cleaner, but they don't do laundry, tidy up, put clothes away or change bedding.

@Sickit Get another cleaner or let the one you have know what you need. I've been one and at some jobs I did laundry, ironing, change bedding, a bit of tidying. You just have to discuss with the person what you want and most will be up for it. But of course someone coming in once a week can't keep on top of it.

Have you told your husband how you feel? Maybe he could do a bit more if he knows how you're struggling.

Maybe you have/had some PND and it's never properly resolved.

You definitely sound miserable- please speak to your GP, or go back if you've been before.

You poor thing, OP, that sounds really tough. I definitely recommend seeing a counsellor/therapist to work through this - @qualitygirl put it really well. It's ok and normal to feel like this, and tallking it through with someone and working out why you feel that way is likely to make a huge difference. I know therapy is a lot of money and time, but it could be such a great investment in you, your marriage, and your relationship with your kids. (And it's way cheaper than getting divorced, take it from one who knows!)

Having read your latest update OP I would add to the suggestions that speaking to a professional therapist would also be a good, and possibly urgent, idea.

I think most women who do cleaning etc would be happy to cook some basic meals, too. They could batch cook at home and bring the stuff over. There are definitely people who do this.

Get a cleaner who does laundry!!! Really easy to find!!! I have someone one day a week for 4 hours and he does everything. Cleaning, ironing, window cleaning, weeding...anything. Worth it.

"Mother87

Sorry just seen 'no room for aupair' - so the 'teatime person' situation - someone who also sorts laundry & bedding/'cheat' cooking with a mix of convenience/fresh stuff..."

This has made a huge difference to me, on my own mostly through the week, and working a hard job. I have an older teenager who comes to help me do tea time and bed time a couple of nights a week. She can cook, or tidy up after dinner while I do bathtime, or do stories while I tidy up, etc - just an extra pair of hands to do whatever. And that extra person there changes the dynamic, makes the kids more likely to be more fun and happy rather than how they are with just their mum (as we all know they tend to be their worst self with their mums). The "tea time person" is transformative! There are lots of babysitters out there who would be happy to help with housework as well I'm sure. You just need to find a person you work well with.

I would also suggest a halfway house in between as you are and 50:50 care. Split your weekends with your husband quite militantly so you get a full weekend day and night off and he gets a full weekend day and night off. It means that you don't get any family time but sounds like you would benefit much more from a solo 24 hours and that is totally fine. If you want to mix some family time in you can do a few hours on one of the weekend afternoons.

And of course as everyone says if you could drop to four days a week that would make a HUGE difference too.

Good luck, the repetitive drudgery is intense and awful X

I read Gaining Ground by Joan Barefoot at least once a year. Somehow reading the story of a woman who did leave helps me stay a bit longer.

You'll resent the kids less if you reduce the drudge load associated with them and dedicate time to them one on one. Up those hours of home help and insist that your cleaner/helper does what you need.

*Barfoot - autocorrect is just another reason to keep on driving