I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

One of the problems I'm seeing as well are all the solutions are just more jobs for you to do. When I feel overwhelmed this gives me rage.

I saw your response that he cannot change his hours. In that case, he will be working on house chores a few nights a week from 8-10pm. Problem solved.

I'm not depressed. Depression isn't situational - I was fine on holiday and I'm fine at work.

Depression can indeed be situational!

There is a thing called situational depression and it's not that that but many people who are depressed are not depressed all day every day and they will experience positive moods if they get to have fun or a break or if they're in an environment they enjoy.

It's called atypical depression

This is going to be entirely unhelpful but we're currently deciding whether we should try for children and my massive concern is that I'd feel exactly like you do. I'm absolutely sure you're not alone in feeling this way.

@underneaththeash

There are no au pairs at the moment.

Go down to 4 days each.

Both parents working full-time is (obviously) always going to be awful.

I really don't think reducing my hours of a job I love is going to help! Work is absolutely not the issue here.

@NumberTheory

As to what you should do - Don't go part time! I can't believe people are suggesting that when you've said how much you enjoy your work. But maybe see if there's any way you and DH can make your work lives fit better. Can DH go part time? Would moving to a different area make things easier logistically? Would a 2nd car make it easier for DH to do more of the running around? Can you swap off weekends a bit to give you both more time when you aren't responsible - so once a week/fortnight/month you get a weekend day where DH does everything with the kids and you can do as you please and equally once you solo parent and DH gets a day? Sometimes it isn't that you need to ease up too much, you just need to know you have some time to decompress completely. When mine were about 4 we signed them up for the closest possible weekend class that took their age group. It was drama, but that wasn't important. I rolled out of bed Saturday morning and dropped them off a 5 min walk away. Then I came home, made coffee and DH and I sat in bed reading the papers for an hour and half. It was bliss and made the rest of the weekend much easier.

Also, any chance your or his parents would have them for a semi regular sleepover?

It does get generally get easier as they get older, though.

Totally agree - don’t go part time unless your job is truly one that can be commensurately reduced. If not, keeping to your 4 days will be just another cause of stress (voice of experience)

What does your DH do on his commute? It sounds like he gets 2 x 30 minute train journeys when he can listen to music/podcasts. Not listen to DC or work - bliss to the brain. That is something you are not getting.

@Dhcfisssifjrsnxfjds

I saw your response that he cannot change his hours. In that case, he will be working on house chores a few nights a week from 8-10pm. Problem solved.

That's what he currently does.

Having had a think about the people I know with full on full time jobs (I don't put myself in this category as I work 4 days a week), is that they don't do wrap-around childcare, they have nannies. They don't do the school run, the nanny does it. They don't do the kids dinner, the nanny does it. Heck, the nanny even cleans up after the kids a bit, or at least makes the kids tidy up their mess. I think you need a nanny.

I feel for you! I've only worked part time and flexibly since having DCs, and am fortunate that they have always slept well and don't wake me at 5.30/we don't have to get up that early - but I often wonder how on earth working people cope!

No suggestions beyond what has already been said here. Kids don't need to bath a lot and don't need their bedding changed a lot - but it sounds as though you're on board with that already. As PPs have said - it does get easier. Once they can get themselves up and dressed it's a bit better. When they can pack their stuff for school and make their own lunches it's better again. 6 and 3 is hard because you're expected to read to them, help with spellings, make crafts and fancy dress outfits and so on - but it does improve! In the meantime, cut yourself as much slack as you can, and make the most of any 'me' time! Good luck .

Don't go part time whatever you do. Will just mean you have to do more of the drudge work, which is shit.

In your perfect world OP, with a magic wand, what would you do? Imagine no judgement, dont censor yourself , what would be your best magic solution?

I wasn’t joking about the divorce and 50:50 split. The first night I spent on my own I cried with happiness.

However, you sound like you really love your husband. I did not.

It’s twenty years of your life like this. It doesn’t really change. Reducing hours (his) might help: if it’s that or your marriage, he might see the light. It’s always the men that “have” to do the longer days, while us women are fucking about meal planning.

I love being divorced. I’m remarried now but my times on my own are bliss.

@HotSauceCommittee

It's not worth it, OP. Speak to your employer and make a record of it, telling them you need to leave on time because of family commitments. Your DH needs to do the same for your children.

I'd be out of a job! Because I wouldn't be meeting the needs of the service.

And it'd only give me more time at home with the kids and doing jobs. Which is the issue.

I think many mums have feelings like you do. When my baby was 7 months old I was broken and my mum ended up looking after him for a period of time. It’s ok to seek help.
Do you think things will be better in terms of logistics when your youngest starts school?
What family support do you have?
I hate the routine of life but I plan days out, mini breaks family holidays etc so we have things to look forward to and a break from life. An all inclusive holiday with a kids club is pure heaven for me right now.

Immediate solution: one night a week, when he gets home at 7.30, you either lock yourself in a room and do something you used to enjoy (a room with no housework to do) or go out and see a film, see a friend or whatever. Even if it seems impossible/there are better ways you could spend you time, forget it. Put on your coat and close the door. What you need is to bring a little bit of that holiday into your weekly routine. Plan things you enjoy on those night - ideally things that you book so you feel some impetus to go.

(Advising self to do the same thing)

People are giving you options. You have an answer for them all so really your probably asking permission to get a divorce. You don't need permission or validation to get a divorce just get one.

If you don't want the kids you can also give husband full custody of them.

@Animood

I'm surprised you have to physically go in. Don't you have wfh? If you're senior can you request it?

Sorry if you've thought if all these things, just brainstorming!

I'm NHS.

'I resent the constant demands of the kids' is your comment that sticks with me. I get it - I've had a similar experience to you. My children are now 18 and 20 and and it does get easier in someways but harder in others. There are constant 'demands' although the nature changes. Please spend some time sorting this out with your partner. Mine not good at dealing with any emotional issues for any of the family, if yours is similar and you are carrying the emotional load then it will get worse into later & teenage years. The worry with then make your resentment worse!

If you are both up at 5.30 and leave the house at 8am what are you both doing for 2.5 hours every morning 5 days per week?

I honestly don’t understand how there is so much to do that both of you are doing a couple of hours of chores each evening even after dinner and bedtime, and getting up at the crack of dawn as well as working full time? That’s a bloody ton of hours especially as you also have a cleaner.

I am wondering whether there is more organisation needed or less activities at the weekend for example.

Nanny as childcare instead of nursery? So they do school run,baths, kids laundry and reading and feed kids
I’d look into that seriously.

OP what do you want? These solutions are all not quite hitting the mark, tell us what you want to do

@DaisyNGO

OP how did your DH cope when you were away, did he take annual leave?

No. He worked but had to leave earlier, so worked on the Sunday after I came home to finish stuff off. He coped ok. No better or worse than I would. But a 6 day working week isn't feasible long term.

If you DH is already doing housework from 8-10pm a few nights a week there is something wrong. There is no way that cleaning, washing etc could not be done in 4-6 hours a week if you are already doing dinner/homework/bed time.