I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

Is your husband getting up at 5.30 too?

You can’t do everything. It’s a fact. Either standards need to fall or you need more help. I don’t know if your DH is like mine but mine just doesn’t see what needs doing. I have to literally leave instructions which in itself is stressful and wearing. I see other mumsnetters commenting about getting the other half to step up and I wonder how they do it? I feel like I spend my life nagging…

I used my slow cooker a lot when mine were little. Double quantities of casserole, pasta sauce, chili, fillings for cottage pie/shepherds pie. We all ate the same, the DC got theirs at around 6pm, DH and I got ours microwaved at 8pm. I could get a week's worth of meals for all of us done over 3 days. A few ready meals isn't going to do any harm. There was no online shopping back then, but between us we could get a couple of big shops done.
A rice cooker is really useful, as is a decent sized freezer. Frozen veg and chips are good too.
It is hard, but it does get easier. I opted for the school meals when they were little because packed lunches are so time consuming.
I have focused on food because I remember the cooking and feeding was the biggest challenge for me.

I know you love work but working FT with 2 DC is absolutely knackering. Getting home at 6 and then having to do all the kid related stuff would have finished me off. Can you or your DH reduce your hours so you finish earlier? I know it's not every job you can do that. Obviously something needs to change, you can't get rid of the kids so I think it has to be a combination of changing work or getting in more help.
Another idea that's just come to mind is could someone else pick up the kids from school, bring them home and do all the tasks before you get in?

Can your husband take the children away at the weekends ?

But maybe the only change that will make you feel happier is divorcing and having some child-free days.
This is not the solution.

I felt the same during the newborn weeks.

It was hell. Horrible. Staying at home with a crying kid who doesnt sleep. Sleep deprivation. And all the worries you have about this fragile newborn. Worries about there feed. Sleep area. Clothes they wear if it will irritate their skin.

On and on every night.
Lamented my lost life, very depressed.

Luckily it improved after the first few months.
For me the newborn stage is the hardest. I like being busy.
I mean I'm exhausted and husband is useless.

Drop offs are shocking, and not for the fainthearted. But I enjoy seeing the kids. Love it when there isnt an afterschool activity or club I have to ship the kids off to. All I seem to be doing Is making sure older one has done what she needs to for school or her clubs.
This includes homework. Reading. Practicing timestables.
Then she usually needs to do something for her brownies or beavers club. She goes to kumon so has to do this every night. Also mosque. So has to practice her reading and learn any recitations they have said.

So very busy
Next week is half term and a lot of the clubs are cancelled due to this. Cant wait! I get a break.

Still better than the newborn weeks for me though.

Wow I know this feeling so well. Ive never told anyone because I feel bad. It's just relentless, same shit every day everything you describe I feel!
What helped me slightly was to drop a day at work so I do 4 days and on my day off I can catch up with house chores or get my hair done.

Honestly I'd tackle the 5.30am starts!!!

Clocks go back soon so that will be 4.30am...

Say most people get up at 6.30 that means you are on the go to the equivalent of 10.30pm. Not surprised you have had enough.

What do you and DH do in the mornings between 5.30am and leaving the house? Sounds like that's when daily crap should be done by both of you so the evenings are free once you've both eaten and cleaned up after that one meal.

I can only tell you what I would do if I felt like you.

I'd tell my friends, family and in-laws how I felt. I'd say I was really struggling and needed help.

I'd ask them if they could come in and make the kids tea for one day, have them 1/2 a day at the weekend literally about thing.

Throw yourself on their mercy! Surely that's what friends and family are for?

Hopefully they would swoop in to help you out. With the time, I'd sleep, chill and take stock. You probs need to get a counsellor to talk through how your feeling.

Regarding all the childcare, just throw money at the problem. Get as much help as you can. Fuck the money, no one should be run so ragged they feel like you do. It's just not on.

Would it help to get signed off work for a couple of weeks with stress?

There are no au pairs at the moment.

Go down to 4 days each.

Both parents working full-time is (obviously) always going to be awful.

Would you consider an after school mother’s help type person ?

I have kids who attend orchestra during the week on different days so they eat dinner when they get home after 6pm. We all eat same dinner. Microwave! It is great for reheating food. Don't be a martyr honestly. Life is for living. Cut yourself some slack.

@GettingUntrapped

I know what you mean. I have that terrible feeling that motherhood as we live it is very far from natural and I get those feelings internally that I want it to end, want it to stop now. Mine are actually ten and 14. For me it's the lack of time and energy to have a proper go at my own life, instead of facilitating the lives of others. I get the suggestions of cleaner/outsourcing, which helps of course, but it doesn't give me what my heart and soul desire - to move forward with my own life unimpeded by others. I'm not talking about a few hours. I couldn't really say that to many people in real life because of judgement. Motherhood is way too much self sacrificing, stressful, restrictive and policed to get much true happiness I think. I find taking a philosophical approach helps a bit. A social life does too.

What a refreshingly honest post.

I was in a VERY similar situation to the OP (so similar I wondered if someone I had moaned to had written about me!) but my kids are older but still in primary school.
I thought something had to give as my DH earns 50% more than me, I decided to give up work as it was simply too much. I took a number of years 'off' but my 'extra' time was spent cleaning and looking after the children full time. It was complete drudgery. I ended up putting them in numerous activities just to get an hour to myself every day.
My eldest is 10 now and is lovely. My second child is 8 and is still very hard work. I could easily have enjoyed the baby stage until age 18 months and fast forwarded until their 10th birthdays.

Being a mother is like being a full time slave with added worry and guilt.
I don't know OP if you can overcome it. I don't think so. Certainly sending your ironing out, getting a cleaner 'helps' but it doesn't change the fact that you aren't 'free' to think of yourself and put your own needs first.
When they're 10, its easier........if thats any help.

Sickit - My dc are young adults now but I remember the times you describe very well. I also worked full time and to be honest we just muddled through. I felt permanently exhausted - like a hamster on a wheel never feeling I was doing anything as well as I should.

But I went to my Doctor and a blood test showed I was severely anaemic (as in straight to hospital for a transfusion).
I felt a lot better after that! So do think about going to the Doctors and having your vitamin d and haemoglobin levels checked out.

You can also speak with your GP to be signed off work due to emotional stress. Get the rest you need.💐

@Rainbowqueeen

I’m really confused about your DH and his commute. It’s only 20 minutes longer than yours but he gets home 1 and a half hours later? What time does he leave in the morning and what does he do in terms of household work in the morning? Because it’s coming across like it’s a huge rush for you in the morning but his is leisurely and then he arrives home when all the hard stuff has been done. I think that needs to change ( if I’m right). I’d focus on sorting the meals first. He could be doing dinner prep in the morning or batch cooking on weekends. He could also be doing the laundry in the morning. You can ask cleaners to do laundry and a friend has a cleaner who cooks the evening meal for the family on the day she comes to clean. Look into that. If you came home from work knowing that dinner was ready and you just needed to reheat it and the laundry was done would that make your life better? Also take turns at getting up at 5.30 every morning. Why is it always you??

We both leave around 8am except Monday when he collects DC1 for his hobby and so he leaves at 7am to be able to leave work early. We take turns getting up with the kids when they wake, who ever gets up gives them breakfast, starts them getting dressed and gets a laundry load on, DH sorts the kids bags. I sometimes need to be in work on time so leave at 7.15/ 7.30 to get the kids to breakfast club.

DH works half an hour longer per day than me but he commutes by train and just misses the earlier train meaning he's home later.

We're both in jobs where we can't just leave at finish time, it's just I finish at 4.30 and am usually out the office by 5.15, he finishes at 5.30 and needs to out the office by 6.10 to catch the early train. Trains are frequently (twice a week at least) delayed, cancelled or they send a 2 carriage instead of a 4. If it's in the morning he's then late for work and has to make up the time and if it's in the evening it makes him late home. But if he drove it'd be no better as traffic is so bad it takes longer.

Organising play dates for kids so you get time off but they're having fun so not like childcare

DON'T do this. It adds to the stress. Returning playdates is stressful and even harder work for you!

i've been there. still work full time but it is much easier now the kids are older.

our cleaner does all beds & laundry - that makes a massive difference. If yours can't do that, find a different cleaner.

@BeginningBridge

Sickit - My dc are young adults now but I remember the times you describe very well. I also worked full time and to be honest we just muddled through. I felt permanently exhausted - like a hamster on a wheel never feeling I was doing anything as well as I should. But I went to my Doctor and a blood test showed I was severely anaemic (as in straight to hospital for a transfusion). I felt a lot better after that! So do think about going to the Doctors and having your vitamin d and haemoglobin levels checked out.

Thanks. I've recently had blood tests, all sickeningly healthy!

it's just I finish at 4.30 and am usually out the office by 5.15, he finishes at 5.30 and needs to out the office by 6.10 to catch the early train.

Why are you both staying in the office after you’ve finished work?

In top of her full time job? How would that help?

@HarrisMcCoo

I have kids who attend orchestra during the week on different days so they eat dinner when they get home after 6pm. We all eat same dinner. Microwave! It is great for reheating food. Don't be a martyr honestly. Life is for living. Cut yourself some slack.

But the kids eat sandwiches!

I really admire you for admitting that you hate being a mum. I wish more women could be so honest. You'll get loads of people telling you that you are depressed, etc, telling you to get your husband to help more...blah blah blah. You aren't talking about newborns, your oldest is 6.

I think the solution is what has already been mentioned - you split from your husband and go 50/50. At least then you'd be getting a regular break from them.

Organising playdates gives you a busier schedule, then you have to reciprocate, etc. Too much faff.