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Original poster

I want to go to work and never come back

461 replies

Sickit · 20/10/2021 20:49

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

  • why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).
  • why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion
  • does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

OP posts:
Thinkingthinking · 22/10/2021 15:33

Can you get a slow cooker? You can make huge batches of food - stick it on in the morning and then dinner is ready for the kids when you get home and you can have some later with your DH? Then you can freeze leftovers or have it the next night. That frees up cooking / cleaning time in the evening. There's loads of simple recipes online and you could also prep veggies etc the night before to save time in the morning. I recently got one of these choppers which saves so much time preparing veg: www.lakeland.co.uk/71653/OXO-Good-Grips-Vegetable-Chopper?src=gfeed&gclid=CjwKCAjwwsmLBhACEiwANq-tXCWIQCTMyvODBvPT6k6UOvZpMlWwTr5K47n9chmL9vEoxzorfPnQihoCceMQAvD_BwE
I also find those packets of pre-cooked rice etc helpful. Good luck, I sympathise with the grind and I only have one child (but a useless DH)

Northernparent68 · 22/10/2021 20:33

@StopGo

The 'joint' decision seems to mean that DH escapes the house and parenting earlier with the half hearted promise of being home by 6pm. However, with the caveat that his oh so important job comes first. Meanwhile OP struggles on with the consequences of being coerced into carrying on with an unwanted pregnancy.
He’s going to work, not the pub.
Babyroobs · 22/10/2021 20:40

As others have said, lower your standards, do fun things. It doesn't get any better. I'd just accept that you aren't going to be a perfect mum, no one is. Most of us are just getting through each day.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
StopGo · 22/10/2021 20:45

@Northernparent68n fair point, I wasn't suggesting that he was.

mowglika · 22/10/2021 20:54

All these suggestions to streamline your day, do less chores (why are you doing so much incidentally as you are all out of the house most of the day!) are not really hitting the mark. You don’t want to spend time with your children.

My suggestions: get help in for the 1.5 hours of the day in the evening, get some help and get them to do all child facing stuff.

You take one day off to be without the kids in the weekend and your DH take the other day off. Do what you want, pursue your hobbies, spend time with friends.

If that still doesn’t work, realistically the only other thing you could do is leave and be the parent to do one night a week and EOW. How is your DH with the kids, does he enjoy spending time with them?

DaisyNGO · 22/10/2021 20:56

OP I am sorry to say it but...

While I think it's good you had the conversation, it seems an odd solution. What time will DH have to be up to get a 5.20 train? And your morning will still be busy but he will help with the sandwich tea for the DC?

It seems like a home help for the school run and DC dinner would work better.

And why is keeping on about you having time off work when you would like to work more?

mowglika · 22/10/2021 20:59

Oh also look up birdnesting. It’s really for separated couples but could work for you too if you can afford it. You have a small bed sit/flat and take it in turns to be the resident parent. A week on, a week off. And the kids stay put so no upheaval

HaveringWavering · 23/10/2021 07:26

@DaisyNGO

OP I am sorry to say it but...

While I think it's good you had the conversation, it seems an odd solution. What time will DH have to be up to get a 5.20 train? And your morning will still be busy but he will help with the sandwich tea for the DC?

It seems like a home help for the school run and DC dinner would work better.

And why is keeping on about you having time off work when you would like to work more?

She means he’ll come home on the 5:20pm train.
Dozer · 23/10/2021 07:37

Northernparent68 being at work not at the pub is a low bar for fatherhood! Many, many fathers don’t do a fair share of weekday parenting because they prioritise their personal paid work. Only a tiny minority of mothers do this.

So fathers get to be parents AND progress their career and earnings. Facilitated by their wives/partners, often at her direct expense, financially and beyond. Including doing the ‘drudge’ aspects of parenting, eg the massively increased domestic work.

OP’s H’s suggested solution would still mean OP parenting and doing domestic work 5 days a week and him doing no sole care 5 days a week.

MrsGatsby99 · 23/10/2021 08:01

How are you feeling now, op? I get it, the relentlessness of children and work can be gruelling. I am glad you and DH managed to come to an agreement for a new arrangement. Sorry to ask this and i mean it nicely but do you love your children? I have read all your posts and that is never mentioned. That is what gets you through, i think. They are young now. Once they get a little bit older, they will be more independent and you can get some more of your old life back. From what i understand, you don't want to leave DH but do want to have fewer childcare responsibilities but can't have an au pair/nanny. Mother's aide might help. Even a bit of talking through your feelings with a therapist might help too. But it is fair to say women still bear the brunt of most childcare and it is kind of assumed that there is something wrong if they don't want to do it. It's quite unfair.

DaisyNGO · 23/10/2021 09:24

Havering oh how stupid am I!

Don't answer that please 😂

Okay, so that's help in the evening. I would alternate responsibility, one person does their own thing.

dottypencilcase · 23/10/2021 09:57

It all boils down to rethinking your choices re: having the children @OP. I know how you feel because I feel the same. My husband has been a huge disappointment since having children and while I love my children beyond doubt, I can't help but think how having them has ruined my life. Everything falls down to me. I make the sacrifices re: time, mental load, etc. I work to facilitate us all- the buck stops with me and I abso-fucking-lutely resent/am bitter about it. There are days when everyone bears the brunt of this resentment (I have weekly therapy sessions to work through how much my life has changed since becoming a mother) but what keeps me going is that my children didn't ask to be born, I consciously and willingly brought them into this world- I've now got to deal with that as best as I can. I'd have loved one more child but the reality of having the children I have and knowing I'm not a 'natural mother' makes me more determined to give as much as I can to the ones I have and wait until they're old enough to be independent and leave me alone. That's when I hope I can restart my life. I hate what I've written but I'm being 100% honest here.

dottypencilcase · 23/10/2021 10:03

*To preempt a few questions:

  • why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).*

I have older siblings and have my nephews and nieces my all- genuinely loved them. I grew up hearing how natural I am with children. I worked hard and qualified in a highly specialist role working with children. I felt and was also many times, how is found my calling. I thought I knew it all re: children and thought motherhood would be a breeze. The reality is I had high needs children which lead to PND, a weak husband who crumbled at the first sight of responsibility, social networks that focussed on the positives of mother, not the reality of it and I felt/feel lonely. It's shit. It's not my Children’s fault- I'm just not geared up to being the mother I think I should've/could've been.

dottypencilcase · 23/10/2021 10:06

Ps. We're not the only ones to feel this way. One friend in a moment of weakness (she must've felt sorry for me struggling with my DC) shared how she hated her life and the way to manage her life was to throw money at it- nannies, extended hours at school for the children, tutors/clubs on weekends, etc. She said that's the only way she could cope.

DaisyNGO · 23/10/2021 10:18

Dotty - actually I was wondering....you say "I'd have loved one more child". That does confuse me.

I think a lot of people who stop at one can relate to this but we are a bit puzzled at more - though OP has said contraception failure of course.

DaisyNGO · 23/10/2021 10:20

@dottypencilcase

Ps. We're not the only ones to feel this way. One friend in a moment of weakness (she must've felt sorry for me struggling with my DC) shared how she hated her life and the way to manage her life was to throw money at it- nannies, extended hours at school for the children, tutors/clubs on weekends, etc. She said that's the only way she could cope.
I don't hate my life

But this thread has made me think about reallocating money. Maybe we should get a cleaner and takeaways etc.

mowglika · 23/10/2021 10:38

It sounds like your issue is just that you can’t tolerate your children. Someone else mentioned it, consider boarding school if you can afford it. I hope your kids don’t realise the way you feel..makes me feel quite sad for them though I can see you are trying your best. Best of luck with what you decide

Northernparent68 · 23/10/2021 11:01

@mowglika

It sounds like your issue is just that you can’t tolerate your children. Someone else mentioned it, consider boarding school if you can afford it. I hope your kids don’t realise the way you feel..makes me feel quite sad for them though I can see you are trying your best. Best of luck with what you decide
They will soon realise their mother’s attitude
Interrobanger · 23/10/2021 11:37

OP’s H’s suggested solution would still mean OP parenting and doing domestic work 5 days a week and him doing no sole care 5 days a week

Yes. He's coerced the OP into continuing with a pregnancy that she didn't want and now not only does he have the child he wanted, at the expense of OP's mental and physical health, but he bears hardly any of the consequences.

I would personally be unable to forgive him. I don't know why OP isn't more angry with him. Maybe that anger has been misdirected at the children?

HereticFanjo · 23/10/2021 11:58

There is no honesty before we have children just how fucking gruelling it is. Nothing but sympathy for you OP.

Dancingonmoonlight · 23/10/2021 12:16

I think a lot of people who stop at one can relate to this but we are a bit puzzled at more

Because the first was an easy going child.
Because having one child shared between two adults means you have up to 50% of your time childfree.
Because you love your child so much, you think a sibling would enhance ‘their’ life.
Because age is not on your side and it’s a now or never decision.

It’s pointless pointing out afterwards the mistakes and wrong decisions that were made.

I tried for a second baby. I cried when I had a positive test - from fear and regret. But I thought my first child would have that sibling to make memories with and later to share memories with. They’d have each other when I am gone, especially important as they are the only children on either side of the family.

Northernparent68 · 23/10/2021 13:10

@Dozer

Northernparent68 being at work not at the pub is a low bar for fatherhood! Many, many fathers don’t do a fair share of weekday parenting because they prioritise their personal paid work. Only a tiny minority of mothers do this.

So fathers get to be parents AND progress their career and earnings. Facilitated by their wives/partners, often at her direct expense, financially and beyond. Including doing the ‘drudge’ aspects of parenting, eg the massively increased domestic work.

OP’s H’s suggested solution would still mean OP parenting and doing domestic work 5 days a week and him doing no sole care 5 days a week.

In this particular case the father is pulling his weight, and the op has n’t made any career sacrifices and is n’t doing any drudge work. As has been said none of the solutions suggested are deemed acceptable, the real problem is the op does n’t like her children.
OtterAndDog · 23/10/2021 13:26

Ways to make your life more manageable...

  • Get a weekly cleaner
  • Take one huge load of clothes weekly to launderette - relax with a book while they're being washed and dried
  • Order weekly Gousto meal boxes to improve your diet
  • Make a post on local Facebook groups to see if there are any local people who sell home cooked meals e.g lasagne. Buy, freeze and keep for easy to make fast meals
  • Bulk buy essentials such as fairy liquid or washing powder - get a huge stock of everything and then that's one less thing you have to worry about topping up every month

This should help give you a bit more routine and time. Then you can look at ways to meet new people.. e.g. join a yoga class

user1471519931 · 25/10/2021 09:06

Omg today was supposed to be a day to myself - kids in school and me off work... It turns out that it's an in-service day - I want to go back to bed and scream!!!!

dottypencilcase · 25/10/2021 21:14

Sorry- my previous post reworded to how it should've been:

I have older siblings and gave my nephews and nieces my all- genuinely loved them. I grew up hearing how natural I am with children. I worked hard and qualified in a highly specialist role working with children. I felt and was also told many times, how I'd found my calling. I thought I knew it all re: children and thought motherhood would be a breeze. The reality is I had high needs children which lead to PND, a weak husband who crumbled at the first sight of responsibility, social networks that focussed on the positives of motherhood, not the reality of it and I felt/feel lonely. It's shit. It's not my Children’s fault- I'm just not geared up to being the mother I think I should've/could've been.

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