I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

@DaisyNGO

Dotty - actually I was wondering....you say "I'd have loved one more child". That does confuse me.

I think a lot of people who stop at one can relate to this but we are a bit puzzled at more - though OP has said contraception failure of course.

Another child in that I'd have loved three. Growing up, my magic number was always wanting three children. I don't quite feel 'done' having children (I saw a friend with a newborn on the weekend and went weak at the knees wanting another sibling for my children) but as per my previous post, I know I've reached my limit and haven't got the emotional capacity to have anymore so I won't. I need to focus my energies on giving the children I have as much as I can and sorting myself out in the process- get my body back (still feeding the youngest), go back to work (haven't worked since the first DC was born), take time out for myself (my children have been high needs so have constantly been attached to me and my social life has MASSIVELY suffered) and try, if I can, to make a go of my marriage which lies in tatters atm because parenting has taken centre stage and I've lost myself in the process.

well done OP for having the conversation! 🤞

The bit about your cleaner saying “bedding and laundry are not things he does” made me though. What’s he got against it? It’s not like he has to hand scrub sheets with carbolic and then dry them with a mangle.

It's really hard for a child to live with a resentful mother. I would really consider a divorce and agree with dh that he looks after dc 70 or 80%. If it's 50/50 you won't be able to do anything on most weekends. Once I moved out (at 14 to stay with a host family full time at the other end of the world), my mum just blossomed and got amazing life satisfaction back. And life was still much nicer for me without having to feel her resentment all the time. If your dh got a new partner, they could offer your dc what you can't. You can still send a card and a present for Christmas/birthdays. That's all the contact I have with my dm. Much more than that and she starts to get stressed (there was no way she'd look after dgc for more than a couple of afternoons a year, and only once they were older). I resented her for a long time but now feel OK for her and happy that she enjoys life.

You will be far worse off being separated than any of the other suggestions.

This is a very difficult stage and it feels relentless. I am also NHS and worked 3 days when my youngest was 3 which suited me, and our family.
My husband also got home late and missed that really energy sapping tea time, he would arrive as they were fed and bathed and ready for bed.

I look back at the photos and how sweet they were, but it's posts like yours that make me remember what a grind it is.

I know it seems crazy, but a nanny may be the answer, cut back on absolutely everything else? Renegotiate the mortgage?

That or drop a day? Are you a medic or nurse? Training will take a little bit longer but it's worth it for your mental health and your family.

It's frustrating that you feel you have to be the one to step back, but your jobs are what they are I suppose.

I feel like i could've written this post!! I only have 1 DD shes only 11 months old but at the moment i feel like all i do is try and stop myself from drowning in dishes washing housework keeping baby fed clean clothes bathed bottles etc cleaning up sick from carpet wiping high chair... had a melt down today and said im depressed.i do nothing fun just the same day in day out. DPs parents had her for 2 nights once i was asked if i missed her....? .... well..no..

Yes I love her more than anything but no i enjoyed my time alone and didnt wish that she wasnt at his parents! I dont regret having a baby but i wasnt prepared for this feeling and i crave having no responsibly

Quies ear plugs, it’ll stop you waking up when the 6yo gets up.

Your problem won't be solved by batch cooking or slow cookers or a housekeeper. There's a fundamental issue that won't go away - you regret having children and the resentment will build. How do you get through the next 12-15 years? A nanny then boarding school seems like a solution.
Working abroad, maybe a Gulf state - you'd get a cheap nanny and housekeeper there and earn tax free?
Other than that, you're going to have to build in more time away from them, such as another holiday with your friend. Good luck.

Family life and its many responsibilities doesn't seem to be compatible with your full time senior career. You have said your children are 3 and 6. They are still very young. You spend very little time with them as it is but would like to be around them even less. I find this quite hard to read to be honest.

[quote Cameleongirl]**@lurkingfromhome I read it more that the poster was saying that this thread regretting parenthood isn't the norm for most parents (although we do like a moan!) and that they also know "a few" older colleagues who regret staying child-free.

So in each "category" there will be a few people who regret the life decision they made, whether it was to become a parent or stay childfree. The vast majority don't though.

I think that's true for many major decisions, tbh.
Perhaps I'm giving that poster the benefit of the doubt, but it's how I read it.[/quote]
I read it the same way as @lurkingfromhome. Deeply offensive and a bloody horrible thing to say (and not consistent with my experiences either).

Bonkers one, but as an alternative to divorce (which you'd be doing for the wrong reasons) could you afford a deposit/additional mortgage on (say) the cheapest habitable flat you can find in your area? Just a one-bed arrangement you can use as a bolt-hole when you need to?

I don’t know why people get so offended when mothers admit they don’t enjoy parenthood. A lot of the parents I see doing the school run near me look miserable & bored.

I don’t regret not having kids but I’m not upset by other women saying they regret not having kids,

Ops isn’t happy & that’s no way to live. It doesn’t matter if her jobs senior or junior she’s unhappy.